I am sure other parents do stuff I don't like.....

...because little kids examine themselves in the mirror trying to figure out their bodies and stuff, CB discovered his birthmark on his butt. His birth mark is a bout 1 1/2 inches long and maybe a 1/2 inch wide.....

He comes to me in the laundry room....naked, as usual ....

CB- MOM! Look what you did! You spilled your coffee on me and stained my butt! Look what you did.......

It's the exact color of a coffee stain. I had never noticed that before.

...................................................................

I saw a dog hanging out of a car window waggin its tongue....the dog had on blue goggles.

.....................................................................

To keep Skylar interested in reading we have been reading The Diary of a Wimpy Kid books. They are hilarious. The movie just came out on DVD, I love it, it's hilarious. I think it's surely one of my favorite kids movies. Cole does a great impersonation of the Indian kid, who tells Greg Heffley, the main character, that he almost got the infamous "cheese touch."

Anyway.. I am convinced the best way to keep a kid interested in reading is to get them interested in books they love to read. One can only read about George Washington and the pilgrims so many times before they began to hate reading, thus dreading it. Many of the books for required reading at this age are not very engaging.

I dread reading time with Sky...blah, blah, blah, blah....blah, blah....blah, blah, blah...blah, blah, blah, blah....Oh my gosh, then some poetry, I want to scratch my face off...humbly, bumbly, tumbly , in my rumbly fumbly, gumbly, zumbly.......can't do it right now. Understanding for that stuff comes much later than 3rd grade.

I have never figured out why they put these awful books on required reading list when kids hate them and dread reading them. Let me say I am fully aware that The Diary of a Wimpy Kid books ARE NOT classic literature or even could stand in the same line with the classics. However, if I can't get my kid to read the classics cause she hates reading...I haven't gotten anywhere anyway.

You don't get to The Screwtape Letters, Jane Eyre, and Shakespeare because you just can't get enough freaking "Susie loves to go to church, her mommy and daddy love George Wash ing ton and the first Thanksgiving. Everything in the world is furry bunnies and rainbows. The End."

One has to climb a mountain before they can stand on top and claim conquered with their flag waving and arms raised in victory!

Okay I am so done with that rant.

SOOOooo, in the name of learning to enjoy writing and some outside of the box creative thinking, I let her buy The Diary of a Wimpy Kid, do it yourself book. I thought it'd be a waste of cash really but she wanted it and she was willing to pay for it out of her account. She loves the dag gone book. Sky wants to write in it constantly, to the point of I am fixing to hide the thing and tell her it's lost.

To those who have never read the books or seen the movie, "Zoo-Wee Mama" is the punch line to dumb jokes and barely understandable cartoons. In my house "Zoo-Wee Mama" should be a new word in Webster's Dictionary, right along with the distraction word, "Squirrel!" from the movie, Up.


The book has cartoons you are to fill in with your words like this one Maysie did here....

To me this is classic "Zoo-Wee Mama."

So I start to draw one of my own thinking I am sort of creative this should be easy. I drew a complete blank after I drew the first picture, grew frustrated, and wrote some random caption about Elmo on crack. I told Sky to erase it and re-do it with her own, cause I was blank on the Zoo-Wee Mama and forgot about it.

The next day Sky brings me this that she has completed and drawn herself....

Which I thought was hilarious. I know, I know, most parents don't like this kind of talk.....that's fine. I am sure other parents do stuff I don't like.....try to move on, it's funny.


*

http://www.wimpykid.com/

*

.............like an elephant balancing on a ball

Cole seems to need constant attention these days.

My theory goes like this: Since he has been entertained and held constantly since he was a baby by someone....since he has always had a few siblings that were always in his face for entertainment or other wise, he has grown to expect someone to be in his face constantly for entertainment or otherwise.

It could be a full time job trying to keep Cole happy. He could really care less that I have laundry to do, that I need to fix food, grade papers, do dishes, walk & feed a dog, or pay bills.

I believe Cole just wants mommy time without interference. Parts of me say well he should, May got my undivided attention when she was little. Then the other parts of me say people in the 40's and 50's didn't do the dog and pony show for their kids every day and they turned out to be pretty responsible adults.

All that to say... yesterday I had false guilt about not making an effort to be the parent I had been to Maysie when she was a baby..... so CB and I played games almost all day yesterday.

We played Mancala by his rules which changed every few moves and ended up being a throw your gems in the holes game from a distance. We played Battleship, his way, which turned into a bloody massacre of the seas. The red pegs being blood from the bombs (Mancala gems) that exploded on the ships that were surrounded by white pegs. The white pegs represented people thrown from the boats during the bombing. We had to do distressing and "save me"screaming and the whole works. I didn't enjoy that game.

So Jenny was pestering me to pet her and play with her also. Because apparently she thinks I am her human and pony show too. I did not feel false guilt for her.

I kicked off my Crocs which have started to make my feet smell like funky chocolate skunk or something......the smell was .......

....not good.

So this happened...

A- Hey Cole Bear I know what... lets play Everybody Sniff Mom's Feet. (I stick my feet up for Jenny to smell, she does)

Jenny- sneeze, sneeze look at me out of the corner of her eyes likes she wants to bite my foot off.

CB laughs cause he can smell my feet and thinks its funny for Jenny to smell my feet. When I tell him its his turn he does the duck and cover move and tells me, "No Momma!"

CB thinks this is a great game for Jenny though and sticks his feet in her face too. Jenny sniffs his feet. Then Jenny rolls over on her back for him to scratch her belly. I guess that means his feet smell better than mine.

Then Cole notices Jenny's dog toy and begins to throw it for her to fetch. She loves this game and is a great fetcher. I instruct Cole to go and lay down on the floor and I will get Jenny to jump over him as she fetches the toy. She can jump over three of them at a time so Cole is an easy jump.

He does and it's fun for a while. He gets tired of laying there and CB instructs me to lay down while he throws and she jumps over me. So I do and Jenny does.

He grows tired of throwing so hard and then actually throws the toy at me on purpose. Jenny runs really hard right towards me and can't stop in time.

She comes to a halt on my face.

Jenny has all four paws standing on my face wiggling around like an elephant balancing on a ball. She finally realizes that I am going to get up quickly, digs her paws into my face(which includes one of my nose holes & a corner of my mouth) for traction and scurries in lightening fast fury down my body and onto the floor.

A- CB!! REALLY??!!

He is cracking up laughing going on about "Jenny standing on you face, let's do it again." laugh, laugh, laugh some more, in fact then he has this other idea......"Hey let's play jump over Momma."

He is suddenly running at me full speed. I haven't fully recovered from Jenny on my face.

You have no idea what it feels like to know a 4 year old child is running at full speed to jump over you and you aren't able to get out of the way quick enough, so you must endure whatever is to happen.

He is at me stomping, I squeeze my eyes tight and make my stomach muscles as tight as possible for 4 year old foot stepping on impact, and he is over me.........I'm good. I open my eyes and breathe a sigh of relief.

CB- COME ON JENNY!! Let's do that AGAIN!! (he's running)

A- No CB! (My butt is moving as fast as it can to get to the upright position off of the hardwood floor.)

He manages to jump over my legs only and I am up.

I am done with that game.

My false guilt is gone.

I feel no remorse for not playing with the baby anymore. I have switched to 40's and 50's parenting mode. So be it if he doesn't turn out fine cause I didn't play games with him. I am completely done with the dog and pony show for the day.

The jumping over mommy game was scary as hell to me. I had nightmares about it last night.

like bifocals for the eyes, except these are for the ears.........

I do not know why this is, but lately, and almost every time I brush my teeth...my idiot tooth brush brushes past my teeth and up into my gum area harshly. Freakin it hurts! I mean I am just brushing along and WHAM!

My tooth brush is slamming against my top teeth gum line violently.

It always takes me by surprise cause who expects that to happen while brushing? Especially if one has just done this two or three times before and is trying to make a conscious effort to not do it.

It's like my toothbrush has acquired a persona of it's own and has a vendetta against me for ramming him down my throat in a gag session or something.

See it: Evil Toothbrush Scratches Womans Gums Off In Vengeance!

.................................................................

CB- Mom, I want a chocolate pickle.

A- What?

CB- I want a chocolate pickle.

A- I don't know what a chocolate pickle is CB, can you show me?

...goes to fridge and shows me Popsicles.

He wants a Popsicle.

.....................................................................

Last night D and I were having a conversation about someone, we'll call Rudy for today, who has a terrible problem walking off when others are speaking. Rudy will ask a question, then in complete rudeness turn and walk away while you are answering. It irritates the crap out of me.

It's as if Rudy doesn't really care what answer you give, Rudy is through with the conversation.....walk away. RUDE!

So D was relaying to me that Rudy had committed this foul action against someone other than he and I. D and I used to think this person just had a lot on their mind and didn't realize they were doing this rude action and wrote it off as, "needs help with people skills"...and just took it for what it was. We have since come to understand this action is all by itself simple rudeness. D and I try not to engage in long conversation with Rudy, cause Rudy's action....irritates the crap out us.

So Rudy committed this action against another. We'll call this person Newsome for today.

Newsome tells D that she believes Rudy may have a hearing problem.

D tells me he thinks to himself......"Uh no. Rudy doesn't have a hearing problem. He has a listening problem. He doesn't need a hearing aid, he needs a listening aid..."

I thought that was very clever. In my opinion Rudy does need a listening aid, turned up on the highest volume.

In fact, I would like to purchase one for D and my children too....and my mother... who needs a listening aid for one ear and a hearing aid for the other........like bifocals for the eyes, except these are for the ears.

..................................................................

D made this awesome salad for himself on Sunday. He proceeded to come into the bedroom to show off this magnificent prize while I was checking email on the computer.

I am like, what?! You know sandwiches and salads are my thing. I dang take pictures of that kind of stuff. I still have this awesome picture of my blueberry stuffed french toast from Mimi's Cafe almost a year ago, on my cell phone screen.

Instantly D sees my wanting and thinks to bolt while he can with his beautiful salad. He knows he has made a huge mistake. So he offers to give me half.

I feel guilty, a little.......not really....and tell him no way it's his salad to go ahead and eat it, I am not hungry anyway. This is a tad true but not fully. The minute I saw the salad my stomach became engaged in my thought process and though I felt no hunger pains physically, I felt them mentally and was hungry.

So back and forth we go about whether he should give me half of his salad. He does give me half. I skip happily into the kitchen and put this awesome Naturally Fresh honey mustard dressing on it. Just enough to give it zing but not to over power all the other flavors and so forth. My insides are so happy when I plop down beside D on the living room couch to eat his salad up.

I am in my own personal heaven floating on my salad cloud with singing harps, furry bunnies and rainbows.........(insert record scratching)

My dog is giving me tender puppy eyes....for my salad....like I would ever give her lettuce anyway.

I am all, "Forget it Jenny. I don't care how cute you are. Tender puppy eyes aren't gonna work for you this time. I will never give you this delicious salad."

D - Yeah, well now you know how I feel......but I caved.

I burst out laughing in my sleep.........

This past weekend my sister and her family came down for Memorial Day weekend. It was a good visit. Played some games, swam, road on the boat, ate good and went to church together.....the memories make my heart smile.

Here is a a super funny memory. Now I am not sure I can retell this like it happened....but this junk was so flippin funny I swear I did the laugh that was uncontrollable and loud. You know that laugh where even if you didn't want to laugh you just have to cause it just burst forth.

I swear, no lie, Cole crawled in the bed with me this morning and I was half asleep and half awake and I was remembering this for some reason and I burst out laughing in my sleep for petes sake and made Cole start laughing.

My sister has this dog, his name is Max...or Maxie as CB called him.

Max is a Shih-Tzu like Jenny but he's about 2 years younger than Jenny and is still pretty playful.

So we are on the pontoon and we're pulling Sky and Emma(my niece) on the tube behind us.

Max has never been on a boat and seems a bit wigged out but he's doing okay.

I am sitting in the front of the boat with Leigh and Big Charlie. Max just jumps down off Leigh's lap and starts sort of sporadically running down to the back of the boat sort of zig zaggedy crazy running and fast, his tail is all crazy tucked between his legs...then he runs back to the front of the boat all crazy like.....and I asked Leigh, "What's wrong with Max?"

...about that time he's running full out towards us in the front....and the dog takes a crazy running leap right through the door rail on the boat....the dog never touches the metal...he shoots right through the gap.

We are going about 20 mph.

All I see is the dog running full out like something has stung his butt and it's on fire, I see white hair fly past me and off the dang boat. I jump up and scream "MAX!!!!" I see white hairy dog spread out like doing a jumping jack flying across the top of the lake. Skylar and Emma see the dog and now they are screaming for Max.

At the same time that I scream, Leigh screams, Maysie screams, and Little Charlie screams......

"MAX!!!" or "STOP THE BOAT!!!" or "The DOG!!!!!!!"

.... everybody on the boat is now standing and D is turning around, he's laughing.

The dog is no where to be seen...then his head pops up and he's paddling like mad cause heck, he don't no what the heck just happened apparently and now he's in the middle of the lake with no land in site. I guess he figures he better paddle his furry butt hard.

I look and Leigh and she is busting out laughing and I am rolling my butt on the floor and cause that is the dang funniest thing I have ever seen.

.....wait a minute I have to laugh before I finish this....

Z scooped Max up out of the water and he was okay.

Later that night Max was so out of his element here at out house he dang went nuts on the porch.

Leigh said real casually, "Uh oh Max is fixin to get crazy again."

He started scattin his butt crazy all zig zaggedy again, with his tail all tucked between his legs and ran into the screen on the screened in porch.

We all fell out again, poor dog. He's a good dog just the boat ride had him all worked up. He didn't ride the boat the next day, he had a little day of rest.

I am like..........great.

One time I said to myself...."Self, there are 24 hours in a day, you shouldn't waste them."

I made it a point that whole summer to fill my time with things that were productive. I tried not to do anything that would not accomplish some significant accomplishment in my home. That summer went by so quickly I can barely remember it. What I remember about that summer was that I tried to fill my time and did so....well, too well.

Now here I am with stuff running my life and filling my time for me. As if time owns me instead of me owning my time. Productive stuff has to be done.....ALL THE DANG TIME. I just want to waste some time and don't have any to waste.

So D has taken Z and scooted off to the beach for a bit to spend some time with his mom and dad. So I have no plans to cook anything significant while he is gone. I am just going on a wing and prayer that the rest of my kids get proper nourishment while they are away.

Okay so here's something you missed......

Puppies.

One of my neighbors saw them hiding under a bush when they drove by and gave me a call. I called this gal who does some work for animal shelters or something and asked her what she thought I should do. She tells me that her husband is fixing dinner and that if I can catch them she'll come and pick them up after dinner.

The puppies are very skittish and I am doubtful I can catch them but I tell her I'll try and call her back.

I take Z and May with me for help and we do in fact manage to catch them, by way of dog food kibble for bait...they are starving. You can't see in these photos but the smallest one is so weak he can barely walk.

I put the puppies on my porch cause they are FULL of fleas and have a minimum of 5 ticks or more in each ear of each puppy, not to mention the ticks elsewhere on their bodies, some as big as snails. It really is pitiful.

I call the gal and tell her we have the puppies. She then informs me her husband will kill her if she brings one more dog home and she can't come and get them.

I am like..........great.

Now I have to figure out how to explain flea and tick puppies to D who is not keen on pets anyway. He like's Jenny and that's about it.

He gets a bit stupid on me in front of some neighbors, which I didn't appreciate. But I put it behind me cause really the little puppies are pitiful and they didn't ask to be born and dropped off in some neighborhood.

So now I have 3 sets of neighbors in my driveway plus our family. Sarah's husband pulls all of the ticks off of all the puppies, he's immediately my hero. We determine ourselves to bathe them. I bathe one, May & Z bathe one, D bathes one....then we rinse and Matthew (Sarah's hubby) re-bathes one, I re-bathe one, and May and & Z re-bathe one aaaannnd repeat one more time. They look so cute, so fresh and clean.

So now it's dark and everyone leaves. Puppies are fresh and clean going to a shelter as soon as I can find one that's open. I put them in the largest rubber maid container I own and leave them in the garage for the night.

I have to be up at the butt crack of dawn the next morning which is a Sunday. Z has an unexpected soccer tournament game at 8:00am and it'll take us a bit to get to this particular field.

I couldn't sleep at all that night knowing they were in the garage. I finally got up at 3:15 am to let them all go to the bathroom. I took them one at a time cause they liked to hide under stuff and catching all three might prove a challenge. So I take the one that can't walk good first, the other two start whining. The one female manages to jump out of the container and crap all over the garage numerous times while I am laying on my belly trying to get the little one out from under a bush...........at 3:30 am. I have to repeat this same scene three times and actually have to slither under my car at three different angles to catch one cause he moves to the other side when I almost get to him. I was all....really?!

By 4:15 am they are all back in the container and resettled. I have to get in the shower at 5:30 so I can leave by 6:30 so I can be at the field by 7:30.

So I don't go back to bed.

When I get home by 10:00 am I fix a meal for one of my favorite gals who has been in a terrible car accident and plan to get it to the church by the time church lets out. From there....... take the puppies to the Taj Mahal of puppy shelters in Knoxville.

In that cooking time Matthew & Sarah have grown attached to the one female and decide to keep her. Her name is Maeve (sounds like Mave). She is super cute and she's a really lucky dog to have great owners.

So May and I take Frick & Frack on to the shelter after I drop off the food.

I totally shed some tears when I had to hand the puppies over. The one that couldn't walk good ....I wanted to keep him.

I am never picking up stray dogs again.

Irresponsible pet owners make me SICK!

It's not that hard not to have a pet if you can't take care of one.

....more to come, I promise.

knots, granny panties, & furry armpits.......

Some time back ago CB had climbed into the bed with me early in the morning.

He usually sleeps as close to me as he can get, snuggled in super tight. He wasn't as tight as normal so I opened my eyes. It was just bright enough from a light left on in the bathroom, that he could see my upper body out of the covers. He eyes were opened staring at me, with his thumb in his mouth and a furrowed brow.

I'm all, "CB it's early go to sleep..."

CB-....put you arm down, you furry armpits sticking my face.....

A- COLE! I am gonna shave this morning! Go to sleep!!

...but kids just don't forget anything, ever......

So he hopped in the tub with me yesterday. I told him to get out early cause I was going to shave my legs....

CB- Yeah.,.... an don't forget you furry armpits....

A- Cole! Get out!!

I was in a bit of a hurry that morning....so when I got out after shaving my "furry" legs and armpits.....I sprayed Glade, French Vanilla, under my arms instead of deodorant.

I made a conscious decision to be grateful that I did not use the Lysol antibacterial spray under my arms.

...............for some reason this random act of absent mindedness, reminded me of one time when I was doing laundry last summer. Cole was running around the house with some granny panties on his head. I hadn't really paid that much attention to him.

Z was in my room helping sort a bazillion pairs of socks cause I hate them. I just throw them in the "sock bucket" and let the kids conquer and divide. I just can't find any benefit to my life by standing in one place trying to match a bazillion pairs of socks, it's a total waste of time, cause in 4 to 5 days, it's the same scene all over......like deja vu, for real........so I just don't.

Cole comes in with the granny panties on his head. We smile at him and so forth cause he's little and cute and he can pull off wearing panties on his head.

As he is leaving the room he hangs them on my bedroom doorknob by a leg hole. I forget them.

In he comes again with his cowboy boots on and his underwear. He remembers the grannies hanging on the knob. He procedes to stick his head through the leg hole that is still hooked on the knob...

...his dang cowboy boot catches on something and there he is left nearly hanging himself with my grannies on the bedroom doorknob in a panic. Z quickly runs over to him and yanks him up and unhooks the stupid things off the knob.

I spout off to Cole to never ever put stuff around is neck like that again and give him the motherly talk about why this is important and fala la la la lala la .....la

Having been rescued and now feeling better about life he leaves again.....Z and I are in silence folding laundry again....I guess we both are rethinking the event.

Suddenly it is 100% absurd and I am hearing the 10:00 news anchor...

"This evening in kacky a lacky, TN a 3 year old boy hanged himself with his momma's panties on a doorknob. It would seem the child's cowboy boots, took off without the boy in them and he was left there to fend off the assailant granny panties for himself. His older brother tried to save him but the panties were just too darn big and would not let go of the child, stay tuned for more on this after our check on the woman who ran over her neighbors chicken which happens to be the childs mother.........."

We both started to just laugh at how ridiculous it would be to die by hanging yourself on yer momma's granny panties....I mean who freakin does that?!

I mean, really I am grateful me and Z were there, that could have been bad, but still....dag gone, what are the odds?

So today the boy is calling me frantic from my bedroom. All the other children are in my room with him but he is calling me. I hear Z start laughing and CB is ticked off about that.

The crazy fool had taken the dog leash and wrapped it around his feet, like a hog tie or something and knotted it up. He cannot walk, he is hopping.

A- Cole! Why did you do this?!

CB- I just wanted to see if I could walk.....

I'm trying to undue the cluster of knots- Cole how did you get this all knotted this way, baby don't do this anymore, you could have fallen & knocked all your almost knocked out, teeth out. This is dangerous. Where did you get this leash from?

CB- ....on the dryer, Jenny wanted me to show her she leash, then she run away.

I am thinkin...I bet, I would run away from you too, she probably knew you were gonna tie something up and it wasn't going to be her......

I swear it took me 10 minutes to get that thing unwrapped from around his ankles. When he was free he got up and took off running merrily as if this event had never happened, it wasn't even an after thought in his mind.....

....but by golly he remembers the furry armpits.........

Mickey Mouse & Numa go bump in the night.......

Last night I put CB to bed early cause he hadn't had a nap. About 10:30pm he wakes up and tells me he had a bad dream. Now he can't find "Sugar." Sugar is a light brown, super soft, stuffed dog that our neighbor Ms. Judy gave to him a couple Christmas's ago.

I hunt for the dog so CB will go back to bed and can't find him. So I hand him Mickey Mouse. He loves Mickey Mouse so he's all "Okay...." and I get him settled back into bed. I assure him I'll find Sugar the next morning.

About 12:30 I hear him crying out. I actually think it is D's nose whistling and ignore it.

I hear it again, so I get up & go check on CB.

CB is whimpering a little.

A- What's wrong baby, did you have another bad dream?

CB- No, I wake up and Mickey Mouse in my face and he scare the crap out of me.

A- (this is super funny to me and I laugh a little)

CB - It's not funny momma, I throw him in the floor, take him out my room...

.....so Mickey slept in my rocking chair last night.

On another note about scary dolls, Jenny made a friend while my sister was here visiting. My niece Emma has a My Twin doll.........

...........she is a total Numa

We made her sleep with her face down far away from the girls room.....& Jenny.....I thought about locking her in a closet for the night just in case. ;oD

I'm gonna eat you alive girlfriend.........

A day in the life of Jenny

by Jenny Williams


Ooooooohhhhh, ssstttreeeetch.......let me get my little furry butt outta bed. All these kids in the house are driving me crazy, I need to get outside where its quiet and I can have some peace...where I can catch a few rays before Cole starts chasing me around this morning with a foam sword.

hey,....... Hey..... HEY!!.... Humans?! I am sittin by the door, that means I need to go out in case you have forgotten.......Thanks Cole, you are truly my best friend, and I'm not just sayin that cause you give me ice cream and chicken nuggets either.

Its a shame mom taught you how to hook me up. I remember the good old days when you'd just let me out and I'd roam wherever I dang well pleased. You all would call for me & call for me and I'd hide behind Ms. Anita's mailbox and wait for you to panic. That was so funny, cause mom always came out in her nightgown and uni-boob sports bra hollerin with her hair lookin like she combed it with a firecracker.....so funny.....up till the point I'd come home wet with morning dew and thistles all in my fur.

memories................HEY! Is that a bird? I'm gonna get it..........easy.........easy.........easy.....I'm on it, run, run , run ....gaaaaaagg cough cough.......uuuh yeah, thanks again Cole for the "hook up"......I guess I'll bark my head off to go inside so I can eat.


(inside) ssssooo no dog food out yet, all morning long in & out of the fridge & cabinets with those handy little hands of theirs.....I gotta sit my tail here by this bowl & wait, giving Zachary the look how cute and hungry I am, look. I know he isn't going to feed me cause he hates to touch dog food, so this is a wasted look, let me go find mom..........drinking coffee on the computer, she is so predictable.......look how cute and hungry I am...........

A- (baby talk)Are you hungry Jenny

J- Bark bark sneeze---yes dummy, get to steppin, I got my tail waggin

A- Are you hungry girl? Want some breakfast?

J- bark bark sneeze sneeze-------I said YES DUMMY, GET TO S-T-E-P-P-I-N!!!

A- (baby talk) Okay JEEEE, let's go get some dog food, come on, let's go girl, after you eat you get to take a bath today cause you stink, yes you do, so lets get yer belly full girl.

J- prance, prance , sneeze, wag tail, sniff food like I hate it, eat, eat, eat, what did she say? bath?

Weeeeeee doggy, that was good, you gotta love some mighty dog now, makes me feel small but mighty, watch how mighty I am, here comes the box man in the brown truck

bark, bark, bark, bark ,bark, bark bark, bark, bark, bark, bark ,bark, bark bark, bark, bark, bark, bark ,bark, bark bark, bark, bark, bark, bark ,bark, bark bark, bark, bark, bark, bark ,bark, bark bark

Translation - INTRUDER, INTRUDER, INTRUDER, I just ate and I feel good! Like I could eat you alive, I don't care about your huge brown boot shoes, I am a mighty dog!!! Get off the porch! You shut up Zach! Mom, Look an intruder! No you shut up, Zach! I have to get a bath today you can actually take me with you!!! HEY!.... HEY!..... HEY! DON'T LEAVE ME!!!!!

Oh I get it.... the suitcase is out, that means we are going to Nana's, so I will tolerate my bath today cause I get to go bye, bye. But first let me run and hide cause I can see no clear reason why I should make this easy on the humans who are fixin to torture me with soap and a hair dryer. I don't care how pretty my new collar is.

Here comes Skylar, I'll just snap at her, she'll leave me alone then, oh but she brought Cole, with the sword, great........ and Maysie, I can snap at her too a little and she can't slap me on the butt (insert congo singing) cause I am under tha bed & you can't get me ou-out

oh!...... Bye, bye now?....... Let's go people! I'm ready,.... here we go, no bath!!!! I am headin for the car, what?!!..... Come on mom, lets get in the car......CRAP! I always fall for that trick, you would think I would remember this, they say pets take on human traits sometimes maybe I get loss of memory from mom.

So Maysie is going to be the big bad bather today, first timer huh? I am going to eat you alive girlfriend. Oh that feels pretty good......... yeeeeeeaaaah nice and slooooooww and sweet talkin too........ yeah I can dig this, mom usually just gets the business on and there ain't much talkin goin on. I will tolerate you today, May.

Oh Lord but mom has the hair dryer....same song second verse....I will just run around the bathroom and what hair gets dry is as good as she'll get, but I will let her do my belly first cause it feels warm and good....... soon as some one opens the bathroom door I am outta here, (open) I'M OUT! run, run ,run, run ,run ,run....where's my bobo? I'm free!...run, run, run, run

okay I am clean, I am super fluffy, my new collar is lookin super cute....now lets go bye, bye.......

.....mom you got everybody's stuff packed, what about my dog bowls and my bed? Don't forget my treats and my blue bo bo.....oh yeah and that doggy cheese whiz ........so you are loadin up huh? What about my stuff? I got my tail waggin and I am gettin in the car, go get my stuff woman.....what? what? what the heck is this? a dress!? what!? I never had to wear a dress to nana's before. I know she is a city Nana but I didn't see no other dogs wearing dresses in the city.

Take this off I look stupid, no I don't look "sooo cuuuute", take it off,.....take it off, okay, okay, it was funny, hey where you goin?

What about this dress?....... and you didn't pack my bowl........oh I get it....I don't get to go ......

.....you're gonna leave me here, mom?...... all by myself?

Look at my cute dress and my new collar, I'm so cute, I just got my butt shaved too, look........Russie won't like this, you'll be in trouble....

please, Please....PLEASE don't leave me , look at my cute sad eyes...I'm so cute, I'm so cute, I'm so cute............

...............she left me.....................Cole left me........................I don't really care about Sky........Who is gonna eat Cole's waffles when he isn't looking.........I guess I'll go hide under the bed........

(later).......... so Zach didn't go. Good, at least he can take me outside and if I sneeze and bark enough he'll throw my bo bo......plus I see dad's truck pulling in. When he goes to King Davids, he'll let me go with him, without my leash, if I wag my tail real pretty like I'm the happiest one to see him.........

................Who is gonna feed me though?

This is how you know.........

This is how you know kids live in yer house....

When you get up and there are sticky "muscle men" hanging from yer ceiling
and sticking to other walls in the living room area......

When your dog is wearing yer youngest child's clothing.....















When you download yer photos off yer camera and yer oldest daughter's uvula shows up, because she "likes" her uvula and thinks it's "cute"......and hey.... by the way, watch she "can make it dance".....

When you go to cut tomatoes and dinosaurs are preying on them......
























....and then later in the day the dinosaur apparently needs a drink or something and needs to climb on piled up stuff to get there......

When I get home from work I will pee on it..........

I hate bees.

One of the many things I am going to ask God when I get to heaven is what was the purpose of making dang bees.......

I mean couldn't He have made some birds to do pollinating or only made the honey bees.

I was mowing the grass yesterday and bumped the tire swing with the mower. There has been this wasp hanging around the tire swing, I knew it but totally forgot. I had told the kids not to be on the tire swing till I checked it out.

I had been meaning to kill the wasp.

Cause that is what I am good at....killing animals, and I never even have to use a gun.

When we lived in Santa Fe, NM we used propane gas. So you had to call this gal who was super nice until you crossed her. You would call her, tell her you need gas, she would get all your tank info and estimate how much gas it would take to fill up and you left a check under the lid.

No check= no gas.

It was a total sham. I ask her one day, suppose I use less than you estimate and I have the check already written, will you refund my money?

......too many questions and I crossed her. With her New Mexican accent she proceeds to tell me off , then doesn't send out a gas truck to fill us up. D calls her back, cause I am furious, she tells him off & hangs up on him. So D says something like if you don't listen to what I am going to say and you hang up on me again ....I am going to come down there and bust that door in and by God you will listen to me. She proceeds to tell D he is threatening her and she is going to call the police. We just wants some dang gas....so we can cook, bathe, and heat........

.....all this leads to the truck finally coming out and all parties agree that we'll not speak to one another any more. This thrills me cause I feel like I want to jack her up anyway.

So the truck finally comes nearly a week after I had ask the Santa Fe Propane Princess about my money and she chewed my butt out. At my front door I see this big Doberman Pincher staring in my front door, vertical, side window. I go to open the door to shoo him off .....he growls and shows me his teeth. M & Z are small children. I am thinking what the heck, this dog is showing me his teeth at MY front freakin door. I am going to kill it.

So I go and get D's pellet gun and I start to put the pellets in and pump, pump, pump......my adrenaline is pumping too, cause I am going to really shoot something and for a good reason. I shall not miss -you can put that in yer pipe and smoke it , the dog will surely be wounded.

I hear an engine though.... and I stop the maniac running through my mind shooting at a rabid dog.

It's the propane truck. I go through the garage and ask the guy if its his dog he says yes and proceeds to call him over. I tell him I almost shot him because he is showing me his teeth at my front door and I have two small children. The propane guy really doesn't care and lets his dumb crappin dog run wild in my garage were my kids are at.

The dog craps in my garage, I am thinkin ...Oh he'll apologize and clean this up......we're talkin a bit now and I realize this guy is the owner of the propane business we buy the gas from. So I fill his ears to capacity about the chick who answers the phone...and about what if we over pay do we get any of our money back if we don't use the amount of gas she estimates........

He is a total moron.......he apologizes for being late with the gas and then tells me "Well......you know?.... Santa Fe isn't really known for their customer service."

A- What?!
propane man - yeah, sorry....
A- You know if I owned this house I would have my husband roll this tank to the curb and you would loose this business. I guarantee you I will not refer people to use your business either.
propane man - (goes on about his business & small talk as if he hasn't heard me and leaves his dog crap in my garage.)

I almost picked that dog crap up with my bare hands and threw it at him. I had my temper on severe restraint. I thought I might actually grow some dang horns.

So all this to say I have come close to killing an animal with a gun, but I never have really went through with it.

........so I bumped the tire swing yesterday mowing. The wasp comes flying out and KA POW!!!!! Right in my right forearm, nails me with a fat sting. I hadn't been stung by a wasp before so it took me by surprise. Lenny Kravitz was singing in my ear buds "I want to to get away, I want to get away, I want to flyyyyyy away...yeah, yeah, yeah."

Went inside called Sarah, she had nothin for me, kids were on the computer so I couldn't google it.....just about then D calls from work. I explain to him my dilema, he tells he will pee on it when he gets home. I opt out of that and just go for the ice cube.

So today, my whole right arm is killing me. Like I have carpel tunnel or something. It is pretty dang itchy too. I never did kill the stupid wasp.

I do that tomorrow, if I don't forget again.

once......I ran over a chicken.......

Got a great new Starbucks cup with my Mother's Day gift card.

This cup makes me happy every time I use it. Filled with tasty good droplets of that sweet delicious drink that makes my body GO, GO, GO!!!!!!

It's Tennessee Orange and just a delight to hold with that great comfort grip sleeve.

It really is the small things that make my world go round.

..................................

These are the things I did not hit on Sunday on the way to church....a chicken, a chipmunk, a dog, a squirrel, and a guinea hen.

These are the things I did hit on the way to church.....two frogs and a turtle.....plus it's Tuesday and this morning I hit a snake, but I didn't feel bad about that one.

I know running over a turtle sucks and I was disturbed by that. But dang, there were two in the road cause it rained and a car was coming in the other lane so I had to hit it.

One of the gals in my Sunday school class told me I just could have stopped and waited for the car to pass then go around. I didn't think of that though, cause I panicked cause I was running late for church. It has to be really bad if you run over a turtle.

I never hit a single animal until I moved to TN. I must have run over 5 squirrels, at least 10 stupid freakin frogs, snakes which I run over on purpose. I mean....I swerve to the other lane to run over them if I can do it safely. I have had an idiot dog run slap under my car as I was coming to a stop at a stop sign, thank goodness. He got bumped on the head under my car and then ran out. What kind of idiot dog runs under a car while it is passing? I have ran over a chicken and now I can add turtle to that awful list.

Oh yeah there was a fly massacre in my garage two weekends ago. I killed like, I don't know, 107 flies....me, Z, & May...it was quite the sport, and fun too. Flies are disgusting.

I just said some words to the drain and hoped him well.....

When we moved into the house 6 years ago we told Zach he could have a dog. I must have been smoking crack cause I totally did not need a puppy while Sky was like learning to walk. The Jack Russell puppy we purchased, came by the name of Moby...cause he had this marking on his butt that looked like a whale.....Moby Dick......Moby......anyway. He was high strung, but obedient. The problem was he was supposed to be Zach's dog, but the dog did not respect Zach at all. Zach became afraid of him and the little dog knew he was alpha over Zach. Moby would run from across the yard just to try an bite Zach in his crotch. It was ridiculous, so I sold him and everything that we bought to go with him for about 3/4th what we had invested.

On that day I rejoiced.

So I said to myself....self, Christmas is around the corner, I will get the kids some fish. May wanted an aquarium and that was the perfect "pet." So I made it happen. We set the aquarium up, went and purchased some fish...May picked out one Dalmatian fish that was already half dead, but she had her mind made up she was going to have the fish floating in the vertical position, lest hell freeze over that fish was going home with her. That fish was named Pearl or something and she lasted much longer than she should have.

All that to say Zach purchased a frog with some Christmas money he had, to go into Maysie's tank. That frog was crazy, crazy, crazy.......and he named him Spazo.

Spazo has been with us 6 years, until alas we came home from vacation and he was floating on his back on the bottom of the fish bowl. Fish bowl? What about his aquarium mansion?

As we laid Spazo in the ground his limp, skinny, little body...we recounted all he had to put up with. The frog had lived through every fish we had ever purchased and they were many.

The tetras used to eat his freeze dried worms. We called them the Piranhas cause when the worms hit the water they would try and scarf them up before he noticed.

The algae eaters would suck on his back which initially Spazo hated and then grew okay with it, then turned back into a grumpy old man and would get aggravated.

He was the only animal that could survive "The Death Ship." No matter when we put the ship decoration into the water, inevitably the fish would swim inside the cursed ship and die....but not Spazo he was smart! He rarely went into The Death Ship.

He never ate the Piranha (tetra) babies either. The one time we had babies Spazo was good to leave them alone....their own dang parents ate them, I know this cause the babies were smart to hang behind him in the plants to hide, it was when they were away from him they would disappear in a hurry.

He survived Cole dumping his hot wheels into the tank on numerous occasions. He would just sit on the cars or fire engines, as if to tell me....hey, look here is something you need to get out of here.
I had him trained. Spazo knew when I would put my finger tips in the glass in a certain place that worms were coming, he would follow my finger around the tank.

I can't tell you how many times Zach and I chased that frog around his room while cleaning the tank. I saved him from the kitchen drain like 3 times.

When all the fish had died and I had given up cleaning aquariums, I down graded him from the big house to a condo (the big fish bowl).... all by himself so he could finally have some peace.

By this time we had some turtles, and the algae eaters I had sentenced to death and threw them into the tank for the turtles to eat. It was quite the sport to watch the turtles try and catch them, but alas they were too quick & after a few days the turtles just gave up. They lived together well. D tried to get me to feed Spazo to the turtles numerous times.....but I wasn't even gonna have that, Spazo was part of our house.

In the end he out lived one turtle and all of our other fish, and had escaped death by drain & consumption. He was an old, skinny frog and he died with his two trusty side kicks, the algae eaters, by his side. In fact I think one of the algae eaters grieved himself to death cause one of those was dead also when we got home.

...... That algae eater didn't get the proper burial, I accidentally flushed him down the kitchen sink while trying to get Spazo out of the bowl......so I just said some words to the drain and hoped him well.

So then there was one....now he is sucking on the rocks all by himself, all alone........

(this should be "Lonely Teardrops" by Jackie Wilson)


We loved you Spazo, you were a good, old, skinny, tolerant frog.......
R I P 2003 - 2009