Friday, July 31, 2009

It's FRIDAY & I'm gettin outta dodge.......

(Smiley fry in honey mustard with ketchup pupils & tongue....home school Art class mixed with a little Home Ec.)

Headin to Atlanta for the weekend......I gotta guest blogger coming in soon.

Wait for it......wait for it.......wait for it.........

"The Jenny Chronicles"

Monday, July 27, 2009

I was sitting there and it exploded......oh wait, I think I can hear some ringing or something......

This morning I hacked up my apple tree to punish it for not putting out the quality & quantity apples it put out last year. The apples are ugly and disgusting looking because they want to be fed chemicals, which neither D nor I put onto the tree to keep it free of disease and bugs.

Because I was on massacre in my own insanity from lack of sugar in my coffee this AM, I hacked up my oak tree and my willow also. I felt much better afterward, though they did not. I did put some tree bandaid on them though, cause I love that stuff.

I was also informed by Pappy it is the inappropriate time to trim trees, which I already knew. I always trim my trees at the wrong time and they are always fine, in fact they look pretty dang good I think.....beside if one dies I will just plant another one.

So what..... they look disturbing right now, they will look wonderful by next spring....they always do.

After I had taken disciplinary action on my apple tree I headed in to take a bath and clean up.

This is how it happened....

May following me around the house talking - so yeah, dad taught me how to test the tire pressure on the bike tires and then fill them up with the air compressor. So now Dad says I am one up on Zach. I just need you to show me how to change the pieces on the air compressor.

A- Why now? I am fixin to take a bath.
M- I want to ride bikes with Zach.

...I go & show her how to change the pieces and leave to take a bath.

.......I'm in the tub and in comes May...

M- The stupid tire won't blow up, the little air thingy keeps going inside the the tire when I put the air on it.
A- You aren't pushing the piece on right
M- yes I am, it won't go
A- I will look at it when I get out
M- (sigh & Huff)
A- What?! I am taking a bath!......can't you wait? What am I supposed to do, get out of the tub naked and go put air in the bike tire for you?! (I resume washing my hair)

M- I am just going to try again myself ( I don't hear this because I am washing my hair) comes Cole as usual stripping off his clothes to get in also. Cole agrees that if he gets to bathe with me he has to take a nap when he gets out.

He is splashing around and I am bathing (!POP!)

C- What was that in the garage, Mommy?
A- I don't know probably Maysie & Zach bumping into the wall or something. (I should have said oh, that is just May blowing her face off with the air compressor and bicycle tires) comes May, looking like this....

and shaking.....

M- I just popped the tire and I can't hear, Oh wait.... I can hear a little, well there is this ringing.....but I don't know why it popped because there was no air in it when I checked the pressure. It said zero, then it said 25 and then it exploded.

A-(I am concerned about her ear, but at the same time about to bust out laughing cause she is so wigged out and rambling on about her Manny, Moe, and Jack tire pressure skills)
May the tire just exploded?

A- You weren't putting air into the tire when it exploded?
M- No
A-May that is stupid, and makes no sense....I was just sitting there staring at the tire and it exploded,'re lying you were touching it.

M- No I wasn't I just checked the pressure and I put just a tad more in and I was cleaning up the tools and there was hissing or something and then it exploded. Stop laughing at me, it isn't funny! Have you ever blown up a tire?

A- No, but May you are so worked up it's ridiculous, go have a coke or something and settle down it's not all that, why didn't you wait for me to get out? Besides don't try to make this all about me, I can get my own self into trouble with out you reminding Dad I have done something bad before.

M- Are you going to tell Dad?
A- Yes...cause it's funny, you can hear now right?
M- Yes, why do you have to tell him?
A- because I have to tell him we need a new tube or something, I don't know about bike tubes and I don't want to learn about them either. (I am dried off now and dressed) Let me go see what kind of damage you have done......

(in the garage, I see it just needs a new tube)

A- yeah, it just looks popped and it stinks in here too
A-uuuuuhhh because you BLOWED up a tire
M- pleeeaase don't tell Daddy. See how good this other one looks that I did (pointing at the back tire)

A- May, it's a dang bicycle tire, I'm tellin dad, cause I am the one who always does stupid stuff and now it is someone else, so it is a done deal.

Oh yeah..... and I yearbooked myself at and these are to funny not to share. This first one makes me laugh out loud a lot and hard!

Okay no joke...So sad, but true, in this one, I totally look just like my moms high school photo.....

Saturday, July 25, 2009

He was a stable man.......he never fell over....... conversation..............

D calling me from Walmart after he went to the bajillionth doctor this week......

D- Baby, (in total amazement) I am at the Walmart getting my prescription filled and you would not believe the bags of drugs they have hanging from the these little hangers. They are two and three rows deep on these hangers 100's and 100's of them....bagged, tagged, and ready for old people to pick up.

A- Wow.... Really?.....(cause I have seen the bags on the hangers before, 2 & 3 rows deep)

D- Yes!.........Babe, if Walmart goes out of business half of the worlds population is going to die. I am going to take a picture of this with my phone and send it to you. (and he does)


D complaining to me that I am never satisfied, because I am asking him questions about did he ask the doctor this and that......

D- I have been violated this week. I have had a woman run her finger up my butt (the "complete physical" for work he has to have every two years or so), our doc poked and prodded then sent me to this other woman who rubbed KY all over my belly (abdominal scan) and made me roll all over the table, some man has cut me & nearly burned me to death (dermatologist), the dental assistant tried to bleed me to death with her dental floss. I am done!! I would think you could be satisfied!........
....while she was snapping her gloves on telling me to bend over, I thought I'd fart on her and say (in a 100% South Carolina Accent) you wanna go in there now....Lord, it was awful (shuddering like a baby reliving the moment)

A- I mean really, was it THAT awful?! Come on, it just lasted a couple seconds....(cause in my mind I am thinking about delivering a baby....small outlet, big blob of infant baby

D- (conversation to graphic that I feel uncomfortable sharing it) his mind, a finger check, is like a baby........of course when I think of it myself, I feel grossed out totally. So this one we'll consider a mulligan.

Seriously, I would be over the doc visits also.


Maysie commenting on Zach's English final exam.....2 paragraphs about Abraham Lincoln.

M- have to use the word stable? Abraham Lincoln was a stable man........he never fell over.

(M & Z in the kitchen laughing ....and me too)


I got called for jury selection for this trial about these two hillbilly brothers who shot a police officer and a ride along friend who was not a police officer that were ...hear say........serving a warrant when they shouldn't have been. The brothers got stupid cause they were high on ganja, if you know what I mean, and started shooting up the place "protecting their right to privacy and their land." anyway, I decided to file a request to be excused cause I just don't have time for all that right now.

...but I am so stupid that I didn't read the subpoena correctly and filed the request a bit late, like 8 days before I was to go.

So I go down to the court house and drag Cole and May with me to verify that I have a baby in tow constantly. There are 180 folks in the court room with me and I am sitting on the front row beside a midget and old woman with dyed red hair that is clearly way to red for her age. She has red lipstick on her lips way past her lips, like up to her nostrils....she scares me and I think she scares the midget too cause he looked scared when he snuck a glance at her.....cause his eyebrows raised up & his legs kicked a bit cause they weren't touching the fact my legs kicked a bit every time I looked at her and my legs did touch the floor.

They take roll and I am not called.

Judge- raise your hand if you were not called
A -(raising my hand with about 4 other folks)
Judge- lets start with you because you are on the front row...
A- I may not be on the roll because I sent in a request to be excused.
J- Why did you send in a request to be excused?
A- I am a stay home mom of 4 that home schools. Seriously we have no family in town, so I have no other steady child care available.

The Judge and the court lady say simultaneously, "Oh you're the one with 4 kids" and they laugh at each other....and so do the other 18o people in the court room.

J- yes, we tried to contact you yesterday but were not able too, phone numbers or something didn't work out, but you are excused because under law if you are the sole care giver you are, under the law, able to be excused. You may stay with us today or you may leave now. (he smiles, cause he seems to be a super nice guy)
A- I am good to go if you are....(he smiles again and excuses me & I am outta there peeps)

......out in the hall CB is totally behaving and the ladies in the clerk window tell me how well behaved my children are. They give Cole two suckers and May one sucker and we scat.

I feel sssssoooo good. Not on the jury and my kids are well behaved. Cole gets some new Hot Wheels, May makes me promise again to get her some highlights "cause I owe her."

In the car I tell Cole, "Thank you for being such a good boy today, I am so proud of you."
C- you welcome mommy, at least I not in jail

Monday, July 20, 2009

take yer own hooters if you need them to make yer dinner complete........

Can someone please tell me why men feel like they must make a pilgrimage to Hooters when they find out a brother has never made the pilgrimage before.

When Skylar was born my men who were in town were determined to take Zachary to Hooters...and they did...they had his picture taken with Hooter girls! I'm like what little boy age 5 needs to go to Hooters to celebrate the birth of his baby sister?

...."Oh Amy, they have good food...."

uuuuuhhh no they don't

......"they have good wings"

uuuuuuuhhhh no they don't

I know this cause when I was in college Hooters was across the street from where I worked. I went there one day for lunch to see if they really had good food. I am just gonna say the wings reminded me of a dead chicken wing with some yucky orange sauce slathered all over it.

grody, Grody, GRODY!!

......."oh, well, their hanburgers are good"

uuuuhhhhhh no they aren' what men really mean is ....their hooters look good.

What makes those girls hooters look any different from the hooters that serve them dinner at their house every night is beyond me....hooters are hooters are hooters...

....."no they aren't Amy...not all hooters are created equal...."

uuuuuuhhh yeah they TN, the picture of the Hooters girls I saw.....average hooters....... and by the way, fake hooters don't count!

My hooters are bigger everyday, my shoulders have the strap marks to prove it, it's like hauling around two 1/2 gallon jugs all day.

The last time D went to Hooters was for a GIRL'S B-day party that he worked with. I was thinking what girl has her birthday party AT HOOTERS...she has her own hooters, why does she need to go there?

I am just gonna say, Wild Wings is just at Turkey Creek. If you really want good wings you should make a pilgrimage there. Take a date if you need hooters present for yer dinner to be complete.....and really, some men are fat as taters these days.....they probably don't need to take a date, they have their own hooters.....probably a little to graphic but true nonetheless.

So anyway....My whole point is King David went to Hooters and Caesar thought it was blog worthy, cause apparently his pilgrimage was fascinating and enlightening.

King David never once said to me the food was good. I know the man knows good food, we have discussed this numerous times.

King David just had quadruple bypass surgery & a new heart valve put in a few months back. I guess he must be feelin pretty good to contaminate his palate with some of their replusive food just to get this giddy with delight smile, in an 8 x 10 framed photo.

D told me when I went to hug King David hello, not to rub my hooters on him,....which I have to say, I thought was hilarious.....vulgar talking as it was.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

When I get home from work I will pee on it..........

wasp Pictures, Images and Photos

I hate bees.

One of the many things I am going to ask God when I get to heaven is what was the purpose of making dang bees.......

I mean couldn't He have made some birds to do pollinating or only made the honey bees.

I was mowing the grass yesterday and bumped the tire swing with the mower. There has been this wasp hanging around the tire swing, I knew it but totally forgot. I had told the kids not to be on the tire swing till I checked it out.

I had been meaning to kill the wasp.

Cause that is what I am good at....killing animals, and I never even have to use a gun.

When we lived in Santa Fe, NM we used propane gas. So you had to call this gal who was super nice until you crossed her. You would call her, tell her you need gas, she would get all your tank info and estimate how much gas it would take to fill up and you left a check under the lid.

No check= no gas.

It was a total sham. I ask her one day, suppose I use less than you estimate and I have the check already written, will you refund my money?

......too many questions and I crossed her. With her New Mexican accent she proceeds to tell me off , then doesn't send out a gas truck to fill us up. D calls her back, cause I am furious, she tells him off & hangs up on him. So D says something like if you don't listen to what I am going to say and you hang up on me again ....I am going to come down there and bust that door in and by God you will listen to me. She proceeds to tell D he is threatening her and she is going to call the police. We just wants some dang we can cook, bathe, and heat........

.....all this leads to the truck finally coming out and all parties agree that we'll not speak to one another any more. This thrills me cause I feel like I want to jack her up anyway.

So the truck finally comes nearly a week after I had ask the Santa Fe Propane Princess about my money and she chewed my butt out. At my front door I see this big Doberman Pincher staring in my front door, vertical, side window. I go to open the door to shoo him off .....he growls and shows me his teeth. M & Z are small children. I am thinking what the heck, this dog is showing me his teeth at MY front freakin door. I am going to kill it.

So I go and get D's pellet gun and I start to put the pellets in and pump, pump, adrenaline is pumping too, cause I am going to really shoot something and for a good reason. I shall not miss -you can put that in yer pipe and smoke it , the dog will surely be wounded.

I hear an engine though.... and I stop the maniac running through my mind shooting at a rabid dog.

It's the propane truck. I go through the garage and ask the guy if its his dog he says yes and proceeds to call him over. I tell him I almost shot him because he is showing me his teeth at my front door and I have two small children. The propane guy really doesn't care and lets his dumb crappin dog run wild in my garage were my kids are at.

The dog craps in my garage, I am thinkin ...Oh he'll apologize and clean this up......we're talkin a bit now and I realize this guy is the owner of the propane business we buy the gas from. So I fill his ears to capacity about the chick who answers the phone...and about what if we over pay do we get any of our money back if we don't use the amount of gas she estimates........

He is a total moron.......he apologizes for being late with the gas and then tells me " know?.... Santa Fe isn't really known for their customer service."

A- What?!
propane man - yeah, sorry....
A- You know if I owned this house I would have my husband roll this tank to the curb and you would loose this business. I guarantee you I will not refer people to use your business either.
propane man - (goes on about his business & small talk as if he hasn't heard me and leaves his dog crap in my garage.)

I almost picked that dog crap up with my bare hands and threw it at him. I had my temper on severe restraint. I thought I might actually grow some dang horns.

So all this to say I have come close to killing an animal with a gun, but I never have really went through with it. I bumped the tire swing yesterday mowing. The wasp comes flying out and KA POW!!!!! Right in my right forearm, nails me with a fat sting. I hadn't been stung by a wasp before so it took me by surprise. Lenny Kravitz was singing in my ear buds "I want to to get away, I want to get away, I want to flyyyyyy away...yeah, yeah, yeah."

Went inside called Sarah, she had nothin for me, kids were on the computer so I couldn't google it.....just about then D calls from work. I explain to him my dilema, he tells he will pee on it when he gets home. I opt out of that and just go for the ice cube.

So today, my whole right arm is killing me. Like I have carpel tunnel or something. It is pretty dang itchy too. I never did kill the stupid wasp.

I do that tomorrow, if I don't forget again.

Monday, July 13, 2009

it's like wrapping a small rubber band around a watermelon........... I was in the bathroom after dinner this evening tormenting myself by plucking out my eyebrows...I started to think why do I put myself through this torture? that I can do it again in three days, so that I can do it again in three more days.....

Plucking your eyebrows is the worst thing in the world, next to plucking off a big toe hair. Sometimes I tell the kids if they don't quit fighting I get to pluck a toe hair....fighting usually stops pretty dang quick. The funny thing is, if they don't stop then I get to sit on them and pluck it out as they squirm around; it sort of becomes a fun event for us all to see who will win....I always win.

I started thinking of all the ways women torture themselves, like shaving their underarms and legs. Not only is it something stupid to do since we were born with hair for a reason apparently, the reason we do it... is even more stupid. I shave my legs and underarms because my mother shaved hers, and her mother shaved hers, and her mother shaved hers......who started that freaking idiotic tradition?

Once I tried to wax my own legs. The box tells you to grow the hair on your legs to x,y,z, length so as to "get the best results"....that means so you will scream you head off in agony on the very first rip. Which is exactly what happened, I screamed my head off on the very first rip and then the second and third rip too...then I marched my butt right to the tub and shaved my legs with a razor....cause any woman who can do that to both of her legs fully is more of a woman than me every day of the week.

I mean like what maniac women thought, "Hey, you know....I am not uncomfortable enough, I think I will strap a super tight band around my chest to squash my breast....there..... now that looks better, flat boobs and man, these hooks digging into my back are AWESOME!" - better yet let me add some rigid wire to dig into my armpits and rib cage......

....once I was lamenting to Zach, of all people, about not being able to wait to get home and take off my bra it was killing my shoulders...and I said, "I am 100% sure some stupid man made a bra cause a woman would never create such an awful thing to torture". which once he re-lamented back to me, "You have to cut this liner out of this bathing suit it is killing me, I am sure that a woman must have designed the underwear lining in men's bathing suits because a man would never do this to another man".

I told him, "...probably pay back for the whole bra thing".

Do you know I have only shaved my upper thighs like twice in my whole life.

Don't get grossed out, it isn't all that.
The hair on my thighs is so baby fine and blonde as can be, you can not even see it. I have thought to myself, if I never shaved my legs.... would they be the same way?

Once, this gal who is a missionary told me that it can take up to two years for a woman who has been shaving her legs all her life to get a fine baby hair re-growth. She told me this because she was going to be in a place where shaving wasn't part of the culture and she was not going to be able to shave. This for some reason had never occurred to me about being a missionary......hairy armpits and legs........initially I thought uuuuuuuhhh GROSS!! Then in some secret place in my mind somebody screamed You Go Girl! BE FREE!!

I have to say too, freaking, I hate wearing a dang belt. If I can get away without wearing one, which is always, I don't wear no dang belts. My mom always wears a kills me, but her pants really will fall down if she doesn't wear one, so I don't rag her out about it..... too much.

Oh yeah, and pantie hose......NO DAG GONE WAY, I never wear that idiotic invention anymore. Unless I am going to a wedding or a funeral where I am going to see people I haven't seen in a long time......its like wrapping a small rubber band around a watermelon, forget it, not wearing those.

They have this other idiotic invention now for women called Spanx, I wear those instead. So does Zach, just & May tease him though about his baseball sliding shorts that he wears under his baseball pants (you have to put your cup in them & so forth) cause they look like sports Spanx for boys or Man Spanx ......Heck the way I see it, if I ever mess mine up I will just wear Zachs.....again, just a joke.

sooooooo I guess I will go and finish what I originally started....plucking my eyebrows out. I have had them waxed before...that is a total breeze, quick pain and its over.

....but I can barely carve out time for a hair cut, plus should I really pay someone to inflict pain on me? No, that's idiotic............unless I am going to a wedding or a funeral where there will be people I haven't seen in a long time.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

once......I ran over a chicken.......

Got a great new Starbucks cup with my Mother's Day gift card.

This cup makes me happy every time I use it. Filled with tasty good droplets of that sweet delicious drink that makes my body GO, GO, GO!!!!!!

It's Tennessee Orange and just a delight to hold with that great comfort grip sleeve.

It really is the small things that make my world go round.


These are the things I did not hit on Sunday on the way to church....a chicken, a chipmunk, a dog, a squirrel, and a guinea hen.

These are the things I did hit on the way to church.....two frogs and a it's Tuesday and this morning I hit a snake, but I didn't feel bad about that one.

I know running over a turtle sucks and I was disturbed by that. But dang, there were two in the road cause it rained and a car was coming in the other lane so I had to hit it.

One of the gals in my Sunday school class told me I just could have stopped and waited for the car to pass then go around. I didn't think of that though, cause I panicked cause I was running late for church. It has to be really bad if you run over a turtle.

I never hit a single animal until I moved to TN. I must have run over 5 squirrels, at least 10 stupid freakin frogs, snakes which I run over on purpose. I mean....I swerve to the other lane to run over them if I can do it safely. I have had an idiot dog run slap under my car as I was coming to a stop at a stop sign, thank goodness. He got bumped on the head under my car and then ran out. What kind of idiot dog runs under a car while it is passing? I have ran over a chicken and now I can add turtle to that awful list.

Oh yeah there was a fly massacre in my garage two weekends ago. I killed like, I don't know, 107, Z, & was quite the sport, and fun too. Flies are disgusting.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

this is an amazing slice of satisfaction.........

So, it is the 4th of July weekend.

Actually it's pretty exciting. Our neighbors have this big pig roasting thing going on. They did it last year and it was a blast. This year we are going in on the pig with them, so now it is a three neighbor event....which basically means more people attending and more FOOD.

D picked up the whole frozen dang pig yesterday after work and took it to King David's house for the freezer where they will babysit it and make sure it is the correct temperature till the 4th of July. Our other neighbor, we'll call "Caesar Dennis"(just to make him feel good) is handling the fireworks. He shoots them off the lake which is way cool and doesn't skimp on the finale, AWESOME!

What makes this whole event so cool is King David has all his children and grandchildren here so my kids have play mates for days. In fact, the boys are camping out in our yard tonight.....some of the girls are jealous.

My house will have 12 people in for the event, King David has up to 17 or more staying in his house(and our yard & in a big rock band tour bus thingy), the Groves have at least 12 peeps in their house, plus at least 5 other neighbors & family will be eating and attending on the 4th. It is just a wonderful time to have wonderful neighbors, enjoying each others company, food, swapping stories, swimming, boating, making memories, making new friends and watching awesome fireworks, celebrating our Independence!

I believe in my heart this event is the epitome of what the the 4th of July should be.

I remember last year, when they were getting the pig ready for the next days roasting on the pit, all the kids, the men, some of the women all gathered together down in King David's garage to watch the thing be tied up and prepared the night before. When all was dark around us, King David's garage was busy with life and excitement.

I feel blessed to live in our neighborhood, blessed to be so close to our neighbors, so that their families feel like our extended family. That my mom and aunt know our neighbors and have shared meals with them and they love my mom and care for her as much as we do. Derrick's dad has even got to have "man cave" time on Saturday morning with the men for their Saturday morning rituals.

Forever, as long as I live, I will never forget this time in my life. I will remember in my old age, God willing, this amazing slice of satisfaction.

Happy almost 4th of July!!!