.............like an elephant balancing on a ball

Cole seems to need constant attention these days.

My theory goes like this: Since he has been entertained and held constantly since he was a baby by someone....since he has always had a few siblings that were always in his face for entertainment or other wise, he has grown to expect someone to be in his face constantly for entertainment or otherwise.

It could be a full time job trying to keep Cole happy. He could really care less that I have laundry to do, that I need to fix food, grade papers, do dishes, walk & feed a dog, or pay bills.

I believe Cole just wants mommy time without interference. Parts of me say well he should, May got my undivided attention when she was little. Then the other parts of me say people in the 40's and 50's didn't do the dog and pony show for their kids every day and they turned out to be pretty responsible adults.

All that to say... yesterday I had false guilt about not making an effort to be the parent I had been to Maysie when she was a baby..... so CB and I played games almost all day yesterday.

We played Mancala by his rules which changed every few moves and ended up being a throw your gems in the holes game from a distance. We played Battleship, his way, which turned into a bloody massacre of the seas. The red pegs being blood from the bombs (Mancala gems) that exploded on the ships that were surrounded by white pegs. The white pegs represented people thrown from the boats during the bombing. We had to do distressing and "save me"screaming and the whole works. I didn't enjoy that game.

So Jenny was pestering me to pet her and play with her also. Because apparently she thinks I am her human and pony show too. I did not feel false guilt for her.

I kicked off my Crocs which have started to make my feet smell like funky chocolate skunk or something......the smell was .......

....not good.

So this happened...

A- Hey Cole Bear I know what... lets play Everybody Sniff Mom's Feet. (I stick my feet up for Jenny to smell, she does)

Jenny- sneeze, sneeze look at me out of the corner of her eyes likes she wants to bite my foot off.

CB laughs cause he can smell my feet and thinks its funny for Jenny to smell my feet. When I tell him its his turn he does the duck and cover move and tells me, "No Momma!"

CB thinks this is a great game for Jenny though and sticks his feet in her face too. Jenny sniffs his feet. Then Jenny rolls over on her back for him to scratch her belly. I guess that means his feet smell better than mine.

Then Cole notices Jenny's dog toy and begins to throw it for her to fetch. She loves this game and is a great fetcher. I instruct Cole to go and lay down on the floor and I will get Jenny to jump over him as she fetches the toy. She can jump over three of them at a time so Cole is an easy jump.

He does and it's fun for a while. He gets tired of laying there and CB instructs me to lay down while he throws and she jumps over me. So I do and Jenny does.

He grows tired of throwing so hard and then actually throws the toy at me on purpose. Jenny runs really hard right towards me and can't stop in time.

She comes to a halt on my face.

Jenny has all four paws standing on my face wiggling around like an elephant balancing on a ball. She finally realizes that I am going to get up quickly, digs her paws into my face(which includes one of my nose holes & a corner of my mouth) for traction and scurries in lightening fast fury down my body and onto the floor.

A- CB!! REALLY??!!

He is cracking up laughing going on about "Jenny standing on you face, let's do it again." laugh, laugh, laugh some more, in fact then he has this other idea......"Hey let's play jump over Momma."

He is suddenly running at me full speed. I haven't fully recovered from Jenny on my face.

You have no idea what it feels like to know a 4 year old child is running at full speed to jump over you and you aren't able to get out of the way quick enough, so you must endure whatever is to happen.

He is at me stomping, I squeeze my eyes tight and make my stomach muscles as tight as possible for 4 year old foot stepping on impact, and he is over me.........I'm good. I open my eyes and breathe a sigh of relief.

CB- COME ON JENNY!! Let's do that AGAIN!! (he's running)

A- No CB! (My butt is moving as fast as it can to get to the upright position off of the hardwood floor.)

He manages to jump over my legs only and I am up.

I am done with that game.

My false guilt is gone.

I feel no remorse for not playing with the baby anymore. I have switched to 40's and 50's parenting mode. So be it if he doesn't turn out fine cause I didn't play games with him. I am completely done with the dog and pony show for the day.

The jumping over mommy game was scary as hell to me. I had nightmares about it last night.

they don't care, adapt and overcome.............

While D was gone to the beach I stayed pretty busy.............duh.

I told May the first night D was gone I was going to stay up all night long surfing the internet and reading, doing what ever I dang well pleased. I told her when I got up on Thursday morning I was going to be a Zombie and when they ask me questions, no amount of coffee was going to get a coherent answer out of me. This was her warning, spread the word.

I am getting so freaking old though, my butt had to go to bed at 11:30 cause I was just too stinkin tired to stay awake any longer. I was reading with my eyes all rolled back in my head, rockin my head back and forth waking myself up before I slammed my face into my book with my reading glasses on.

I couldn't stay awake past midnight any of the nights he was gone. I completely wasted my "me time" sleeping.

Anyhoo, May and I managed to make 30 jars of jam.....23 jars of cherry and 7 jars of chocolate mint. The cherries were from King David's yard and the chocolate mint from mine.

That day....... I unintentionally worked May like a slave.

She was totally gung ho to do the jam but by the last batch she was exhasuted and so was I. We took a quick swim in the lake(and I say quick cause the cows from atop the bluff were blowing their stank over & down onto the lake and it was gross) and then came back and mowed the grass for 3 1/2 hours.

ON THE #4 SETTING BAAAABBY! You know the saying while the cats away the mice will play......ooooohhh yeah. May and I made the executive decision to really CUT the grass. To heck with this man mowing business about "leave it tall and choke out the weeds, mow the grass on the highest setting"........no way, I got busy with it, Momma didn't play. #4 setting!!!!! woot woot

....then, when I was about finished, I noticed there was a lot of grass sitting on top of the grass. So D would notice I cut on #4 instead of #6........ so then I had to lawn sweep the yard for about another hour or so, which meant May had to spread to the grass around like mulch in the designated flower beds. Ooooohhh but it looked awesome when I was done.

May and I so high five'd on our good work. Which our family is high five impaired so when we hit it on the first try, then we had to do it again..........should have left it at the one celebratory high five.

May relayed to me I had worked her like a slave and she was exhausted, that I OWED her a fun day the next day. We decided to go to Tellico Beach, a place D's parents had taken the kids before while we were out of town.

Mistake #1

I spent till midnight locating the beach on a satellite map cause I couldn't find the address to the place ANYWHERE. This should have been my first clue.

So Saturday we get up, eat, pack a cooler with drinks and food for lunch, get our sunscreen, chairs and beach towels and we are off to Tellico Beach.....with my satellite map.

I swear I am all over the dag gone entrance to the place but all the roads appear to be closed. So I go up and down thinking I have surely missed an entrance road for 20 minutes or so before I finally stop and ask this Tellico Villaginite, Bill Gates look alike, pumping his two seater Mercedes back tire up with what looks like a bicycle pump..... if I am close to the beach....

He tells me to go about 4 miles much further down the road than I have been going and according to my trusty picture map that is wrong....but I do it anyway cause I am getting frustrated. I smile real pretty, thank him, offer to let him call someone on my cell, he tells me "It's okay, he'll be done in just a few minutes, it's really okay despite how it looks." I smile again cause he knows I think he's pumping his tire with a bicycle pump apparently.....and maybe he was. Who cares really?

I get to the beach and its definitely not the beach we were shooting for. It's super small, SMALL! There is a birthday party going on with old people and fried chicken that smells great. I ask them about the other beach, the bigger beach, with the pavillion and they send me back down the street to where I started, gabbing on about some small boat ramp entrance.

The children don't want to stay at Fried Chicken Beach so I drag my dogged car back down to where I started and restart my flippin hunt for the entrance. CAN NOT FIND IT!!!!!!! All the entrances ARE CLOSED....DON'T GO THERE with your car packed IT ISN'T OPEN ANYMORE.

By now, CB just wants to get out of the car and he has started chanting Fried Chicken Beach, Fried Chicken Beach, Fried Chicken Beach......and by golly that's exactly where I go.

Mistake #2

We drag all our crap to the very small beach area and set up. Immediately the kids get into the water. The roped off area has been layered with sharp little tiny pebbles that kill your feet when you walk on them.

They don't care, adapt and overcome.

Suddenly the beach becomes crowded with like 50 kids, ages toddler to 8 years old. The toddlers are tired and screaming and should be napping instead of coming to the water......determined to have a good time we adapt and overcome.

Upon May digging up some sand to make a sand castle, she digs up some moisture in the sand below......the sweat bees descend on us like mad. I mean they are no where else. so we move a little bit and they continue to plague us. Cole is getting cranky now.

While we are eating some lunch and swatting sweat bees I declare that this is the most miserable beach ever.....

A- This is the most miserable beach ever! All in favor of leaving Fried Chicken Beach say "I."

M, CB, & S - "I"

A- Let's roll then people, I am over this, you can finish your lunch in the car.

M- I swear this makes the lake at our house look like a freaking water park. Can we go to the lake when we get home?

Mistake #3

A- Absolutely, yes, we can stay there all night if you want.

When we get home CB is zonked out, and it is beginning to rain.

We never get to the lake. I felt so bad for them. I felt like a failure at being the fun parent. I was so disappointed for them. I guess Tellico Beach is a beach reserved for their memories with their grandparents.........

.............while I get stuck with the memories of Fried Chicken Beach.......eeeesh

I just tooted my horn till Z signaled that was enough...........

On Monday Z had a soccer game in Maryville, which is about a hour from our house. The weather was not good. It was colder and rainy. I asked May to stay home with Frick and Frack till D got home cause I did not want to have to sit in the car with those people for an hour and a half while Z played soccer in the rain.....not feelin that at all.

They lost to a team with 4 big girls on it. I swear they looked like high school girls. They were as tall as me and not fat but definitely not skinny.....healthy we'll say. One of the girls ran into Z so hard that he literally went flying into the air and slammed on the ground.

I was in the parking lot above the field.....in the car....cause it was raining and cold....plus it was a great spot to view the whole game.

So when he hit the ground I was thinking, "....that had to hurt."...but he did get up. He almost HAD to get up cause she was a girl and all, the guys would have made fun of him.

Cause I am such a lame parent and didn't sit in the 53 degree, rainy weather, with an umbrella on wet bleachers with the rest of them.....when the team scored, I just tooted my horn.......till Z signaled that was enough he got the message.

Anyhoo, after the game I was cold and he was hungry. I had seen a Starbucks on the way in.

First I needed to get a gallon of milk from Kroger then we could head over for a warm drink.

Our Kroger cashier, totally had a beard......and she was a woman. I know when she looks in the mirror she sees facial hair. Why doesn't she bleach it or pluck it out or something? I just tried to shake it off and forget it......except there was this.....

Z on the way out the Kroger door - Mom, did you notice that lady was totally sporting a beard? Gross.

A - Yes.

....and then this....when we get to Starbucks, the Kroger cashier's sister or something works there.....the Starbucks gal has a beard too.

Z looks at me rubbing his chin & smiling and I tell him to, "shut it." I am like....ew, but whatever....white chocolate mocha latte with caramel drizzle within my grasp.

When I pay the bearded Starbucks lady I say under my breath, "Thank you Momma-Bet." cause my grand mother had given my children each a $5 bill while we were in Atlanta. I actually had some cash on me. Z thinks I have called the bearded girl "Momma-Bet."

Z- Mom, that was loud, she can hear you.

A- So.

Z- So. Rude. (quietly) and Momma-Bet doesn't have a beard....

I snicker and explain to him what I meant when I said, Thank you Momma-Bet, then I call him a dumb blonde, cause I swear the longer his hair gets the more thought process he loses.

I get my coffee first. I am waiting patiently to do our take the lid off, and scoop out the whip cream with caramel drizzle on it routine ....

Z gets his and instructs me to move to a table to begin the rituals.....lids off, fingers in scoop, scoop, scoop....heaven, heaven...delicious goodness.....

Under her breath, northern accent lady behind us on the phone - "eeww."

Z and I are somewhat embarrassed that our routine is disgusting to her, so we lid up and leave. We would normally do this anyway, but today we purposefully leave. On the way out Z says,

"It's okay Mom, she just doesn't know what the goodness tastes like."

Then he repeats her "eeww" a few times and its funny to me, that we grossed her out...in a Starbucks no less.

It strikes me that the bearded ladies were "ew" to me......and that me and Z were "ew' to that lady. It's somewhat ironic.

I can't pith a frog!.....................

In the car Sky is asking questions about this and about that. She is talking incessantly and literally my ears are starting to hurt.

No one in the car is listening. The questions being asked are simply irrelevant to any one thing in particular .....talking, talking, talking, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, talking, talking, talking, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, talking, talking, talking, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, talking, talking, talking, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, talking, talking, talking, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, talking, talking, talking, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, talking, talking, talking, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, talking, talking, talking, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, talking, talking, talking, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, talking, talking, talking, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?, mom?

Z from the very back seat - SKY!!! Are you EVER going to just SHUT UP?!!

May - Everybody in the car who wants Sky to shut up say "I."

A,M,Z, & CB - "I!!"

S - Look, I just want to know about some stuff.

.........................................................

......eating Cotton candy in the car that they have received as a party favor. Sky used to gag horribly from eating cotton candy because of the texture. But on this day she has been especially brave at a gymnastics gymnasium and decides to try it again.

S- mmmmmmm, this stuff is delicious!

she procedes to eat as much as she can as quickly as she can.

A- Sky, don't eat all of that right now Babe, you'll get sick.

M- I can't believe you are eating that, you used to hate cotton candy.

Z- You know.... if she likes it now, you know what this means??? It means I don't get to eat her portion anymore, come on Sky gag a little..........

S- No, I love it! I don't feel gaggy at all, in fact I am going to eat the whole bucket right now.

A, M, Z - NO!! (especially after the talk, talk, talk session we had shut down on the ride over to the birthday party)

again, M- I can't believe you are eating that, you used to hate cotton candy.

S- It's just that it used to be so fuzzy.

..............................................................

After we left the birthday party we went to Borders book store to find a "Dairy Free For Dummies" book. I really don't like Borders that much. I absolutely NEVER find the book I am looking for when I go in. I always seem to go back though.

The lull of the beauty of the books all around the coffee shop area and their clearance makes me feel a little too excited when I pull into the parking lot.

.....but I ALWAYS leave disappointed. Their young adult reader section was slam full of trash. Among the 75 different vampire books May could have chose from (cause everyone is trying to cash in on Twilight success and can't think of their own stuff apparently), there were also books with making out teens on the front and books with titles that made reference to someone who might be hooked on drugs...like, "Crank" & "Tricks." Finding nothing, May was utterly disgusted and wanted to leave immediately.

After I accused her of drama and hormones.....I had to apologize, she was absolutely right.

Z found the first book in a series he had wanted to start. He was happy. Cole bought himself a penguin that winds up and swims in the tub with him. He was happy.

In fact everywhere he trailed me, he was winding up that penguin and it was making this hideous, super fast flapping, unwinding sound that made me want to throw the thing across the store. I mean who puts those toys in a book store where people are trying to focus on reading??

So I am in the illness & disease section......among the 100's & 100's of diabetes books cause everyone is overweight in TN apparently....... there is one dairy free book.

Chrons, IBD, Gluten free, cancer, anorexia, back problems, & colon cleansing.....one dairy book that tells me how to make Sky some cranberry-raisin, scrod scrambled eggs or some crap.

Scrod eggs sounds vulgar. It's like scrotum eggs or crotch eggs .....I just can't feed something with that name scrod to my girl, I am sorry.

I learned later scrod was fish....so surely cranberry, freaking, raisin scrod dang scrambled eggs for breakfast for an adult.....uumm, no........for a 7 year old........NEVER!

Me and two other ladies standing in the disease and illness book section. One lady is a hippie who doesn't shave and has dirty toenails, looking at a cancer picture book. The other lady is older than me by 20 years and looking at a back stretching book.

CB- (fart...poot poot) Excuse me I farted. (smiling showing me his buck teeth with his penguin flapping to loudly)

A-(whisper) Cole, sshhhh! Stop that penguin and don't say that out loud again, please.

CB - (not whispering) Okay, I won't say that I farted again Mom, okay?

A- (whispering harsh) Cole!

CB- (whispering harsh back) What? I said I won't say that I farted Mom.....

A- (trying to hurry now and find the book, that I never find and get out before things get too stupid)

CB- Mom (louder than I am comfortable with, not a whisper at all) Can I say my penguin farted?

A- ( I'm outta here, the getting stupid is on)

.............................................................

....talking with King David on his porch about signing May up for a biology class with labs next year at a co-op. King David used to teach public school biology.

King David is asking me if I buy a frog from Apologia, is it alive?............. Uh, no.

A- What would I do with a live frog?

King David - You have to pith him.

A- What??

KD - You have to quickly push a sharp metal probe through the skin from the back of the neck up into the brain and scramble his brains, you can dissect him while he is still alive....you can see how the organs and so forth work.

A & M - What?! Gross!!!

A- I have never pithed a frog. That is horrible, I couldn't do that!

KD- Well, I can do it with her. I have my microscope and stuff, I have to find it. You get the frog.

M- I don't want to pith a frog, eww. I'd be just as happy if it was dead.

KD- Yeah May, but you don't get to see the good stuff when it's dead.

M- (intrigued...but still disturbed)

Derrick- Well May, you'd have to do it right.....you might get warts if you "pith" off the frog.

.....classic......

some stuff in my yard...............

So my yard seems to be infested with Wooly Aphids. If you look out my windows it really looks like it is snowing outside.






















King David's tree version of the Gardenia.



I don't know what kind of mushroom this is, but I like the way it looks.

Black and Yellow Argiope or Argiope aurantia, its a garden spider, sometimes called a writing spider, for the zig zag in the web thing you can barely see in the photo.


They first look like this...small and skinny.....

but in a couple weeks they look like this and they are huge and scary looking, but really they aren't that bad, unless you are allergic to spiders.

Like all spiders they make a pile of babies...1 to 4 egg sacs with 300 to 1400 eggs in each one!!!!

After laying eggs, the female dies. The baby spiders hatch from their eggs in the Fall, but they stay inside the sac through Winter.

We found this in a flower bed.....nice huh? Z said looks like someone dipped their goober in fondue.........GROSS!!!

This is what it really is.......

Phallus drewesii or, easier to say Stinkhorn

This info provided by http://www.wildmanstevebrill.com/

General Information
There's no polite way of saying it: stinkhorns are gross, and they stink so strongly you usually smell them before you see them.

Identification
These distinctive mushrooms have a single, unbranched, erect stalk, sometimes gaudily colored, leading to Linnaeus aptly placing them in a genus he called Phallus (which has since been split into additional unsavory genera). The stalk is slimy, especially toward the tip, where the spores are concentrated.
And the entire mushroom hatches from an "egg," which, unlike a puffball, reveals layers of slime cut open.

Reproduction
The mushroom spreads its spores, which are present in the slime, by attracting flies and other creatures that like decaying flesh. The slime sticks to the insects, which then transport the spores.

Ecology
Stinkhorns are saprophytes: the fungus under the stinkhorn or egg grows through wood chips or organic material in the ground and decomposes it. (hence the reason it is growing its disgusting self in my mulch)

Edibility (Why or how anyone on earth would even think to eat this is beyond me)
Stinkhorns are too disgusting to eat, although none that I know of are poisonous. Nevertheless, people have tried eating the cooked eggs of some species after removing the slime layer. I reluctantly tried one bite of a cooked stinkhorn egg just once, so I could speak about the experience first-hand. I noticed very little flavor and a markedly unpleasant texture before I spit it out! (again hence the reason his name is "Wild Bill")

Then a friend astonished me by telling me that shop people were selling dried stinkhorns in New York City's Chinatown (they're supposed to be a delicacy in China once the slime is removed). He even went so far as to buy me a package of dehydrated Chinese stinkhorns, an odorless "food" I had no way of identifying (I don't speak Chinese) that people in China have been eating for centuries.
I added this to a soup, and found it to have no flavor, and a weird squishy texture that people in China apparently like, but I found very unpleasant. Perhaps with proper seasonings, you could use this species to make a vegetarian mock squid dish!

Caution
Never eat, or even pick stinkhorns in New Guinea, where the Iban people (former headhunters) call it ghost penis fungus (immature snicker he he he). It's the member of a warrior who was decapitated in battle, and the twice-mutilated fighter will rise from the ground and pursue you until he cuts off your head with his headhunting sword!

Uses and Misuses
The best use of stinkhorns is for professional naturalists to use for lecture-demonstrations, but even this can be problematic:
In 2001, I found the front yard of a house near where my fiancée Leslie lived covered with Ravenel's stinkhorn. I should have left them there for Ravenel, but put a bunch in a bag and stored that in Leslie's refrigerator for a few days, since I would be departing from her place to give a presentation in a library.
Stinkhorns are one of nature's most foul-smelling creations, but they're nothing compared to decomposing stinkhorns! After a few days, Leslie noticed that she couldn't open her refrigerator without coming close to passing out.
After she identified the source of the putrescence and threw out the bag, she still had to scrub the refrigerator thoroughly and wait a few months before the smell went away. Miraculously, she still married me in 2002!

http://www.wildmanstevebrill.com/ if you interested in other mushroom stuff......

Again............EEEEEWWWW freakin GROSS!!!!!!!!!

Skylar found this attached to her skates in the garage yesterday. It is the chrysalis of a
Variegated Fritillary Butterfly. If you touch it, it will vibrate a bit.

Notice how it looks kind of like a face near the front. Its spikes look like they are dipped in gold.

I thought this was "far out!"





These two pictures are of another Variegated Fritillary Butterfly chrysalis we found under my sedum,...... that's a plant, try not to get stupid......

It is more pearly white with golden spikes because it is closer to coming out a butterfly......

.....notice the face like end can be seen much more clearly in these photos.

Super Cool!!!!


Variegated Fritillary Butterfly......So......it will look like this when it comes out.....I did not take this photo, I swiped it from

http://www.butterfliesandmoths.org






This Is a nice bloom from my Playboy Tea Tree Rose






This is a random photo that's just so funny cause that night I got like..... no sleep, my eyes were dark & my hair was sticking straight up every where....I looked like Kramer from Seinfield.
I should be ashamed to put this photo here, but really it's just so dang funny how my hair is sticking up everywhere. >

If this were my mother, I would run away.

we just want Funky Onions to use soap in her pits..........

The other night I was gabbing with my neighbors and Caesar was giving me a hard time about some restaurants that I liked and didn’t like and what not. General conversation that amounts to nothing but neighbors spending feel good face time with each other. So any way, Caesar tells me his wife told him, I said restaurant X was bad, and restaurant Y was good. Well I had no idea what he was talking about cause in my mind restaurant Y is AWFUL & I have no idea where restaurant X even is in Kingston. So I said to Caesar it could be:

a) D told Caesar's wife about those restaurants and she assumed that if D says it, I may think the same.
b) She has mistaken a conversation with someone else for a conversation with me or

c) She lied…

Caesar- So you are saying my wife is a liar? (he is joking but antagonizing me to get me to back peddle)

A- that’s right…..if she hasn’t had a conversation with D or mistook her conversation with someone else…she lied ( cause I know he is stirring the pot, Caesar is predictable to me, cause now I know he can’t wait to tell his wife I called her a liar to watch me squirm and back peddle..... so I stick my guns to call his bluff.........maybe or maybe not)

Caesar- So you are saying she’s a liar???

A- That’s right, if she lied, she’s a liar (cause I was actually thinking that maybe she hated those restaurants, didn’t want to go there & just threw out some comments she heard. I think Amy might have said, somebody said it for petes sake & I don’t want to eat there today...….uuuhhh been there, done that, bought the t-shirt )

Caesar – okay (kicked back in his chair, cause he thinks ….oh this is gonna be good I‘m gonna get her right in front of all the neighbors an watch the back peddlin begin..... again predictable)

In no way do I believe his wife to be a liar, any more or any less than I am. It was just some joshin he and I do, and I can stand the heat so I don't usually leave the kitchen.

Later that evening it sort of bothered me though, cause I know that he was joking with me, to catch me, and I am cool with that, but would his wife understand that? She's funny and all......and knows Caesar much better than I do times 10, but she doesn't know me as well……it just bothered me.

Here’s the thing, this is what I have come to believe about liars in my adulthood……

We all freakin lie. We are all liars.

“No Amy, I can’t stand liars, I never tell lies, I tell it like it is, whether it hurts or not.”

Uuuuuhhhh no you don’t, liar

Husbands tell half truths to their wives, wives tell half truths to their husbands…

“Oh Amy, I never lie to my husband and he never lies to me we have open communication, and we blah Blah BLAH BLAH!!.........”

Her ya go…..

wife - Honey, do you like this Hamburger Helper I fixed you for dinner? I am sorry I didn’t get to fix you anything else, but I had to a,b,c,d,e,f,g & h and I didn’t get home till right before you did.

Husband- Yeah, that’s okay Babe. I just wasn’t that hungry tonight, I ate a tad late today.

Translation:

Wife- Look, I rushed home after doing stuff for your kids all day, I didn’t get a shower today, I gotta headache, I only made this dog food like substance because this is just the best I can do in 10 minutes before you walk in the door starving.

Husband – yeah I hear you saying you were busy, I don’t really care I am tired and starving, and I hate having dog food for dinner, it sucks, but I can see we are both about to get stupid so I will tolerate this tonight.

See how this works….half truths

You can insert any situation where one might get their feelings hurt…… here’s another….me and another woman discussing another woman and her inability to ever, ever freakin use deodorant. So that I physically felt the need to vomit from the smell of funky onions every time I was around her.

Funky Onions was a nice woman, she had nice children. She was just smelly times 10.

So Funky walks up and in general making of conversation asks me and the other woman what we were talking about……

So I am to say, “Oh, we were just discussing that you smell like funky onions, and were wondering how come you don’t wear dang deodorant, cause I am gagging.”

No we tell a half truth, “Oh, we were just going on about different smells of this area that aren’t in other areas. You know like green chile or something….” (smile, smile, smile and try not to crack our butts up laughing, cause the woman is nice, we don't want to hurt her feelings, we just want her to use some soap or deoderant in her pits)

So my point is this…… so we aren’t all down right filthy, stinking, no good, liars...in that sense.

But generally, we are all liars at some time or another. Even the most honest people who try hard not to lie, lie in an uncomfortable situation at some point.

"Oh no, Amy, I don’t do that, I never lie, I just try to say it in a way that is not hurtful".......... whatever, you’re lying, liar…..yer just like the rest of us, and the next time you tell a lie you will think of this blog and realize you are a liar too.

I have learned there is no truth on this world.

You can never know any truth except your own.

I bet you have never even said some of your truths out loud before.

The only real truth, I truly know with all the cells that form my body, is Jesus.

…..and He has never lied to me.