going all the way around yer elbow........

I am in the bathroom....as usual.

I keep smelling what I think is pee. Because I have had a kid in potty training perpetually for 14 years it seems, I have learned to keep Clorox wipes in the bathroom.

I am ticked a bit and start looking for a shot of pee that was miss aimed at the toilet by a male in my house. I find it behind the toilet. I severely aggravated clean this mess up. I plan to tell them this better not happen again, but forget.

I remember when I smell what smells like pee again a few days later. I am about to grow horns while I am remembering this clean up just a couple days ago as I begin to search again. I find my little piddle present in the same spot. This time I do not forget. I march into the living room where every male in the house is and go on a tanget about...

**I am not the janitor in the house.

**I am not the one who can't hit the toilet.

**I won't clean this up again.

**Whoever does this next time will feel my wrath at full strength....including Cole.

D & Z adamantly blame Cole. Cole looks afraid, for real. I mean for him to be. Because cleaning up someone's pee cause they are too lazy to hit the target is detestable.

I began to go behind each male secretly after they leave the bathroom to catch them. I miss a few chances.
Then one night after Cole has left the bathroom I spy another mess. I go off on Cole like no man's business but I give him one more chance...cause he's 4 and he looks innocent in his eyes. I know in my heart he is Little Larry Lies a Lot, but something in his eyes convinces me chewing him up once side and down the other is good enough. I clean this particular mess up again and make him watch so he can do it himself next time. Cause I will not do this detestable thing ever again.

When I wake up the next morning.....it is there again.

Jenny! She has been sleeping in my closet at night. I know for sure no one was in that bathroom except me and her all night. SHE DID IT! It has been HER the whole time! So I grab Jenny out of my closet, show her this "piddle" behind my toilet, and ask her if she she did this horrible act. She tucks her tail between her legs, like she is guilty. I put her outside and say ugly doggy words to her let her know I mean business.

.....back into the bathroom to clean this up AGAIN!!

So D is getting ready for work now and is taking his morning bath like he does every morning. I am spouting off about Jenny this and Jenny that and Clorox wiping and fussing, washing my hands and huffing and puffing till I blow my own house down.

D relays to me I owe him, Z and CB an apology. Z hollers down from his upstairs bedroom, at 6:30 in the morning to "Amen" this.

I go get Jenny from outdoors. She scurries in with her tail between her legs and hides under my bed.

I go back into the bathroom and what do I see? A really small dribblet of what I would normally call pee behind my just scrubbed up toilet area?

D from the tub- Do you think the toilet is leaking?

I check around and notice some water under the baseboard. CRAP!

A- Yes that's it. Water is coming from somewhere. I see some wetness under the baseboards, let me dry this and see what happens.

Then I see nothing but dryness, it's perplexing. After much debate and checking we determine roughly it is coming from an elbow behind the toilet INSIDE the flippin wall.

Long story growing short quickly.

D and I have discussion throughout the day what needs to happen to repair the leak in the wall that evening when he gets home from work. We make a plan. He comes home and we begin to carry it out.

D is totally the most thorough man I know. He never overreacts and makes rash decisions. He always has his work plan well formulated on big jobs. They usually have very few glitches and he fixes them, then the whole world is furry bunnies and rainbows.

On this plan D left his body and did not come back. He opted to not check the toilet itself well before cutting the wall. I tried to get him back on track, but his mind had been made, he was sure it was in the wall and he cut the wall, despite my urging him in a panic to check the toilet well first.

When he got into the wall, through the insulation, the whole area was perfectly dry. The look on his face read, "Why did I do this? I just screwed up..."

I swear, I can't remember a time when I ever saw that look before.

A- You shoulda just paused a second and checked the toilet.....

D- Oh man, this sucks, I just created a pile of extra work.

We both shuffle into the bathroom and he starts going over the toilet. D quickly finds a little nut under the holding tank that needs to be tightened......and all is furry bunnies and rainbows. The toilet is fixed, just like that.

That is seriously going all the way around yer elbow just to get to yer butt hole.

The wall....just got finished last night.

I guess I can hand off my title as Susie Hardway now.

with a stop sign shaped tool................

Mondays......

Last night I totally took the girls to clogging practice. No lie, Ms.P left me hanging for a business venture possibly, so I was own my own with 5 girls for the night. I wondered what the heck I would do with myself at first cause Monday is gab yer head to the point of complete and utter emptiness.

I thought to myself, "Self....you could finish yer book tonight. Except yer eReader light is out of batteries and it isn't back lit...forget turning on yer car lights and draining the battery again. What to do???" In my mind flashed Z's DS game Rhythm Heaven....I would play his game FINALLY, in peace. THEN I was super excited to be on my own.

Nothing is ever as it seems though. When Smalls and her trusty side kick Spunky finished their class, the 5 girls headed off the McD's like we always do for some not nourishment. I had to get some gas first though.

**I got out

**I pumped the gas to full tank.....without my Kroger card which was deplorable.

**I got into the car.

**The flippin car WOULD NOT crank.

tick, tick, tick. tick, tick ,tick

Insert the whole jaw dropping syndrome again with all peeps great and small seated in my car.

A- WHAT??! REALLY??!

SB, May, Smalls, & Spunky - Oh no! I can't believe this!(etc, etc, etc)

I get out and this fellow and his wife that were filling the 2 cars they own and every single gas can from here to the TN border with their Kroger gas card at .40 off a gallon.....were in disbelief also. They were pumping when I pulled in. The husband tells me he doesn't have cables and we discuss for not more than 40 seconds how insane this situation is. I am gabbing with him and making the call to D......again, to come and rescue me.

It's cold and rainy...he isn't feeling my vibe and we are disgruntled with one another cause he is asking me questions I feel are inconsequential and he thinks I am not listening again...and I feel like not listening cause his questions are not helpful. I want him to say, " I am on my way," and he wants me to say "Oh never mind, the car cranked false alarm," or something of that nature.

While I am trying not to get frustrated with his tone of voice at my situation that is completely not my fault, Gas Can Husband has located an Old Navy Truck Man with jumper cables.

EXCITEMENT! I try to hang up with D so I can help this fellow make sure both ends do not touch, in the cold flippin rain, and show my gratitude....but D will not quit lamenting to me on the phone. I want him to be quiet and hang up now and he wants to know what's going on.

I HATE talking on a cell phone, can't stand it....even when not in dire situations. It just bugs the crap out of me.

D- CALL ME WHEN you get the CAR CRANKED! BYE! (D loves his cell phone, even though at this point he was on our home phone. Both D & my mom...the two of them, would lose all consciousness without their cell phones.)

Gas Can Husband connects the cables up completely different than Mr. P has told Ms. P and I.

Gas Can Husband connects the cables up completely different than D has told Ms. P and I.

Three men connecting cables in three different sequences...all telling me with confidence their way is the right way......and at what point the battery could spew rabid, clothes melting, flesh eating, acid onto your face......all three different.

The six of us females have concurred on this: At birth, males are given the knowledge of how to hook jumper cables up. I don't care what order they do it in, they do it with confidence and authority.

My car cranks right up.

Rejoicing!! Not near what it was when Ms. P & I did the man deed. But it did feel good to be rescued and rather quickly in the cold rain.

So I walk over to tell Old Navy Truck thank you for letting us use his cables and how grateful I am that he hadn't left the gas station yet.

Cause it's the south, he wants a hug. I gladly give him one. I am grateful.

Gas Can Husband is bringing the cables over and telling Old Navy Truck Man some man words about my car, that I don't care about. Gas Can Husband is happy cause I am happy....plus he's getting .40 a gallon off every piece of equipment he owns that will hold gas.

I pat his back and tell him "Thank You" and he squeezes my shoulders as in a half hug, cause he's glad to help a car full of gals. Gas Can Wife is happy too, cause her husband is the super hero who saved the day.....plus she's getting .40 a gallon off every piece of equipment he owns that will hold gas.

Well....Old Navy Truck has been talking to a One Legged Man, who makes BBQ sauce, while we are having Monday night drama at the Shell. One Legged Man, one legs it on over to my car and discovers that my battery cables are loose and this is why my completely fine battery has repeatedly acted incompetent.

The three men agree that One Leg has discovered the answer to all of the worlds problems. They all shake their heads in a concurring manner....I do this also. It feels like the right thing I am supposed to do.

One Legged Man tightens the cable best he can till I can get home for D to tightened it properly with a stop sign shaped tool.

Then he declares the car good for another 100,000 miles.

One Leg informs me that he saw me give the other two dudes a hug and he wants one too. After all, he is "the one who discovered the loose battery cables."

We all cackle a bit, I hug him and he reminds me that the Shell gas station sells his BBQ sauce inside and for me to go and buy some. The three males shake hands. They are heroes who have saved 5 females and they have been hugged properly for it......plus Gas Can Husband has gotten .40 a gallon off every piece of equipment he owns that will hold gas.

After that, food was gotten at the drive thru.... Smalls & Spunky played in my car with it running, while I played Rhythm Heaven on Z's DS....and SB & May made it to their class on time.

Furry Bunnies and Rainbows........

Let's face it, it wouldn't be my first............

Yesterday Ms. P invited me and my tribe to go to the Farmers Market in Knoxvegas with her and her tribe.

I accepted.

I had a ball.

In my mind I pictured the farmers market in Santa Fe. I immediately started to drool over the possible purchase of honey sticks. I felt excited about hippies with guitars and homemade pitchouli soap. When I told May we were going to the farmers market she was all, "BLUEBERRY HONEY STICKS!!! ShaZAM!"

I'm like, "I know, right?!"

The farmers market didn't turn out to be that much really. But I did purchase some awesome blackberries that didn't even come close to making it home. Between her 4 and my 4, the blackberries didn't stand a chance. I got some outstanding raspberries, that I have not been able to keep my hands off of. I got some green beans & okra too.

I didn't have to pay for parking at the meter either. My meter wasn't working properly after I fed it not enough dimes and nickels and Ms. P fed it another quarter, so I resigned myself to getting another ticket. Let's face it, it wouldn't be my first. After all, I consider myself to be a professional ticket payer. I probably own that meter anyway.

.......but to be on the safe side....I told on myself to this ticket writing officer on a bicycle and this other cop in a car that were chatting with some other long haired dude. Ms. P and I descended upon them three with all our kids defending the silver bullet before we even stated our case.

Cop(kidding us)- So you want me to believe you two fed the meter? I'm supposed to have some pity on you?.....

A- Yes, absolutely look at all these kids. You can clearly see we are outnumbered severely? Absolutely, show us some mercy man, please......

The smiling cop relays to us if the meters aren't working it's on them and we'll get not ticket. So I underpaid to begin with probably and then got a free ride. I was pretty dang happy about that.

Ms. P- Well that's not fair, I had to pay, I gave you my last quarter.

A - I know, but I'm not gonna get a ticket! I totally owe you a quarter.

When I got change I gave her two or three of my quarters then I took one back cause I needed change for something. Thank goodness the next place we went we didn't have to pay for parking. Cause I didn't have anymore quarters and I don't think she did either.

After we shopped at the market a bit we stopped and had our picnic lunches in the shaded area of the park. We all gabbed about nonsense without any effort. It was wonderful.

After lunch we headed over to the Worlds Fair Park to play in the big fountains. They really were a treat out of our everyday norm. All of my kids had a ball and were tired on the ride home. We had to cut the afternoon short when thunder clouds started to build up and behave disorderly.

Here's what was so fun about the day to me. The market and fountains are something I have never done in Knoxvegas before. I was able to do them with a family that I am completely comfortable with. I never feel the need to curtail my personality cause Ms. P doesn't seem to mind my family is louder than hers. We hadn't spent any real time with them as group in a long time.

It was great to not feel like I had to squeeze 3 hours worth of conversation in a kid exchange in the Rite-Aid parking lot in the rain.

I love days when it requires little to no effort to make it all happen. This day could've been completely whacked.

I started off a little over an hour behind unknown to me. The clock I was counting on hadn't been reset from the power outage the day before. May got up and had asked me why I hadn't gotten her up, "Are we going?"

I suddenly realized we should be leaving the house right that very minute. It was like someone hit the bees nest and bees went flying about. I originally thought this day is gonna be a bust. Why can't anything be easy?

Then suddenly............it was.

Hey! Somebody kicked over my ant hill!!.............

Dear Blog,

I am tired of settling, it's exhausting. The choice for one to settle is their own. That's why so many folks have dreams that never come to fruition.....because they settle. I have recently determined myself to not settle. I deserve better than that in the name of Christ. He didn't ask me to live half baked.

He told me to look at the ants and how diligently they work and stay focused.

“Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise.” (Prov. 6:6, RSV)

You know how when you flip up a rock or a piece of wood, or just flat kick an ant hill, they all run about? Disruption in their work = chaos....within just a few minutes though they get right back at the task of life rebuilding. Kick an ant hill, in an hour it's looking pretty close to what it looked like before....... because of rebuilding.

“Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise. . . . She prepares her food in summer, and gathers her sustenance in harvest” (Prov. 6:6, 8).

“The ants are a people not strong, yet they provide their food in the summer. . . .” (Prov. 30:25).

They do things in steps, not all at once.

While these verses speak about being lazy and procrastination, they also speak to me about rebuilding when my spiritual walk has been kicked about and scattered, disrupted. I guess I need to take a look at the ants and their diligence in getting back on track.

The ants get severely agitated at the invade of their abode and even bite sometimes when they have been messed with. The agitator quickly runs away.

.....I have so been there lately. Severely agitated at letting the temple of my soul become invaded by the distractions of the world and the thing I call church, that I have "bitten" people and even "bitten" myself. I have infected myself with my own poison trying to control things that God normally handles for me.

So I am going to start the rebuilding of my spiritual life. One piece of sand at a time, just like the ants.

More prayer time.

Better study quality.

Accessing God's grace for my iniquities and for others I need to forgive.

Not holding myself accountable for others actions, but holding steadfast to the knowledge that I don't need to chill out..... but I need to buckle down and hold fast.

Allowing myself to hear Gods guidance and not feeling guilty if it isn't the popular choice.

Having had my hill kicked over is not a normal feeling for me. Running about in desperation trying to put my spiritual house back together on my own isn't something I have done in a very long time. I can honestly say, trying to do it on my own has really sucked. I am done with that now. I won't allow myself to feel false guilt anymore. It's destroying my real ability to access the God who built my house to begin with.

While some may feel the need to run around doing whatever they please...... having their course set before them but choosing their own path as better.......accessing no guidance for fear they may have to really work...... loving the life of chaos instead the one that heaps direction and blessing...........

.......I don't feel that need to participate anymore....and I won't. It doesn't bring me joy and I don't feel the love of the Lord. I cannot live without feeling the love of the Lord, It's like my breath to stay alive.

I choose not to settle and suffocate....but to separate and be loved fully and completely for obedience to the God who has NEVER failed me.

When I have turned my back, to walk my way, He grabbed my arm sternly and said. "No! Your path is this narrow one here, get back on it."

As soon as I determined myself to do the hard thing and be face to face with my savior....I felt hope & purpose. My ability to suck in some grace became instantly easier.

I know the one who strokes my weaknesses is furious, discouraged by my choice, and will eventually turn and run away....

Hope and purpose are my first two pieces of sand......

rage against the Melvinite from rejectapaloosa-ville.......

Um, so I got my third ticket in Oak Ridge. It was the second ticket I had been given by a speed camera.

The day I got this ticket I was trying to obey the law HARD. On the way to the doctors appt. I saw the camera going off crazy...flash, flash.........flash, flash, flash.......flash. I was like what is wrong with that thing, maybe it needs to be calibrated. I checked my speed, my cruise was set on 30, though the speed limit was 35. I knew it wasn't me.

On the way home I could see the camera still going off crazy as I was approaching it. Flashing away in front of me....

I am now up on the camera....flash, flash.....

passing it....flash, flash, flash....

rear view mirror.....flash flash.....check my speed still on 30-ish....oops am I in a school zone?

Look up real quick, oh good, in a school zone but the light isn't flashing....good, so it isn't me then, the camera must be wacked out.

When I get home though, I am calling D to tell him what's up in case they send me a ticket. Cause today I am 100% sure I am obeying the law so if I get a ticket, I am going to be livid.

.....this is my thought process.

Went home, called D gave him the run down on the flikted speed camera situation, and conveyed I was going to court if I got a ticket.

This past Saturday, before I was about to start getting ready to go to a wedding reception at church, I opened the mail. BIG MISTAKE!

As I pulled from the envelope a picture of my car clear as a bell.... with my tag so easily readable I didn't even need my reading glasses to look at it........my blood pressure hit an all time high in the Guinness Book of World Records. It ran so hot I thought I would scratch a hole in the sheet rock in my kitchen with my fingernails.

At that instant I determined I was not going to pay the ticket no matter what. I was prepared to go jail for a speeding ticket for going 31 in a 20 mph zone.

I pictured myself sitting in a jail cell, with crazy, matted up hair, and wild, high on crackalacky eyes......"Don't come any closer! I'm dangerous! I'm unpredictable! I went 31 in a 20 & that was after I ripped the tag off my pillows and mattresses!!!! (insert psycho music)

I hopped on Z's scooter and scooted on over to the porch politics at King David's house where His Highness Ferdinand the First, King David, & D were hashing out whether or not they trust a computer with their lives.....ex. an airplane, driven by computer with an ability to override a human...or some stupid crap that no one cares about but them, it seemed like a total waste of good breathing time.

I interrupted this to pledge my allegiance to the jail cell and swear by my truths. Then we all came up with a plan of action to fight & revolt that was unrealistic, to which His Highness Ferdinand the First quickly pointed out we were wasting breathing time, we were going to lose.

Later it occured to me that there was a web site that we could enter my citation number into and then watch me violating the law supposedly. So we do it.

Clearly on the video the school zone lights are blinking. I must have glanced up at the light when it was off and thought myself innocent. D agrees with the timing of the light and all that this is a possiblity.

D proceeds to take this "snapshot" from the video...... while he is at work......



.......and then email it to the porch politics people, telling them how I was Chicken Little & the sky was falling, the sky was falling......

I initially was so angry that I was so busted when I had thought I was surely innocent. I was willing to go to jail for for petes sake. I wanted to scratch my face off in severe aggravation. My inner turmoil could not be soothed for about a full day. It sucked. My joy was completely stolen and there was no trace of it anywhere.

That is why I am sure I must have been PMS-ing. I am sure that I need some hormone therapy.....or just some plain old therapy. That was crazy.

I don't think I would have been so upset if if I hadn't believed myself to be so freaking innocent
and I hadn't have been trying so hard to obey the speed limit.

Plus, Oak Ridge........that city, really isn't all that. I am so outta there. I am looking for new doctors and dentists, no more of my money will spent on the city of Oak Ridge.

My first ticket there, the freaking cop gave me a ticket about 10 yards away from a 55 mph sign. I was going 55 in a 45.

He pulled me over in front of a 55 mph sign to give me a ticket for going 55 in a 45.

Then before he left me he says this...

"Have a nice day ma'am and drive a little safer with your children in the car."

(in my mind) WHAT???! You fat, simple minded, muffin top, belt to tight, greasy comb over Melvinite, who just came from rejectapaloosa-ville! I can spit on the 55 mph sign, you loser! When I cross the line here, in oh say, 30 seconds!!!...AM I STILL GOING TO BE RECKLESS WEEBLE WOBBLE?! Get yer pants out yer butt crack, and loosen up that belt before yer swelling belly explodes, Ninny!

When he says this and before he has fully walked away and while I am going off in a tirade in my mind.....M & Z start laughing. May relaying to me he has an avocado head.....reminding me to drive a little safer with my children in the car.

The second ticket I was really speeding...45 in a 35....and I knew it....CB had just come from the pediatric dentist cause he had almost knocked his teeth out. I was not paying attention to my speedometer and the speed camera's were new. I paid the ticket with out an anger problem.

I know I am not the best driver. I do. But I have been trying really hard to watch when I back up, to go the speed limit, and to be careful with my kids in the car........trying really, really hard to be a good driver. That ticket is "jackin my style."

Fun facts to know and tell.....I am over myself now.......

.......freaking finally!

Who wants to ride in The Silver Bullet?...................

I have had my butt so busy these past weeks its not even funny. I know everyone is busy. I am not everyone though, I'm me.

I have had a drivers license since I turned 16. Personally I think it is a total mistake to give 16 yr olds a drivers license. They are idiot drivers with not a care in the world and believe themselves invincible.

Really I mean even adults think that too. We all drive around thinking we are not going to wreck our cars....whoops, but then you do. Its always the other persons fault too........ALWAYS.... especially when you are trying to explain it to your spouse.

So tonight......going to Lenoir City First Baptist Upward soccer celebration service with Zachary and CB in the car, I ran into this pest control guy who was talking on his cell phone. I swear we were easing up at the light for a right turn, he was a go....I applied the gas a bit, he apparently stopped abruptly, but I did not stop the easing up process and as I realized he wasn't moving I slammed the brakes and he applied the gas of his car. I bumped him just enough to make you want to give your own self a paper cut as punishment. Heads jerked and Z says, "GREAT MOM! I saw that coming all day long!!"
A- Well, why didn't you tell me for petes sake.
Z- you are the driver, pay attention
A- I was paying attention
Z- that's why you hit the man....
A- Z I hate to say shut up to you , but shut up (I get out of the car)

The Pest Control Man is already out of his white 4 door small sedan looking disturbed. I assess our situation and to my surprise it looks like there is no damage to either of our cars. To his surprise too!

I ask him if I made scratch A........no
scratch B?.......no........well, what about scratch C?........no.

He wiggles his bumper which clearly looks loose & tells me that he had a wreck two weeks ago and that's from then he's sure. Pest Control Man tells me he thinks we are good. I am thrilled, he is thrilled and we part ways. I tell him I am on my way to church and I am going to praise God and he tells me to praise God a couple times for him too.

back in the car...........

Z- No damage?
A- My tag from Grayson is messed up but who really cares about that anyway? I should get one like Nana has that says "Nana's ride" anyway.
Z- Thank goodness, I thought we were going to be late. Can you please not hit anything else on the way to church?
A- again....shut up Z
Z- Are you going to tell Dad?
A- Why do you always ask me the undeniable questions so quickly, can't I revel in my joy that my car is okay and that I get a new front tag before I have to waller in the pit about telling Dad???
Z- If you don't tell him you are deceiving him.
A- Z, I am going to tell Dad cause the rule of law is, if I don't.... then something will turn up wrong with the car and I will have to tell him anyway....then it will be worse cause I didn't say sooner......and here's another good thing I can tell him, I already have an eye doctor appt scheduled for Thursday, so I got that base covered too.

It just wasn't all that, CB was taking a nap and never even woke up.

Z rides skittish with me for the rest of the night.......making wise cracks about my driving skills. He couldn't wait to get home and spill it.

The problem is..... I really have hit our own cars or someone else's cars with every car I or Derrick has owned since we have been married, I swear, I am not boasting, I am just sayin that's all. I hit two of D's cars with one car on the same day when we first got married.

Once, I backed into his white truck in the snow..... cause in my mirror it looked white like everything else.

I even backed into our stucco house once in Santa Fe and he had to fix it.

I backed all the way down the side of that same white truck one other time cause I pressed the gas instead of the brake.

When we moved to TN..... in like one month I backed into 3 different cars at Turkey Creek. None of them were big deals thank goodness, sort of like the one I had tonight. Lucky for me too, the people whom I backed into were all present except one whom I hunted down.

He was a worker in a Radio Shack or something. He was an idiot and was going to tell me I did some damage that was way rusted. I was like..... look you greasy, teenage, pimple chin, freak, that is rusted, try again. No damage. Plus, he was dang parked crooked in two spaces trying to protect his rusted piece of low rider crap. I should have backed all over it on purpose and put it out of its misery.

Maysie got to where she was afraid to ride with me. All the kids had gotten to the point where they would all watch the windows and help me back up.

Before I leave my house, D constantly tells me not to back into Big Red (his Ford F150) "red means stop".......no.......... it means "bullseye."

So D has told me I have a depth perception problem. I used to get aggravated with him when he would say that. But I have resigned to that he must be telling the truth. I slam glasses down on tables, run into crap, God help me if I am wearing my glasses and I have to walk down a curb or some steps it is pathetic. I look like I might be drunk.

I was at the ball field once and was walking on this knoll talking to this woman I didn't know very well. My brain was trying to say a name that was tricky and I got tongue tied a bit then dang'd if I didn't miss step on misjudgement of the knoll. I was high stepping as I was unsure how far away the ground was to catch myself. It's funny for me to think how I must have looked, but her face was like, do you have a problem lady? I am not sure I want to be hangin out with you to long.....

I tried to explain the depth perception theory to her.....made me look like a moron. I just had to stop and hope to make a better impression on her later.

We are down to about 5 tea glasses out of 15 I bought cause I knew I would break some. My glass pitchers are dwindling quickly. I am gonna go and discuss the possibility with an eye doctor Thursday.......cause I just don't have enough crap to do right????

So tonight my people made a jolly sport of reminiscing about my driving skills.....D reminded me that I had even wrecked his lawnmower.

May reminded me that I misjudged some stuff in the garage Saturday and fell over her bicycle and broke off her kick stand when I fell into the throng bicycles and scooters.........a collage of bruises.

I admit I am not really the best driver I guess. I do, however, make an honest effort not to ride folks bumpers, cause I don't want to wreck my car by misjudging the distance. Even tonight Z said I was not riding Pest Control Mans bumper. I would have gotten a ticket though. I have had a lot of those too.

So I need a new tag for the front of my car, we call her "The Silver Bullet."
I call myself "Dumpy Mcgoo" so May says I should get that or "Big Momma's Ride"

Maybe I will just get one of those ambulance stickers that you can read correctly in your rear view mirror when they are coming up behind you that says "Ambulance"........

........except mine will say, "If you can read this, brace yourself"...........

to be lucky or not to be lucky, that is the question...........

I was bending down......


to look at a snake in our driveway that we ran over with the car on purpose some days ago and it was still there cause I forgot all about it till D told me he thought it was a copper head......

so I thought I should actually look at it.....

and my pants split in the crotch all the way up to my belt loop.....

The dumb pants were not even tight cause I lost some weight (PRAISE GOD) I think they had just been washed too many times cause I refuse to buy clothes till I lose some dang weight.

I was going on the premise that God made sure the sandals didn't wear out while the Hebrews were wandering in the wilderness for 40 years........

probably didn't work cause I'm not Hebrew or something......

..........................................................

This summer May and I found 17 four leaf clovers. Maysie actually found 2 five leaf clovers which is crazy wild to me.

I've never found a five leaf clover.

...in the picture above are clovers we found in once day! We found them in the same patch, cause you know, 4 leaf clovers are a mutation......so if you find one in a patch, chances are if you keep looking you'll find a bunch more around it. I have to say this cause it's tradition. I always tell May the reason we find so many in a patch is because "it's a mutation," to which she responds, "you ALWAYS SAY THAT! I already know it."

So I have to say it now, cause it's tradition.....
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So I got a ticket in Oak Ridge last month on my way home from taking CB to get his almost knocked out tooth fixed. The idiotic camera's mounted on the red light things snapped off a picture of my car clear as a bell in two different positions, both showing my license plate clearly.

Both photographs clearly displayed my "Hard Core Jesus Freak" Harley Davidson style window decal too. They clocked me going 46 in a 35. SO STUPID they have this 4 lane in Oak Ridge that I could walk faster in than people drive. When I am driving up there I feel like I might grow a ZZ Top beard and die before I get to the dentist or pediatricians office.

So my $10 co-pay office visit now cost me $60. I am absolutely going to switch my dentists and pediatrician office to someone closer to us and that won't cause me to have undue stress and anxiety about getting a ticket for going a decent speed on a 4 lane. I read in the paper that those cameras have caught THOUSANDS of folks going higher than 35 and each has paid a minimum fine of $50. You can do the math.......somebody is not havin a cash flow problem.

You know.....about two years ago, now that I think about it I got a ticket in Oak Ridge on that same road going 55 in a 45. Right where the road starts to turn into a decent speed leaving Oak Ridge not right in town, I got pulled over I swear right in front of a 55 mile an hour sign, for doing 55 in a 45. I could have spit on the sign if I was so inclined because I was that close. It was clear idiocy to me and I hate to say it but my kids were making fun of the police officer cause he had a big fat belly with a waaaaaay too tight belt. That looked like it would pop off at a high speed and kill you if he ate just oooonnnne more donut. When he sat down he had to have been uncomfortable.

anyway......so I told D when they looked at my picture with that Jesus Freak decal on the window, I bet they said, "Hey Jesus Freak! Put the petal to the metal on this!"

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CB told me today he wanted a "horsey kiss."............Hershey Kiss


I put a new train clock in CB's room. He asks me every night what time it is. I told him, "It says 10 o'clock, it's way past your bedtime."

He tells me, "No it isn't 10 o'clock, it's a-train-o'clock, now what time does it say?"

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Why is it green freezy pops always make you cough???

I hate lime stuff, but I hide the green freezy pops cause they are delicious to me, but I swear every time I eat one it tickles my throat and makes me cough, it's the strangest thing.

you know, you don't have to stop fully at stop signs with white lines around the outside.........

These are sheer random thoughts from the past that just came to me for a no good reason today.....

When I was getting married I had gotten my invitations together to send out. A few people I did not know their addresses but knew where they lived, so Mom & I decided to hand deliver them. One in particular was an invitation I had to give because they were attached to my family by marriage. This would be my step uncle and his horrid wife. This was his second marriage and hers too. She had a son who was mentally challenged a bit, but a super kid. He was smart in school, eager to please, a hard worker at the grocery store where he bagged groceries, and he was happy despite the circumstances in which he lived.

He was super pale and when he laughed he turn bright red, so we called him "Fire Ball." His parents were morons, his mom and step father, my step uncle. My step uncle, rest his soul, was one of those that sued everybody. If he could remotely be somewhere that could potentially help him receive money so he didn't have to work, he was there. The mother never brushed her teeth. I don't care how poor you might be, a toothbrush is not that expensive, even if you can't afford toothpaste......put a dang brush on yer freakin teeth....GOSH!

She spoke in this high pitched annoying voice that made me physically distort my face when listening to her speak. I felt in my heart that she wondered how her life had become unsatisfactory and was just trying to live through it. She had become sort of an anxious woman and started to stutter in that high pitched voice and I just had to cringe.

I felt like someone needed to rescue Fire Ball so he could succeed. Given the right circumstances Fire Ball could be a superb man. I would later learn, after my father's funeral, and by sheer chance, that he was in fact doing well for himself, which made my heart feel relief.

So Mom and I went to deliver my beautiful wedding invitations to them in person. She was mowing her grass, over weight, greasy short brown hair, completely and utterly sweaty, with gunky teeth, and no bra on with her DDD boobs swinging under her shirt as she mowed....it was awful. So Mom did some small talk and I smiled and tried to be polite without making the distorted face.

Mom handed her the invitation and she stuck my beautiful wedding invitation in her sweaty underwear inside her pants......I physically said "uuuuhhh," and my mom slapped me on my thigh inside the car. She said our goodbyes and we drove off to the stop sign. Once far enough away we both started eeeeewwww-ing as loud as all get out. Trying to shake off the horrible sight of that wonderful piece of paper that signified I was about to marry the man of my dreams in her swinging triple D's, gunky teeth, sweaty pants.


Okay, shake that off if you can and we'll move on...............


This story reminded me of my mom's cousins. They have a house on the lake in my mom's home town in South Carolina. Quite a few of her cousins live in that area and spend a good bit of time on the lake eating together and whatnot. One of the cousins, I believe, owns a bar and grille with live entertainment. I have not been there, but I hear they all have a pretty good time regularly. My whole family is full of cut-ups as one might guess. We all like to laugh hard and we all love hard too.

So the one cousin that owns the bar and grille is a twin. I hear that one of the twins has a girlfriend they call "Buttah Face." I am not sure of her real name actually, cause this is what they call her....to her face, when speaking about or referring to her to other people, you know general everyday conversation and so forth. I assumed at first since they are all from South Carolina and any word that ends with or has an "R" in it is deleted. Like Charles becomes Challs and Heather becomes Heathah...Mother becomes Muthah....hence her nickname is Buttah Face so that must be Butter Face. She must have super smooth skin or be young or something....

uuuuuuuhh no

I am informed her name is "Buttah Face" because everything looks good on her BUTTAH FACE!

That's just freakin funny, I'm sorry, but it is......


I thought of this too.......


Not too long after I had gotten my license to drive, which took me two tries to get, I got a ticket for failing to stop fully at stop sign.

We had this guy who was a year younger than me living with our family, he was like my brother. Though we rarely talk anymore, I still have fond memories of him. I last saw him at my dads funeral and it made my heart happy to see him. We hadn't seen one another since shortly after I was married. His name was Mike.

Mike told me I didn't have to stop fully at stop signs that had white lines around the outside. It never occurred to me at the age of 16 that he may be yankin my chain.

Despite the fact that all the signs seemed to have white lines, it never occurred to me he was yankin my chain.

That is seriously STUPID dumb blonde material.

So I had to explain my stupidity to my mom, at 16 it never occurred to me I should be embarrassed about believing that. It was just something that happened, I got spoofed on, got a ticket, okay, and what's next on my happy little, I'm 16, and the whole world is mine to conquer life.

I don't envy my friends with 16 year old teenagers that are driving........

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We watched Curly Sue, the old movie from the 90's I think, about a homeless girl and her friend whom they call her dad. The two try to get this rich lady to help them out by tricking her into thinking she hit the man with her car.

At some point Curly Sue goes into foster care.

We watched this as a family. It was rated PG.....in the 90's. To me that = fairly clean family movie cause I am so contaminated by filth today. The dang movie came off with the "b word" 3 times & "G D" like 4 times. The movie is cute, but the language was unexpected and made me feel like a crappy mom...........well, for a little while then I went to sleep and forgot about it.

.....so I had to take my car to the Hyundai dealership for some things to get checked out and they gave me a loaner cause it was apparently gonna take some time.

So I get this cute little red economy something or other with a sunroof and a 21,000 price tag.....

Sky loves the car. She comes in from the garage relaying her love for the red car with a sunroof.

She then asks me, "How long do we get to keep your foster car?"