Tuesday, September 29, 2009

to be lucky or not to be lucky, that is the question...........

I was bending down......

to look at a snake in our driveway that we ran over with the car on purpose some days ago and it was still there cause I forgot all about it till D told me he thought it was a copper head......

so I thought I should actually look at it.....

and my pants split in the crotch all the way up to my belt loop.....

The dumb pants were not even tight cause I lost some weight (PRAISE GOD) I think they had just been washed too many times cause I refuse to buy clothes till I lose some dang weight.

I was going on the premise that God made sure the sandals didn't wear out while the Hebrews were wandering in the wilderness for 40 years........

probably didn't work cause I'm not Hebrew or something......


This summer May and I found 17 four leaf clovers. Maysie actually found 2 five leaf clovers which is crazy wild to me.

I've never found a five leaf clover.

...in the picture above are clovers we found in once day! We found them in the same patch, cause you know, 4 leaf clovers are a mutation......so if you find one in a patch, chances are if you keep looking you'll find a bunch more around it. I have to say this cause it's tradition. I always tell May the reason we find so many in a patch is because "it's a mutation," to which she responds, "you ALWAYS SAY THAT! I already know it."

So I have to say it now, cause it's tradition.....

So I got a ticket in Oak Ridge last month on my way home from taking CB to get his almost knocked out tooth fixed. The idiotic camera's mounted on the red light things snapped off a picture of my car clear as a bell in two different positions, both showing my license plate clearly.

Both photographs clearly displayed my "Hard Core Jesus Freak" Harley Davidson style window decal too. They clocked me going 46 in a 35. SO STUPID they have this 4 lane in Oak Ridge that I could walk faster in than people drive. When I am driving up there I feel like I might grow a ZZ Top beard and die before I get to the dentist or pediatricians office.

So my $10 co-pay office visit now cost me $60. I am absolutely going to switch my dentists and pediatrician office to someone closer to us and that won't cause me to have undue stress and anxiety about getting a ticket for going a decent speed on a 4 lane. I read in the paper that those cameras have caught THOUSANDS of folks going higher than 35 and each has paid a minimum fine of $50. You can do the math.......somebody is not havin a cash flow problem.

You know.....about two years ago, now that I think about it I got a ticket in Oak Ridge on that same road going 55 in a 45. Right where the road starts to turn into a decent speed leaving Oak Ridge not right in town, I got pulled over I swear right in front of a 55 mile an hour sign, for doing 55 in a 45. I could have spit on the sign if I was so inclined because I was that close. It was clear idiocy to me and I hate to say it but my kids were making fun of the police officer cause he had a big fat belly with a waaaaaay too tight belt. That looked like it would pop off at a high speed and kill you if he ate just oooonnnne more donut. When he sat down he had to have been uncomfortable.

anyway......so I told D when they looked at my picture with that Jesus Freak decal on the window, I bet they said, "Hey Jesus Freak! Put the petal to the metal on this!"


CB told me today he wanted a "horsey kiss."............Hershey Kiss

I put a new train clock in CB's room. He asks me every night what time it is. I told him, "It says 10 o'clock, it's way past your bedtime."

He tells me, "No it isn't 10 o'clock, it's a-train-o'clock, now what time does it say?"


Why is it green freezy pops always make you cough???

I hate lime stuff, but I hide the green freezy pops cause they are delicious to me, but I swear every time I eat one it tickles my throat and makes me cough, it's the strangest thing.

Monday, September 28, 2009

some stuff in my yard...............

So my yard seems to be infested with Wooly Aphids. If you look out my windows it really looks like it is snowing outside.

King David's tree version of the Gardenia.

I don't know what kind of mushroom this is, but I like the way it looks.

Black and Yellow Argiope or Argiope aurantia, its a garden spider, sometimes called a writing spider, for the zig zag in the web thing you can barely see in the photo.

They first look like this...small and skinny.....

but in a couple weeks they look like this and they are huge and scary looking, but really they aren't that bad, unless you are allergic to spiders.

Like all spiders they make a pile of babies...1 to 4 egg sacs with 300 to 1400 eggs in each one!!!!

After laying eggs, the female dies. The baby spiders hatch from their eggs in the Fall, but they stay inside the sac through Winter.

We found this in a flower bed.....nice huh? Z said looks like someone dipped their goober in fondue.........GROSS!!!

This is what it really is.......

Phallus drewesii or, easier to say Stinkhorn

This info provided by http://www.wildmanstevebrill.com/

General Information
There's no polite way of saying it: stinkhorns are gross, and they stink so strongly you usually smell them before you see them.

These distinctive mushrooms have a single, unbranched, erect stalk, sometimes gaudily colored, leading to Linnaeus aptly placing them in a genus he called Phallus (which has since been split into additional unsavory genera). The stalk is slimy, especially toward the tip, where the spores are concentrated.
And the entire mushroom hatches from an "egg," which, unlike a puffball, reveals layers of slime cut open.

The mushroom spreads its spores, which are present in the slime, by attracting flies and other creatures that like decaying flesh. The slime sticks to the insects, which then transport the spores.

Stinkhorns are saprophytes: the fungus under the stinkhorn or egg grows through wood chips or organic material in the ground and decomposes it. (hence the reason it is growing its disgusting self in my mulch)

Edibility (Why or how anyone on earth would even think to eat this is beyond me)
Stinkhorns are too disgusting to eat, although none that I know of are poisonous. Nevertheless, people have tried eating the cooked eggs of some species after removing the slime layer. I reluctantly tried one bite of a cooked stinkhorn egg just once, so I could speak about the experience first-hand. I noticed very little flavor and a markedly unpleasant texture before I spit it out! (again hence the reason his name is "Wild Bill")

Then a friend astonished me by telling me that shop people were selling dried stinkhorns in New York City's Chinatown (they're supposed to be a delicacy in China once the slime is removed). He even went so far as to buy me a package of dehydrated Chinese stinkhorns, an odorless "food" I had no way of identifying (I don't speak Chinese) that people in China have been eating for centuries.
I added this to a soup, and found it to have no flavor, and a weird squishy texture that people in China apparently like, but I found very unpleasant. Perhaps with proper seasonings, you could use this species to make a vegetarian mock squid dish!

Never eat, or even pick stinkhorns in New Guinea, where the Iban people (former headhunters) call it ghost penis fungus (immature snicker he he he). It's the member of a warrior who was decapitated in battle, and the twice-mutilated fighter will rise from the ground and pursue you until he cuts off your head with his headhunting sword!

Uses and Misuses
The best use of stinkhorns is for professional naturalists to use for lecture-demonstrations, but even this can be problematic:
In 2001, I found the front yard of a house near where my fiancée Leslie lived covered with Ravenel's stinkhorn. I should have left them there for Ravenel, but put a bunch in a bag and stored that in Leslie's refrigerator for a few days, since I would be departing from her place to give a presentation in a library.
Stinkhorns are one of nature's most foul-smelling creations, but they're nothing compared to decomposing stinkhorns! After a few days, Leslie noticed that she couldn't open her refrigerator without coming close to passing out.
After she identified the source of the putrescence and threw out the bag, she still had to scrub the refrigerator thoroughly and wait a few months before the smell went away. Miraculously, she still married me in 2002!
http://www.wildmanstevebrill.com/ if you interested in other mushroom stuff......

Again............EEEEEWWWW freakin GROSS!!!!!!!!!

Skylar found this attached to her skates in the garage yesterday. It is the chrysalis of a
Variegated Fritillary Butterfly. If you touch it, it will vibrate a bit.
Notice how it looks kind of like a face near the front. Its spikes look like they are dipped in gold.

I thought this was "far out!"

These two pictures are of another Variegated Fritillary Butterfly chrysalis we found under my sedum,...... that's a plant, try not to get stupid......

It is more pearly white with golden spikes because it is closer to coming out a butterfly......

.....notice the face like end can be seen much more clearly in these photos.

Super Cool!!!!

Variegated Fritillary Butterfly......So......it will look like this when it comes out.....I did not take this photo, I swiped it from


This Is a nice bloom from my Playboy Tea Tree Rose

This is a random photo that's just so funny cause that night I got like..... no sleep, my eyes were dark & my hair was sticking straight up every where....I looked like Kramer from Seinfield.
I should be ashamed to put this photo here, but really it's just so dang funny how my hair is sticking up everywhere. >

If this were my mother, I would run away.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

U is for Update..............

Update on the car accident and continued prayer request.

G who was in the car accident Sunday, is progressing, however, he now has a blood clot. He might be in the hospital for another week or two. The step-father said he is staying with him each day until G's mother gets home from California. She had gone to a family funeral there. She might be home Friday. Cards and gifts are better than visits right now for G.
G is now in a secure area and he cannot have visitors at this time except for family. I was told that his insides are so badly bruised that he is not able to take in food because of a constriction in the bowels, so he is being fed through the veins. It may take a week or so before he is able to eat real food. He has some broken ribs and also a punctured lung.

The dad who was driving is supposed to be moved to a regular room soon. His 2 children are healing at home (they live with their grandmother).
Thank you to all the folks who emailed me to tell me they are praying for G, going to visit him, and loving him with broken hearts right along with me. I love my church family, they sustain my walk tightly............

Monday, September 21, 2009

H is for Hero.............

This past Sunday a father picked up his two children and their cousin after church, ages 9 or 10 and younger. They were involved in a head on collision before they hit the main road.

The passengers in both vehicles had to go to UT. The folks that were hit head on were released that night I believe.

The Father who was driving has had his second surgery and one of the children, the cousin, is still in ICU and came out of surgery this evening.

The two children of the father who was driving were released to go home today, with broken collar bones.

Those children lost their mother a few years ago to a brain tumor.

The cousin, whom we'll call G, who is left there in the hospital is not in what I perceive as optimal living conditions. There is much more I could say but I choose to remain silent, for I am on the outside looking in.

I am saying this cause Bryan Woody is my hero this week.

He is a husband, a dad, a coach, a Sunday school teacher, an AWANA commander, a children's minister, and a deacon.... that's just the stuff I know about.

This week when G had no one......not one single adult to comfort him after such a traumatic event for a child, Bryan was there. For as much as I wanted to go and see them all, I didn't. I used my children Sunday evening as an excuse to stay home. I figured the hospital would be full of family for those kids...........taking for granted that all people love their children the way I love mine.......

.......but they don't.

Later in the evening a woman came to the hospital whom G called "granny." But we aren't even sure if she is his granny. Bryan had text me to let me know granny was staying the night and would be there today(Monday). I breathed a huge sigh of relief, cause I couldn't hardly breathe thinkin it could be one of my children and I would have had my tail on fire to be to the hospital quick as I could....and this super sweet little boy has to stay by himself all night......with no one, my mind was racing in anxiety.

So today I thought I'd get up there to see G, but alas I schooled till late in the day & rain, rain, rain. Some more excuses..........

Bryan got off work at lunch to go to the hospital and sit with him.

He was there when G went into surgery this evening (again holding back some words I could let fly in disbelief) and he was there when G got out, just like he told G he would.

It would have been fairly easy to put the little boy in the back of the file system in his mind and finish out the work day. Then later head over to the hospital, make an appearance, go home, eat with his family, head to football practice, and home to kick back and watch some TV, and say to his wife, "that is a sad situation"......

.........but he didn't.

Because his actions so spoke to me this week about his love for kids who need love bad and his love for my kids who get plenty of love......Bryan is my hero.

He brought to me calmness from a far and he brought G love right up close when he needed it the most. He was the one who made eye contact and said I will be here when you get out and meant it.

I am crazy about you Bryan Woody and your whole darn Woody Family

Your Sister in Christ, Amy

Friday, September 18, 2009

you know, you don't have to stop fully at stop signs with white lines around the outside.........

Vanilla Ice Pictures, Images and Photos

These are sheer random thoughts from the past that just came to me for a no good reason today.....

When I was getting married I had gotten my invitations together to send out. A few people I did not know their addresses but knew where they lived, so Mom & I decided to hand deliver them. One in particular was an invitation I had to give because they were attached to my family by marriage. This would be my step uncle and his horrid wife. This was his second marriage and hers too. She had a son who was mentally challenged a bit, but a super kid. He was smart in school, eager to please, a hard worker at the grocery store where he bagged groceries, and he was happy despite the circumstances in which he lived.

He was super pale and when he laughed he turn bright red, so we called him "Fire Ball." His parents were morons, his mom and step father, my step uncle. My step uncle, rest his soul, was one of those that sued everybody. If he could remotely be somewhere that could potentially help him receive money so he didn't have to work, he was there. The mother never brushed her teeth. I don't care how poor you might be, a toothbrush is not that expensive, even if you can't afford toothpaste......put a dang brush on yer freakin teeth....GOSH!

She spoke in this high pitched annoying voice that made me physically distort my face when listening to her speak. I felt in my heart that she wondered how her life had become unsatisfactory and was just trying to live through it. She had become sort of an anxious woman and started to stutter in that high pitched voice and I just had to cringe.

I felt like someone needed to rescue Fire Ball so he could succeed. Given the right circumstances Fire Ball could be a superb man. I would later learn, after my father's funeral, and by sheer chance, that he was in fact doing well for himself, which made my heart feel relief.

So Mom and I went to deliver my beautiful wedding invitations to them in person. She was mowing her grass, over weight, greasy short brown hair, completely and utterly sweaty, with gunky teeth, and no bra on with her DDD boobs swinging under her shirt as she mowed....it was awful. So Mom did some small talk and I smiled and tried to be polite without making the distorted face.

Mom handed her the invitation and she stuck my beautiful wedding invitation in her sweaty underwear inside her pants......I physically said "uuuuhhh," and my mom slapped me on my thigh inside the car. She said our goodbyes and we drove off to the stop sign. Once far enough away we both started eeeeewwww-ing as loud as all get out. Trying to shake off the horrible sight of that wonderful piece of paper that signified I was about to marry the man of my dreams in her swinging triple D's, gunky teeth, sweaty pants.

Okay, shake that off if you can and we'll move on...............

This story reminded me of my mom's cousins. They have a house on the lake in my mom's home town in South Carolina. Quite a few of her cousins live in that area and spend a good bit of time on the lake eating together and whatnot. One of the cousins, I believe, owns a bar and grille with live entertainment. I have not been there, but I hear they all have a pretty good time regularly. My whole family is full of cut-ups as one might guess. We all like to laugh hard and we all love hard too.

So the one cousin that owns the bar and grille is a twin. I hear that one of the twins has a girlfriend they call "Buttah Face." I am not sure of her real name actually, cause this is what they call her....to her face, when speaking about or referring to her to other people, you know general everyday conversation and so forth. I assumed at first since they are all from South Carolina and any word that ends with or has an "R" in it is deleted. Like Charles becomes Challs and Heather becomes Heathah...Mother becomes Muthah....hence her nickname is Buttah Face so that must be Butter Face. She must have super smooth skin or be young or something....

uuuuuuuhh no

I am informed her name is "Buttah Face" because everything looks good on her BUTTAH FACE!

That's just freakin funny, I'm sorry, but it is......

I thought of this too.......

Not too long after I had gotten my license to drive, which took me two tries to get, I got a ticket for failing to stop fully at stop sign.

We had this guy who was a year younger than me living with our family, he was like my brother. Though we rarely talk anymore, I still have fond memories of him. I last saw him at my dads funeral and it made my heart happy to see him. We hadn't seen one another since shortly after I was married. His name was Mike.

Mike told me I didn't have to stop fully at stop signs that had white lines around the outside. It never occurred to me at the age of 16 that he may be yankin my chain.

Despite the fact that all the signs seemed to have white lines, it never occurred to me he was yankin my chain.

That is seriously STUPID dumb blonde material.

So I had to explain my stupidity to my mom, at 16 it never occurred to me I should be embarrassed about believing that. It was just something that happened, I got spoofed on, got a ticket, okay, and what's next on my happy little, I'm 16, and the whole world is mine to conquer life.

I don't envy my friends with 16 year old teenagers that are driving........


We watched Curly Sue, the old movie from the 90's I think, about a homeless girl and her friend whom they call her dad. The two try to get this rich lady to help them out by tricking her into thinking she hit the man with her car.

At some point Curly Sue goes into foster care.

We watched this as a family. It was rated PG.....in the 90's. To me that = fairly clean family movie cause I am so contaminated by filth today. The dang movie came off with the "b word" 3 times & "G D" like 4 times. The movie is cute, but the language was unexpected and made me feel like a crappy mom...........well, for a little while then I went to sleep and forgot about it.

.....so I had to take my car to the Hyundai dealership for some things to get checked out and they gave me a loaner cause it was apparently gonna take some time.

So I get this cute little red economy something or other with a sunroof and a 21,000 price tag.....

Sky loves the car. She comes in from the garage relaying her love for the red car with a sunroof.

She then asks me, "How long do we get to keep your foster car?"

Monday, September 14, 2009

you should only shave nose hairs when they are sticking out of your nose.........

I was at a pool party over the weekend and some of us gals were gabbing about random things cause I dyed my hair brown and I had to wear make-up to the party.

The reason I gave for wearing make-up was that because my hair was so drastically different, people would be looking at my face so I had to try and look good. At least till the newness of the color was not new anymore.

I actually did wear make-up to a pool party for middle school aged boys. Who does that?

...people with dark brown dyed hair, who have been blonde their whole lives......

So the husband of the house at which we were swimming ask me why I dyed my hair...he's bald, he didn't get it.....plus, he's a man....

I told him, I guess cause I was going crazy and it was my birthday and I was turning 39.....but when I was thinking about that later, turning 39 really hasn't affected me at all......but I am going crazy, for sure.
I weigh like two or three times a day

I grow my hair out and whack it all off constantly

I constantly pluck hairs off my face, even when there are no hairs to pluck I hunt for a hair somewhere that will give me satisfaction.

I absolutely cannot remember anything. For real, if it is not on my outlook calendar, it WILL NOT happen. God forbid, my computer not boot up one day, we'd have to sit in the house all day and stare at the walls in a zoned out trance.

If it weren't for the fuel ding-er thing in my car I wouldn't remember to put gas in my car, it's pathetic

......so anyway, whatever, ......we were discussing random things like zits up our noses, shaving utensils like the Epilady from the 90's.
Remember that thing would yank yer freakin hair out of yer leg? What a wretched devise that was.

I actually had a friend who could use that horrid hair yanker like a razor and never flinch. I had to bow down and worship that girl.

Then we were discussing shaving off our eyebrows by accident.....I told you....random, all cause I wore make-up cause I dyed my hair.

Anyway it made me remember the "As seen on TV, MicroTouch shaver." Oh Junk, I had to get one of those. I went to the "As seen on Tv" store in Lenoir City and bought me one in pink and D one in black. My pink one went bust and I just took his, cause he thought it was dippy. On TV the people would shave their eyebrows, trim their ears and nose hairs. It seemed like for every kid I had, I got a hair somewhere it should not be. My eyebrows were thick as all get out. So I was gonna trim them up real nice ....like on TV....with the utensil they give you and all.

uuummmm no

Cause see....they don't really tell you how to hold and angle the utensil, so I shaved my right eyebrow off partially. It was idiotic.
So I was just looking at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out how am I gonna fix this.

When this amazing idea came into my head about shaving out my nose hairs. I became distracted by that and forgot about my bisected eyebrow. So I thrust the black stick with a mini shaver into my nostril and went to town. I examined my handy work, all looked well, and super clean, I was feelin pretty good about my mini shaver again till I remember little half pint sittin above my right eye.

The kids thought it was a riot and so did D, in fact..... I think he might have thought I was an idiot too.

But here's the thing, let me tell on somebody......... my girlfriend Christi came to my house one day. She had already observed my mishap and had a good chuckle. My eyebrow had grown back somewhat quickly. But despite the fact I told her not to use the retched utensil, she assured me she would be careful, and she was............at my house.

I had an extra one and she took it home and shaved off her eyebrow in the privacy of her own home. She had to go get hers done by a professional cause she lives in town... where people actually see her everyday.

I hated to laugh, but I was due cause everyone already laughed at me.

Ok, here is another thing, when you shave all yer nose hair out....in TN.....you sneeze yer butt off all day, everyday for like 4 weeks or something...... cause there is nothing there to keep that stuff from going into your airways.

So don't do that, unless you are a man and you can physically see hairs sticking out of your nose.....cause that is really gross, shave that off, just not all that other stuff inside.

So I still have D's little black mini shaver. I use it to shave my uni brow white hairs in between my eyebrows. Sometimes when I feel reckless, I will shave the very edges of my eyebrows that are trying to grow to my ears.

Sky fighting with Cole in the backseat and determined to finish the fight with the last words

Sky - "Cole, why don't you go soak your head in a toilet??!!"

Sunday, September 13, 2009

aawww, he'd just had some road rash, it woulda healed, he'd been fine lookin..........

I been so dang busy.

This past Friday I participated in the community "tard sale." Cause "t" & "y" are close to each other on the keyboard, my outlook calendar told me Friday was the day of the "tard sale."
I wondered which of my kids I could sell that day.

anyway.....I made $70 or so, that enabled me to go to Mimi's Cafe today after church with Sarah for an amazing breakfast in the middle of the day. They serve breakfast till 3:00, AWESOME! I had the new thick blueberry french toast with this blueberry cream and fresh blueberries & strawberries on top with two eggs over easy and three piece of bacon, fresh grapefruit juice, and two mocha lattes.........and so much girl chatter that Sarah and I hardly breathed till she dropped me off in my driveway at 4:30. I passed D coming in as he was heading back to church this evening. I love him for letting me go to lunch, breakfast....lunch.....breakfast for lunch, whatever....with Sarah, cause I love Sarah. I don't care how good or bad I am, Sarah loves me. Even when I am bad she may not say it right out, but I know she doesn't agree with me, I can dig it that she doesn't always agree with me.

.....though today she agreed with me on everything and I agreed with her on everything......probably cause we were giddy with delight to eat and gab in peace with no one tugging on us to get a drink, go to the bathroom, or some one hit some one. In fact I am not 100% she nor I knows what the other said as we squeezed so much conversation into a 3 hour time span....I remember this....mmmmmmm, mmmmmmmmm, this is so good, mmmmmmmm, so glad I ordered this, mmmmmmm, mmmmmmmm, another mocha latte? yes please.......mmmmmmm, no I don't want any of yours it will ruin my perfect taste, something about Genera hyper color shirts, elevators stopping on every floor and some angel at Krystal's or something.

OK, back to the "tard sale," so the first shoppers were 2 ladies. I am 100% sure they were baptists by the way they were talking. One lady is young but looks old cause she is dressed way to old for her age, the other lady is old and gossipy about something "that is a shame that she don't git ta see them kids cause they need thar momma." Then she goes on to say her church is having revival and all about the revival. She never once asks me to come to her church revival, not that I would have, but I sort of thought that was the point of havin revival....to revive the community. So I ask her, "Are you all Baptist?"

lady- uh, yeah , Shoog(southern short for sugar), we are, why'd you ask?

A- I just heard you talk about revival and all....(and about other folks and "that's justa shame" and all)

Lady- oh, uh huh.....(goes on gossiping about the girl who don't get to see her kids and heads out)

Later on in the day I meet a total hillbilly with overalls and a torn up white t-shirt, skinny, fellow, with a dirty baseball cap, and some teeth........but a SUPER SWEET guy. He can't believe I am selling children's books for 25 cents and wants to know which ones a 3 year old would like. He looks at the pages, notices the colors and 3 year old friendly things in the books and buys 5 books for his girlfriend's little boy. He also buys him a jacket and I throw in some other things cause he is such cool, mild, loving guy, looking for things that will make the mom and the little boy happy. I hope they liked what he bought.

Then, one of the last guys to come to the "tard sale" is a 55 year old, married 4 times, Santa Claus looking man, who looks 65 or 70 to me and his 21 year old youngest boy of three kids by his last wife of 26 years, who he "reckons he will keep." They are looking for fishing gear, tools, & motorcycle stuff. I inform him my husband has no gear cause he's banned from motorcycles till his kids are grown. I explain to him the wreck and the importance of his life to my family....and how his face woulda been peeled off if he hadn't been wearing a super good helmet.

The man proceeds to school me on how dangerous helmets are, and how there are no good helmets. How they are the most dangerous piece of equipment a rider can wear. To which I tell him D would have a messy face without it...... I am for helmets, to which he informs me .....
Biker Santa-aawww, he'd just had some road rash, it woulda healed, he'd been fine lookin

A- I'm still for helmets I don't care....

Biker Santa- I can't hear that good, what?

A- (talking significantly louder)I'm still for helmets I don't care....

Biker Santa- Them thangs can break yer neck, now....... you put yer fingers on the side of yer face on the eyes you got no peripheral vision....do it, ya see that?

A- (I do it, he is correct)- I' don't care, I am still for helmets.....

Biker Santa- You know when I had my kids my wife quit ridin so ya know, two parents wouldn't be killed ridin, jist one, I had all my kids from tha time theyz one on a motorcycle

A- Good Lord man, did they wear a helmet?

Biker Santa- I can't hear that good, say it again, what?

A- (louder) Did they wear a helmet?!

Biker Santa - They all ride bikes, .....have been their whole lives, I been in 5 wrecks. I dun hit or been hit by 5 cars ridin (starts listing all his broken bones, so many I can't remember them all) and on top of that I been stabbed and shot too.

A- Good Lord man, maybe ridin motorcycles is something you should reconsider, if I wuz yer wife I'd been dun grounded you.

Biker Santa- shooooot, I'm 55 years old Ma'am, I ride a Harley on one wheel with the front wheel in the air with my wife ridin behind me.

A- Good Lord Man! Do you hear yourself talkin?!! That is pure madness, I couldn't be married to you!!

(the son is smiling and headin back to the truck)

Biker Santa- My son right thar, his friends told'em, I like riding in tha truck with yer daddy, he drives crazy.

A- Well, why can't you hear?(cause now I am dang hollerin in my garage and it's stupid)

Biker Santa- cause I was fightin at bar when I was younger, that's when I got shot

A- In yer dang ear?!

Biker Santa- Nope, in my arm and shoulder, but we'z all fightin, I got hit in tha ear,...... I'z in high school then......

A- .....and you got in a bar fight?!! Good Lord man, it's time you settle yer butt down, put that Harley on two wheels. You ain't drinkin no more is ya?

Biker Santa- oh no Ma'am, cause last time I drove 749 miles across some states and 10 miles before I got home I fell asleep ridin and my kids thought I wuz drunk, so I stopped drinkin while I was ridin cause I didn't want them ta worry bout me drinkin and drivin. I like to talk .....(he's smilin at me and he is quite charming, his son's standin by the truck still smilin)

A- (hollerin to the son)- Is yer daddy just jackin around with me tellin me all this stuff?

Son- No Ma'am...he's crazy, but I love him crazy like that. He does like ta talk now......

A- Alright, well all I gots children's stuff and some Christmas decorations, can you pop a wheelie on any of that?

Biker Santa- (smiling showing me perfectly white straight teeth) I can poppa wheelie in this truck Hun if you give a minute....(he's laughin, walking away) You have a good weekend Hun and tell yer husband he needs to get his woman in line and get another bike.......

A- I hear ya, don't run over my plants backin up, Bye!!

They wave me off, still smilin.....I bet them two had a nice weekend.

......."tard sales" are a lot of work, but the people that come by are kinda fun.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Momma, don't kiss daddy, you my girlfriend...........

At 8:00AM Saturday morning this is what I heard while I was standing in the kitchen.
I think the volume was on like........10!

....because D needed to let me know, after all these years he finally knows what "domo arigato" means. It means thank you in Japonics, in case you need to be enlightened also.

C- I hungry momma

A- What would like for lunch? Peanut butter on cinnamon bread with sprinkles, oatmeal with sprinkles, or how about some mac-n-cheese with green sprinkles....yummy.....

C-No, I want some shapes

A- Shapes?

C- I want some shapes

A- Come show me what you would like, cause I don't know what shapes are

........going into the fridge he pulls out a lunchable with circle crackers, square turkey, and rectangle swiss cheese...........he wants "shapes" for lunch.


S- Mom, can you fix me a gecko sandwich

A- What?

S- a gecko sandwich.....

A- Ew, gross, what goes into a gecko sandwich? When I last checked we didn't have any geckos to put into a sandwich in the house and that I am aware of you cannot buy that at Kroger either....however, we can never really be sure what potted ham is.......

S- noooooo, you know that bread you cut in a circle with a chicken patty in it

A- OH! You want a "ghetto" chicken sandwich?

S- (happy as a lark) Yes!! I want two......

I told you she was ghetto......


Cole looking in the mirror a couple days after his dentist appt to get his tooth fixed after he nearly knocked it out.........

C- Momma, where is my black tooth?

.......watching the news with D after dinner. I am sitting close to D on the couch, Cole comes in, crawls in my lap, looking at D irritated.......

C-Momma, you my girlfriend
D-No, she's my girlfriend
C- Nooooo she my girlfriend
D- No she's my girlfriend
C- NO MOMMA, you MY girlfriend (turns my face towards his and kisses me on my lips)
A- aaawwww Cole Bear that's a sweet kiss, I love you Cole Bear (big hugs)
C- (to Derrick) she my girlfriend, hmp.....
D- (turns my face and gives me a kiss) She my girlfriend, hmp
C- noooo, momma don't kiss him, (he wipes my lips off)

...this goes on and on till I get up cause they are driving me crazy. Later when I tuck Cole in the bed......

C- Momma, you my girlfriend, not daddy
A- ....yer my boyfriend Cole Bear.....
C-(big hug and a kiss) Don't kiss daddy okay?
A- okay CB, g'night


......on a whole other note of ghetto, we are sleeping on a flat sheet, being used as a fitted sheet. All our fitted sheets had been washed relentlessly for years with bleach and one by one I was throwing them out not realizing that we had no other fitted when I changed the sheets. I did order two new sets of sheets, but they haven't came in yet. So my bed set up is totally ghetto right now. A flat sheet as a fitted, two completely different pillow cases, and for real a flat sheet to sleep under that has nothing to do with any of the other sheets.

This speaks to me about the things that are important. This would never have happened 10 years ago and now I really don't give a rip that my sheets are 100% mixed matched, it's kind of funny really.

Here's another ghetto thing. Over the summer a friend of our is working at a golf cart place and said since some folks in our neighborhood have golf carts we should get one too. D mentioned it to me and I thought that was a total waste of our money........

....... Especially when I can just put on my orange, Dale, Jr. cap with a camo #8 on it and another 8 drawn beside it in permanent marker to make it "88," tie green gardening wire to our riding lawn mower and Radio Flyer wagon and haul all our stuff including CB, the dog, a cooler and floats to the lake. Why do I need a golf cart?


Sky & I crammed in the bathroom stall at McDonald's after the Smokies game with other people in the bathroom.....and she talks loud..... constantly

S- I think I have diarrhea
A- Sky, I don't care just go to the bathroom
S- first mom, a big log came out, then it was running really fast out my butt
A- Sky I don't care about all that, quit talking so loud and finish!

lady next to us farts

S- (laughing loudly) Mom? Did you hear her fart?
A- (trying not to laugh cause Sky is laughing and her laugh is funny to me) Sky shut up! Are you done?!
S- (still loud) I know you think it's funny cause I see you trying not to laugh, you heard her fart didn't you mom?
S- I like it when you laugh
A- why?
S- cause then you aren't screaming....
A- okay, Sky, I'm done with you, I'm outta here....I leave her

When I come out thankfully the bathroom has cleared mostly and I just try to tell myself
I will never see these people again,
I will never see these people again,
I will never see these people again.......

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

WWJD? Wash His car lady!.............

We went to the Smokies game Sunday evening with The Adams and had a super time.

On the way down to the stadium, I became lost in thought because we past these two crazy people on a motorcycle. The girl was wearing some half jacked helmet that would crack like an egg if she hit the pavement. She was also wearing a true tank top and some shorts with NO SHOES. Same for the man, sleeveless and shorts, NO SHOES.......riding a motorcycle on the highway, half dressed, going a minimum of 60 miles an hour. My mind wandered to when D had his motorcycle accident. Thinking about how if he hadn't have had all his protective gear on, namely a good helmet, his face would be a mess on one side right now. The accident was totally not his fault since a dog ran out of a ditch at the moment he passed.

On the highway with no gear on and a helmet that is purely for looks isn't cool looking at all, it's idiotic. If you are reading this and you happen to be one of those people who wears only motorcycle "cool gear" instead of gear for safety, I want you to know when people look at you while you are riding feelin cool.......they don't even notice yer cool bike.....cause they are too busy thinkin about how stupid you are. That's what I was thinkin. I can't tell you what type of bike they were on, I just remember their stupidity vividly.

That could be a whole other blog, so I'll get on with it. These are the things we passed riding down the highway with these songs playing on the radio......

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

**idiots riding a motorcycle with no clothes or shoes on & idiot helmets....and the guy with no shoes but goggles, cause though he doesn't want bugs in his eyes, it's okay for his skin to be peeled off at a rapid rate when he drops it.......cause a wise friend of mine said, "Bikers have a saying, it's not will you drop it, it's when you drop it......"

...saw license plates from these states: Georgia, Mississippi, North Carolina, Indiana, Michigan, Rhode Island, Vermont, South Carolina, Oklahoma...

...a guy from Kentucky with his finger scratchin his brain by way of the short cut through his nose

....a "bug masher" (driving rock star bus) from Washington State

........3 people smoking with their windows cracked, 2 people smoking with their windows closed shut tight, one of those with passengers in the car.

........a mom with stuff slammed shut in the back hatch of her van, hanging out dragging the ground, while she crams a big brownie into her mouth and picks crumbs off her shirt and pants while driving

........a super skinny guy cramming a Hardees $6 burger that cost him $12 wrapped in a silver wrapper into his mouth.

..... a gal with a huge pink rabbit hanging from her rear view mirror

.....3 vehicles that say "wash me"...that would include mine, thanks to Z and his buddies at church......mine used to say in the dirty windows "WWJD," then they added a question mark to that and wrote "Wash His car lady!"

.....the fuzz pulling somebody over

.......the fuzz helping a Mexican girl with a tank top, high heels and spandex pants standing in the median cause her car apparently overheated and she needed to get out of the fast lane.

...... a "NOBAMA" bumper sticker

......a car with 14 bumper stickers, that I couldn't read cause I'm half blind and no matter how hard I tried, I could not read a single one of them. It is my theory that liberals like to put bumper stickers all over their bumpers. So I can confirm my theory regularly if I can just read them.

......saw a rectangle rainbow (I'm gay) bumper sticker

.......2 Little Debbie trucks with oatmeal pies & swiss rolls plastered all over the sides for me to salivate over and wish I wasn't overweight so I could eat the world whenever I wanted.

....passed these billboards:

Mrs. Lamarr Physic Reader
Beat the bottle
Get out of debt
My moms smoking is killing me(with a pitiful child on it)
"Ideal Image" laser hair removal
Adult superstore - "The South's Largest"
Some car wreck attorney
Hooters....of course

.....nice huh?....these got me to thinkin that as a whole we must be pretty bad off to need to have this stuff advertised on a bill boards up and down the highway......

(now you can go back to the "Action" song and disco a bit before you leave the blog, if you absolutely have nothing to do but disco you can finish that up with I'm justa love machine)