Monday, November 2, 2009

Who wants to ride in The Silver Bullet?...................

I have had my butt so busy these past weeks its not even funny. I know everyone is busy. I am not everyone though, I'm me.

I have had a drivers license since I turned 16. Personally I think it is a total mistake to give 16 yr olds a drivers license. They are idiot drivers with not a care in the world and believe themselves invincible.

Really I mean even adults think that too. We all drive around thinking we are not going to wreck our cars....whoops, but then you do. Its always the other persons fault too........ALWAYS.... especially when you are trying to explain it to your spouse.

So tonight......going to Lenoir City First Baptist Upward soccer celebration service with Zachary and CB in the car, I ran into this pest control guy who was talking on his cell phone. I swear we were easing up at the light for a right turn, he was a go....I applied the gas a bit, he apparently stopped abruptly, but I did not stop the easing up process and as I realized he wasn't moving I slammed the brakes and he applied the gas of his car. I bumped him just enough to make you want to give your own self a paper cut as punishment. Heads jerked and Z says, "GREAT MOM! I saw that coming all day long!!"
A- Well, why didn't you tell me for petes sake.
Z- you are the driver, pay attention
A- I was paying attention
Z- that's why you hit the man....
A- Z I hate to say shut up to you , but shut up (I get out of the car)

The Pest Control Man is already out of his white 4 door small sedan looking disturbed. I assess our situation and to my surprise it looks like there is no damage to either of our cars. To his surprise too!

I ask him if I made scratch
scratch B?, what about scratch C?

He wiggles his bumper which clearly looks loose & tells me that he had a wreck two weeks ago and that's from then he's sure. Pest Control Man tells me he thinks we are good. I am thrilled, he is thrilled and we part ways. I tell him I am on my way to church and I am going to praise God and he tells me to praise God a couple times for him too.

back in the car...........

Z- No damage?
A- My tag from Grayson is messed up but who really cares about that anyway? I should get one like Nana has that says "Nana's ride" anyway.
Z- Thank goodness, I thought we were going to be late. Can you please not hit anything else on the way to church?
A- again....shut up Z
Z- Are you going to tell Dad?
A- Why do you always ask me the undeniable questions so quickly, can't I revel in my joy that my car is okay and that I get a new front tag before I have to waller in the pit about telling Dad???
Z- If you don't tell him you are deceiving him.
A- Z, I am going to tell Dad cause the rule of law is, if I don't.... then something will turn up wrong with the car and I will have to tell him anyway....then it will be worse cause I didn't say sooner......and here's another good thing I can tell him, I already have an eye doctor appt scheduled for Thursday, so I got that base covered too.

It just wasn't all that, CB was taking a nap and never even woke up.

Z rides skittish with me for the rest of the night.......making wise cracks about my driving skills. He couldn't wait to get home and spill it.

The problem is..... I really have hit our own cars or someone else's cars with every car I or Derrick has owned since we have been married, I swear, I am not boasting, I am just sayin that's all. I hit two of D's cars with one car on the same day when we first got married.

Once, I backed into his white truck in the snow..... cause in my mirror it looked white like everything else.

I even backed into our stucco house once in Santa Fe and he had to fix it.

I backed all the way down the side of that same white truck one other time cause I pressed the gas instead of the brake.

When we moved to TN..... in like one month I backed into 3 different cars at Turkey Creek. None of them were big deals thank goodness, sort of like the one I had tonight. Lucky for me too, the people whom I backed into were all present except one whom I hunted down.

He was a worker in a Radio Shack or something. He was an idiot and was going to tell me I did some damage that was way rusted. I was like..... look you greasy, teenage, pimple chin, freak, that is rusted, try again. No damage. Plus, he was dang parked crooked in two spaces trying to protect his rusted piece of low rider crap. I should have backed all over it on purpose and put it out of its misery.

Maysie got to where she was afraid to ride with me. All the kids had gotten to the point where they would all watch the windows and help me back up.

Before I leave my house, D constantly tells me not to back into Big Red (his Ford F150) "red means stop" it means "bullseye."

So D has told me I have a depth perception problem. I used to get aggravated with him when he would say that. But I have resigned to that he must be telling the truth. I slam glasses down on tables, run into crap, God help me if I am wearing my glasses and I have to walk down a curb or some steps it is pathetic. I look like I might be drunk.

I was at the ball field once and was walking on this knoll talking to this woman I didn't know very well. My brain was trying to say a name that was tricky and I got tongue tied a bit then dang'd if I didn't miss step on misjudgement of the knoll. I was high stepping as I was unsure how far away the ground was to catch myself. It's funny for me to think how I must have looked, but her face was like, do you have a problem lady? I am not sure I want to be hangin out with you to long.....

I tried to explain the depth perception theory to her.....made me look like a moron. I just had to stop and hope to make a better impression on her later.

We are down to about 5 tea glasses out of 15 I bought cause I knew I would break some. My glass pitchers are dwindling quickly. I am gonna go and discuss the possibility with an eye doctor Thursday.......cause I just don't have enough crap to do right????

So tonight my people made a jolly sport of reminiscing about my driving skills.....D reminded me that I had even wrecked his lawnmower.

May reminded me that I misjudged some stuff in the garage Saturday and fell over her bicycle and broke off her kick stand when I fell into the throng bicycles and scooters.........a collage of bruises.

I admit I am not really the best driver I guess. I do, however, make an honest effort not to ride folks bumpers, cause I don't want to wreck my car by misjudging the distance. Even tonight Z said I was not riding Pest Control Mans bumper. I would have gotten a ticket though. I have had a lot of those too.

So I need a new tag for the front of my car, we call her "The Silver Bullet."
I call myself "Dumpy Mcgoo" so May says I should get that or "Big Momma's Ride"

Maybe I will just get one of those ambulance stickers that you can read correctly in your rear view mirror when they are coming up behind you that says "Ambulance"........

........except mine will say, "If you can read this, brace yourself"...........


Gena said...

Honey, it was no neccessary for you to come clean with all your mishaps! I am glad to know that I am no the only one who's people find me to be the absolute best "butt" of every joke. Hang in there, sweetie!

Linear Heritage of Women said...

Hey, I'm just glad that you and the kids are ok and that nothing was seriously damaged. I know what you mean about the depth perception thing. But, my problem seems to have gotten better since I've gotten glasses. I didn't realize that I had a severe astigmatism.