....after I slept off all my evil.....

I am about to get my life put back together.  I hope.

This is an attempt to catch us all up to speed for the past month. It may take a few blogs though.

Amy- I have been doing my thing driving all over Hell and creation in auto-pilot as usual for this time of year.  Six or seven days a week we are going somewhere at some point during the day.  I just try to breathe my way through each day knowing somehow it all gets done.

I am still exercising my butt off....or should I say my butt on, cause nothing is still happening....on the scale anyway.  I have taken about 10 of the 16 Power classes that I need to take at at the gym in order to get the free t-shirt that labels me as a weight lifter...sort of, in my eyes anyway.  I am surely getting more muscles.  I can see a bulge in my arms where there has never been one before in my life.  My butt actually looks round like a butt should look, instead of just fading into my thighs.  My stomach is certainly more flat than it was and my pants are fitting much better and some are even a little big or too big.

The problem here is that my scale is sabotaging me.  So I had D hide it so that I could only weigh on Sundays.   The first Sunday I weighed 189.  D was happy for me cause I was finally in the 180's.  I wasn't, cause I knew the moment I ate a piece of ice I would gain 3 pounds.  He scolded me for not enjoying that small victory. In my mind I have been this place so many times that I truly am not in the 180's till it is a consistent number.

I was not too discouraged however.  I gave myself a year to do this right and I have been sticking to it.  I rarely cheat and I exercise 5 to 6 days a week 40 minutes or more.  So this past Sunday I was excited to weigh because I ate especially well chosen foods that week.  I knew I had pushed myself doing the exercise and I was hoping for a 187 minimum.

The scale said 190.  I became so angry inside that I thought I might grow some devil horns that would surely expel a blazing fury so hot they'd burn the roof off my house.  I controlled it though the best I could.  I left the bathroom, went to make coffee and get the kids moving.........and then the evil tidal wave of death and destruction that likes to throw stuff when I am infuriated hit me.

So I marched right back to the bathroom where D was blowing his hair dry, picked up the scale, stomped back to the front door, stepped out onto my front stoop, and I launched that scale as far as I could with my new arm muscles "that weigh more than fat."  I meant for it to bounce on the ground and bust every spring and gear inside of it.  On the first bounce as it hit the ground I felt a minuscule amount of satisfaction.  I wanted to throw it one more time but I refrained cause I knew I was going to church in a couple hours and I needed to get rid of this evil in me before I could praise the Lord properly for the good things in my life.

The kids get up.  D comes out of the bathroom to eat breakfast.

D- Where's the scale?

CB & Sky - She threw it in the front yard.

M- You threw the scale in the front yard?

CB- Yeah she did!  It went way over there see?!

D- (looking out the breakfast nook window) Nice distance.

A- I threw it into the front yard. Yes I did.  If anybody brings that scale back into this house I swear bad things will happen to you.  I don't know what they are, but don't test me.

When I left for church the idiot scale was in the front yard.  When I came home from church the idiot scale was in the front yard.  When I came home from the gym the idiot scale was not in the front yard.  I was so mentally exhausted from my emotional torture of weighing that morning, only to find all my good eating and exercise had been in vain....months and months of not eating delicious morsels of goodness, shin splints that wake me up in the middle of the night, sweating, sweating, sweating, pushing, pushing, pushing....only to still weigh 190....I took a bath and went to bed at 6:30pm and didn't get up till 7:00 am the next morning.

BUT, not BUTT, but.....BUT, during the Power class at the gym I had likened myself to this fairly big woman in the class, like we were equals in weight.  I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at the gym and I noticed that I didn't look her size at all.  I mean I was still bigger than I need to be of course, but I wasn't as big as I perceived myself to be by the number on the scale.  The scale doesn't change the fact that I can feel and see a muscle in my arm that has never been there before.  It doesn't change the fact that some of my pants are too big now, not all of them, but some of them.  Those are my small victories, that I should thank God for.

I am going to choose to dwell on those things.  So I can be thankful in all things to God for giving me endurance and patience to persevere when my flesh wants to quit, the spirit in me is still willing to keep my temple, in which Jesus resides, clean and healthy.

I am not going to weigh anymore.  My sister in Christ, Sarah, told me I should pick out a pair of pants I want to get into and use those as a gage for my success. I think that is the better way to go for me.....for my family too.

I found this note hanging out of my drawer where I keep my exercise wear in my closet the morning after I slept off my evil. ( you can click on this pic to get a better view if need be)

My heart overflowed and spilled all over the place with love for this oldest son of mine.

I CAN DO all things through Christ who strengthens me...... Philippians 4:13


*

no....just chill out............

We made it to the mountain house after an extremely looooooonnnnnng drive over the mountain.  This dude from another state, but not Florida or Texas was driving like 15 mph.  I am not exaggerating.  He might have went 20 mph at some point but I just can't be sure.  There were about 120 places he could have pulled off and let the cars stacked up behind him go by...but he just chose not too.

At first we were all... so what if it takes a while we are alone and together and in no hurry.  Then after about 20 minutes we were like is this guy for real?  Who puts their brakes on going up a mountain at a speed one could walk faster?  Derrick is generally honk yer horn happy. He told me he was going to start honking his horn at every pull off and maybe the guy would get a hint and pull over.  We now had 16 cars stacked up behind us(I counted).  We were #2 behind some Floridians who were growing impatient also and had started to totally ride the dudes bumper.


D commences the horn honking on three different pull offs and by now I am all for it.  I'm ready to scratch my face off thinking I may grow a beard and die before we get to Bryson City.  The guy does not pull off.

We go through a tunnel and as a tradition we always honk the horn in long dark tunnels....so we honk some more for fun now cause he is obviously not going to pull off.  EVERY car behind us lays on the horn as they go through the tunnel.  D and I snicker to each other cause we know everyone is getting delirious.  They don't just "toot toot", they

toooot toooooot toot toot toooooooooot 


...it's stress relief.

It has been some tiiiiiiiiiiimmmme now for real. I think folks had settled into never getting to their destinations.....except for the Florida peeps who were almost about to ride connected to the back seat belts in the slow dudes car....when he suddenly decides to pull off ....at a pull off like he's freaking supposed to do instead of back up traffic.

• I roll my window down.
• Florida stomps their gas and takes off, we don't ever see them again.
• I hang my head out of the truck and make the raise the roof dance motion and holler as loud as I can accessing my inner redneck, "Wooooooooooo, yeah!  Way to go dude, Alllllriiiiight!!!!"

In that order.

As I pass I see a balding late 20 something male looking out his rolled down car window smiling at all the passing cars.  I swear, I swear.... he is looking proud of himself, like he has really done a good deed  for all man kind....and believe me he has in a way.

He appears to be amazed at all of the cars he has backed up by this time.

My heart thinks I have truly seen a real live moron. In fact I think my mouth may have said it out loud and D's concurred with it.

...so we get to the house, unload a few groceries, unpack, put sheets on the bed and chill out a bit before dinner on the deck... reading the paper and so forth.

I get caught up in my Pillars of the Earth book and D begins to cook dinner.  I tell him I will come in and help as soon as I get to a stopping point. D says to me, "No, just chill out with your Nook," and I decide to do just that.

Soon it's getting dark and I can't see on my Nook as well as I had been able to about 45 minutes to an hour ago and I am smelling garlic galore....

D- Come eat!

This is what I see when I go inside. 

Menu

• fresh basil linguine & shrimp with a fresh, garlic, parsley, basil, and Parmesan cheese sauce
• Ciabatta bread with Benissimmo dipping olive oil
• Spring Salad with balalmic vinegarette dressing(my favorite)
• Smoking Loon Merlot(another favorite)
• For dessert he made a NUTELLA Mousse  the night before we left so it'd be ready for dinner on this night.

Everything was delicious tasting.  I couldn't have had a better meal in a restaurant.

  All was super quiet.
      We didn't eat fast purposefully.
            It was my dream dinner.
                 I felt really special and loved.

He took care to make things he knew I would go nuts over.  I am so glad we ate at the mountain house instead of going out.  This was definitely a night that will rank high in my memory files cause literally everything was perfect.

When we were cleaning up the dishes I found this.

Which I thought was sort of funny.

A- So what did you do? Google romantic dinner for two?

D- Yes.  You aren't supposed to be looking at my cheat sheets...give me those(yanks them from me and puts them away).

I was secretly glad he had cheat sheets cause it told me he took the time to care about what were going to do on this rare occasion we had alone more than 2 hours.  I believed it to be thoughtful and I liked it a lot.

After dishes we gabbed some more on the back deck about the book he was reading, then about the book I was reading, then about how people write such clever books, then about this and that and on and on and on....

.....not once were D and I interrupted by a wee little voice that said we needed to wipe a butt or break up a squabble.  I missed my kids....

......but just not that much at that moment.    ;o)



....cause.....I knew Nana was wiping butts.   :oD

when you put a platypus in someone's bed it's called a platy-prank.............

Uncle Charlie to Maysie some time ago - What did you do to your hair?

M- I got it highlighted.

UC- Yeah one time I highlighted some strands of my hair....the ones that were more important than the others.

.................................................

May to me one night before dropping them off at Awana - Are you going to fix your hair?

A- Yes.

M- Good. It looks like the curly wall of terror and doom.

....................................................

Z in the car on the way to soccer practice - Did you know that a platypus is poisonous?

A- No

Z pretending to be a geek and dorking out someone else dorkier than himself - Hey, ya know that kid over there?.....Well, he got bit by a platypus. Now he has platy-pox.

M (from the back seat somewhere)- ....and he had to take some platy-pills and rush to the platy-porcelain pony when he had to platy-poop. He had to platy-pray to the platy-pope for healing so he wouldn't become platy-paralyzed.

A, Z, S, & CB (insert much laughing)

M- You have to cook platypus eggs in a platy-pan......and when you put a platypus in someone's bed it's called a platy-prank.

A, Z ,S ,& CB (insert much laughing)

.................................................................

Getting in the car for practice one night, it's just me, Z, and one other kid, I can't remember which one, probably Cole. Cole is in his car seat Z climbs all the way to the back of the van. I am like why is he sitting all the way back there?

A- Why are you sitting all the way back there?

Z- I don't know I just felt like it.

A- Well, sit up front or in the middle?

Z- Why? What difference does it make where I sit?

A- Number one because I said so. Number two because I am your mother not your chauffeur. I don't chauffeur you around from event to event cause I have nothing better to do...because that's my job. I purposefully drive you to those events because I want to watch you play. I want you to have a good time doing what you enjoy. So when you sit up front it acknowledges to me that you understand I am not your maid, I am your mother who chooses to take you to your happy place.

Z moving up front huffing a bit.....I know he is rolling his eyes though I cannot see it.

Z- Why Lord......do females have to be so dang complicated all the time?

The way I see it....I'm just breaking him in well for his future wife.......

....................................................

I haven't had the time to blog or do anything that remotely causes my brain to rot in decompression since school started and it's not going to get better any time soon. The only thing I can do is drive from place to place and try to "keep up with the Jones' " which I despise. I can't stand running all over Hell and creation throwing money out of my car windows in the form of gas and losing what feels like a life time in the drivers seat of my car. Keeping the files in my mind in order so as not to skip something is a freaking chore these days.

So one morning while lamenting in despair over my Outlook calendar looking like someone threw up lego blocks on it in the form of activities that steal my valuable time.....Cole shuffles into my room in the early morning darkness and crawls up in my lap. He nods back off to sleep.

I notice his top lip pushed forward as he sucks his thumb hard. I can smell his breath, it wreaks of a good nights sleep. I can see the veins in his eyelids, smoothly covering his big greenish eyes. I notice his stark white hair bleached from the summer sun and his tan body hanging all over me. His legs have gotten so long that they hang over one side of my chair and his head is hanging over the crease of my other arm on the other side.

My baby is so long all of the sudden.....in fact he isn't even a baby or a toddler, he's a little boy. When the heck did that happen? I try to hold him more like a baby to see if it will change my perspective, but it doesn't.

He's really big.

My last baby is a baby no more.

I pulled him close to sniff his hair and his face to see if he smelled like a baby. He smelled like shampoo from the night before and that's it.

CB(sleepily)- Mom.........quit smelling me. I took a bath last night. My stomach wants something delicious to eat. It wants toast with no butter and chocolate milk.

This means he wants toast with butter. If he sees you put the butter on the toast, he won't eat it. If you serve him the toast with no butter...he won't eat it. So you have to do it all in secret, then everything is furry bunnies and rainbows.

I completely forgot about that despicable calendar of events for the day. I realized that my baby boy was really a little boy.......

........all the time with all of my babies is forever gone. It was really a jagged little pill to swallow for a few minutes. My throat physically squeezed tight and my eyes tried hard not to get wet.........



.....then suddenly..... I felt euphoria.

It came to me, I would never ever, ever, ever, have to potty train again.

All the stars in my universe were aligned properly after that.

Hey! Somebody kicked over my ant hill!!.............

Dear Blog,

I am tired of settling, it's exhausting. The choice for one to settle is their own. That's why so many folks have dreams that never come to fruition.....because they settle. I have recently determined myself to not settle. I deserve better than that in the name of Christ. He didn't ask me to live half baked.

He told me to look at the ants and how diligently they work and stay focused.

“Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise.” (Prov. 6:6, RSV)

You know how when you flip up a rock or a piece of wood, or just flat kick an ant hill, they all run about? Disruption in their work = chaos....within just a few minutes though they get right back at the task of life rebuilding. Kick an ant hill, in an hour it's looking pretty close to what it looked like before....... because of rebuilding.

“Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise. . . . She prepares her food in summer, and gathers her sustenance in harvest” (Prov. 6:6, 8).

“The ants are a people not strong, yet they provide their food in the summer. . . .” (Prov. 30:25).

They do things in steps, not all at once.

While these verses speak about being lazy and procrastination, they also speak to me about rebuilding when my spiritual walk has been kicked about and scattered, disrupted. I guess I need to take a look at the ants and their diligence in getting back on track.

The ants get severely agitated at the invade of their abode and even bite sometimes when they have been messed with. The agitator quickly runs away.

.....I have so been there lately. Severely agitated at letting the temple of my soul become invaded by the distractions of the world and the thing I call church, that I have "bitten" people and even "bitten" myself. I have infected myself with my own poison trying to control things that God normally handles for me.

So I am going to start the rebuilding of my spiritual life. One piece of sand at a time, just like the ants.

More prayer time.

Better study quality.

Accessing God's grace for my iniquities and for others I need to forgive.

Not holding myself accountable for others actions, but holding steadfast to the knowledge that I don't need to chill out..... but I need to buckle down and hold fast.

Allowing myself to hear Gods guidance and not feeling guilty if it isn't the popular choice.

Having had my hill kicked over is not a normal feeling for me. Running about in desperation trying to put my spiritual house back together on my own isn't something I have done in a very long time. I can honestly say, trying to do it on my own has really sucked. I am done with that now. I won't allow myself to feel false guilt anymore. It's destroying my real ability to access the God who built my house to begin with.

While some may feel the need to run around doing whatever they please...... having their course set before them but choosing their own path as better.......accessing no guidance for fear they may have to really work...... loving the life of chaos instead the one that heaps direction and blessing...........

.......I don't feel that need to participate anymore....and I won't. It doesn't bring me joy and I don't feel the love of the Lord. I cannot live without feeling the love of the Lord, It's like my breath to stay alive.

I choose not to settle and suffocate....but to separate and be loved fully and completely for obedience to the God who has NEVER failed me.

When I have turned my back, to walk my way, He grabbed my arm sternly and said. "No! Your path is this narrow one here, get back on it."

As soon as I determined myself to do the hard thing and be face to face with my savior....I felt hope & purpose. My ability to suck in some grace became instantly easier.

I know the one who strokes my weaknesses is furious, discouraged by my choice, and will eventually turn and run away....

Hope and purpose are my first two pieces of sand......

I slapped him with my long, thick piece, of wet beef jerky........

Now where was I.......Wally World & Lucy from Losertown.....

May finds two bathing suits, bikini's. She wants them, they look cute on her. I vowed I'd never let her have one & her daddy would die twice before she wore one while he was kickin around.

....we bought them both.

Hoping her dad would let her keep them.....albeit her oldest brother on the other hand....having a fit.

Z- I don't know why you are letting her buy one of those, much less two of them. Dad is not going to let her keep those. May, you never even wear bikini's.....

M- I always have one every summer...

A- Well, you have a two piece, not a bikini....there is a difference.

Z- You don't even have a curves to fill it out for petes sake!

A- Well yes she does or the thing wouldn't fit. She is getting older despite your resistance to realize she is a teenage girl who doesn't always want to play trampoline baseball with you all the time.

Z- She can get a 2 piece without getting a bikini....May, when you swim that top is not going to be comfortable.

M- Yes it is Zac! Besides I am not planning on wearing these to Logan's to chicken fight anyway...

A- Good thing! If we get these you can wear them on the boat and at the lake with us to get a nice tan. When we go to a friends pool, it'll be best for you to wear something you can rough house in that doesn't scream, "flesh!"

M- I know.....

Z-GOSH!! I am so over shopping for bikini's, bra's and girls panties...when I get home I am going over to King Davids to sit on the porch with the men!

...................................................

On the way home Z is fully exhausted from a half night of sleep at the camp out, weed eating, shopping for girly products while entertaining Cole so I can attend to the girls....and he can't find any good music on the radio and now Sky is going off with her steroid hyped tirade as if she has tourettes or something....Z is seeking quiet and sleep, he ain't gettin it.

May is in the back seat inserting the words "Applebees, Applebees" to the song "Immo be, Immo be" by the Blackeyed Peas. We aren't listening to that on the radio cause it's foul and Z has just changed the station......now some guy is singing "nut, nut, nut nuttin on you babe....nut, nuttin on you"....May changes it to "puke, puke, puke, puke-in on you Mom.... puke, puke-in on you"

Z- Everybody in the car who wants May to shut up say "I."

A, S, Z & CB (who suddenly wakes up from playing possum cause it's his new fun thing to do) - "I"

M- Why am I always the one who gets voted to shut up unanimously? (She doesn't shut up)

Z cuts the radio off & lays the seat back a bit....Sky's white trash dirty toes are in his hair.

That's it! He's done! Z blows up, goes off on Sky, and the words are tired and on the verge of being regrettable....so I stop him.

I slap him in the arm with my long, thick piece, of wet beef jerky.

Z- Mom! Really?? Did you just totally hit me with your wet meaty treat??

A- Yes. Stop talking so ugly, you are going to regret what you say cause you are tired. How did you know it was wet?

Z- Well let me see....my arm and my face are damp, gross, for petes sake.

......................................................................

So we're home now. Groceries have to be put up, do some more laundry, give kids medicine, get teeth brushed, get'em tucked in, do some dishes, take the dog out, put some stuff in the attic, put some stuff away in my bathroom........

Stop! Hear this!

In my bathroom, candles are around the tub and the lights are low. D has put a bath bomb that he has found somewhere in this house into bathwater that he has ran for me. The hot water has run out from kids showers, so he is hustling back and forth putting like 7 or 8 pots of super heated to boiling water in the tub for me.....so it will be hot when I get in, cause I like HOT HOT HOT baths.

I am immediately grateful. This tells me he knows I am tired and weary and he is showing me mercy. He sees I am pleased and he is pleased with himself.

I have a hard time accepting gifts. But I thought of a conversation my sister and I had about me just saying "Thank you," and enjoying the gift.

So that is what I did, gave him a kiss and said Thank you.

I climbed into the tub, he pulled the door semi shut and turns on some Norah Jones, ready to leave me to myself for some peace and quiet. Before that though, he brings me two cucumber pads from the fridge to put onto my eyes while I rest in the tub.

Derrick was my hero, as always these days......saving me from myself.

she kissed him about 100 times and headed to bed.......

Last night D & Sky went to a father/daughter dance in Farragut, called the Shamrock Ball. I was so excited for Sky cause it seems like all the kids are into something at one time or another but she really isn't. She spends time with her best girlfriend Abby, but other than that she kinda just does what everyone else does.

In the essence of one on one time, this was her moment.

Wearing Maysie's dress, her hair curled & sprayed, lip gloss & pearls on......she and D left around 5:30 to go and eat seafood.

That is something she and her dad have in common. They will eat all food from the sea. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as it swims and can be eaten, it shall be done.

They shared a meal and headed over the dance a bit late, but better late than never.

Z spent the night off so that left me, May & CB. I made triple chocolate chip cookies and put CB to bed early. May and I finished off a few NCIS's that we had DVR'd.

When I heard the garage door opening around 10:00 pm, I couldn't wait to see how it went. In comes Sky bouncing & announcing she is home! She smells like garlic from dinner and her eye's are sparkling. I knew she had a good time.

I wanted all the details.

• Who was there?
• A DJ or live band?
• What kind of Craft?
• Did they dance?
• Snacks?
• Did she make a friend?
• Did he meet some dads?
• Did they win any prizes? (since this was a charity thing folks could win donated stuff)
• Were idiot moms there who shouldn't have been?

........ALL the details...

D said the dance was packed with over 100 folks surely, a DJ, and some light food stuffs & lemonade. Sky flashed her beaded craft bracelet she had made and told me they took her picture sitting on Dad's lap and that she did not fake smile(which she is noted for).

Sky told me her dad got a little crazy on the dance floor and she was embarrassed but the slow dance he was better at. She told me the "Macarena" was a stupid dance but that she got jiggy with it on "Party in the USA" and so did Dad. She relayed that all the dad's knew how to "YMCA" but she did not.

D relayed to me at the restaurant they thought he was a lawyer because he was in a suit and tie, eating in the bar area, though he told them he was not. D & Sky sat in the bar area so they could eat & scat, cause it was taking too long to get seated & they were running late.....so they called Sky the "Little Prosecuter."

D told me there was some goofy dads there but he wasn't one of them.

They did not win any prizes.

The young girls knew the dance to the Thriller song which he found wild, so did the DJ apparently as he commented on the mic about how cool it was......& quite frankly I was wow'd too. He relayed he thought the "Macarena" was stupid dance also.

D's smile conveyed to me he had an awesome time too. We will surely put this on the calendar again for next year.

As we were winding down for the night.....

• May continued to convey how not exciting her night with me was.
• Sky told her dad, "Thank you," and kissed him about 100 times and headed to bed.
• I continued to ask for every detail.

D finally told me while half asleep....."Go some where and read till your Lunesta kicks in...I have YMCA'd and Partied in the USA and I am exhausted, you are talking my head off, no more talking, I love you, goodnight."

snowy with a 100% chance of smiles...........

A- What's the weather today?

M-(in her best anchor girl voice) Today's weather is overcast and snowy with a 100% chance of smiles


On your mark,
Get set,
SLED!!!!!!!!

(clicking on the photos may enlarge them)















Cole can hang with the big dogs with no problem....it was me
who was worried. The boy steers the Flexible Flyer better than I do
and going mock 10 no less.










....and at the end of the day, you get a tired little boy........




Sunday morning brought this beautiful sunrise with the moon beaming in my kitchen window, in competition with the sun for attention.

oh and then there was this.....