Thursday, May 20, 2010

dead bird on the sidewalk...............

Monday brought us a dead bird on the sidewalk. The thing was mangled and horrible looking. Something had definitely gotten to it because its head was separated from its body. The little bird was bad off in a big way.

So skip to the kitchen table writing spelling words into sentences...words that I have never used in sentences my entire adult farina & cholera.

So May asked me what farina meant...

A- I have no idea honey, it sounds like another name for someones fat Italian cousin.

She has to use farinaceous in a sentence.

A- You are acting are acting like my fat Italian cousin

It really means ground corn, meal, spelt of grain.....whatever.

Then of course cholera, which means bile, yellow, green, any of several intestinal diseases - Asiatic Cholera

Which spawned off idiocies about the dead bird on the sidewalk causing cholera. One sentence morphed to another till we had a whole song to the tune of Rocky Top for your enjoyment.....about a dead bird.

These are the words to Dead Bird On The Sidewalk (to the tune of Rocky Top)

Dead bird on the Williams sidewalk
You're so gross to me
intestines are gross and yer beak is broke off
Man that's nasty

I touched the dead & nasty mangled bird
Put my fingers in my mouth
Now I got fungus on my tongue
Man it grosses me out

Dead bird you'll always be
sick and gross to me

Dead bird on the sidewalk
When are you gonna leave
you're so yuuucky

I got mushrooms growing on my tongue
They are choking me
They are growing in between my teeth
An I don't have floss on me

I really wanted my tongue pierced
but apparently
That will never happen you see
cause mushrooms are fill my cheeks

Mushrooms go away from thee
yer dang gaggin me

mushroom fungus on my tongue
I just wanna be free
Dead bird yer killin me here's the video to go with these words. The first video is Z trying to prove to us he can do it better than May. He can't, BUT the out takes were funny. The first video is out takes of Z.

The second video is out a few quick out takes of May and the full version, it's hilarious to me.

I would load them fully then watch them. They are viewed better this way.

Z loses it at the end here, cause this was the one and only time they made it fully through the song with no screw ups in 41 takes. May screwed up the last line saying "died bird" instead of "dead bird"....we called it done after this one, delirium set in.

See, homeschooling is educational in a wide variety of ways.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Commando, huh? Nothin like startin'em out early.........

Blogs are coming slowly these days cause I just don't have time to sit down and do them. I have them in my head and on little snip-its of paper here and there.

Here's a few quickies....

D's family has always, since I have known them, called Sherwin-Williams Paint store, "Sharon" Williams.

.......and to his mom, yogurt....has always been "yogret."

It's their thing. D sometimes will make up his own words for stores and what not, I know what he's talking about but it would be a stretch for someone else to figure a few out.

....Cole gets a "Pinocchio" in his Happy Meal from McDonald's last night (shut up Jamie Oliver. We had a soccer game in Norris that took an hour and a half to get too, and my GPS is a joke. It dropped me off the map and at my "destination" before I got there by 8 miles. I only got there by sheer blessing from God. He allowed me to see a corner of white goal netting as I was backtracking to some other fields. Sheer luck...or blessing whichever makes you feel good about my wording, you get the drift.)

Cole struggling to say "Pinocchio" calls him "Pee Yo Kin Yo."

When He gets home at 10:30 last night from the soccer game and what not, he runs in to show Dad his "Pee Yo Kin Yo."

D- OOOHH! You got a "Pin Yoke Kin O."

.....Like father, like son.


Z pointing out that a cell tower in Knoxville is huge and he wouldn't want to jump off of that one..........Thank goodness!

CB in the back seat in a super hillbilly voice - I'ma gone clIImb all tha way up thar an see JeeeezUS.

A & Z - (fall out laughing....unexpected)

later, same car ride.......

I turned the music station cause somebody is a little drunk & he needs somebody now the singer is telling us.

Z turns the next station cause somebody needs to tell us that he is having obscene thoughts about this girl and he doesn't want to disrespect her.

I switch the to Christian station and they are static-y, switch and guess what? Someone is drunk again and they need somebody now again, same song......switch.....a few seconds pass.......

CB- Oh! I like this song, it's my favorite song. (Little Larry Lies a lot is lying cause I have never heard it before in my life & every song is his favorite song.)

Z switches it.

CB- ZAC!!!! That's my favorite song switch it back!

Z- Cole that song has cuss words in it. Your favorite song has cuss words in it.

A- You don't want to hear cuss words do you CB?

CB- I like cuss words! Turn it back ZAC!!!

Z- Cole, no, do you think Jesus would let mom contaminate your mind with cuss words? Do you want to contaminate you mind with words that are not good??

CB- I don't know Zac. I'm just a baby!

Z- (under his breath) got that right.....


This morning I am laying on my bed before I make it up. I hear Cole stomping down the hallway, so I pretend to be asleep. I am gonna scare him.

He is in my room, staring at me, quietly...walking closer, closer, right beside my bed......I am waiting to jump......

directly in my ear - MOM! YOU WANT TO SEE MY SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I jump cause !criminy!, he has scared the crap out of me, I open my eyes and dag gone if Pee Yo Kin Yo and his big long, skinny, pokey nose isn't right almost in my eyeball about to gouge my eyeball out saying in some creepy Disney voice, "I'll never become a real boy." (It's like a horror movie where I need to scream in terror and grab my face cause Chuckie or something.)

I'm about to have a dang heart attack, I have to get up and go take an aspirin. My bed still isn't made.


Me and May going on about how cute a bra is with these turquoise satin straps and yellow and turquoise flowers and so forth.....

Z- What?! Why do I have to hear this?!

A - Well walk away......

Z- You never have to hear boys going on in the stores about how cute their underwear are. (pretending to be a boy with a girly voice) Oh, look at these Fruit of the Looms aren't they just adorable, and the elastic waist band, oh yeeees. It's wonderful....Oh look they come in black and royal highness blue......oooohh (batting his eye lashes at us, then rolling them in disgust in the same breath) I'm outta here, I'll be in the games.

M- It's not our fault they make guys underwear ugly and boring.


The last night of Awana. Cole was misbehaving a bit during prayer time and I went to pop his butt and grabbed a handful of butt. Apparently when I dressed the boy for church that evening I had forgotten to put underwear on him.

I pull out his britches to be sure, and all I see is bare butt. Cole smiles his buck teeth at me over his shoulder cause he hates underwear. He knows he has gotten away with something.

This dad next to me smiles big and shakes his head at me - Commando, huh? Nothin like startin'em out early.

A - "Shut it........"

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I just tooted my horn till Z signaled that was enough...........

On Monday Z had a soccer game in Maryville, which is about a hour from our house. The weather was not good. It was colder and rainy. I asked May to stay home with Frick and Frack till D got home cause I did not want to have to sit in the car with those people for an hour and a half while Z played soccer in the rain.....not feelin that at all.

They lost to a team with 4 big girls on it. I swear they looked like high school girls. They were as tall as me and not fat but definitely not skinny.....healthy we'll say. One of the girls ran into Z so hard that he literally went flying into the air and slammed on the ground.

I was in the parking lot above the the car....cause it was raining and it was a great spot to view the whole game.

So when he hit the ground I was thinking, "....that had to hurt."...but he did get up. He almost HAD to get up cause she was a girl and all, the guys would have made fun of him.

Cause I am such a lame parent and didn't sit in the 53 degree, rainy weather, with an umbrella on wet bleachers with the rest of them.....when the team scored, I just tooted my horn.......till Z signaled that was enough he got the message.

Anyhoo, after the game I was cold and he was hungry. I had seen a Starbucks on the way in.
First I needed to get a gallon of milk from Kroger then we could head over for a warm drink.

Our Kroger cashier, totally had a beard......and she was a woman. I know when she looks in the mirror she sees facial hair. Why doesn't she bleach it or pluck it out or something? I just tried to shake it off and forget it......except there was this.....

Z on the way out the Kroger door - Mom, did you notice that lady was totally sporting a beard? Gross.

A - Yes.

....and then this....when we get to Starbucks, the Kroger cashier's sister or something works there.....the Starbucks gal has a beard too.

Z looks at me rubbing his chin & smiling and I tell him to, "shut it." I am like....ew, but whatever....white chocolate mocha latte with caramel drizzle within my grasp.

When I pay the bearded Starbucks lady I say under my breath, "Thank you Momma-Bet." cause my grand mother had given my children each a $5 bill while we were in Atlanta. I actually had some cash on me. Z thinks I have called the bearded girl "Momma-Bet."

Z- Mom, that was loud, she can hear you.

A- So.

Z- So. Rude. (quietly) and Momma-Bet doesn't have a beard....

I snicker and explain to him what I meant when I said, Thank you Momma-Bet, then I call him a dumb blonde, cause I swear the longer his hair gets the more thought process he loses.

I get my coffee first. I am waiting patiently to do our take the lid off, and scoop out the whip cream with caramel drizzle on it routine ....

Z gets his and instructs me to move to a table to begin the rituals.....lids off, fingers in scoop, scoop, scoop....heaven, heaven...delicious goodness.....

Under her breath, northern accent lady behind us on the phone - "eeww."

Z and I are somewhat embarrassed that our routine is disgusting to her, so we lid up and leave. We would normally do this anyway, but today we purposefully leave. On the way out Z says,

"It's okay Mom, she just doesn't know what the goodness tastes like."

Then he repeats her "eeww" a few times and its funny to me, that we grossed her a Starbucks no less.

It strikes me that the bearded ladies were "ew" to me......and that me and Z were "ew' to that lady. It's somewhat ironic.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

It's brilliant..............

I had the most amazing Mother's Day ever this year.

The kids and I went to Atlanta, D stayed here cause he hasn't had a free weekend in weeks. He wanted to get some stuff done around the house like repaint our back screened in porch, which turned out fantastic. He wanted to chill out in peace and quiet. Although, Cornelia tried to get him to keep a few kids here for Mother's Day so I could take a few less to Atlanta.

All of the kids wanted to go this time so that wouldn't have happened anyway. We had an outstanding time.

I pulled into Atlanta late afternoon Friday so Mom decided we should go some where to eat instead of cook cause she had just gotten off work. I hadn't planned on eating out with the whole dairy free business yet. I was a tad worried about being one of those freaks at a restaurant who can't eat anything and wants the whole menu prepared special. I decided to call around a bit before we went anywhere to see if a few things had butter or could be prepared without dairy easily.

Pasta Bella - Italian - the gal was completely and blandly unhelpful on the phone.

A- My child is dairy free, I was curious does your Marinara sauce have cheese in it?

Pasta girl - Yeah, everything here has cheese in it.

A- Oh, okay, some marinara's don't so I thought I would call and ask first before making the trip over. What type of vegan plates do you offer?

Pasta Girl - ...salad??............I guess I could ask about about our marinara sauce, but I am sure it has cheese in it.

A- Don't worry about it, that's okay. (cause now, even if she did ask and it was good to go, I wouldn't go there, cause she was completely unhelpful and sort of stupid)

We ended up at Longhorns, where unfreakishly as I could, mentioned that Sky was dairy free. Could her shrimp be cooked without the tomato butter sauce? And did she know if the bread had dairy in it?

The waitress went on her personal mission to find out what could be eaten on that menu safely for Sky. She PEELED OFF THE BREAD LABEL from the box of bread that they fix and brought it to me!! So I could check it to see if Sky could eat it! It was so awesome and helpful. She was very thoughtful and careful and I really, really, appreciated it. The food was great, as were the leftovers we took home.

Saturday we had planned to go to the park in East Cobb and celebrate Mother's Day a day early with my brother and my sister's family. This was the first time we had all been together in one spot since my dad's funeral. It was an awesome day to get together, the weather was phenomenal.

We brought a picnic lunch for our people, a frisbee, woofle balls and a bat, & a soccer ball. The play was good, the conversation was fun, the sun on our skin felt healthy (at least till we got home and mom was burned), we took a small hike on their trail and took piles of pics. My dad would have had a blast Saturday. He loved being outdoors and all of us being together would have pleased him.

We spent all day at the park from about 11:00am to about 4:00pm. This will go down as my best Mother's Day ever. It was so relaxing and easy. No one fretted over what gift to give or who was fixing what for dinner, where to go for dinner, blah, blah, blah....

I loved this past weekend, the whole thing.

Sunday I got up and went to Buckhead Church/Northpoint with my sister and her family. Andy Stanley is the man, he is the coolest dude ever. The man is completely gifted in making the Bible approachable and understandable. He is clever.

He'll say he's going to read "A verse,"..... "but first let me tell you this".....then he fills in all the gaps of history, language, story telling and makes the verse come alive, then apply it to yourself.

It's brilliant.

Even my kids love him. They had the opportunity to go to the middle school worship but both M & Z wanted to go and see Andy. I didn't have to make them go to church, they were dressed, ready, and excited to go. In fact I was going to let them sleep in and they both were like, "No, I am going!" Sky went to hang out with Emma(my niece). CB, as usual, took off into his class room of kids he didn't know without looking back. He made me the sweetest butterfly with his hand prints & fuzzy balls for Mother's Day with a Proverbs Bible verse.

I loved that Buckhead Church excited all of them about God stuff and most importantly.... the Bible.

Stories I have read 100 times seem better when Andy tells them. I always want to run home and read my Bible like a book when I hear him preach. He's awesome and God has truly blessed that man with the ability to make the Bible feel relevant and important for people today who want to be constantly entertained. He's simple in jeans and a button down shirt sitting on a tall stool, with his Bible on a small table beside's all about payng attention to him and the message. The message has consistantly made me feel filled with the wanting to know God better. No wonder his church has blown up like it has.

I am so glad I got to worship with my sister and Charlie, her husband, it was SWEET!!

This put icing on my delicious cake of a weekend.

......Oh man, I am so blessed!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

which ever makes you feel better about the way the sun is shining.....

Okay I was in Walmart yesterday.....because I had to be and that is the only reason. Logically it is the only place you can buy shampoo, bananas, hummus, and young men's underwear at once.

This loud, drunken black fellow, African American, which ever makes you feel better about the way the sun is wandering through the parking lot asking people for money. I am walking fast so that I mix in with some others and don't get approached.

I am successful.

But I hear him continuing to ask other people getting in and out of their cars, walking in and so forth.

This total dweeb white guy, Honky, which ever makes you feel better about the way the sun is locking up his car in front of me now.

Drunk guy - Hey Yo, Wesley Snipes! You got sum change?

Dweeb honky - First of all, I'm not Wesley Snipes.......

uum, okay dork.....

Monday, May 3, 2010

I can't pith a frog!.....................

In the car Sky is asking questions about this and about that. She is talking incessantly and literally my ears are starting to hurt.

No one in the car is listening. The questions being asked are simply irrelevant to any one thing in particular .....talking, talking, talking, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, talking, talking, talking, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, talking, talking, talking, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, talking, talking, talking, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, talking, talking, talking, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, talking, talking, talking, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, talking, talking, talking, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, talking, talking, talking, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, talking, talking, talking, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, talking, talking, talking, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?

Z from the very back seat - SKY!!! Are you EVER going to just SHUT UP?!!

May - Everybody in the car who wants Sky to shut up say "I."

A,M,Z, & CB - "I!!"

S - Look, I just want to know about some stuff.


......eating Cotton candy in the car that they have received as a party favor. Sky used to gag horribly from eating cotton candy because of the texture. But on this day she has been especially brave at a gymnastics gymnasium and decides to try it again.

S- mmmmmmm, this stuff is delicious!

she procedes to eat as much as she can as quickly as she can.

A- Sky, don't eat all of that right now Babe, you'll get sick.

M- I can't believe you are eating that, you used to hate cotton candy.

Z- You know.... if she likes it now, you know what this means??? It means I don't get to eat her portion anymore, come on Sky gag a little..........

S- No, I love it! I don't feel gaggy at all, in fact I am going to eat the whole bucket right now.

A, M, Z - NO!! (especially after the talk, talk, talk session we had shut down on the ride over to the birthday party)

again, M- I can't believe you are eating that, you used to hate cotton candy.

S- It's just that it used to be so fuzzy.


After we left the birthday party we went to Borders book store to find a "Dairy Free For Dummies" book. I really don't like Borders that much. I absolutely NEVER find the book I am looking for when I go in. I always seem to go back though.

The lull of the beauty of the books all around the coffee shop area and their clearance makes me feel a little too excited when I pull into the parking lot.

.....but I ALWAYS leave disappointed. Their young adult reader section was slam full of trash. Among the 75 different vampire books May could have chose from (cause everyone is trying to cash in on Twilight success and can't think of their own stuff apparently), there were also books with making out teens on the front and books with titles that made reference to someone who might be hooked on, "Crank" & "Tricks." Finding nothing, May was utterly disgusted and wanted to leave immediately.

After I accused her of drama and hormones.....I had to apologize, she was absolutely right.

Z found the first book in a series he had wanted to start. He was happy. Cole bought himself a penguin that winds up and swims in the tub with him. He was happy.

In fact everywhere he trailed me, he was winding up that penguin and it was making this hideous, super fast flapping, unwinding sound that made me want to throw the thing across the store. I mean who puts those toys in a book store where people are trying to focus on reading??

So I am in the illness & disease section......among the 100's & 100's of diabetes books cause everyone is overweight in TN apparently....... there is one dairy free book.

Chrons, IBD, Gluten free, cancer, anorexia, back problems, & colon dairy book that tells me how to make Sky some cranberry-raisin, scrod scrambled eggs or some crap.

Scrod eggs sounds vulgar. It's like scrotum eggs or crotch eggs .....I just can't feed something with that name scrod to my girl, I am sorry.

I learned later scrod was surely cranberry, freaking, raisin scrod dang scrambled eggs for breakfast for an adult.....uumm, no........for a 7 year old........NEVER!

Me and two other ladies standing in the disease and illness book section. One lady is a hippie who doesn't shave and has dirty toenails, looking at a cancer picture book. The other lady is older than me by 20 years and looking at a back stretching book.

CB- (fart...poot poot) Excuse me I farted. (smiling showing me his buck teeth with his penguin flapping to loudly)

A-(whisper) Cole, sshhhh! Stop that penguin and don't say that out loud again, please.

CB - (not whispering) Okay, I won't say that I farted again Mom, okay?

A- (whispering harsh) Cole!

CB- (whispering harsh back) What? I said I won't say that I farted Mom.....

A- (trying to hurry now and find the book, that I never find and get out before things get too stupid)

CB- Mom (louder than I am comfortable with, not a whisper at all) Can I say my penguin farted?

A- ( I'm outta here, the getting stupid is on)


....talking with King David on his porch about signing May up for a biology class with labs next year at a co-op. King David used to teach public school biology.

King David is asking me if I buy a frog from Apologia, is it alive?............. Uh, no.

A- What would I do with a live frog?

King David - You have to pith him.

A- What??

KD - You have to quickly push a sharp metal probe through the skin from the back of the neck up into the brain and scramble his brains, you can dissect him while he is still can see how the organs and so forth work.

A & M - What?! Gross!!!

A- I have never pithed a frog. That is horrible, I couldn't do that!

KD- Well, I can do it with her. I have my microscope and stuff, I have to find it. You get the frog.

M- I don't want to pith a frog, eww. I'd be just as happy if it was dead.

KD- Yeah May, but you don't get to see the good stuff when it's dead.

M- (intrigued...but still disturbed)

Derrick- Well May, you'd have to do it might get warts if you "pith" off the frog.