Monday, June 29, 2009

I just said some words to the drain and hoped him well.....

When we moved into the house 6 years ago we told Zach he could have a dog. I must have been smoking crack cause I totally did not need a puppy while Sky was like learning to walk. The Jack Russell puppy we purchased, came by the name of Moby...cause he had this marking on his butt that looked like a whale.....Moby Dick......Moby......anyway. He was high strung, but obedient. The problem was he was supposed to be Zach's dog, but the dog did not respect Zach at all. Zach became afraid of him and the little dog knew he was alpha over Zach. Moby would run from across the yard just to try an bite Zach in his crotch. It was ridiculous, so I sold him and everything that we bought to go with him for about 3/4th what we had invested.

On that day I rejoiced.

So I said to myself....self, Christmas is around the corner, I will get the kids some fish. May wanted an aquarium and that was the perfect "pet." So I made it happen. We set the aquarium up, went and purchased some fish...May picked out one Dalmatian fish that was already half dead, but she had her mind made up she was going to have the fish floating in the vertical position, lest hell freeze over that fish was going home with her. That fish was named Pearl or something and she lasted much longer than she should have.

All that to say Zach purchased a frog with some Christmas money he had, to go into Maysie's tank. That frog was crazy, crazy, crazy.......and he named him Spazo.

Spazo has been with us 6 years, until alas we came home from vacation and he was floating on his back on the bottom of the fish bowl. Fish bowl? What about his aquarium mansion?

As we laid Spazo in the ground his limp, skinny, little body...we recounted all he had to put up with. The frog had lived through every fish we had ever purchased and they were many.

The tetras used to eat his freeze dried worms. We called them the Piranhas cause when the worms hit the water they would try and scarf them up before he noticed.

The algae eaters would suck on his back which initially Spazo hated and then grew okay with it, then turned back into a grumpy old man and would get aggravated.

He was the only animal that could survive "The Death Ship." No matter when we put the ship decoration into the water, inevitably the fish would swim inside the cursed ship and die....but not Spazo he was smart! He rarely went into The Death Ship.

He never ate the Piranha (tetra) babies either. The one time we had babies Spazo was good to leave them alone....their own dang parents ate them, I know this cause the babies were smart to hang behind him in the plants to hide, it was when they were away from him they would disappear in a hurry.

He survived Cole dumping his hot wheels into the tank on numerous occasions. He would just sit on the cars or fire engines, as if to tell me....hey, look here is something you need to get out of here.
I had him trained. Spazo knew when I would put my finger tips in the glass in a certain place that worms were coming, he would follow my finger around the tank.

I can't tell you how many times Zach and I chased that frog around his room while cleaning the tank. I saved him from the kitchen drain like 3 times.

When all the fish had died and I had given up cleaning aquariums, I down graded him from the big house to a condo (the big fish bowl).... all by himself so he could finally have some peace.

By this time we had some turtles, and the algae eaters I had sentenced to death and threw them into the tank for the turtles to eat. It was quite the sport to watch the turtles try and catch them, but alas they were too quick & after a few days the turtles just gave up. They lived together well. D tried to get me to feed Spazo to the turtles numerous times.....but I wasn't even gonna have that, Spazo was part of our house.

In the end he out lived one turtle and all of our other fish, and had escaped death by drain & consumption. He was an old, skinny frog and he died with his two trusty side kicks, the algae eaters, by his side. In fact I think one of the algae eaters grieved himself to death cause one of those was dead also when we got home.

...... That algae eater didn't get the proper burial, I accidentally flushed him down the kitchen sink while trying to get Spazo out of the I just said some words to the drain and hoped him well.

So then there was he is sucking on the rocks all by himself, all alone........

(this should be "Lonely Teardrops" by Jackie Wilson)

We loved you Spazo, you were a good, old, skinny, tolerant frog.......
R I P 2003 - 2009

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Things I was thinking on a couple days ago.................

I can't stand to watch sports on TV!
Women's basketball and golf, UGH!
Where is the guillotine when you need one, lobbing my head off is far better.

I only like football because of the Hank Williams intro "Are you ready for some football? A Monday night party!" LOVE THAT!
I love to hear the Star Spangled Banner...sung properly. I like when football is on in the bachground, I know all my family is nice and cozy in the house somewhere doing something, we are all here together, locked up in my safe little house with our pajamas on.

I love to watch hockey live, so fun. The fans are super fun too.

The FIFA Confederations Cup / South Africa 2009 (soccer) is on right now. I have learned I do like to watch soccer on TV. It is so exciting because they rarely score more than 3 goals and the build up for someone to score is crazy. The Americans are going to the Final this Sunday and I can barley wait.
Here is the thing, soccer fans are crazy patriotic for their country. At the beginning of all world soccer events they sing the national anthem of both teams. The fans sing their anthems so loud and so proud, it rocks my world! They are so proud of their countries teams.

I cannot wait to see if our fans will sing our national anthem as loud and proud as the European countries do. I swear this Sunday at 2:30 you better not call my house...cause I am going to be standing in my living room with my hand over my heart singing with our fans in South Africa. I can't wait!! If they don't sing out like the European countries I will be so totally disappointed.

Our boys have never gone this far in soccer and they deserve to see we are just as proud of them as we are the ridiculous players here at home, who make about 10X more playing football, baseball, & basketball...and on top of that don't compete world wide!

They just beat Spain who hasn't been scored on in some crazy amount of time in a FIFA tournament and Spain has not been beat 35 GAMES...We beat them! I thought the guys played very well, it wasn't the kind of "beat" that was a gimme, it was a "let's get it on" game. I was so happy for them.

Sunday 2:30 USA vs. Brazil for the Final!! Be there, sing in your living room with me!!


D told me when Cole got to Hilton Head Island he called the Palm trees, "Condo trees"...that's just funny to me.


We noticed also, speaking of pride......that when you enter South Carolina on the highway.....they have these amazing welcome to our state landscape islands set up. You drive through them and feel you have really just entered the promise land or something.

They have these stucco signs that have their state flag, native plants and their palm trees. It's awesome. One side says welcome and as you leave the other says thanks for visiting. Super nice.......similar to this one but a little more fancy, maybe cause it was Hilton Head Island

.....then you enter Georgia.... and you get this So pathetic...... I didn't feel excited at all about entering Georgia.
In fact this invoked a memory of going into labor with Maysie and not knowing if my mom could get there in time because of all the traffic due to the olympics.
Which then in turn put the memory of getting stuck in traffic during FreakNic while I was pregnant with Maysie also.....SCARY...people cruising 75S as if it was a strip and just getting out of their vehicles urinating, conversing, making out....a drunken brew ha ha that had me in a near panic about a riot coming on.....police had shut down the interstate exits because the city on/off ramps had become a social spot to stop and gab, hence backing up the highway which then led to social stopping and gabbing as if it were the strip to babe shop and reminisce with your brother.
In case you need to further educate yourself about Freaknik, here's a link....
Atlanta traffic anyway.....ugh! So glad I do not have to deal with that everyday, what a waste of valuable living time......sitting in contaminated air, car traffic.
So really Georgia was not on my mind in a positive way upon being welcomed.
Although..... Ray Charles, Georgia On My Mind song is slammin!

Friday, June 26, 2009

feelin good this AM........

I feel's good this mornin...please enjoy some summer muzac while you wait.....gotta story about our frog coming on soon as I get some free time.

Please excuse Cole and I momentarily as we shimmy in the desk chair to Hugh Masekela, Grazing In The Grass for just a bit, its just something that must be done.......

Music Playlist at

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

so I can't drive, so what, I cut grass better everyday of the week.......

Right before we left the beach I was playing around with my camera and deleted ALL my beach photos. I had like 75 or more great shots that included the kids wearing eye patches after a game of putt putt at some pirate place, my mom blowing out birthday candles, May posing in the dunes that was phenomenal, video of Cole skimming on his belly and Zach skimming doing 360's effortlessly, there were photos of our family on the beach and just some other outstanding shots...

.....I spent like 3 hours mourning the loss of all those photos and the video. I thought to myself, Why am I going on about losing the photos, I was there I lived them they are in my memory no matter what.....but still, even though no one on the earth cares about those photos except for the split second they look at them and then they forget them......they were mine and they were good, and I hate that I lost them........uuuuggh least my mom got some good ones before she went home. I will have to steal a few of hers.

A funny thing that happened while I was in mourning over my photos was I said to D..."Can't you fix this? Can't you get those photos back, hack my camera do whatever....Can't you fix it?"..... my mind D can fix anything and everything, even when I don't want him too cause I want something new, he fixes it. I am of the mentality, that no matter what happens in this whole world......nothing is can always be fixed, D can fix it.

I swear I think that.

When something happens bad like Cole colors on the hardwood floors with permanent marker, I just look up on the web how to fix it.....and I fix it(orange can of OFF). If I can't fix it, then D can. I really never worry to much about stuff getting totally messed up, cause so can be fixed some how.

I was telling May over the phone (cause she went to Atlanta with my mom when she left the beach) about what I had done that morning to the pictures....she said, "Well can't dad fix it? Give the camera to him and let him fix it."....... so May is of the mentality also that D can fix anything......

Once, not to long after we had moved into our house D was telling me this little snipit about parking the lawnmower next to the bladder tank in our garage.

D- now if you ever, for some stupid reason, hit the bladder tank while parking the (riding) lawn mower you will break the PVC connection to the house and water will come out by the gallons, in a hurry, and you will have to cut it off on the breaker switch right here (pointing to our box and showing me).

A- (half paying attention cause I am NEVER going to do that, cause D would kill me if I ever did something so stupid)

It wasn't two months past, I hit the dang bladder tank so hard, thinking I was in reverse but I was in forward and the tank jumped and I broke the PVC pipe connection. WATER CAME OUT BY THE GALLONS, IN A HURRY, I was flooding my garage in like 7 seconds. I was totally panicking, screaming at May, "What do I do?!! What do I do?!!" May is screaming in shear horror causing Skylar to scream in shear horror, Zach is running around like a psycho maniac trying to grab anything and everything for reasons unknown to him, he feels the need to grab something and everything...........finally the memory comes to mind to cut the power off but which one and in a hurry, make a decision, quick...can't remember cause I half witted paid I cut the power off to the whole house.....water stops flowing immediately. I feel pretty good about myself, for remembering.

HOLY CRAP look at all this water, how am I going to explain this to D? So I think, I can fix this, I can fix this ...before he comes home from work, call a neighbor who knows some stuff about some stuff and ask him which parts I need to get cause this tank will not connect to where it should (cause I am so stupid, I didn't realize I had jumped the tank over about a foot or so).

ring, ring.....ring, ring.........ring, ring, caller ID...pick up......"hello"
D- hey baby, what's up?
A- nothing....... babe, I have to tell you something...
D- Oh Lord, What did you do?
A- well, (speaking pretty fast)I hit the bladder tank with the lawn mower, but I cut the power off like you said and the water quit flowing,and King David is going to help me fix the pipes back and I am going to Home Depot to get the pieces right now and it will be fixed when you get home.
D- (silence, heavy breathing) Is the power still off?
A- yes
D- where?
A- the whole house
D- The whole house?! Go outside and cut all the switches back on but the one I told you to cut off!
A- see? I don't know which one that one is (walking outside flipping the switches he instructs)
D- (heavy breathing, stern talking and......) I'll be home in a little

So I go to HD get the wrong pieces, King David instructs me to go back and get the correct ones, & by the way I "have created a mess." We now have involved my other man neighbor (Pappy)and they both instruct me I have made a mess & send me back to HD, mind you it is a 15 to 20 minute trip to and from the HD.... so each trip takes me 30 to 40 minutes in driving time alone. By the time I get the correct pieces it is dark , King David & Pappy can't make my new pieces fit and we are all like Moe, Larry, & Curly by this time. It so happens D pulls into the drive way now.........

....he takes a look at my "mess" and says some mumbled garbo in a deep voice that I am sure he meant for me to hear but not understand....Moe, Larry, & Curly stand back and wait for the verdict from The Boss.......I think in their inards, Moe & Larry think this is funny and can't wait to rag D out when I am not around......and rag me out when I AM around.....

D- Good Lord Amy you have moved the bladder tank almost a foot or so, you must have hit the thing hard,(he moves the tank physically back to the spot it is supposed to be in , the pipes line up perfectly and he uses this great cutter tool that Moe and Larry ooh and aah over and Curly stands quietly in the background, he works fast, uses some PVC glue and wellllaaah the thing is totally fixed....that quick)

.....after a day of running back and forth, D fixes my mess in like 10 to 15 minutes tops. I still really have no idea which button I should turn off if by some sheer chance it ever happened again....but see, now we store the lawn mower in an out building. So really I can only run into like... our john boat or some saw horses or something, which I have not done yet.

And really, I think I am a better grass mower than him anyway...... just not a better driver (you can ask my mom about that ;oD ...beach trip).

This is a quality about D that brings me security. Though he may not care for the circumstances, he is confident in decision making on all levels. I never feel the need to worry to long, cause D can always fix whatever it is......

...........except my photos and the death of my father..........they are both gone.

...but those things are okay.......they are what they are, the photos will be mine in my memory, and my dad will be mine always in the deepest parts of my heart.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

ghetto toes, kicks, screams, and suffocation........

My mom left this morning with May. The two of them headed to Atlanta to get their toes done. Mom fretting over her ghetto toe nails losing a "diamond". She did finally get out to the beach even though her back is not 100% by far. She is still wincing when she moves it certain ways. I looked up the sciatic nerve thing on the web and it said low impact exercise like walking and x,y,z was good for it. So I made her get out of bed and get to the beach and it was surely a good thing. She really only missed one day. We ate b-day cake last night at near 10:00 even though she didn't want to celebrate her b-day either. I think she was glad we blew out candles though she claimed she didn't want to. Plus the cake was good.


overheard while shopping for gifts...........little boy asking his dad

How come they can take these starfish and sand dollars but we can't? Where did they get these, this is against the beach rules isn't it?

I wanted to tell him,"look little Johnny, these shells came from the Philippines, where they don't give an ocean wave about the quality of life of the starfish and sand dollars...just the almighty dollars

overheard...... Cole telling Maysie and Nana all the names of the men he knew who had "pee dees" and all the names of the girls he knew who did not have a "pee dee."


Two days in a row Cole played so dang hard and had a freakin ball till he wore himself out completely. I had to literally carry him off the beach screaming and kicking like a wild heathen child, underneath my arm all the way up the beach, up the stairs to the elevator, to the shower, KICKING AND DANG SCREAMING HIS HEAD OFF. That was totally embarrassing. But he took a good nap and he was good to go


..... Sky and I went shopping at Aldo outlet got a couple great pair of European like sandals for some great prices, Z and I went crazy in Hollister outlet, D & Mom went crazy in the Izod outlet, as stated before Cole went crazy at the beach, couldn't get May to go crazy anywhere.....I am not sure she has acquired the female shopping gene.

That's all I got, besides it's dang hot, Hot, HOT! I am dang fat, Fat, FAT!

That and tomorrow is Fathers Day and my throat hurts to swallow when I think on it to long, my eyes well up with tears and I make myself quit thinking about it. I get that suffocating feeling and loss in my heart hurts awful. I will be glad to get tomorrow behind me ...for me, Leigh, Anthony, and my mom.........DEATH SUCKS!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

you know, some fat girls need an intervention from the one piece fairy....

So I am at the beach.

We are having a pretty good time. My mom's back is out with the sciatic nerve thing. That totally sucks. When I was pregnant I had the whole sciatic nerve in the back thing going on and it was awful, so I feel for her. Plus her birthday will be on Father's Day this year. I was so hoping she would have an awesome time and keep her mind focused on good things around this time.

She has two more full days before she leaves to head back to Atlanta, I am praying that after a good day of rest today she'll feel tons better and be able to do a little more. She has spent most of the day today in the condo resting and fact, right now she is totally sleeping, and has been for a couple hours. What a total bummer to be at the beach and be stuck in the "I can't move at all it is agony," position on vacation.

Anyway, of all the crazy things, we are all missing our dog Jenny. That was unexpected.

The kids have gone to get some temporary tattoos and blow off some steam. This day we spent in the pool because some of my peeps got to much sun, despite the fact we all had on 30 spf, waterproof, sweatproof, bulletproof sunscreen. It worked out fine though they like the pool better anyway.

I have NEVER understood the point of coming to the beach to swim in the pool. I am like you're at the beach get sandy and salty...get it on, swim in the pool when we get back. Zach got popped by a stingray last year and he is was a little ocean shy at first. Which I can understand that.

Here is something useful to know.....if you ever get stung by a stingray, don't put cold on it! It makes the pain 10X worse, you must put heat as hot as you can stand on it. The pain will instantly almost go away. But you have to keep it on there a while. Z was in so much pain that D had to carry him off the beach last year.

Anyway, not to much else going on right now, just the usual...staring at peeps who are stark white with no sunscreen on like idiots, looking at men with man boobs who have been burnt everywhere except where their man boobs are.....discussions on fat girls and old women with bikini's on who should invest in a nice one piece, over eating great seafood, and beach walks at night with glow necklaces and bracelets from the Dollar Tree.

Will catch up again later when something beside CB's extreme excitement over the big garbage truck dumping trash happens...I swear you would have thought it was the ice cream man and Santa Claus.


Thursday, June 11, 2009

you only have one dollar, just give it to me..........

This week is vacation bible school in Kacka Lacky, TN. I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off all week.

Maysie and I have been doing the video introduction for the kids by way of short skits. They are going fairly well to be put together sort of spur of the moment. It's pretty fun to be cutting up with May, being silly the way we are at home out for the world to see. I really don't care how stupid we look, nor does she I believe, so long as the kids give us a laugh or two. Our characters have this terrible exaggerated lisp thing going on. I am S(th)ally S(th)almonheimer, the kids camp counselor and May is S(th)andy, my niece, who is a kid at the camp. Add the lisp for any and every reason and you have our characters nailed probably.

The fun part has been the brainstorming for the skits with May and Zach. Zach has thrown in some pretty cute ideas. He wants to be funny, but funny doesn't come as easy for him....he is funny when he doesn't mean to be.

When May was a little younger than she is now I would be walking with her into the grocery store and see the no smoking sign, I would say sort of elevated to her as a person passed by, "May you can't smoke in here so put your cigarettes up." She would get so ticked at me, but I swear that used to make me smile so big. It was just funny. I do the same thing to Zach now when we are filling out paper work at the ENT doctor's office. When they ask if anything has changed.....are you smoking...drinking alcohol.....I say to him, "Zach how many cigarettes do smoke a day cut back a little right?" He just smiles, and lets the people around him snicker at the comment...

So anyway this is hilarious to me, although some of you may find it disturbing...we were brainstorming, May and I, about this campfire scene at the end of one of the VBS skits.We were getting stupid cause we were tired and just started ad libbing like rednecks with lisp

A - (insert Hillbilly lisp) yeah stho Sthandy, I think I'll jutht thit by the fire and listhen to the thoundths of the crickeths....
M - (insert hillbilly lisp and a really sweet voice) that sthounds nithe Aunt Sthally, I'll thit with you I'm exhausthed, let me jutht go inthide my tent and get my thigarettes and thome beerths was unexpected & super funny to me.....we were done for the night after that.


Tuesday night in the car ride home after VBS Z & I were discussing him having lost a tooth at bible school.....and did I get the tooth to bring home.....

It was wadded up in a paper towel like a piece of trash when they gave it to me. I said, "Oh dang Z, I think I left it on the steps of the alter up front." He was irritated at me for leaving the tooth, I could see. I said to him, "I'm sorry I left the tooth, I mean do you have to have the tooth?"

Z- (serious as can be & somewhat irritated still ) No. Where is your purse so I can get my dollar now before you spend the one dollar you have.

To me, that was funny, cause he totally believed I would forget the tooth fairy thing (and I would), he totally believed I only had one dollar in my wallet (and I did).

Sky was in the backseat and said, "Zach, why would mom give you her last dollar? Just write the tooth fairy a note like I did and tell her mom left it at church."

.............I actually did find the tooth the next day while at the doctors office digging through my purse for a pin. Then I lost it again, and found it again last night. So has Zach got his dollar yet? No, cause I forgot.


Last night when we got home from VBS I went to take Cole's clothes off and he had on no underwear.

A- Cole where are your underwear? Did you pee pee in your pants at church?
C- no
A- Where are your underwear at?
C- in my room
A- Your room at church?
C- no in my room here.....
A- Cole did you wear underwear to church tonight?
C- no
A- You had no underwear on at church? bible school you did not wear underwear?
C- yes
A- How did you get out of this house with no underwear on? Mommy did not put underwear on you today?
C- I took them off
A- You took your underwear off today after mommy put them on?
C- yes
A- Why?
C- because I can't see the piture upside down, I can't get underwear back on, when I take'em off.
A- so you wanted to see Mater on yer underwear and then you couldn't get the underwear back on, so you just left them off?
C- yes
A- Did you pee pee in the potty at bible school?
C- yes
A- Did they ask you where your underwear were?
C- yes
A- What did you say?
C- I say, I take them off to see piture.
A- Did they ask you where you took them off?
C- yes, I say.... in my room, in my house, with my dog Jenny

I reckon I will have to explain that to Ms. Donna tonight.......eeeesh

Sunday, June 7, 2009

STOP IT! My ears are dang burning girl..............

1. I am addicted to the burn of Listerine. I love that total gum burning sensation after a good tooth brushing and a good mouth swooshing rinse. It makes me feel GOOOOOOOOOOD! I LOVE it!

2. This weekend I heard the most awful rendition of the Star Spangled Banner at the little league ball park. It made me want to put my hands over my ears and just holler, "STOP! STOP, Who told you to sing this? Why didn't someone tell you the correct words to sing?" The gal looked exactly like what folks think home schooled kids look like, but thank God above she wasn't. We get a bad enough rap without stuff like that. Oh man, it takes courage to sing in front of a crowd I know, which is why I didn't holler out in terror for her to stop. They should have just played the tape they usually play with no one singing.

Oh SON, it was just A W F U L.

Baseball season is over for my family. !Hallelujah! This is another blog for later in the week, after I can think clearly about the season with proper perspective.

3. VBS starts this week and even though I am barely doing anything that makes a darn difference, I feel exhausted thinking about it for the coming week.

4. The excuses I am making to the Lord are starting to get old......even to me, like a broken record. I am about to get tired of myself.

5. Kettle brand chips, Buffalo Blue flavor, cannot come into my house ever again. I am an irresponsible Kettle chip eater.

Okay....that should about do it for the night.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I am about to grow a beard and die..........

Yesterday I did this: School, laundry, dishes, lake, showered, baseball in Oak Ridge, Starbucks, neighbors for porch politics where everyone in the world is stupid but us ;oD....

At the baseball field Zach hit an inside the park home run and brought a guy in with him. I was really happy for him cause he has been in a batting slump and pretty discouraged. Despite the at bat following, he struck out again, he seemed a little lighter cause he actually made contact and ran hard on his on accord during this particular game.

So to reward myself for his batting I took us all to Starbucks with my gift card for some frappuccinos and dessert. We should have been eating dinner, like real food, but hey that's the kinda mom I am....I have my priorities straight, real food - Starbucks....real food-Starbucks.......hands down we go for taste on an occasion such as this. They were delicious and cold, 2 vanilla beans and a mocha caramel with two straws, a horizon milk, a slice or blueberry crumb cake, and a slice of lemon icing cake .....

On the way home we meandered through the construction going on in Oak Ridge, cruising behind three cars doing 20 in a 35 speed limit construction zone, yet being followed by 4 cars or so, at 8:30 PM when no one was working at all. I thought I might grow a beard and die before we got home. Anyway the first car apparently was searching for some where to stop & turn around and abruptly slammed on his/her brakes causing a domino effect. We all slammed on brakes, hard.

Half a peanut butter sandwich from God knows where in the car flew past my head to the front wind shield, two plums jumped off the passenger seat & threw themselves on the floor. My purse vomited up everything inside of it, including some ants that had gone after CB's ring pop. All of the children screamed, seat belts tightened, some horns got honked....but not mine (cause usually I am not a horn honker)...........then we were moving lazily again through the construction and all was more or less normal and silent.

From the back seat Maysie says in the most geeked out voice over, "Holy cow, I almost Frapped in my pants."

Me & Z laughed out loud and hard cause that was just so dang funny in a moment when we needed funny.

Which then started a whole series of ways to use the word Frapp in an absurd manor, pretty much all the way home.