....after I slept off all my evil.....

I am about to get my life put back together.  I hope.

This is an attempt to catch us all up to speed for the past month. It may take a few blogs though.

Amy- I have been doing my thing driving all over Hell and creation in auto-pilot as usual for this time of year.  Six or seven days a week we are going somewhere at some point during the day.  I just try to breathe my way through each day knowing somehow it all gets done.

I am still exercising my butt off....or should I say my butt on, cause nothing is still happening....on the scale anyway.  I have taken about 10 of the 16 Power classes that I need to take at at the gym in order to get the free t-shirt that labels me as a weight lifter...sort of, in my eyes anyway.  I am surely getting more muscles.  I can see a bulge in my arms where there has never been one before in my life.  My butt actually looks round like a butt should look, instead of just fading into my thighs.  My stomach is certainly more flat than it was and my pants are fitting much better and some are even a little big or too big.

The problem here is that my scale is sabotaging me.  So I had D hide it so that I could only weigh on Sundays.   The first Sunday I weighed 189.  D was happy for me cause I was finally in the 180's.  I wasn't, cause I knew the moment I ate a piece of ice I would gain 3 pounds.  He scolded me for not enjoying that small victory. In my mind I have been this place so many times that I truly am not in the 180's till it is a consistent number.

I was not too discouraged however.  I gave myself a year to do this right and I have been sticking to it.  I rarely cheat and I exercise 5 to 6 days a week 40 minutes or more.  So this past Sunday I was excited to weigh because I ate especially well chosen foods that week.  I knew I had pushed myself doing the exercise and I was hoping for a 187 minimum.

The scale said 190.  I became so angry inside that I thought I might grow some devil horns that would surely expel a blazing fury so hot they'd burn the roof off my house.  I controlled it though the best I could.  I left the bathroom, went to make coffee and get the kids moving.........and then the evil tidal wave of death and destruction that likes to throw stuff when I am infuriated hit me.

So I marched right back to the bathroom where D was blowing his hair dry, picked up the scale, stomped back to the front door, stepped out onto my front stoop, and I launched that scale as far as I could with my new arm muscles "that weigh more than fat."  I meant for it to bounce on the ground and bust every spring and gear inside of it.  On the first bounce as it hit the ground I felt a minuscule amount of satisfaction.  I wanted to throw it one more time but I refrained cause I knew I was going to church in a couple hours and I needed to get rid of this evil in me before I could praise the Lord properly for the good things in my life.

The kids get up.  D comes out of the bathroom to eat breakfast.

D- Where's the scale?

CB & Sky - She threw it in the front yard.

M- You threw the scale in the front yard?

CB- Yeah she did!  It went way over there see?!

D- (looking out the breakfast nook window) Nice distance.

A- I threw it into the front yard. Yes I did.  If anybody brings that scale back into this house I swear bad things will happen to you.  I don't know what they are, but don't test me.

When I left for church the idiot scale was in the front yard.  When I came home from church the idiot scale was in the front yard.  When I came home from the gym the idiot scale was not in the front yard.  I was so mentally exhausted from my emotional torture of weighing that morning, only to find all my good eating and exercise had been in vain....months and months of not eating delicious morsels of goodness, shin splints that wake me up in the middle of the night, sweating, sweating, sweating, pushing, pushing, pushing....only to still weigh 190....I took a bath and went to bed at 6:30pm and didn't get up till 7:00 am the next morning.

BUT, not BUTT, but.....BUT, during the Power class at the gym I had likened myself to this fairly big woman in the class, like we were equals in weight.  I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at the gym and I noticed that I didn't look her size at all.  I mean I was still bigger than I need to be of course, but I wasn't as big as I perceived myself to be by the number on the scale.  The scale doesn't change the fact that I can feel and see a muscle in my arm that has never been there before.  It doesn't change the fact that some of my pants are too big now, not all of them, but some of them.  Those are my small victories, that I should thank God for.

I am going to choose to dwell on those things.  So I can be thankful in all things to God for giving me endurance and patience to persevere when my flesh wants to quit, the spirit in me is still willing to keep my temple, in which Jesus resides, clean and healthy.

I am not going to weigh anymore.  My sister in Christ, Sarah, told me I should pick out a pair of pants I want to get into and use those as a gage for my success. I think that is the better way to go for me.....for my family too.

I found this note hanging out of my drawer where I keep my exercise wear in my closet the morning after I slept off my evil. ( you can click on this pic to get a better view if need be)

My heart overflowed and spilled all over the place with love for this oldest son of mine.

I CAN DO all things through Christ who strengthens me...... Philippians 4:13


*

Hey! Somebody kicked over my ant hill!!.............

Dear Blog,

I am tired of settling, it's exhausting. The choice for one to settle is their own. That's why so many folks have dreams that never come to fruition.....because they settle. I have recently determined myself to not settle. I deserve better than that in the name of Christ. He didn't ask me to live half baked.

He told me to look at the ants and how diligently they work and stay focused.

“Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise.” (Prov. 6:6, RSV)

You know how when you flip up a rock or a piece of wood, or just flat kick an ant hill, they all run about? Disruption in their work = chaos....within just a few minutes though they get right back at the task of life rebuilding. Kick an ant hill, in an hour it's looking pretty close to what it looked like before....... because of rebuilding.

“Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise. . . . She prepares her food in summer, and gathers her sustenance in harvest” (Prov. 6:6, 8).

“The ants are a people not strong, yet they provide their food in the summer. . . .” (Prov. 30:25).

They do things in steps, not all at once.

While these verses speak about being lazy and procrastination, they also speak to me about rebuilding when my spiritual walk has been kicked about and scattered, disrupted. I guess I need to take a look at the ants and their diligence in getting back on track.

The ants get severely agitated at the invade of their abode and even bite sometimes when they have been messed with. The agitator quickly runs away.

.....I have so been there lately. Severely agitated at letting the temple of my soul become invaded by the distractions of the world and the thing I call church, that I have "bitten" people and even "bitten" myself. I have infected myself with my own poison trying to control things that God normally handles for me.

So I am going to start the rebuilding of my spiritual life. One piece of sand at a time, just like the ants.

More prayer time.

Better study quality.

Accessing God's grace for my iniquities and for others I need to forgive.

Not holding myself accountable for others actions, but holding steadfast to the knowledge that I don't need to chill out..... but I need to buckle down and hold fast.

Allowing myself to hear Gods guidance and not feeling guilty if it isn't the popular choice.

Having had my hill kicked over is not a normal feeling for me. Running about in desperation trying to put my spiritual house back together on my own isn't something I have done in a very long time. I can honestly say, trying to do it on my own has really sucked. I am done with that now. I won't allow myself to feel false guilt anymore. It's destroying my real ability to access the God who built my house to begin with.

While some may feel the need to run around doing whatever they please...... having their course set before them but choosing their own path as better.......accessing no guidance for fear they may have to really work...... loving the life of chaos instead the one that heaps direction and blessing...........

.......I don't feel that need to participate anymore....and I won't. It doesn't bring me joy and I don't feel the love of the Lord. I cannot live without feeling the love of the Lord, It's like my breath to stay alive.

I choose not to settle and suffocate....but to separate and be loved fully and completely for obedience to the God who has NEVER failed me.

When I have turned my back, to walk my way, He grabbed my arm sternly and said. "No! Your path is this narrow one here, get back on it."

As soon as I determined myself to do the hard thing and be face to face with my savior....I felt hope & purpose. My ability to suck in some grace became instantly easier.

I know the one who strokes my weaknesses is furious, discouraged by my choice, and will eventually turn and run away....

Hope and purpose are my first two pieces of sand......

If you buy a lottery ticket yer goin to hell........

This may burn yer eyes & make you feel uncomfortable, it will probably irritate you a bit, so consider yourself warned.

This heaviness on my heart must come out, so I can be done with it.



Our pastor preached on what a friend looks like at church this past Sunday. What you should look like and what they should look like when the word "friend" is used. Generally speaking a friend should lift you up in every way.

I can dig that.

It just got me to thinkin though. Sometimes you have a friend who doesn't do that. It isn't that they drag you down they just want to hold one to such a standard that it excludes instead of includes.

okay, stay with me....so quite a few of my friends, and I do mean friends, are church hopping. You know, checking out some other churches. Truth be told for a wide variety of reasons, not any certain one, though some would say differently.

I have this one friend who visited a church not to far from ours. The church is non denominational and their motto is something like this:

We are Christians, just not the only Christians

That really resonated with me because, presently I am a Baptist, Southern Baptist to be exact. They can be pretty exclusive from the inside out. I mean they genuinely want folks to be saved for sure, but once you have been there a while and yer serving tight neck and neck, your standard better match theirs or one might feel judged by those who need to be judged by themselves. Not necessarily at our church, cause I was a Baptist before I married D for a bit when I was younger, but I see it at ours also at times. I am pretty much right on the money with their beliefs so being a Baptist is really pretty easy for me. In my heart of hearts though I am convinced I am non denominational through and through.

**Organized religion is a hairy thing. Like we used to be Methodist. Methodist say its okay to drink wine. When we lived out west, I didn't know a single Methodist that didn't drink wine. Were they drunkards? NO! ! They were good people loving, serving, studying, and worshipping the Lord. I met some wonderful people who fed me well spiritually in the Methodist church, both in South Carolina and New Mexico. One of those Christ honoring men in New Mexico, introduced my husband to the Gideon ministry.

BUT.....if you are a Baptist by golly & you drink wine, yer goin to Hell fool! It's okay to smoke or dip a little, but do not drink the dang wine.....and whatever you do, do not buy a lottery ticket, you will go to Hell.......this is severe sarcasm of course, but this feeling is prominent.

I have done both before and my relationship with God is as strong as it ever was. Am I a drunkard? NO!! Do I gamble away our finances? NO!! God loves me just the same and he hears my prayers. His love fills me to capacity constantly. I can't breathe without Him and He lavishes me constantly for seeking Him and being obedient even when it is uncomfortable.

In some dark secret place in my mind, where no one can hear me think..... I am thankful for the lottery cause I am hoping that my kids will get help from the state of TN for college money. My sister became a nurse on the GA. lottery and I am so proud of her. My parents could have never afforded to send her to the wonderful school she got her nursing degree from. It had and still does have one of the best nursing programs in the south.

**Methodist......like to sprinkle water and call their children baptized......no baby can say with their mouth's that they know Christ and confess to the world they are sinners. John the Baptist submerged Jesus and God said it was good. Baptism by submersion makes Biblical sense every day of the week to me. Baptist submerge, I am about that. D had to be submerged to join our church. He was sprinkled as a child and so were May and Zac. Both of them had to be submerged to join also. D said he was glad he was submerged, it was special and really meant a lot to him. Like wise so did May. I made Z wait a bit even though he was saved so he could fully understand the statement he was making to the congregation. When I was confident he understood, he was submerged. Baptism is a statement that you are born again in Christ and it is not a task to be completed to get into heaven.

**Like Communion, The Lords Supper....I hate the way Baptist do it. They read the Bible all monotone with no emotion at all, everyone eats the wafer, read the Bible all monotone with no emotion at all, everyone drinks the juice, it's over, what's next on the agenda for the service. They only do it like twice a year or something, it's rare whatever it is.

The Methodist get this right, in my opinion. When we were Methodist taking Communion was special, it was exciting, and reflective. They do it by intinction, can you say that with me..........i n t i n c t i o n.

The congregation would get into a single file line row by row with the ushers guiding them to the alter up front. The folks step in front if the minister who is holding consecrated fresh bread prepared a certain way. You pull a small piece off and partly dip it into the cup of juice. He says the verse all ministers say at Communion. The thing is while you are taking the Communion the person behind you lays their hands on you to pray for you. It's special. It's meaningful.

I have also done it by way of kneeling at the alter with 10 or so other folks. The minister and some other helpers hand out the wafers and juice say some verses to you and you take the Communion. The whole time the group next in line behind you lays hands, one for one, to pray for the person receiving the Communion. When your group is through, you get up and they kneel and the people behind them pray for them and so forth. It's very nice and causes one to pause and think of Christ appropriately. They take Communion once a quarter I think.

When I take Communion with my children at church now, it feels more like a ritual than a meaningful event. I miss the specialness of that.

The Baptist have an alter call every Sunday, Methodist rarely if ever have an alter call. How can one make a decision for Christ when you are not given the opportunity right in the Lords house.
If one is in the Methodist church and feeling the spirit move in them to make a decision, and then they leave the building....I bet Satan attacks them ferociously to sway them back to the thought process of, "What was I thinking, do I really need Jesus like that?" Alter call is very important to me in a church.

I do believe that more times than not drinking is a stumbling block, playing lottery when you cannot afford groceries & pay bills properly is bad, to get dunked or not get dunked, to sing hymns from a hymn book or rock out with drums, to alter call or not to alter call........

........I believe if one isn't hung up on those stumbling blocks, they have their own stumbling block that isn't as high profile.

Satan seeks your weakness no matter what it is and he strokes it gently and attractively, so you won't avoid it easily. You can pick and choose the ones you like and don't like & stand on yer corner going on about it, but deep inside Satan is stroking your weakness too. Especially if you are steadfast for the Lord, cause you, Christian, are gonna do Satan the most eternal damage. Let us not forget to stand on the corner and preach to ourselves also.

As a friend, I am not sure this is uplifting, I apologize a little, but not fully, cause it's a truth for me.

We are Christians, just not the only Christians.......

"Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others."...........Romans 12:4-5

To me, I am a part of a whole. I am 100% aware that my actions speak about Christ & I am accountable.

But, it is Christ who convicts me and not my religion.

I can't wear church clothes because they hold me accountable for road rage.....

I was writing this blog a long time ago, that I never finished, about how people act different when they wear their church clothes.

Like when I was the director of Sparks last year, for example. It was a Wednesday and I had errands to run. I didn't want to wear my red polo Sparks uniform shirt all day cause if I had road rage or something then I would be held more accountable, never mind the "Hard Core Jesus Freak" Harley Davidson style sticker stuck on the back window of the van. Just Kiddin.........sort of.

I sometimes would wear the Sparks shirt and use it as a witnessing tool when I would do my shopping cause people always ask you about it when you wear it. It's a no brainer if you are on your "A" game with the Lord. Witnessing spills out effortlessly. But if you are having a bad day and you have the shirt on and you are on your"D" game with the Lord, then it might not be so good.

So anyway I wore a pink shirt, this long, off white, shaggy sweater thingy & I had my hair in a banana clip, this particular Wednesday. Cause at that time I was on my personal mission to bring back the 80's, I'm over that phase.........sort of.

The little Sparkies(K-2nd grade) at first didn't recognize me. They thought I looked so "pretty." All night they kept saying nice things about how I was dressed. It was funny to me that they perceived me so differently outside of a red polo with my hair down.

Throughout the year I had given away kindness coins to kids who were exceptionally well mannered, followed directions well, or showed some kind of exceptional kindness towards another. This one little boy said, "Ms. Amy you look so pretty, I really like your hair and sweater, but I am really just saying this to get a kindness coin." I'm like, you just blew it dude. I told him, "If you want to get a coin sometimes you have to leave off a little bit of the words, like the part about I'm just saying this to get a coin...." But I did tell him honesty is a good thing.

So anyway......It just came up to me again that my family always looks different once we get to church than the way we look at home before. We behave differently.

The kids, almost every Sunday morning, fight & carry on in my bathroom, though we have two, over who is using which sink to brush their teeth. They argue who will take the dog out before we go, getting into the car & on the way to church. Almost every Sunday I have to tell them not to talk to each other anymore or I am going to put one or two of them out of the car & make them walk home. I have actually pulled over and pretended to unbuckle Sky and/or Cole. That effect lasted a long time, it resulted in good behavior in the car for a while.

I swear I think that is the work of the devil so that we'll be in the wrong frame of mind when we walk into the Lords house to worship. I am not swayed though. The more they argue and fight the more I determine myself to stay calm and over come the battle so that I might thank Him properly.

The moment the van door slides open in the church parking lot, smiles galore, oh we are the happiest little family, getting ready for church and the drive over was nothing but furry bunnies, pink floating hearts, and rainbows I tell ya. The birds start singing, the air is twinkling around us with glitter (insert record scratch).......whatever, my insides are a mess.

Why is it that people do that? Wear their facade.......I can't stand that. I do really try to be transparent. Cause my relationship with God is what it is, it isn't my clothes, or my thou saith's, or the Bible translation I use. It's just me. I can't be bothered with that piddly stuff, it takes to much work and it's way to tedious. I view those things as obstacles, and I don't even entertain them.

I am seeking to make my kids real. So that when folks look at them they don't see a facade relationship with God, the kind they put on, on Sunday, and take off after church. I am steadfast about the business of keeping them on the narrow path. I don't really give a rats tail about what people think we should look like. I mean it, I don't give a rat's tail!!!!

I am up to the challenge of bringing up real God lovers who look real to others, accessible. Who can say the name of God and not feel afraid of stereotypes put on Christians and how they should look & behave.

Cause here is a truth....just because folks go to church every Sunday, don't make them perfect. They are real, just trying to get it right, and be better for it. Christian families, argue, they stumble in bad decisions and then have to clean it up just like other folks.

The difference is we(Christians) have access to hope, grace, & forgiveness that compares to no other, it's not a facade. I live it every Sunday, and every day after that..........

I hope when you look at me, you don't see a facade.

I hope you can see Christ in me.

I don't always get it right, but I do seek to make it real and accessible.