Do you want some of my whoop, whoop?.......

D got a facebook. He is addicted to it, though he claims he is not. He was conflicted about what exactly it meant to add "friends" to your list. We had this long overdrawn out discussion about "friends." Then like, one of his first status updates was some business about about how I said his "friends" weren't his "real friends" and can he get a "whoop, whoop" if you are his friend and fa lala lala la la la la.

I am like, slow yer roll dude, that is not what I said at all. But as is common practice I gave him a mulligan and let him have his FB fun. Cause you know how it is when you first get on FB...it's a time eating machine that you think about incessantly.

Well of course all of his friends are going to "whoop, whoop" him, for crying out loud. No amount of explaining I do is going to take back that inaccurate status update.

So all day long his phone is dinging to show someone else has given him a whoop, whoop. He appended a certain high pitched voice to the whoop whoop as the day progressed. By the end of this particular day D has a whoop whoop dance to go with it.

He is feeling very FB encouraged and asks me if I would like to have some of his whoop whoop.

I am like, "I don't know man, if it's anything like yer couscous I need to think about it."

....he is still getting whoop whoops and he still does the dance, even after nearly two weeks.

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A- Cole what would like for dinner?

CB- uuuuummm......I think I would like to have some chips with some tater tots. (he's serious)

A- uuuuummmm.....Let me see......hoooooww about, no. Try again.

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We had this awful bout with chiggers a couple weeks ago. They were awful. Zac, May, and I all had bites all over our legs. They were rampant at the soccer fields apparently and lots of folks I had spoken with had bites on their legs also. I was Google-ing endlessly one day to find a source of termination for the incessant itching on our legs......fingernail polish worked great for us.

A link for Urban Dictionary came up. It read something to the effect of

Chiggers - Chegroes -

Politically-correct name for biting insects; ie chiggers.

This caused me to snicker a little, but not too much cause I didn't want to get honkey guilt.....

Warning: Urban dictionary can be mind contaminate, but some of the new phrases and meanings, are pretty witty.

........................................................................

I took Cole to the Kroger Deli so as not to feed his addiction to the sight of Golden Arches.

I swear if you take a child to McD's one time it is a permanent life addiction until they reach 40.

When it suddenly catches up with them and then they have to take a probiotic and some Colonix to regain some sense well being and decontamination.

Anyhoo....

CB- I don't want to eat at the Deli

A- I don't care CB. There is no way I am going in McD's today, the smell makes me gag.

CB - You can just hold yer nose Momma, that's what I do when it stinks.

A- No, CB ...you'll like this stuff I promise. Little, tiny chicken legs and green beans, it'll be good trust me.

CB does love the 5 little chicken legs he has picked out and the beans. He is smacking his lips in the back seat on the way home.

CB- mmm......mmmmmmm.......mmm...Mom I love these chickens. I am gonna save these two for Skylar and Zac.

A- Sky can't eat those Babe, go ahead and eat them. I will buy Zac some legs later okay?

CB- Mom what's this stuff say on the top? (he's holding the lid up pointing to the ingredients list)

A- That's the ingredients. It tells what they make the chicken flavoring from.

CB - Well.......I love these ingredients.

...........................................................................

Yer skull monkeys must be cannibals........

Last night I was reading to Sky before bed.

I don't care what book I am reading ALL of my kids want to be present. I could be reading something like Little Danny Loves Dinosaurs or How To Resolve Mechanical Maneuvers That Require Numerous Maniacal Procedures .

They want to hear it.

I was reading My Dumb Diary, Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jim Benton. It's main character is a crazy comical middle school girl. The book is pretty funny to me, and so are the pictures.

So the main character is going on about how her best friend is not so brainy and says something like this,
"...if brains were bananas, let's just say that there would be a lot of skinny monkeys scraping around the inside of Isabella's skull."

With this statement is a picture of Einstein's skull monkey who is fat as a tater in a bikini standing next to Isabella's toothpick, starving skull monkey in a bikini.....the pictures are funny to me and we all giggle at them.

A- I bet my skull monkey is HOT ! Cause I am not too stupid and not too smart...though she might be cross-eyed cause I can't remember anything.

Z- Well Sky, your skull monkeys must be pretty skinny....

M - Yeah well Zac, yer skull monkeys must be freakin cannibals then.....

....we all start laughing, including Zac. He then shoves as much of his hand into his mouth as he can signaling that his skull monkeys, being so hungry and in idiocy, have begun to eat their own selves. It is hilarious.

.....................................................................

Yesterday May and I walk into the kitchen while CB has a friend over. They are moving in severe fast forward motion away from a kool-aid pitcher that has a handle on the top. This handle is used to mix kool-aid powder with water inside of the pitcher.

Immediately upon us entering.... the herky jerky, up and down, swooshing the sugared drink mix motion ceases.

CB says - We aren't doing anything.


(okay, Little Larry Lies a Lot)


CB & his friend look at each other cautiously.

May & I look at each other and exchange the... you so just busted yourselves... look ....

A- Cole, do you want lemonade son?

CB - ....um....(looks at his friend)Yes.

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Maysie discussing with me dissecting some crayfish in her biology class this year.

M- The book then says...and these are the crayfish testicles...I mean, do I get to wear gloves, right? Cause I could live my whole life without touching crayfish testicles....

Z hollering from another room somewhere in the house far from us - They look like noodles!!

....coming from the boy who can't hear his own self fart in the same room, but can hear a conversation about crayfish testicles from down the street.

...........................................................................

At the Game Haven while PJ was here.......I am having to paddle my way through Slobber River because all of the males in the store are trying to figuring out which game to purchase with their mouth in the open position.

To me this store is the equivalent of a woman in a shoe store with 100 pairs of Italian leather shoes to try on.

Sky locates a DS game called "My Stop Smoking Coach."

This is a mind boggling thing to process for May and I.

It starts this babbling, in valley girl voice overs.....

M- Oh this game was my savior. I just totally pretended to smoke my stylus pen, it was so convenient to have right there in my game system. When I couldn't get that high feeling for satisfaction, I just totally stuck my tongue on the battery charger.

A- Oh sweet. Did you totally have to go outside to the designated lick yer battery section or could you lick it the middle of a restaurant after dinner?

M- Fer sure. I so licked my battery in the restaurant....but my smoking coach totally deducted from my score.

A- W H A T E V E RRRR, that is so totally buggin.



May and I had to leave the store after that, we were about to get stupid.

You had a little run in with the car today huh?

CB-(whining)uuuuuuuuuuuuu I am so bored.....

A- Well, don't look at me. I'm not the dog and pony show, go outside.

CB- No it's too hot and you won't take me to Lake Fish Boobies.

A- Lake Fish Boobies? Where is that??

CB- You know where the fish tried to eat my boobies off....

A- CB, where did that happen??

CB- You know where the the big kids left me and went to the ropes and you made me play with the boy in the water fountains and his mom had brown teeth.

A- Oh you mean the county park...with the geese that chased you and when Logan was with us?

CB- Yes, I want to go there and you won't take me.

.........Lake Fish Boobies...

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I stopped at a gas station on the way to the orthodontist some time back. May was the only child with me this particular morning. I got out of the car and stepped toward the passenger door. My drivers door did not shut. It just pulled closer to the vehicle.

• I pulled my purse from the car seat in which CB would normally sit.
• I turned to head inside.
• I crammed my face into the verticalness of the edge of the metal car door, from my forehead to my upper lip.

Hear this. I nearly knocked myself out. I ran into it so hard. My sunglasses flew off and fell to the ground. I was seeing spots and disoriented for about 10 seconds.

May- (in front passenger seat) GOSH! MOM!(snicker) Are you okay???

A-(coming to my senses and realizing how that must have looked and sounded to her) Yes,(snickering a little myself now) oh man, I totally ran into the door.

May - You think? Are you okay? You're gonna have a bruise on your face.

I am rubbing my forehead and trying to figure out how this happened and my head is seriously swelling up vertically, matching up with my car door.

I begin to make light of the situation with Maysie, while she is reliving how it appeared from her perspective. I have to laugh at myself cause the whole situation is retarded.

I shut the car door. I properly make sure I am aligned correctly with the pavement and curb for walking, I head into the gas station store.

This skinny Indian fellow with a lot of puffy black hair.....

I don't mean like a Navajo or Cherokee Indian......like a real Indian fellow, whose wife may have a red dot on her forehead....well, if he had a wife and all....

.....is smiling his straight white teeth at me very big.

Indian fellow - Are you okay Miss? You had a little run in with the car today huh? You did not see the car door, yes Miss?

A-(snickering again, cause I'm an idiot and busted by the gas station dude) Yes, WOW... Dude, I totally almost knocked myself out. I mean fer real. I saw some dots and the whole works...and look at my forehead. I got a vertical bruise showin out already all up on my face.

Indian man - (still showing me his really big smiley teeth) oooohh yes, I do see that. It will be a shiner....... how to explain that one my friend. Yes I saw you stumble around and your glasses were flying off of your face. Yes, it appears a full spilt down the middle Miss. Would you like to buy new sunglasses? (Gesturing toward gas station sunglasses.)

Okay.....it is clear he has enjoyed my folly way too much. I pay for my stuff and turn to head out.

A- Negative. I don't want anymore sunglasses. Apparently I need some prescription glasses do you have any of those?

Indian man - Yes Miss, have a nice day today. Watch that vehicle door today, the driver's side is out to get you for sure....(still smiling showing me all his teeth)

A- Yes, I will.....

....back at the car, where May has been waiting for me.....

M- Yeah... the gas station guy totally saw you bust it. That's hilarious.

A- Shut up May.

This was before it turned blue....and then green & yellow....

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While in the mountains CB is laying with me on the couch.......STILL sucking his thumb.

A- You know if you don't quit sucking yer thumb all the green scooters will be gone. You'll have to get another color.

CB- No I won't. What's that fat guys name? The one at Christmas....

A- Santa Claus?

CB- Yeah, him. I'll just ask him to bring it. His people can make it.

I push him off the couch.

CB - What???

A little Nook..... or two, part 2........

Saturday morning D and I got up and had coffee on the back deck with each other in peace. He read his phone and I read about my new Nook through the manual loaded on it. It was awesome to hold and I felt cool.

I sort of felt really white. Here we are way up on a mountain with all this great scenery and animal sounds....and both my husband and I are stuck face down in our electronics with our perfect little children snuggled in their beds while we sit together in "peace" on the back deck of a vacation home......with our minivan in full side view.

Once the kids got up, ate, and we packed our cooler for the day, we took off for Deep Creek park.

We grabbed a picnic table, plopped all our earthly belongings on top of it and around it to be sure everyone knew this table was well taken.



I walked up the path a mile or so with them the first time, so I could take pictures of them on the way down. I knew once we got going I'd be leaving my camera behind. OOOOOO h yeah, everyone was gung hoe that first walk up, toting their own tubes & couldn't walk fast enough.

Once they put in I took off down way to catch a few shots.

This was around 10:30 am or so and no one was at the park yet. We had the run of the creek to ourselves and few other folks.

By the time we left around 4:30 pm that afternoon the park was packed. There wasn't a single parking place anywhere, trying to find a picnic table would have been a serious joke. The creek was so full of tubers that as far down as I could see, was nothing but a sea of neon orange, Santa Fe sky blue, and lime green tubes. It was the complete opposite of our first run of the day.

The water was super cold all day. This was a great help to those of us who fell off of our tubes every 10 minutes or so. D set CB up so that we could be attached to him by way of a rope which was brilliant. This way if he flipped or got to far ahead we were on him quick.

Well of course D brought him down with flying colors the first run. CB had a ball, couldn't wait to go again. It takes a little while to get back down once you put in. D announced he was going to sit the next run out and let me take CB. He would start the grill for lunch. D explained to me CB roping technique. I listened and we took off.

We are 1/4 to 1/2 of the way up. CB doesn't want to walk anymore. I am toting his tube and a heavy black tire tube (cause D and Z claimed those were the better tubes vs. the brightly colored lighter tunes. More durable = MORE HEAVY, with no handles) I am toting 2 tubes. Sky is not wanting to carry her lighter tube. Now Z is toting her tube. CB is starting to whine about he's hungry and he doesn't want to walk. It's a long walk for small stride legs.

In my show no mercy mind I'm all, Oh no dude, yer butt is going up and walkin too, yer the one who wanted to go a second run immediately and didn't want to take a break, get to steppin Larry.

Z ends up putting CB on his back and telling Sky to tote her own tube. Z hauls CB a good ways up while carrying his own tube. It takes us forever to get up cause Z and I have to keep switching off with our heavy tubes and CB and Sky and their tubes. I proclaim a minimum of 50 times that I am never getting a heavy black tire tube again...... I don't care what they say, I want a dinky neon tube with handles. I notice at the end of the day we are the only fools who even got the heavy tire tubes......not gonna do those again.

At the top we put in. I work the rope and fall off my tube at least three times cause I am just not that well balanced and coordinated enough to lay back and just work it. So I am sitting upright. This causes me to get hung up on the rocks....um...........all the way down. It makes CB worried cause it is taking so long to get down and he is cold, tired, and hungry. This young, hip, fit, hiker type couple on the side sees me working the rope. They stand up and cheer me on.....for real.

"Way to work it Momma! wooooooooooooo!!! You look like a pro! You own the creek Momma!!!!! Aren't you supposed to be sitting on the bank chillin out? "

A- YES! What happened to that?! Go get my husband and tell him I need to chill out on the bank with my Nook & a soda!

Couple - Yer almost to the bottom Mom feel the rope, be the rope!! (they LOL) You're a PRO MOM!!!

A- YES!!! (swooshing on by) I am the creek master! Go and tell the world you have seen me!!!

Couple - (laughing, hooting & cheering)

I loved them cause they must have seen me trying to be a good mom and ready to get off that tube.

So we finally get to our picnic table pull out spot and it has been over an hour since we left. My arms are killing me and CB is super cold and hungry. He immediately starts crying and telling dad I fell off the tube and got hung up on every rock. D thinks I am a tubing moron, I think cause I can't lay back and do the rope. I feel the need to sit up on the tube to be alert. Which obviously worked against me at full strength.

D has made the most delicious hot dogs and hamburgers for us. I am bow down and worship grateful. After lunch D is ready to go again. D, M, and Z sneak off without CB & Sky while they are playing around in some pools beside our table.

I am thinking I am so done today. My arms are killing me to the point that putting a pickle in my mouth seems like an Olympic event that someone should give me a medal for. I need that couple to cheer me on to raise my arms to drink my soda.

"you're a pro MOM!!! You own the caffeine free diet soda, work it, feel the soda, be the soda!!!"

We have partnered up with these older than us couples(in their late 50's and 60's). We watch their tubes and they watch ours for picture taking and bathroom breaks and general cutting up.

D has had a jolly good time at my expense agging CB on about what a terrible tuber I am and how Dad is really the king of the creek. The more CB tells of our experience down the creek, the more D aggs him on, the more the old folks laugh. Finally D takes him down one more time and then claims he is done tubing for the day. He is getting sore and scratched up also, even though he has not fallen out.

Alas the 3 oldest kids want me to go with them one more time. I don't have to take CB which is cool, so I hop up ready for some action.

I fall off and get stuck on the rocks cause I am an awful tuber all the way down. This bald man with straight white teeth is behind me steady laughing and having a barn hootin laugh out when I get hung up and flipped in this one rapid.

He hollers out, "Don't worry about it! It looked pretty Momma! (insert hillbilly laugh out)"

He hits the same rapid and flips. I hop on my tube. I am on the tube but not floating frontward the way I should be. I hollered back cause I can see his head pop up out of the water and he's pulling his pants up, "Don't worry about it Poppa, It looked pretty!" I see his smiling white teeth and bald head......his face reads that he is so busted, but a super good sport.

Z has been the gentleman on this ride down. He waited for me all the way so he could get me unstuck and help me when I fell off. When we pull out D is packing up and I am thankful. All of us are scratched up, exhausted, and sore....not just me. On the way home despite being scratched up & exhausted we are relaying constantly how fun the day was. We all thanked Maysie relentlessly for suggesting we come to the mountain house for her birthday.

It was a super good time. The whole weekend was awesome.

I have no idea why everyone called me "Momma" this weekend.

I may need to make some adjustments to my outer shell.

they don't care, adapt and overcome.............

While D was gone to the beach I stayed pretty busy.............duh.

I told May the first night D was gone I was going to stay up all night long surfing the internet and reading, doing what ever I dang well pleased. I told her when I got up on Thursday morning I was going to be a Zombie and when they ask me questions, no amount of coffee was going to get a coherent answer out of me. This was her warning, spread the word.

I am getting so freaking old though, my butt had to go to bed at 11:30 cause I was just too stinkin tired to stay awake any longer. I was reading with my eyes all rolled back in my head, rockin my head back and forth waking myself up before I slammed my face into my book with my reading glasses on.

I couldn't stay awake past midnight any of the nights he was gone. I completely wasted my "me time" sleeping.

Anyhoo, May and I managed to make 30 jars of jam.....23 jars of cherry and 7 jars of chocolate mint. The cherries were from King David's yard and the chocolate mint from mine.

That day....... I unintentionally worked May like a slave.

She was totally gung ho to do the jam but by the last batch she was exhasuted and so was I. We took a quick swim in the lake(and I say quick cause the cows from atop the bluff were blowing their stank over & down onto the lake and it was gross) and then came back and mowed the grass for 3 1/2 hours.

ON THE #4 SETTING BAAAABBY! You know the saying while the cats away the mice will play......ooooohhh yeah. May and I made the executive decision to really CUT the grass. To heck with this man mowing business about "leave it tall and choke out the weeds, mow the grass on the highest setting"........no way, I got busy with it, Momma didn't play. #4 setting!!!!! woot woot

....then, when I was about finished, I noticed there was a lot of grass sitting on top of the grass. So D would notice I cut on #4 instead of #6........ so then I had to lawn sweep the yard for about another hour or so, which meant May had to spread to the grass around like mulch in the designated flower beds. Ooooohhh but it looked awesome when I was done.

May and I so high five'd on our good work. Which our family is high five impaired so when we hit it on the first try, then we had to do it again..........should have left it at the one celebratory high five.

May relayed to me I had worked her like a slave and she was exhausted, that I OWED her a fun day the next day. We decided to go to Tellico Beach, a place D's parents had taken the kids before while we were out of town.

Mistake #1

I spent till midnight locating the beach on a satellite map cause I couldn't find the address to the place ANYWHERE. This should have been my first clue.

So Saturday we get up, eat, pack a cooler with drinks and food for lunch, get our sunscreen, chairs and beach towels and we are off to Tellico Beach.....with my satellite map.

I swear I am all over the dag gone entrance to the place but all the roads appear to be closed. So I go up and down thinking I have surely missed an entrance road for 20 minutes or so before I finally stop and ask this Tellico Villaginite, Bill Gates look alike, pumping his two seater Mercedes back tire up with what looks like a bicycle pump..... if I am close to the beach....

He tells me to go about 4 miles much further down the road than I have been going and according to my trusty picture map that is wrong....but I do it anyway cause I am getting frustrated. I smile real pretty, thank him, offer to let him call someone on my cell, he tells me "It's okay, he'll be done in just a few minutes, it's really okay despite how it looks." I smile again cause he knows I think he's pumping his tire with a bicycle pump apparently.....and maybe he was. Who cares really?

I get to the beach and its definitely not the beach we were shooting for. It's super small, SMALL! There is a birthday party going on with old people and fried chicken that smells great. I ask them about the other beach, the bigger beach, with the pavillion and they send me back down the street to where I started, gabbing on about some small boat ramp entrance.

The children don't want to stay at Fried Chicken Beach so I drag my dogged car back down to where I started and restart my flippin hunt for the entrance. CAN NOT FIND IT!!!!!!! All the entrances ARE CLOSED....DON'T GO THERE with your car packed IT ISN'T OPEN ANYMORE.

By now, CB just wants to get out of the car and he has started chanting Fried Chicken Beach, Fried Chicken Beach, Fried Chicken Beach......and by golly that's exactly where I go.

Mistake #2

We drag all our crap to the very small beach area and set up. Immediately the kids get into the water. The roped off area has been layered with sharp little tiny pebbles that kill your feet when you walk on them.

They don't care, adapt and overcome.

Suddenly the beach becomes crowded with like 50 kids, ages toddler to 8 years old. The toddlers are tired and screaming and should be napping instead of coming to the water......determined to have a good time we adapt and overcome.

Upon May digging up some sand to make a sand castle, she digs up some moisture in the sand below......the sweat bees descend on us like mad. I mean they are no where else. so we move a little bit and they continue to plague us. Cole is getting cranky now.

While we are eating some lunch and swatting sweat bees I declare that this is the most miserable beach ever.....

A- This is the most miserable beach ever! All in favor of leaving Fried Chicken Beach say "I."

M, CB, & S - "I"

A- Let's roll then people, I am over this, you can finish your lunch in the car.

M- I swear this makes the lake at our house look like a freaking water park. Can we go to the lake when we get home?

Mistake #3

A- Absolutely, yes, we can stay there all night if you want.

When we get home CB is zonked out, and it is beginning to rain.

We never get to the lake. I felt so bad for them. I felt like a failure at being the fun parent. I was so disappointed for them. I guess Tellico Beach is a beach reserved for their memories with their grandparents.........

.............while I get stuck with the memories of Fried Chicken Beach.......eeeesh