Monday, July 13, 2009

it's like wrapping a small rubber band around a watermelon...........



.........as I was in the bathroom after dinner this evening tormenting myself by plucking out my eyebrows...I started to think why do I put myself through this torture?......so that I can do it again in three days, so that I can do it again in three more days.....

Plucking your eyebrows is the worst thing in the world, next to plucking off a big toe hair. Sometimes I tell the kids if they don't quit fighting I get to pluck a toe hair....fighting usually stops pretty dang quick. The funny thing is, if they don't stop then I get to sit on them and pluck it out as they squirm around; it sort of becomes a fun event for us all to see who will win....I always win.

I started thinking of all the ways women torture themselves, like shaving their underarms and legs. Not only is it something stupid to do since we were born with hair for a reason apparently, the reason we do it... is even more stupid. I shave my legs and underarms because my mother shaved hers, and her mother shaved hers, and her mother shaved hers......who started that freaking idiotic tradition?


Once I tried to wax my own legs. The box tells you to grow the hair on your legs to x,y,z, length so as to "get the best results"....that means so you will scream you head off in agony on the very first rip. Which is exactly what happened, I screamed my head off on the very first rip and then the second and third rip too...then I marched my butt right to the tub and shaved my legs with a razor....cause any woman who can do that to both of her legs fully is more of a woman than me every day of the week.

I mean like what maniac women thought, "Hey, you know....I am not uncomfortable enough, I think I will strap a super tight band around my chest to squash my breast....there..... now that looks better, flat boobs and man, these hooks digging into my back are AWESOME!" - better yet let me add some rigid wire to dig into my armpits and rib cage......

....once I was lamenting to Zach, of all people, about not being able to wait to get home and take off my bra it was killing my shoulders...and I said, "I am 100% sure some stupid man made a bra cause a woman would never create such an awful thing to torture".

....to which once he re-lamented back to me, "You have to cut this liner out of this bathing suit it is killing me, I am sure that a woman must have designed the underwear lining in men's bathing suits because a man would never do this to another man".

I told him, "...probably pay back for the whole bra thing".

Do you know I have only shaved my upper thighs like twice in my whole life.

Don't get grossed out, it isn't all that.
The hair on my thighs is so baby fine and blonde as can be, you can not even see it. I have thought to myself, if I never shaved my legs.... would they be the same way?

Once, this gal who is a missionary told me that it can take up to two years for a woman who has been shaving her legs all her life to get a fine baby hair re-growth. She told me this because she was going to be in a place where shaving wasn't part of the culture and she was not going to be able to shave. This for some reason had never occurred to me about being a missionary......hairy armpits and legs........initially I thought uuuuuuuhhh GROSS!! Then in some secret place in my mind somebody screamed You Go Girl! BE FREE!!

I have to say too, freaking, I hate wearing a dang belt. If I can get away without wearing one, which is always, I don't wear no dang belts. My mom always wears a belt......it kills me, but her pants really will fall down if she doesn't wear one, so I don't rag her out about it..... too much.

Oh yeah, and pantie hose......NO DAG GONE WAY, I never wear that idiotic invention anymore. Unless I am going to a wedding or a funeral where I am going to see people I haven't seen in a long time......its like wrapping a small rubber band around a watermelon, forget it, not wearing those.

They have this other idiotic invention now for women called Spanx, I wear those instead. So does Zach, just kidding.....me & May tease him though about his baseball sliding shorts that he wears under his baseball pants (you have to put your cup in them & so forth) cause they look like sports Spanx for boys or Man Spanx ......Heck the way I see it, if I ever mess mine up I will just wear Zachs.....again, just a joke.


sooooooo I guess I will go and finish what I originally started....plucking my eyebrows out. I have had them waxed before...that is a total breeze, quick pain and its over.

....but I can barely carve out time for a hair cut, plus should I really pay someone to inflict pain on me? No, that's idiotic............unless I am going to a wedding or a funeral where there will be people I haven't seen in a long time.




2 comments:

William said...

again, this is why I love you!

The Rare Amylesaurus said...

back at ya! Thanx for reading!!