Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Does A + B really = C? So say I, NO!!..............

aahhhh, yes, there is the age old question of love.......

My 85 year old grandmother(Momma-Bet) brought her 93 year old boyfriend with her to my house this Christmas, we call him Papa Bill. They have been together now about 11 years maybe a little more, I can't quite remember.

I always think when I am that age, God willing, I am surely going to be so done trying to learn someone else's ways. All the time I hear of older folks dating these days.

Its funny cause I always say if D were to leave me or were to pass before me I would never remarry cause marriage is a lot of work. D always says he would surely remarry cause he needs someone to take care of his kids.....uuuuuuhh good luck wife hunting with that buddy, cause you don't have 1 kid, but 4. :oD

Once while we were tubing down this creek called Deep Creek in North Carolina. This gal was flirting with D and so forth. I was all from the creek bank, "Hey lady! He's cute and all but he drives a big fat minivan with 4 kids in it under the age of 9, float on yer tube a while on that!!!" I didn't really see her after that.

I love being married cause there is total security in being married. You always have your best friend at your fingertips. That person is almost always accessible to you, that person gets your inner workings even if they don't always understand you or agree with you. Your spouse is a constant when you lay your head on your pillow at night. At the end of a hard day or a great day that person is there to know it and share it with you. Cause mostly nobody else really cares about the things you care about. When they are in your face, they care with you, but when they walk away....out of sight, out of mind. That is usually not the case with your spouse.

Well, if you are both on the same page anyway.

Marriage is hard though because you have two totally separate people with their own ways that are constantly changing as they grow older and wiser (or so we think) trying to function as one in unity. are completely separate beings from women and we are not created equal.

Try to get over yourself for a second if you think you are equal to a man, cause you aren't, or you would be a man, and you aren''re a woman.

Equal to me means the same in every way. 2+2 = 4= 3+1 and so forth...4 is 4 and will always be 4.

Man is man and woman is woman, each created with differences that should be celebrated for what they are and not equality. It's not that I think women can't be engineers and whatever with all that job crap, I mean as human beings.

At the very core of who we are, a man and a woman, trying to come together and function as one. Different yet trying to be the same in unity. It's a hard job. Folks don't really tell young people how hard they are going to have to work when they are getting married usually, and even if they do young people don't really listen....cause they are in love with being in love and can't hear the real stuff. You know, about the riding the perfect wave moments along with the barely treading water and trying to gasp for breath while waiting for the perfect wave again.

I whole heartily believe marriage is a good and God blessed thing in human life. But equal we are not, in a marriage, there is the giver and the taker and they switch roles regularly. When you are the giver you are the bend and remake yourself for the other person.

It is non negotiable.

WHAT?! Who said that?!

I'm serious, if one person is not the bender and re-maker, there is no compromise and there is no unity and harmony. It's the truth. I am just saying it out loud that's all.

Sometimes I am the one who remakes myself to fit the other and sometimes I am the one who will not bend and D has to take the role of compromise and make adjustments. Which brings me to my point. People now are, generally speaking, so hung up on the my goals, my well being, my wants & needs in a relationship that they are not willing to bend and they check out of the marriage.

To me that's lazy and lame. Here is the other thing, some folks know it's lazy and lame to check out, but they don't care cause the "me factor" is to strong.

Being married & raising children are the hardest responsibilities I have ever had. They are the responsibilities though, that my very life depends on. Everything about me has to do with those connections.

Constantly on my mind these days in thinking on who I am, what I hope to accomplish in my life, what thumb print will be left behind when I pass - positive or that the whole of myself revolves around others.

The struggle to do what I want has completely disappeared until I really don't even know what I want or even like anymore.....

WHAT??!! Amy, that sounds awful!

Here is a truth, almost all women I speak to these days, feels the exact same way at one time or another.

If you are a man reading that you are saying...."Okay, next.......crazy hormonal woman issue, whatever, next."...... enter thoughts I am done reading this, I'm bored now, blog on something funny....

If you are woman reading that, you might be saying..."I know EXACTLY what you are saying, yes, I get that, but if my husband asks me about this I will say no, I won't exactly tell the whole truth."

Enter the differences between man and woman.......things hugely important to us seem like a speed bump to men. I don't fault men for that. They are different from us.

I have been reading these books about understanding men, cause I need some help apparently.
I believe I know D pretty dang well. But in an effort to stay connected to him while raising our kids I just felt the need to pursue something more in the context of understanding. I feel the "my wants and my needs" syndrome dragging me along the path of "I don't care anymore," cause life just gets so full.

So in curiosity I jumped in and these are the main things I came to know as truths from the books I purchased...

1. He needs to be respected
2. He needs to be needed
3. He needs to be fulfilled

.......not in this order obviously

vs truths about women...

1. Affection.......affection, means showing love, not showing sex
2. need open, honest communication
3. Commitment to family

In my quest for understanding, I found I understood things pretty well, but needed to make some adjustments on things I am uncomfortable with making.....and therefore have not made those adjustments.........yet.......eeeesh.

I found that men believe themselves to understand things pretty well, but they completely miss the boat in understanding female inner workings & generally men don't want to read a book to know about it or hear about it from a woman. They are not as willing to make adjustments in general and believe that if a woman A's (you know, wink, wink) then BCDEFGHIJKLMNOP will fall properly into place for the whole universe and peace for all nations, world without end Amen.

This is where they miss the boat in my opinion. Though women understand men are visual very well, they do not understand we are not....we generally tend to be acts driven. The way we feel attracted to them is when they show us they care by way of actions.

The action needed by a specific woman is unique to that woman. A man would need to see what actions make their wife tick and hop on that band wagon a while. When the wife sees he cares about what is important to her without her nagging, she in turn feels love and attraction to her mate, because he is showing he cares about what is important to her. She is less tired and the brain switches gears a little more precisely.

These are the things I have learned thus far.

I have to go and do something constructive now, like put up Christmas stuff and take down lights outside.

I will finish this topic when I am done with the quest, God only know when.........

Please weigh in on the anonymous poll in the top right corner of the blog, so I can see if on my quest my boat is floating or sinking.


Anonymous said...

Now what acts do I need to be doing these days?


The Rare Amylesaurus said...

(insert evil villain laugh) This my steadfast friend you shall see (evil laugh again) ;oD

Linear Heritage of Women said...

Amy, I totally agree with you that men and women are not equals. I have found also that men's needs are substantially different than women's needs. It takes a very special man to understand what it is that his particular woman needs and is kind enough to provide whatever assistance he can. Growing up, I was taught that men are important and women are not - not our opinions, emotions, or feelings. But, now that I am married to a wonderful man, he understands me and has taught me that women are important and that even though he doesn't understand my feelings or emotions, he still believes they are valid and tries everything he can to help me.

Also, I do the same for him. I don't pretend to understand the "Andy" brain. But, I try very hard to provide what he needs from me - friendship, assistance, support, and allowing him to nuture an instinctuall need to provide for a family. I do not try to dominate him. Men who are dominated by women are in my opinion, unhappy.

Perhaps with more years of marriage under my belt, I hope that I will be able to provide for Andy better and make him more proud by being a patient, understanding, and loving wife. I pray to do this everyday.

The Rare Amylesaurus said...
This comment has been removed by the author.