Thursday, November 26, 2009

On this day last year, I was loving my dad fully..........

I didn't even have a clue of the gift God had laid out for me as I went about my day.

..........but I surely do now.

Happy Thanksgiving Poppy, I miss you so much

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Wait! My pecker fell off...............

Grandma Carol, King David's wife, had been gone for 3 months.

Things were just not right in the universe.

It's weird cause sometimes us neighbors don't get around to seeing one another as often as we would like. We travel to see our families, or have family in town or we are all just plain busy. But there are still certain comforts about being home and seeing each others lights on. I know all of my surrounding neighbors fairly well. When I am walking the dog at night and I am taking in all the stars, looking at the Milky Way and what not, I notice the neighbors lights on inside of their houses. It's a comfort to me. People I care about are in their homes, doing whatever they do at this time.

For so long Grandma Carol, as my kids call her, wasn't there. King David was there, but she wasn't with him. The first month was normal, the second month was getting not normal, the third month I believe he longed for her to come home badly........and so did I, for him....and for me too..... so my good feeling would come back on my late night walks with Jenny.

She finally made it back home a little over a week ago or so. She brought her 94 year old mom, who is sharp as a tack, to live here with her and King David. Every time I have seen her this past week I feel like I am in a dream. I love that she is home. I love that she and King David are together where they should be after more than 50 years of marriage.

All that to say, this is how I know all is well in my universe again......I put my Christmas lights up early this year. King Davids son...we'll call him The Prince, drove the two women back in the rock band tour bus.

The Prince had a grand time relaying to me it was to early to put up lights and ragging me out a bit. When May and I had almost finished it was getting late, like about 8:30 or something......

Out of the darkness what did I hear from across the way, with grand echo from the bluff and bouncing off the lake water...........but King David, The Prince, Grandma Carol, Her brother-in-law, and her 94 year old mother......singing to me,

"We wish you a Merry Christmas, We wish you a Merry Christmas, We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!"........laugh, laugh, laughing

SO FUN!!! Hilarious to me!!!

My universe was furry bunnies, rainbows, and pink glittery floating hearts.......



M & Z playing with some shoe inserts that one would use to make sure shoes held the proper form in the toe area.

They had them on their mouths pretending to be birds pecking one another, laughing and having a grand time trying to maintain the things on their faces while pecking one another...........they surely must have been bored.

M- peck, peck, peck,......peck, peck......OH WAIT! My pecker fell off........

(cricket cricket cricket....silence)


Z- Maysie,(laugh, laugh, laugh) don't say that (laughing, laughing and more laughing) say your beak (Laughing and more laughing).


CB kissing my cheek while I check email and giving me super sweet hugs....

CB- Mommy, you my cutie pie

Email??? What email?



M, Z, & S in the kitchen doing spelling

M- Mom is a Pedagogue a teacher?
A- I think so look it up, that's what they want you to do, if you don't know it....look it up....
Z- Pedagogue?! What kind of word is that? It sounds foul... It hurts when you get hit in the pedagogue.......

we all laugh..........

Monday, November 23, 2009

Ghetto Kindles Gone Wild, and so has my pinky......

Today I was in such a hurry to get out of the house and on the road, to get the kids some hair cuts........

so I hurried and jumped in the shower, hurried and dried my hair mostly, put on some lip gloss, and then so quickly put a bit of lotion on my dry face. In that order....lip gloss first like an idiot, then face lotion.....this way I was sure to smear lip gloss all over my face along with the lotion.

Oh yeah and this too......I was rubbing the lotion on my face so fast in a circular motion that my pinky finger with a stout finger nail on it, slid up my left nostril, almost to my brain and cut the inside of my nose like a knife. Instantly I felt sheer eye watering pain, that slowed my haste immediately.

Blood began to run from my nose was utter senselessness.

Who jabs their finger up their nose putting on facial lotion and bleeds like they have cut their whole nose off.

uuuuuuuhh, me.....

My nose is still raw or something inside.

I was telling D I wanted a Kindle. You know, one of those gadgets you read books on that is not really a book. D is really good at finding the deals on the web so I thought he might locate a used one or maybe some off the wall great deal that I could not find. He started searching and saw this guy on YouTube who claimed he could turn a lap top or netbook into a kindle.

The idiot basically configured his lap top screen vertical and ran some other whacked out application....and then held his laptop like he was reading a menu.

I was embarrassed for him. I really believe he is a first rate idiot (right along with me cause I jabbed my finger up my nose putting on facial lotion). I mean could you see people sitting in the airport, waiting room at a doc's office, or coffee shop with their lap top turned sideways like a large menu??? Before I would do that I would just use the laptop like it was supposed to be used and read from the dang screen like you are SUPPOSED TO FREAKIN DO!!

I know I can be so cynical and sarcastic sometimes......but really this guy was serious. It was just an inadequate idea. He aired his incompetent idea on YouTube for the world to see.

All that to say....D said I could have a Kindle.......a "Ghetto Kindle".......he would just turn HIS laptop side ways for me and I could read it like a menu..........eeeeesh

Now I don't want one anyway, cause DAG GONE!! They are so dag gone expensive!! I will take a $6 used paperback everyday of the week over a $400 reading device......and I'll totally skip the ghetto kindle.


I am still unnerved by the commercials being ran on Fox News for

I am about to write Fox News and ask them if they are so darn conservative, why are they promoting extramarital affairs?! You know the world is going to hell in a hand basket when it's okay to run a business for having affairs and ADVERTISE THE CRAP ON FOX FREAKIN NEWS!! I am disappointed with them for being a "Pinhead."

The commercial I last saw showed this fellow in the bed with this overweight, messy looking woman. He was looking at her then at a liquor bottle almost empty. It gave you the impression he'd had a one night stand. He climbs out of bed with his shoes in hand and his pants, he's heading downstairs. The voice over says something like a one night stand in one thing but for the rest of your life.....really??? the man coming down the stairs spies his wedding photo with the messy woman, and he looks like he can't believe he married her. Then the voice over again spews out the web site logo as if they are there to help out.

I actually went to the web site, they claim to have "over 4,790,000 anonymous members."

It's sick to think this is what marriage has come to. A casual commitment on paper.
What is wrong with people???

What is wrong with Fox News???!!!

I mean this whole thing reminds me of when Girls Gone Wild was on every channel, every commercial after a certain time of night....including THE WEATHER CHANNEL!! I remember nursing Sky late at night and you couldn't see a commercial that was not Girls Gone Wild, with pothead Snoop Doggy Dog.

At that same time, dag gone Sesame Street had Pothead Snoop Doggy Dog on singing with the puppets. I was like, WHAT??!! He is a roll model??!! On Sesame Street??!! I was waitin for Elmo to bust a verse of Zoe Gone Wild at any given moment and yank her puppet shirt off.
What could that guy possibly have to offer the young children who watch Sesame Street? He could teach them how to roll one maybe, or how to wear your pants so your butt crack shows without lookin like a plumber but instead a cool gangsta.........Whatever........

.....Whoever put that fool on Sesame Street musta been high.

Whoever chose to air the commercials on Fox News is a loser.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

write it on the shower door fog..........

Here are some imbecilic gifts to get the imbeciles in your life.

Choice #1

"Do you have a hard time finding eco-friendly presents for loved ones? Well there is no need to get down in the dumps! Panda Poo Paper accessories are made from real droppings, gathered from Giant Pandas in China. They are 100% recyclable and don’t raise a stink… they are completely odorless!
Panda Poo Paper accessories include items such as greeting cards, scratch pads, and journals. Check it out and get your mind out of the toilet! A little potty humor never hurt a panda!
"..............pure idiocy

So they are shipping this from from China. How “Eco Friendly” are products shipped from half way around the world? Wouldn't they be just as bad if not worse than say...... something made locally??

Choice #2 (no pun intended)

"Its eco-friendly paper made from recycled elephant waste fibers, includes an informational pamphlet on elephants and the making of this product" case you are to small brained to understand how elephants make poops.......

"Features "The Great Elephant Poo Poo Paper Company Design," its Acid-Free, Lignin-Free; Plain, Recycled Paper Paper" has no bearing on whether it came from poops originally......the important thing here to understand is,

that they are "acid-free."

PLUS they come in pink and blue poops colors too!!

They must feed the elephants Lucky Charms and Trix.....cause you know your body doesn't process all that dye and those cereals will turn your poops bright green or some wicked unnatural color. It's true. Once my mother-in-law called me to the room to see Sky's poops in the toilet because she had eaten Lucky charms at her house, cause I don't by that crap at my house, cause my people only eat the charms........anyway the poops was neon green, I swear. I shoulda scraped it out and made some cards with it.....who freakin knew it would be so earth friendly to do that........

I am crazy about elephants, penguins & turtles right now....but come on.

If you just can't get enough poops
here's the web link
to get the real scoops

cheesy pun intended......

choice #3

The Droodle Waterproof Notepad.....

"It works great! It's a great way to leave love notes to your spouse if you share bathrooms as we do. Also great way to memorize scripture verses. Thank you." - Guy Cangelosi (tape the scripture on yer mirror dude, read it when you dry yer dumb hair)

....says the testimony on the site for this must have total waste of cash.

Who freaking just cannot wait till they get out of the dumb shower to write a note. I know we all get thoughts in the shower. But really...... isn't life busy enough without multitasking in the shower.

I mean, women already have to condition our hair while we shave. We have to scrub & exfoliate our faces while we rinse out the conditioner, while trying not to step on Hot Wheels. Now we are supposed to read a love note from our spouse too......eeesh, it's too much.

If D needs to leave me a note, let him write it on the shower door fog and when it re-fogs up when I take a shower I will read then.....its free.

They also suggest you can use it at the pool..........whatever.

Cause when have you ever been swimming, having a great time, and whipped your notepad out of your sewn in underwear in your bathing suit....only to find it was wet. DANG!! If you'd only had The Droodle.


Went to see Handel's Messiah with Sarah at Farragut Presbyterian Church. It was beautiful. The UT Chamber Singers & UT Chorale mixed with Presb. church choir and the UT Orchestra, simply fab!!!! Then we went for some Starbucks. It was a super way to kick off the holiday season.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

its Free Day at the zoo, not Get Freaky Day at the zoo

Went to free day at the zoo, one week ago today.

We walked our fool butts off. Last year we went and it was sort of showering on and off, but not to bad and we parked fairly close. I knew it would be bad this year when we were driving down the highway and 10 miles before the zoo exit traffic was backed up.

D used the GPS my mom & dad bought him for Christmas last year. He was able to get us around it by going through some neighborhoods which was slammin and we went right in. But we still had to park in Kentucky and walk......

We did managed to catch a trolley on the way there. Walking back after we had walked for about 7 hours was not super fun.

The whole day was nice though (well tell about in a minute) cause we had absolutely nothing else to do on such a beautiful it was DANG FREE!! We were able to see the elephants closer than we ever had before.

Here is my list of "uuughs" about the day...

1. Despite not being deterred by all the traffic and crowd, CB had his butt on his shoulders as if he needed a nap as soon as we got out of the car. He started to jump up and down and throw a fit about riding in the stroller. We had packed a cooler with lunches, drinks, & snacks for the 7 of us that went, cause I wasn't thinkin about takin out a loan to feed us all. The intent was to push the heavy, callapsable cooler and then let CB ride after lunch when he'd be good and tired. No.... Whiny Butt Mcgoo (maybe we'll call him WB instead of CB) decided he wanted to ride and without asking nicely, throws himself on the muddy ground and acts like a moron. I had to pop his butt right off the bat to check his attitude about asking me politely for things.

2. We get in and the butterfly exhibit is closed CB wants to go in despite the doors are locked and me trying to tell him there are no butterflies in the exhibit. The exhibit can be clearly seen from the outside and he can see there are no people in the exhibit and he acts like a moron, the sequel, he is spouting off at me & disrespecting me blatantly.

So I calmly tell D to take the others on and I will catch up cause I plan to take him to the bathroom and spank his butt. He knows this and starts kicking his feet and screaming making a huge scene, pinching my hip. So I basically stop and pop his hand well and tell him to settle his butt down immediately or he and I WILL LEAVE the zoo with a quickness. He knows I am telling the truth cause I am really good with the follow thru, and since its free day I won't loose a dime if we leave. He and I have a good come to Jesus talk and he straightens his butt up for the rest of the day.....mostly

So later, near the elephants I see another mom pop her kid on the hand, basically for smart mouthing her and jerking away while she was speaking....the kid in my opinion needed his hand popped. But I thought it looked bad. I thought I must have looked bad to another parent, even though CB was obviously needing a butt whoopin. I felt suckish about how that went down.

Parenting is the hardest job EVER!!

3. We were coming close to the end of our day and SB, M & I are heading over to Kids Cove.
D had taken all the other kids over there while we looked at some Spanish Alligator or something. It was totally a regular alligator small version. So we 3 amigos are on our way.... out of the corner of my eye I see two men kissy kissy with each other holding hands waiting to get in the men's bathroom line. The one guy is younger, heavy set, bleach blonde spiked hair and he has them big'ol hole things in his ears. You know.... the kind you can see through their ears cause the holes are so big. His friend is significantly older with graying hair, much slimmer & shorter than the young guy. I am appalled.....cause kids and families are every where.

So here is my wanna be gay, be gay, fine, whatever. I swear, all day long I was at the zoo and did not see one heterosexual couple playing kissy kissy with each other. There were young couples, older couples, family aged couples....and so forth. In general it seemed, peeps were there to view animals on a beautiful day. I was discouraged by these two guys going on like they were in the privacy of their home. As a hetero couple D and I do not get freaky in public. I may kiss him goodbye occasionally, that's a quick peck and I'm off. These two guys weren't the quick peck if you get my drift.

So glad I didn't have Sky with me.......So glad M & SB didn't see it. Answering questions about sexual orientation or behavior is not what I came to the zoo to do.

Its Free Day at the zoo, not Get Freaky Day at the zoo.......

I love this picture......

Some folks got to feed the giraffe, super cool, I thought....

I wore my Sharpie shoes to the zoo, cause I had just finished them......they were a hit. Folks liked them and debated with each other behind my back whether I had bought them that way or did them myself till they finally would just ask. That was fun.

The heart shoe expresses that I am "covered by a love divine, child of the risen Lord, my heart is Spoken For"......(Mercy Me, Christian band)

The other shoe is..... just me. I like birds, trying to constantly attain peace, so I added Chinese characters, best I could, for the words that are important to me. The characters for faith were too difficult so I opted out of that one.

Sooooo, my(white) Nike's are now really My Nike's.........

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I just need a straw and a boat ..................

Twas the day before Wednesday

And all through the house,
Not a creature was dressed
With even a blouse

All the children were snug in winter pajamas galore
Hiding from mom so as not to do chores

The rain had made them lazy as sloths
My coffee had lost all but a spit of its froth

I threw on some clothing
In a hurry I did!
To Kroger, To Kroger I announced
To each kid

They shouted to me,
"No, no, we shall not go,
Leave at once or we'll step on your toe"
I left them, I did, determined to shop
At Kroger, in peace,
Oh what a grand thought

Past the Starbucks I ushered myself
To stick to the list and not buy the
Whole fresh flower shelf

I grabbed at organics,
And delved through the meats
I picked up family size
Of all sorts of treats

As I came to the dairy
My heart did but drop
I saw my true love right there in its spot

He called to me in his black and gold dress
"Pick me, take me, savour me I stress

I have been waiting for you
For 9 whole days
Hoping and waiting for you
To catch my gaze"

I ran to him, snatched him, I will not pretend
So crazy I was I grabbed two of his friends

You are mine! You are mine! So patiently I waited
I knew I would see you on the date Kroger fated

Oh Southern Comfort brand Egg Nog,
I love you I do!
I am yours, you are mine...
And two of your friends are too!!

The four of us we'll be happy together
We’ll sip and we'll gulp
Through all the cold weather

I'll try hard to maintain control
I will hide you from Zac
Who tries to drink you from a bowl

I'll not share with Sky
Who will surely fake cry
But I shall not give in
Even if she plucks the three hairs
On my chinny, chin, chin

Oh Egg Nog I am so glad you came back
This holiday season I thought I might crack

The smooth taste on my tongue,
The sweet slide down my throat,
Just need a straw and a boat
So that I might float
On the Great Nog Moat

You have brought in my holiday
You have brought me great gladness
I will not allow my scale
To weigh in with its sadness

Egg Nog season is officially OPEN!!

Fun Facts to Know and Tell: Southern Comfort Egg Nog is non-alcoholic, BUY IT!! DELICIOUS!!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

cause this is just what we do here at Montana Cafe..........

Me and May waxing her eyebrows for the first time....the video is funny and despite the amount of eyebrows on the paper, her eyebrows did look good...........

This was a Michael Jackson spoof video someone sent us from youtube and I recorded the kids watching...... the video is a bit grainy, but I couldn't figure out why and how to fix it.....

Monday, November 2, 2009

Who wants to ride in The Silver Bullet?...................

I have had my butt so busy these past weeks its not even funny. I know everyone is busy. I am not everyone though, I'm me.

I have had a drivers license since I turned 16. Personally I think it is a total mistake to give 16 yr olds a drivers license. They are idiot drivers with not a care in the world and believe themselves invincible.

Really I mean even adults think that too. We all drive around thinking we are not going to wreck our cars....whoops, but then you do. Its always the other persons fault too........ALWAYS.... especially when you are trying to explain it to your spouse.

So tonight......going to Lenoir City First Baptist Upward soccer celebration service with Zachary and CB in the car, I ran into this pest control guy who was talking on his cell phone. I swear we were easing up at the light for a right turn, he was a go....I applied the gas a bit, he apparently stopped abruptly, but I did not stop the easing up process and as I realized he wasn't moving I slammed the brakes and he applied the gas of his car. I bumped him just enough to make you want to give your own self a paper cut as punishment. Heads jerked and Z says, "GREAT MOM! I saw that coming all day long!!"
A- Well, why didn't you tell me for petes sake.
Z- you are the driver, pay attention
A- I was paying attention
Z- that's why you hit the man....
A- Z I hate to say shut up to you , but shut up (I get out of the car)

The Pest Control Man is already out of his white 4 door small sedan looking disturbed. I assess our situation and to my surprise it looks like there is no damage to either of our cars. To his surprise too!

I ask him if I made scratch
scratch B?, what about scratch C?

He wiggles his bumper which clearly looks loose & tells me that he had a wreck two weeks ago and that's from then he's sure. Pest Control Man tells me he thinks we are good. I am thrilled, he is thrilled and we part ways. I tell him I am on my way to church and I am going to praise God and he tells me to praise God a couple times for him too.

back in the car...........

Z- No damage?
A- My tag from Grayson is messed up but who really cares about that anyway? I should get one like Nana has that says "Nana's ride" anyway.
Z- Thank goodness, I thought we were going to be late. Can you please not hit anything else on the way to church?
A- again....shut up Z
Z- Are you going to tell Dad?
A- Why do you always ask me the undeniable questions so quickly, can't I revel in my joy that my car is okay and that I get a new front tag before I have to waller in the pit about telling Dad???
Z- If you don't tell him you are deceiving him.
A- Z, I am going to tell Dad cause the rule of law is, if I don't.... then something will turn up wrong with the car and I will have to tell him anyway....then it will be worse cause I didn't say sooner......and here's another good thing I can tell him, I already have an eye doctor appt scheduled for Thursday, so I got that base covered too.

It just wasn't all that, CB was taking a nap and never even woke up.

Z rides skittish with me for the rest of the night.......making wise cracks about my driving skills. He couldn't wait to get home and spill it.

The problem is..... I really have hit our own cars or someone else's cars with every car I or Derrick has owned since we have been married, I swear, I am not boasting, I am just sayin that's all. I hit two of D's cars with one car on the same day when we first got married.

Once, I backed into his white truck in the snow..... cause in my mirror it looked white like everything else.

I even backed into our stucco house once in Santa Fe and he had to fix it.

I backed all the way down the side of that same white truck one other time cause I pressed the gas instead of the brake.

When we moved to TN..... in like one month I backed into 3 different cars at Turkey Creek. None of them were big deals thank goodness, sort of like the one I had tonight. Lucky for me too, the people whom I backed into were all present except one whom I hunted down.

He was a worker in a Radio Shack or something. He was an idiot and was going to tell me I did some damage that was way rusted. I was like..... look you greasy, teenage, pimple chin, freak, that is rusted, try again. No damage. Plus, he was dang parked crooked in two spaces trying to protect his rusted piece of low rider crap. I should have backed all over it on purpose and put it out of its misery.

Maysie got to where she was afraid to ride with me. All the kids had gotten to the point where they would all watch the windows and help me back up.

Before I leave my house, D constantly tells me not to back into Big Red (his Ford F150) "red means stop" it means "bullseye."

So D has told me I have a depth perception problem. I used to get aggravated with him when he would say that. But I have resigned to that he must be telling the truth. I slam glasses down on tables, run into crap, God help me if I am wearing my glasses and I have to walk down a curb or some steps it is pathetic. I look like I might be drunk.

I was at the ball field once and was walking on this knoll talking to this woman I didn't know very well. My brain was trying to say a name that was tricky and I got tongue tied a bit then dang'd if I didn't miss step on misjudgement of the knoll. I was high stepping as I was unsure how far away the ground was to catch myself. It's funny for me to think how I must have looked, but her face was like, do you have a problem lady? I am not sure I want to be hangin out with you to long.....

I tried to explain the depth perception theory to her.....made me look like a moron. I just had to stop and hope to make a better impression on her later.

We are down to about 5 tea glasses out of 15 I bought cause I knew I would break some. My glass pitchers are dwindling quickly. I am gonna go and discuss the possibility with an eye doctor Thursday.......cause I just don't have enough crap to do right????

So tonight my people made a jolly sport of reminiscing about my driving skills.....D reminded me that I had even wrecked his lawnmower.

May reminded me that I misjudged some stuff in the garage Saturday and fell over her bicycle and broke off her kick stand when I fell into the throng bicycles and scooters.........a collage of bruises.

I admit I am not really the best driver I guess. I do, however, make an honest effort not to ride folks bumpers, cause I don't want to wreck my car by misjudging the distance. Even tonight Z said I was not riding Pest Control Mans bumper. I would have gotten a ticket though. I have had a lot of those too.

So I need a new tag for the front of my car, we call her "The Silver Bullet."
I call myself "Dumpy Mcgoo" so May says I should get that or "Big Momma's Ride"

Maybe I will just get one of those ambulance stickers that you can read correctly in your rear view mirror when they are coming up behind you that says "Ambulance"........

........except mine will say, "If you can read this, brace yourself"...........