Do these pants look too tight?.........

I have been exercising my butt off lately.  I determined myself to a years worth of healthy eating and exercise to see if I could really change myself, as a whole, by the time I am 41.  I am not "dieting" per say, cause that don't freaking work, just being  more aware of what I put into my body and at what quantity.

So for over 5 weeks now I have been exercising about 40 minutes a day.  Mostly treadmill and elliptical.  In this time I have managed to shave 16 minutes off my 2 mile run.  so I went from 40 minutes to get to 2 miles on the treadmill to 24 minutes to get to 2 miles on the treadmill.  Which sounds pretty good to me.  I should be seeing some weight come off right?

W R O N G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For 4 weeks I was exercising commited, eating properly and NOTHING!!!!!!!!!  Pull my hair out strand by strand with a pair of freaking tweezers people!!!!!!!!!!!

My pants are surely fitting much better, but that flippin scale in my bathroom is SATAN.

My sister told me that I shouldn't count on the scale to show that I am growing more fit, to be patient, that if my clothes were fitting better something was happening......I should focus on that.  She also said that I needed to add some sort of weight resistance to my routine.  That would help burn calories.

So I did.

Last Friday, not yesterday but the one before it, I lamented to Derrick that when I got on the scale that morning....if it didn't show I had lost some weight I was was going to pick it up and throw it into the front yard and if he brought it back into the house I would kill him with it.

So I stood on the scale.....it read 195.  I was some what satisfied.  I know most of you are like WHAT?  She was happy with that number???  She needs to lose some weight!  Well, duh.  

But let me tell you this, when a fat girl commits to exercise and eating seriously healthy and really tries hard for 4 weeks and doesn't shed a single dag gone pound and some days even gains 4 pounds from breakfast to lunch (and Maysie is my witness on this) that is discouraging as shizzle.  I mean  I felt like I lost 28 hours of my life in vain.  I don't want to be a muscular & fit 200 pound girl.  I want to be a reasonable weight fit girl.

So I saw the 195 number, this meant the scale had moved down 5 pounds.

D- Well....what does it say?

A- 195...

D- (breathing sigh of relief for me, cause he knows my temper these days is not controlled easily) Oh thank God....

....but this was the day I gained 4 pounds by lunch and ate the exact same thing D ate for breakfast that was a "healthy breakfast."

I tried not to think of though.  I kept on with the idiot treadmill and adding the idiot weights to my routine.  

This morning when I weighed, I weighed 193.  I think it is surely the weights that is helping.  So that was really good advice my sister gave me.......for my body anyway.

I have gotten to the point that the exercise is becoming something I feel like I need to do everyday...not want to do everyday, but need.....and if  I don't, I feel like I have cheated myself.  Who said that? 

 In what parallel universe would I have ever spoke those words.  Cause forever it seemed to me that while I was wasting time on a treadmill things weren't getting done in my house somewhere else.

Yesterday Zac had soccer practice and I decided to go a little early and try to "jog" around the track.  I wanted to go before everyone else got there so if I looked like an elephant being stung in the butt while skinning a tight rope no one would see it but me and Z.  Z is the best encourager for me.  He constantly pushes me telling me at least I am trying. He doesn't want me to be unhealthy, over weight and die an early death because I didn't at least try.  

I said to him, "Do these exercise pants look too tight?"

Z- Who cares they are exercise pants mom, they are supposed to be tight.

A- Yeah but, you know, your friend's parents will see me and all...

Z- So what, at least you are trying. They look fine, they look good in fact.  I don't think of you looking fat that way. You always look nice to me.

My heart felt really good.

...the very first time we went to the gym together, I was feeling nervous and intimidated and relayed this to him.

Z- Mom it's a gym, all kinds of people go to a gym.  Not just body builders. There will be old people, young people, fat people, and skinny people....you are in the middle of all of those.  Just suck it up we are going in.

Which we did and had a pretty good time.  

Back to the track.....I believed that if I could run 2 miles in 24 minutes on a treadmill I should surely be able to run a minimum of 1 mile on the track.

Um, wrong.  

Running on a surface that does not give tried to make me pee in my pants.  I walked the first lap to warm up, then ran 1 lap holding my bladder by sheer power of the mind, walked it off 1/4 of the 3rd lap & ran 3/4 of the rest of it, walked 1/2 of the 4th lap & ran 1/2 of it....then my walking buddy showed up and we walked about another mile and quit.

My mind thought running at the track was not fun at all. I don't desire to do it ever again. I will walk that track from now on.  I can't say why, but the treadmill with all its faults is so much easier to do.  My brother-in-law runs the marathons and he's in the running clubs, my sister she runs the 8 miles and she is fixin to run some big run and all....I don't know how they do it, I really don't.

I guess I will just keep on keepin on till I get somewhere that is satisfactory for me.  I still have 10 months or so to get to my one year goal and assess what has become of this commitment.

We are getting 2 truck loads of mulch today.......hopefully this will appease my need to fill a space in the day with exercise.

I don't want to wear skinny jeans.  I just want to feel satisfied when I look in the mirror, whatever weight that is.................as long as it's below 150.  I could be satisfied with 150 and fit. 

I think.

I am just not feeling your flow............

um.............I been busy.

Looks like this:

Monday - school, treadmill for two miles, shove some kind of nutrition down the throats of all my people, clogging studio, soccer field, clogging studio, home @ 10:30 P freaking M.

Tuesday - school, treadmill for two miles, shove some kind of nutrition down the throats of all my people, this is appt afternoon and errands on this side of town, or maybe some yard work, and hopefully dinner with the fam if no one knocks their teeth out  or needs stitches.

Wednesday - school, treadmill for two miles, shove some kind of nutrition down the throats of all my people, orthodontist, church

Thursday - school, shove some kind of nutrition down the throats of all my people at 5:50am, pack a cooler full of food and drinks, head for the home school co-op at the butt crack of dawn, to the gym, grocery store, home and rest for a couple hours, then to soccer field for two 1/2 hours sometimes.

Friday - school, hate on the treadmill and curse it... cause for 5 weeks I been hittin the thing and have lost a whopping TWO pounds (I know right?  Don't say push away from the table Amy...CAUSE I AM!), shove some kind of nutrition down the throats of all my people, and hope for some yard work that wasn't done Tuesday to get done, then dinner with the fam if no one knocks their teeth out or needs stitches.

Saturday - treadmill for two miles, D shoves a real nutritious breakfast down all of our throats(this morning - amazing Belgian waffles with bananas on top for me with a tad of syrup for taste and turkey bacon...even dairy free ones for Sky), soccer and the to the gym.

Sunday - sheer chaos getting ready for church, church, cook, clean it up, decompress for the rest of the day .....cause guess what?  Monday always is the next day, it never fails.

Not that any of this is relevant to anyone butt me...but I can remember when one of my best girlfriends, Cindi & I swore we would NEVER be on this type of schedule.  Both her schedule and mine are so crowded now with our children getting older and into activities that we NEVER see one another.  This is such a loss to me.  It feels like one of my arms is missing or something.  Like I am always looking for something and never find it.

This is something I HATE......when I catch myself saying, "I'm sorry we haven't _______(fill in the blank) but, we've just been so busy."

This says to me......I am busy and I don't have time for you.


While it may be true that we are busy and I completely understand when folks say it to me, it's just not how I want to be.  

I bumped into Sarah at the community center the other night signing CB up for soccer (I am surely a dang glutton for punishment) and D to coach his team.....cause CB said he would play and D did not have to be coerced into coaching, cause he actually enjoyed it last year much to his surprise.

Okay...I bumped into Sarah, who is my next door neighbor and also one of my best girlfriends ......I hadn't spent any time with her in weeks.....so strange to casually pass each other and cram small talk and important talk into 15 to 20 minutes of go time.

I also ran into another neighbor at the community center. He tried to get me to sign up for a learn about the constitution class that lasts all day on a Saturday. He told me that he would just come by my house on Friday and tell me all about his business at the community center.  When I explained to him I was busy on Friday, he pressed he would come Saturday....

Sorry, busy.

Sunday then.....church....

Okay then Monday....um, how about NO!

Sorry busy all day.....which is the truth.  He seemed to be kinda put off that I didn't jump on this opportunity.

In my mind I'm all, Dude, I am here to sign up for soccer, I don't really care about your class, I am super sure you are a well meaning, cool fellow, but I am just not feeling your flow, you know what I mean.


I'm not speaking for Sarah, but I am kinda....I don't think she was feeling his flow 100% either.  We were both exhausted for different reasons and trying to cram a months worth of missed conversation into 15 minutes of paper work and walking to the car.

Besides, May took a constitution class ALL DANG YEAR last year and I do not want to sit through another constitution class on a Saturday.....at least not until Obama isn't president anymore.....

.....whatever, don't be a hater Obama lovers.

Sooooooo......at one time Cindi & I had decided to move to the compound and just combine our families and divide up chores, cooking,  and schooling....she was going to be to light blue dress family and I the beige dress family....I have another friend who wants to move to the compound with us I told her she would have to be the lavender dress family cause blue was already taken.

On the compound, all the outside stuff that contaminates and takes up all our time is a mute point.  I can have my own chickens and some goats like other good little home school families.  I won't have to pay ridiculous amounts for gas every week cause I don't have to go anywhere.  We can all just get on our compound bus and drive together....well I don't know.... that would be to many kids at the grocery store, that's a not desirable thought. They would have to stay home and knit or something.....let me shake that thought off.

 There is much to said for the simple life.

 In fact when we have our community yard sale, I'm going to go nuts getting rid of every dang thing in my house that I have to dust or keep track of.  What I don't sell I am thinking of just putting a free sign on it and letting the scavengers have at it......I swear.

Okay, gotta go, the clock is chasing me around the house reminding me that he comes first....and now D has fixed the kids lunch and he fixed Sky the most delicious smelling dairy free pizza.  He's awesome, I love him so much.

I so gotta tell you about May's research paper for biology. She did it on Genetically Modified Foods, it has me completely wigged out.  You know how I was all on "the government is trying to kill us" conspiracy thing?  This paper didn't help that runaway train.

an egg- laying sea turtle & was hit by a gas-guzzling S.U.V........

Dear Blog,

The other day I saw a bumper sticker that said, "Nuke a Gay Whales for Jesus"

Which goes right along with the Bizarro cartoon in the paper..." A quadruple environmental tragedy today here, Brian, as a whale, tangled in a tune net full of dolphins, beached itself on top of an egg- laying sea turtle & was hit by a gas-guzzling S.U.V."

Then there was this article I read in Parade some time ago that told me....

...it was time for back to school when, for many families, the ABC's meet ADHD...according to the CDC 4.5 million children have been diagnosed, but "experts" don't know what causes it. New research points to pesticides particularly organophosphate- a man made toxin originally developed for chemical warfare and now used extensively in agriculture.  Scientists in the journal Environmental Health Perspectives write that children exposed to this in the womb have a higher chance of developing attention problems by age 5.


the article goes on and on and then states that possibly one million children are misdiagnosed. That some children just may be inattentive or behave poorly  because they are 5....


but to be better safe than sorry always wash your fruit and vegetables first.......


..... and take your child's age into consideration before getting an evaluation........um really?  This tid bit of info goes right along with do not put your hands flatly on an eye of the stove if it is cherry red, you may burn your freaking skin off moron.

At the risk of sounding completely judgmental and governmental conspiracy driven......this is my take on some things that make me want to poke my own eyeballs out or give someone a paper cut on purpose.

If your child spends most of his/her time in the house, on the computer, playing hand held games and watching TV and eating crap food and he/ she is getting on your nerves....that child does not have ADD or ADHD.

That child has PDD, Parental Disengagement Disorder.    Some parents need to get off their butts and cut the flipping TV off, get off the internet, and parent their children properly.

Do I believe some children respond better when taking medication?  Absolutely.

 Some kids need it and they need their parents to administer it to them properly...they need to freaking give the kid the medication themselves, make sure the kid freaking swallows it, and makes sure it given every day at the same dag gone time....I know a  kid in 3rd grade, whose parent tells him to take his medication which, he says he does, then he spits it out, his mother does not make him take it regularly nor does she refill his scripts when he's out.  That kind of parenting should be a dang crime.  She is doing her child a severe injustice in life.....and it affects all the children and adults this child comes in contact with....all day long.

On the medication as prescribed, the child is a different child altogether.

Some of the kids though,  are just drugged up and therefore more quiet and sedentary...and more pleasing to the parent who wants to do what the heck they want to do with minimal parenting.

How is it that 4.5 million children come to be diagnosed with ADHD??  It is absurd.

In the extreme sarcastic corners of my mind I see a woman with a colic baby and the doc's saying, "Here, just put some Ritalin in the bottle, this child has ADHD. Better yet, you take the medication yourself and then breast feed, it's more naturally administered that way and won't damage his self esteem  as he becomes an adult."

I swear some mornings while we are trying to school I vow with my hands raised to the ceiling, to put Cole on the yellow bus and never homeschool him...cause he gets on my nerves some days.  He behaves disorderly, disruptive, inattentive, and certainly hyper.......why?

Because I am schooling the other three, and he wants me to sit in the floor and play cars, read to him, color  with him, watch a movie with him, he wants Zac to wrestle with him, or Maysie to shoot video's with him....does he have ADHD?  No!  I could totally take him to the doctor explain his behavior and I swear I believe I could acquire medication.  However, the minute one of us switches our time to him to engage, the behavior immediately changes.

I don't mean we watch a movie with him or something surely quiet...I mean engage in an activity. It may be playing cars, walking the dog, putting up laundry together or making beds together...his behavior changes instantly.

I do believe they put entirely to much crap in our food.  God did not make our food to have a longer lasting shelf life or more nutrients and vitamins than He put into them Himself, certain small chickens aren't supposed  to be unnaturally plump for our consumption.

For sure some children are reacting to be over chemical-ed.....and certainly any one of  my children could be one of them. I mean for pete's sake we deal with OCD issues constantly in two children, two children have digestion issues & even I have been have had some issues with food lately & stomach pains, two of the children could be considered "hyper" by some......I mean pick a child, any child, any where....allergies galore these days,  environmental and FOOD allergies more now than ever! Autism, through the roof.  Cancer, through the roof. Alzheimers......Why???

Cause in the name of the almighty dollar our food is genetically modified and chemical-ed, if that is even a word.

I hate to sound manic, but gee wiz folks, I need some people to give me a break from being inundated with politically correct bullcrap. I am bored with that and unaffected.

I need some parents to quit excusing their children with ADHD and dag gone do some parenting that includes showing respect and discipline.

I need to be detoxed from all the chemicals.

I need some Midol & Lindor chocolate truffles probably too.



.

crickets marinated in camel spit on a stick or something...........

One afternoon while I was having problems with the perpetual hemorrhoid(that I am now over thank you) I had decided to take a bath. I had found my jar of TOA(Tired Old Donkey) hiding in my cabinet. TOA is mostly epsom salt. This excited me more than it should have.

I poured almost the whole jar into the tub and put the water on entirely too hot. I know the water was too hot because the parts of my skin that were submerged in the tub water were a sun burned red color. The parts of my skin that were outside of the water were a tannish brown.

Relaxing……….relaxing………………….relaxing…………………

!!!!!!!BUST THE DOOR OPEN!!!!!!

S- (with her Diary of a Wimpy Kid book) HEY MOM! Will you help me fill this book out please?

A- No

S- Mom, please…

A- No I am soaking my butt. Lock the door please.

!!!!!!!!!!BUST THE DOOR OPEN!!!!!!!!!!

CB- Mom can I get in?

A- No CB! I am burning my skin off…on purpose. Look at my legs. You see how red they are? You don’t want to burn your legs off do you???

CB- Mom…you can just put some cold water in, then I can get in with you. Besides I already heard you tell Sky you were soaking your butt off not your legs. (I wish it were really that easy to rid myself of excess buttocks.)

Cole is rolling his Hot Wheels up and down the side of the tub making this horrible, unpleasant, not relaxing noise.

S- So. What is the worst thing I ever ate?

At Easter, instead of an Easter Egg Hunt I do a scavenger hunt. Sort of a like The Amazing Race on TV with “Detours” (where the 4 siblings have to complete a challenge together before they can get the next clue) and “Road Blocks” (where they select one of the 4 siblings to complete a challenging task before they can receive the next clue).

I will try to blog on this stuff later…. if I can remember.

What is The Amazing Race without an eat something yucky food challenge?

Before Sky was really old enough to do the hunt fully, Zac had to eat 2 pieces of Kibbles and Bits dog food. I can feel you thinking, why would a parent ask their child to do this awful deed…..but hey, they don’t go to school where kids can subject them to this kind of atmosphere. Somebody has to complete the daunting task of making them "normal.".....after all, this goes under the category of "it tastes like chicken," right?


I mean for real, once this kid told me tree bark tasted like chicken. So I took a rock and scraped some tree bark off of an idiot tree and ate the flippin stuff. I really believed the dang tree tasted like freaking chicken. I liked it so much sometimes I still eat it.......fried......just kiddin.


...side tracked, sorry.

Sky is an eating machine. She loves all food… meat, veggies, tuna, sushi…if I eat it, she will too. She adores eating all creatures great and small from the sea, unlike me in this way(cause you know I like to eat tree bark....just kiddin, sidetracked, sorry).

Two years ago the food challenge was eating a ¼ of a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich.
(I actually like to eat this sandwich about once a year.)

May and Zac totally bugged out of the challenge and refused to eat the sandwich. I mean it was ¼ for petes sake. It wasn’t even like I asked them to eat crickets marinated in camel spit on a stick or something(or tree bark).


.....so they zoned in on “Mikey.”

Sky said she would not eat it either. I told them that the game was finished then. They would not get the next clue until the challenge was completed. Now…most parents would have given in and gave them the next clue, but I swear I’m just hard that way. This way when I need them to know I will stick to my word, good or bad…they know it’s true.

The beauty of this too is... they all want their perspective prizes. The clues have been set. They can’t get to one without the other. So it was over……no prizes. Life is like that you know. You don’t always get what you want without some sacrifice. People don’t cave in and give you what you want without getting something in return all the dang time.

Somebody had to eat ¼ of the peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich.

Sky did it.

Maysie and Zac worshipped her for a full day. Whatever she wanted that day, they gave her…..because they were grateful that they didn’t have to eat the sandwich.

..........Back to the bathroom taking my bath……

S- So. What is the worst thing I ever ate?

A- Well, let’s see...........Think back to Easter a couple years ago….what did I make you eat that was really gross?

Then she says….

S- I don’t know, Mom. You’ve cooked lots of gross food before.

A- Sky, get out of this bathroom with that retarded book right now.

CB- Mom? When yer done soaking your butt off will you play UNO with me?

Is there really no rest for the weary....ever?

If Tim & Joe are at the mall, how old is Betty?.............

Oh gosh yesterday I had a day where my mind would not work. Like I was helping May with her Algebra and suddenly I just couldn't do it.

So I looked at the answer and tried to work the thing backwards. I could not do it. The problem was by far not the hardest problem we have ever done. It was an age problem that should have been fairly easy once we plugged the numbers in the right spots.

COULD NOT DO IT

I am like why can't I get this freakin answer right?? May was completely frustrated with me, then Zac interrupted with another easy question from his math. By this time my brain was completely and utterly fried and I couldn't even do Zac's math. It was like he was speaking French to me or something and I just couldn't hear him right or understand what he was asking me. Zac got frustrated with me.

I'm all, "LOOK!! I can only do one math problem at a time and right now I can't even do one. EVERYBODY go to your rooms and do a different subject while I figure this idiot problem out before I just die twice and grow a dang beard or something!"

That's what they did. I sat at the kitchen table well past lunch trying to figure out what the heck I was missing. It just was not that complicated of a problem. I called D at work to just get him to do it, didn't answer his phone. So I called my girlfriend Ms. SWAT so she could just give me the answer, she didn't answer. However, her 16 or 17 year old kid that has already graduated from high school and is now in college answered the phone.

A- Look, I need you to give me the answer to this math problem. Can you do this for me without judging me.

.... cricket, cricket.....no answer on the other end

A- Does this mean yer going to judge me?

Ms. SWAT's son - I don't know yet.

So I give him the problem he comes up with the same answer May and I have gotten. I felt validated. Then he takes a pause while I read it to him again and he spouts off the answer with no problem.

I get him to explain it to me like I am a kindergärtner.

Everything in my universe suddenly lines up properly....furry bunnies start hopping across the bedroom floor and rainbows color themselves across my ceiling...pink hearts & glittering stars rain down around me while all the angels in heaven sing.

I end our conversation with gratitude and adoring love that he absolutely would not take from me in person.

I put aside my parental shame and general lameness at not being able to do the idiot math problem. Since my mind has clicked back on "Go" mode, I quickly call Zac down to explain his math problem to him. His universe lines up properly & he celebrates by declaring he is done for the day and popping a bag of Doritos open.

We are all pretty delirious. My house looks like a bomb went off in it.

Mays says to Zac - Who thinks these math problems up anyway?? I mean they are like:

• If Tim & Joe are at the mall, how old is Betty?.........45

• The lake is 400 square miles. Four Tuesday's ago they drained it, next year it will be 6 times the size it is today? How many trees are in the forest?..........3

• Two years ago Betty planted a tree but before she finished planting the tree, she buried her train set underneath it. When she digs the train up in 40 years how fast will the wheels move?.........35mph

• If the cookie jar holds 37 cookies and Jack is 37 years old, how much lemonade did his mother make?

Z- NETFLIX! It's free!

.......we all start laughing, we are truly done with school for the day.

...............................................

I was fixing May a microwavable noodle dish of some sort for lunch last week.

Obviously the meal is hot when it comes out of the microwave.

I put it on the counter top "to sit for 2 minutes."

I peeled back the clear packaging to let it vent a bit and stir it a little.

One cheesy noodle came out and landed half on the counter top and half on the meal container.

I thought I would flip the hot noodle back into the dish. The blasted noodle stuck to my finger and was burning my fingertips off. So I slung in a panic downward motion to get it off.

The flippin scalding cheese defied my panic and went in the upward position onto MY FACE....... AND BURNED MY FACE! Can you believe that?

Dig on this now, one little dot of cheese hit the one mole or beauty mark, which I prefer, under my nose....... AND BURNED A HOLE IN MY "BEAUTY MARK!"

If you have ever scratched a mole or done something that causes a mole harm, you know they bleed horrible and take forever to heal. It looks like a big zit under my nose.

I didn't get the mole on this pic but who cares.

I mean for real....I do have the flippin "cheese touch."

*

Do you want some of my whoop, whoop?.......

D got a facebook. He is addicted to it, though he claims he is not. He was conflicted about what exactly it meant to add "friends" to your list. We had this long overdrawn out discussion about "friends." Then like, one of his first status updates was some business about about how I said his "friends" weren't his "real friends" and can he get a "whoop, whoop" if you are his friend and fa lala lala la la la la.

I am like, slow yer roll dude, that is not what I said at all. But as is common practice I gave him a mulligan and let him have his FB fun. Cause you know how it is when you first get on FB...it's a time eating machine that you think about incessantly.

Well of course all of his friends are going to "whoop, whoop" him, for crying out loud. No amount of explaining I do is going to take back that inaccurate status update.

So all day long his phone is dinging to show someone else has given him a whoop, whoop. He appended a certain high pitched voice to the whoop whoop as the day progressed. By the end of this particular day D has a whoop whoop dance to go with it.

He is feeling very FB encouraged and asks me if I would like to have some of his whoop whoop.

I am like, "I don't know man, if it's anything like yer couscous I need to think about it."

....he is still getting whoop whoops and he still does the dance, even after nearly two weeks.

.........................................................

A- Cole what would like for dinner?

CB- uuuuummm......I think I would like to have some chips with some tater tots. (he's serious)

A- uuuuummmm.....Let me see......hoooooww about, no. Try again.

..............................................................................

We had this awful bout with chiggers a couple weeks ago. They were awful. Zac, May, and I all had bites all over our legs. They were rampant at the soccer fields apparently and lots of folks I had spoken with had bites on their legs also. I was Google-ing endlessly one day to find a source of termination for the incessant itching on our legs......fingernail polish worked great for us.

A link for Urban Dictionary came up. It read something to the effect of

Chiggers - Chegroes -

Politically-correct name for biting insects; ie chiggers.

This caused me to snicker a little, but not too much cause I didn't want to get honkey guilt.....

Warning: Urban dictionary can be mind contaminate, but some of the new phrases and meanings, are pretty witty.

........................................................................

I took Cole to the Kroger Deli so as not to feed his addiction to the sight of Golden Arches.

I swear if you take a child to McD's one time it is a permanent life addiction until they reach 40.

When it suddenly catches up with them and then they have to take a probiotic and some Colonix to regain some sense well being and decontamination.

Anyhoo....

CB- I don't want to eat at the Deli

A- I don't care CB. There is no way I am going in McD's today, the smell makes me gag.

CB - You can just hold yer nose Momma, that's what I do when it stinks.

A- No, CB ...you'll like this stuff I promise. Little, tiny chicken legs and green beans, it'll be good trust me.

CB does love the 5 little chicken legs he has picked out and the beans. He is smacking his lips in the back seat on the way home.

CB- mmm......mmmmmmm.......mmm...Mom I love these chickens. I am gonna save these two for Skylar and Zac.

A- Sky can't eat those Babe, go ahead and eat them. I will buy Zac some legs later okay?

CB- Mom what's this stuff say on the top? (he's holding the lid up pointing to the ingredients list)

A- That's the ingredients. It tells what they make the chicken flavoring from.

CB - Well.......I love these ingredients.

...........................................................................

no....just chill out............

We made it to the mountain house after an extremely looooooonnnnnng drive over the mountain.  This dude from another state, but not Florida or Texas was driving like 15 mph.  I am not exaggerating.  He might have went 20 mph at some point but I just can't be sure.  There were about 120 places he could have pulled off and let the cars stacked up behind him go by...but he just chose not too.

At first we were all... so what if it takes a while we are alone and together and in no hurry.  Then after about 20 minutes we were like is this guy for real?  Who puts their brakes on going up a mountain at a speed one could walk faster?  Derrick is generally honk yer horn happy. He told me he was going to start honking his horn at every pull off and maybe the guy would get a hint and pull over.  We now had 16 cars stacked up behind us(I counted).  We were #2 behind some Floridians who were growing impatient also and had started to totally ride the dudes bumper.


D commences the horn honking on three different pull offs and by now I am all for it.  I'm ready to scratch my face off thinking I may grow a beard and die before we get to Bryson City.  The guy does not pull off.

We go through a tunnel and as a tradition we always honk the horn in long dark tunnels....so we honk some more for fun now cause he is obviously not going to pull off.  EVERY car behind us lays on the horn as they go through the tunnel.  D and I snicker to each other cause we know everyone is getting delirious.  They don't just "toot toot", they

toooot toooooot toot toot toooooooooot 


...it's stress relief.

It has been some tiiiiiiiiiiimmmme now for real. I think folks had settled into never getting to their destinations.....except for the Florida peeps who were almost about to ride connected to the back seat belts in the slow dudes car....when he suddenly decides to pull off ....at a pull off like he's freaking supposed to do instead of back up traffic.

• I roll my window down.
• Florida stomps their gas and takes off, we don't ever see them again.
• I hang my head out of the truck and make the raise the roof dance motion and holler as loud as I can accessing my inner redneck, "Wooooooooooo, yeah!  Way to go dude, Alllllriiiiight!!!!"

In that order.

As I pass I see a balding late 20 something male looking out his rolled down car window smiling at all the passing cars.  I swear, I swear.... he is looking proud of himself, like he has really done a good deed  for all man kind....and believe me he has in a way.

He appears to be amazed at all of the cars he has backed up by this time.

My heart thinks I have truly seen a real live moron. In fact I think my mouth may have said it out loud and D's concurred with it.

...so we get to the house, unload a few groceries, unpack, put sheets on the bed and chill out a bit before dinner on the deck... reading the paper and so forth.

I get caught up in my Pillars of the Earth book and D begins to cook dinner.  I tell him I will come in and help as soon as I get to a stopping point. D says to me, "No, just chill out with your Nook," and I decide to do just that.

Soon it's getting dark and I can't see on my Nook as well as I had been able to about 45 minutes to an hour ago and I am smelling garlic galore....

D- Come eat!

This is what I see when I go inside. 

Menu

• fresh basil linguine & shrimp with a fresh, garlic, parsley, basil, and Parmesan cheese sauce
• Ciabatta bread with Benissimmo dipping olive oil
• Spring Salad with balalmic vinegarette dressing(my favorite)
• Smoking Loon Merlot(another favorite)
• For dessert he made a NUTELLA Mousse  the night before we left so it'd be ready for dinner on this night.

Everything was delicious tasting.  I couldn't have had a better meal in a restaurant.

  All was super quiet.
      We didn't eat fast purposefully.
            It was my dream dinner.
                 I felt really special and loved.

He took care to make things he knew I would go nuts over.  I am so glad we ate at the mountain house instead of going out.  This was definitely a night that will rank high in my memory files cause literally everything was perfect.

When we were cleaning up the dishes I found this.

Which I thought was sort of funny.

A- So what did you do? Google romantic dinner for two?

D- Yes.  You aren't supposed to be looking at my cheat sheets...give me those(yanks them from me and puts them away).

I was secretly glad he had cheat sheets cause it told me he took the time to care about what were going to do on this rare occasion we had alone more than 2 hours.  I believed it to be thoughtful and I liked it a lot.

After dishes we gabbed some more on the back deck about the book he was reading, then about the book I was reading, then about how people write such clever books, then about this and that and on and on and on....

.....not once were D and I interrupted by a wee little voice that said we needed to wipe a butt or break up a squabble.  I missed my kids....

......but just not that much at that moment.    ;o)



....cause.....I knew Nana was wiping butts.   :oD

Let's face it, it wouldn't be my first............

Yesterday Ms. P invited me and my tribe to go to the Farmers Market in Knoxvegas with her and her tribe.

I accepted.

I had a ball.

In my mind I pictured the farmers market in Santa Fe. I immediately started to drool over the possible purchase of honey sticks. I felt excited about hippies with guitars and homemade pitchouli soap. When I told May we were going to the farmers market she was all, "BLUEBERRY HONEY STICKS!!! ShaZAM!"

I'm like, "I know, right?!"

The farmers market didn't turn out to be that much really. But I did purchase some awesome blackberries that didn't even come close to making it home. Between her 4 and my 4, the blackberries didn't stand a chance. I got some outstanding raspberries, that I have not been able to keep my hands off of. I got some green beans & okra too.

I didn't have to pay for parking at the meter either. My meter wasn't working properly after I fed it not enough dimes and nickels and Ms. P fed it another quarter, so I resigned myself to getting another ticket. Let's face it, it wouldn't be my first. After all, I consider myself to be a professional ticket payer. I probably own that meter anyway.

.......but to be on the safe side....I told on myself to this ticket writing officer on a bicycle and this other cop in a car that were chatting with some other long haired dude. Ms. P and I descended upon them three with all our kids defending the silver bullet before we even stated our case.

Cop(kidding us)- So you want me to believe you two fed the meter? I'm supposed to have some pity on you?.....

A- Yes, absolutely look at all these kids. You can clearly see we are outnumbered severely? Absolutely, show us some mercy man, please......

The smiling cop relays to us if the meters aren't working it's on them and we'll get not ticket. So I underpaid to begin with probably and then got a free ride. I was pretty dang happy about that.

Ms. P- Well that's not fair, I had to pay, I gave you my last quarter.

A - I know, but I'm not gonna get a ticket! I totally owe you a quarter.

When I got change I gave her two or three of my quarters then I took one back cause I needed change for something. Thank goodness the next place we went we didn't have to pay for parking. Cause I didn't have anymore quarters and I don't think she did either.

After we shopped at the market a bit we stopped and had our picnic lunches in the shaded area of the park. We all gabbed about nonsense without any effort. It was wonderful.

After lunch we headed over to the Worlds Fair Park to play in the big fountains. They really were a treat out of our everyday norm. All of my kids had a ball and were tired on the ride home. We had to cut the afternoon short when thunder clouds started to build up and behave disorderly.

Here's what was so fun about the day to me. The market and fountains are something I have never done in Knoxvegas before. I was able to do them with a family that I am completely comfortable with. I never feel the need to curtail my personality cause Ms. P doesn't seem to mind my family is louder than hers. We hadn't spent any real time with them as group in a long time.

It was great to not feel like I had to squeeze 3 hours worth of conversation in a kid exchange in the Rite-Aid parking lot in the rain.

I love days when it requires little to no effort to make it all happen. This day could've been completely whacked.

I started off a little over an hour behind unknown to me. The clock I was counting on hadn't been reset from the power outage the day before. May got up and had asked me why I hadn't gotten her up, "Are we going?"

I suddenly realized we should be leaving the house right that very minute. It was like someone hit the bees nest and bees went flying about. I originally thought this day is gonna be a bust. Why can't anything be easy?

Then suddenly............it was.

Jesus likes children that slobber on themselves in their sleep........

CB walks in the living room with only his Cars underwear on.

He has a Staples, red "easy" button. When one presses the button it says, "That was easy."

CB walks in the living room with only his Cars underwear on. He has the "easy" button on his left breast area.

CB - Hey Dad, press my talking boob.

Dad presses......."That was easy"

D - Yeah, I heard that on one of my first dates.

...................................................................

Last week I cooked dinner 3 nights in a row.

My kids gave me a standing ovation on the third night.

I felt good about that.

....................................................................

May discussing with Z regarding Z going to the beach, Z going to camp, Z going here, Z going there and so on and so forth.....

Z to May - May you could've went to the beach and to camp and you chose not to, so whatever dork.

M to Z in a geeky voice- Yeah well, I'm going to Camp Stay At Home, where we learn how to be Homies. (with her hands posed all gangsta)

I laughed.

..................................................................

Cole is helping me make garlic toast for Sky to eat with dinner cause we are all eating Texas Toast. He is using a basting brush to "paint" on melted dairy free butter and garlic powder.

CB - Hey Sky, guess what?! I made you a surprise! I made you dairy free toast with a paint brush!.....and guess what??!! There aren't any hairs on it!!

.................................................................

I am trying to get CB down for a nap after swimming at the lake for 3 hours after church.

He isn't having it. Tantrum and rebellion.

I pick him up like a sack of potatoes under my arm and carry him kicking and screaming to his room. He is hollering, "Jesus doesn't like it for you to put me in a nap."

A- No. Jesus doesn't like you disrespecting Momma.

CB- No Momma. Jesus just doesn't like Momma.

I put him on his bed with a firm solid purpose, covered him up, and laid down beside him for a second to settle him down. I swear in 4 minutes flat the joker was slobbering on himself.

Jesus likes children that slobber on themselves in their sleep.

Commando, huh? Nothin like startin'em out early.........

Blogs are coming slowly these days cause I just don't have time to sit down and do them. I have them in my head and on little snip-its of paper here and there.

Here's a few quickies....

D's family has always, since I have known them, called Sherwin-Williams Paint store, "Sharon" Williams.

.......and to his mom, yogurt....has always been "yogret."

It's their thing. D sometimes will make up his own words for stores and what not, I know what he's talking about but it would be a stretch for someone else to figure a few out.

....Cole gets a "Pinocchio" in his Happy Meal from McDonald's last night (shut up Jamie Oliver. We had a soccer game in Norris that took an hour and a half to get too, and my GPS is a joke. It dropped me off the map and at my "destination" before I got there by 8 miles. I only got there by sheer blessing from God. He allowed me to see a corner of white goal netting as I was backtracking to some other fields. Sheer luck...or blessing whichever makes you feel good about my wording, you get the drift.)

Cole struggling to say "Pinocchio" calls him "Pee Yo Kin Yo."

When He gets home at 10:30 last night from the soccer game and what not, he runs in to show Dad his "Pee Yo Kin Yo."

D- OOOHH! You got a "Pin Yoke Kin O."

.....Like father, like son.

........................................................

Z pointing out that a cell tower in Knoxville is huge and he wouldn't want to jump off of that one..........Thank goodness!

CB in the back seat in a super hillbilly voice - I'ma gone clIImb all tha way up thar an see JeeeezUS.

A & Z - (fall out laughing....unexpected)

later, same car ride.......

I turned the music station cause somebody is a little drunk & he needs somebody now the singer is telling us.

Z turns the next station cause somebody needs to tell us that he is having obscene thoughts about this girl and he doesn't want to disrespect her.

I switch the to Christian station and they are static-y, switch and guess what? Someone is drunk again and they need somebody now again, same song......switch.....a few seconds pass.......

CB- Oh! I like this song, it's my favorite song. (Little Larry Lies a lot is lying cause I have never heard it before in my life & every song is his favorite song.)

Z switches it.

CB- ZAC!!!! That's my favorite song switch it back!

Z- Cole that song has cuss words in it. Your favorite song has cuss words in it.

A- You don't want to hear cuss words do you CB?

CB- I like cuss words! Turn it back ZAC!!!

Z- Cole, no, do you think Jesus would let mom contaminate your mind with cuss words? Do you want to contaminate you mind with words that are not good??

CB- I don't know Zac. I'm just a baby!

Z- (under his breath) .....you got that right.....

..........................................

This morning I am laying on my bed before I make it up. I hear Cole stomping down the hallway, so I pretend to be asleep. I am gonna scare him.

He is in my room, staring at me, quietly...walking closer, closer, right beside my bed......I am waiting to jump......

directly in my ear - MOM! YOU WANT TO SEE MY SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I jump cause !criminy!, he has scared the crap out of me, I open my eyes and dag gone if Pee Yo Kin Yo and his big long, skinny, pokey nose isn't right almost in my eyeball about to gouge my eyeball out saying in some creepy Disney voice, "I'll never become a real boy." (It's like a horror movie where I need to scream in terror and grab my face cause Chuckie or something.)

I'm about to have a dang heart attack, I have to get up and go take an aspirin. My bed still isn't made.

.............................................

Me and May going on about how cute a bra is with these turquoise satin straps and yellow and turquoise flowers and so forth.....

Z- What?! Why do I have to hear this?!

A - Well walk away......

Z- You never have to hear boys going on in the stores about how cute their underwear are. (pretending to be a boy with a girly voice) Oh, look at these Fruit of the Looms aren't they just adorable, and the elastic waist band, oh yeeees. It's wonderful....Oh look they come in black and royal highness blue......oooohh (batting his eye lashes at us, then rolling them in disgust in the same breath) I'm outta here, I'll be in the games.

M- It's not our fault they make guys underwear ugly and boring.

...............................................................

The last night of Awana. Cole was misbehaving a bit during prayer time and I went to pop his butt and grabbed a handful of butt. Apparently when I dressed the boy for church that evening I had forgotten to put underwear on him.

I pull out his britches to be sure, and all I see is bare butt. Cole smiles his buck teeth at me over his shoulder cause he hates underwear. He knows he has gotten away with something.

This dad next to me smiles big and shakes his head at me - Commando, huh? Nothin like startin'em out early.

A - "Shut it........"