Now that we're men......

Last night, in my eyes, I did this totally amazing thing along side Ms. P.

At the clogging studio we were in deep girl, God, and geek gab ....not necessarily in that order. When I say deep, it was almost an hour past the time we were supposed to have left the studio to head home. The class had ended around 9:00pm and our girls were still gabbing, so we continued to gab.

Hear this! Because we were totally gabbing incessantly for two hours barely stopping for breath.....in my car.....with the interior lights on the whole time.......at 10:00pm... my interior lights suddenly went dim.

I say to myself, "Self....I bet your battery is getting weak." I crank my car up, uumm, no I don't cause it won't crank.

tick, tick, tick, tick. tick,

try again

tick, tick, tick, tick

My jaw drops, Ms. P's jaw drops, our teen girls in the other vehicle show us that our jaw dropping syndrome has contaminated them also.

A- D is going to kill me....he is packing for a trip to Orlando in the morning.

Ms. P - I think I have jumper cables

A- (furry bunnies and rainbows....in terror. Cause somebody had to hook them thangs up)

Ms. P can't find them, she calls her husband, they discuss at length how to hook the cables up while I read the directions on the packaging.

Ms. P's husband is at home in one direction far from the studio and D is at home far away in the opposite direction from the studio, and we are out too late anyway....it just wasn't optimal.

Ms. P relays that Mr. P has said we should hook up red, black, black, red (or vice versa or something). We shouldn't let them touch... insert some more directions and technical stuff that I am starting to tune out because I'm afraid to hook the jab-O's up. All my life I have heard that some somebody's car blew up, somebody got venom spewed in their face and their face burned off, acid melted their clothes off and onto their skin and falalala la lala la la.

When I come to my senses Ms. P is standing in front of me with a red and a black in her hands and I with a red and black in my hands and we aren't letting them touch.....staring at each other.

The thing is we haven't even moved our vehicles yet and our vehicles are turned off.

A- Can you do this?

Ms. P - I think so...

Frick and Frack...the two willies decide first we should move the vehicles into proper position. After all the cables were touching each other in the bag right?

Move the vehicles. We are on the right track. We've done step one according to her package instructions. The vehicles are nose to nose without touching each other....

It is clear we are both leery of hooking the exploding battery acid face eating machine cables up. I feel extreme anxiety rising within as she and I are looking for exact locations at which to position these 4 pincher's.

I make the decision to call D finally.

A- (sweet) Helllllooo.

D- Where are you?

A- At the studio, my battery is dead.

D- Does Meg have cables?

A- funny thing.....yes, but Babe, I am afraid to hook them up and so is she, can you just come here and do it?

D- Really, Amy? I mean you can do this. Just put the positive on the positive and the negatasdkl lksjdji kjshdjhiuh nasjdhk and jhh yuy xernhg uyg.....

I don't hear him anymore he's speaking Japanese to me cause I am afraid.

So I put him on speaker phone for directions as I am using the cell phone for a flash light. Ms. P doesn't have a cell phone so this is it.

It is clear to him I am not listening well and about to panic which equals buggin out. D determines that I am going to do this. He determines he is not driving across the Untied States at 10pm...when I am "this close" the fix myself.

D- (on speaker phone....and BTW Ms. P is a deacons wife...not that it should matter it's just an ironic situation, that caused me to snicker a little in the after thoughts when I got home.) Put the "not the dam that beavers build" red cable on the "not the dam that beavers build" positive bolt, Amy, Now!

A & Ms. P(we laugh a little) - Easy Tiger, yer on speaker phone.

D - I don't care hook up the red cable and then do the black one, now, DO IT.

I totally hooked'em up. I was half way there. Ms. P is standing close beside with her 2 cables not touching. Like surgeons with special tools I take one from her hand and D tells me where to hook it on my car. Then the last one is placed on the black negative on my battery.

Not the optimal place I learned cause that is the crisis point at which a battery could explode with my face next to it. When I read the directions though it said not to hook it next to this fuel line and that cable and x,y,z...so I was afraid again cause I have a Hyundai and I don't know which line is which. I recognized the windshield washer fluid and so did Ms. P and all that was plastic. One is supposed to connect the last black one to a metal bolt or something. I was supposed to look away, but I forgot....cause I was having an anxiety attack in my mind.

So the moment of truth has arrived. The connections have been made. D relays Ms. P should start her vehicle and slowly rev the engine.

A- Okay go start your car and give it some gas.

D- No.. I said slowly give it some gas (Ms. P is revving up to start a Nascar race). Tell her to stop that.

I don't listen and go get in my car and crank it right up.

......insert redneck hooting and hollering in downtown, at night, behind some random building, with no lights on and 6 girls jumping up and down totally being girls.

D- Come home. ... and be careful, the deer are out tonight.

Insert some more jumping up and down and girly screaming cause BY GOLLY!! WE ARE WOMEN HEAR US ROAR FOR PETES SAKE!!!!!!

I know D helped talk us through that and he used some man words to do it......but I swear in my mind I felt like we did it all by ourselves. I mean really, we were nervous, but we seriously overcame it and just totally did the freaking man deed.

Ms. P calls her husband and relays to him we have done the deed. He asks her if we unhooked the cables. I told her you should have told him, "No, that's their leash, the whole clan need to be on a leash."

Even Ms. P's daughter and May told us they were proud of us. We had a big, 6 female, jumpy, girly group hug put our hands in the center and "Go Ladies" on three...1, 2, 3...GO LADIES!

I smiled myself to sleep last night cause I rocked my own world for a change.

I love hanging out on Monday's with Ms. P. It makes me feel strong and mighty in every way.

I dedicate this song to you Ms. P. We "passed the test and finished the quest!"
Hope you have an awesome Tuesday!!!!!

Oh, she said she wants the soup." ..............

Maysie went with Sky and me to the allergy doctor. She was amazed at all the food they prick test for.

M- Wow, they have everything on here including star fruit...

A- Wow, star fruit?

M- No, just kiddin.

M- (like ordering in a restaurant in a snotty valley girl teen voice) Um yeah, can I have a grilled chicken sandwich, and can you totally tell me if it has star fruit in it?.... I am allergic to star fruit. So can you just totally put the star fruit sauce on the side....duh..

A- (I laugh cause she is so dang funny at the right times like her dad. Her hillbilly voice overs and valley girl voice overs are spot on. She makes me smile. )

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Cause I haven't been sleeping good my jaw has been killing me and my tongue has this horrible metal taste that I cannot brush off with my tooth brush.

So I jokingly say to Zac in the car on the way to the soccer game..

A- I probably have mouth cancer or tongue cancer or something cause my bad attitude is making me say ugly things, I probably need my tongue cut off....(it's harsh I know, but I was joking)

Z is mortified by the thought, which I did not expect. He says, "Mom, promise me you will make a dentist or doctors appointment, I don't want you to die."

A- Z I was just kidding.

Z- Yeah, well promise anyway.....

A- I will, just let me get through with the Sky stuff first.

Z- (he is really serious) No, promise me......I can not have a mom with no tongue....that is really disturbing.

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So I am telling May about this conversation when we get home last night cause it struck me as funny he was concerned that he would have a mom with no tongue....for real.

(May stayed home last night with Vomit Mary & CB, cause it was cool when the sun went down.)

May- (pretending to be me with no tongue)

"blath thall soooooth hof thall thall whuuuh"

( pretending to be a waiter)

"What did she say"

(Now herself)

"Oh, she said she wants the soup." (insert big friendly smile)

My butt fell out cause that was just so stinkin funny to me.

I tell you there is something wrong with us that kind of humor is just sick.

knots, granny panties, & furry armpits.......

Some time back ago CB had climbed into the bed with me early in the morning.

He usually sleeps as close to me as he can get, snuggled in super tight. He wasn't as tight as normal so I opened my eyes. It was just bright enough from a light left on in the bathroom, that he could see my upper body out of the covers. He eyes were opened staring at me, with his thumb in his mouth and a furrowed brow.

I'm all, "CB it's early go to sleep..."

CB-....put you arm down, you furry armpits sticking my face.....

A- COLE! I am gonna shave this morning! Go to sleep!!

...but kids just don't forget anything, ever......

So he hopped in the tub with me yesterday. I told him to get out early cause I was going to shave my legs....

CB- Yeah.,.... an don't forget you furry armpits....

A- Cole! Get out!!

I was in a bit of a hurry that morning....so when I got out after shaving my "furry" legs and armpits.....I sprayed Glade, French Vanilla, under my arms instead of deodorant.

I made a conscious decision to be grateful that I did not use the Lysol antibacterial spray under my arms.

...............for some reason this random act of absent mindedness, reminded me of one time when I was doing laundry last summer. Cole was running around the house with some granny panties on his head. I hadn't really paid that much attention to him.

Z was in my room helping sort a bazillion pairs of socks cause I hate them. I just throw them in the "sock bucket" and let the kids conquer and divide. I just can't find any benefit to my life by standing in one place trying to match a bazillion pairs of socks, it's a total waste of time, cause in 4 to 5 days, it's the same scene all over......like deja vu, for real........so I just don't.

Cole comes in with the granny panties on his head. We smile at him and so forth cause he's little and cute and he can pull off wearing panties on his head.

As he is leaving the room he hangs them on my bedroom doorknob by a leg hole. I forget them.

In he comes again with his cowboy boots on and his underwear. He remembers the grannies hanging on the knob. He procedes to stick his head through the leg hole that is still hooked on the knob...

...his dang cowboy boot catches on something and there he is left nearly hanging himself with my grannies on the bedroom doorknob in a panic. Z quickly runs over to him and yanks him up and unhooks the stupid things off the knob.

I spout off to Cole to never ever put stuff around is neck like that again and give him the motherly talk about why this is important and fala la la la lala la .....la

Having been rescued and now feeling better about life he leaves again.....Z and I are in silence folding laundry again....I guess we both are rethinking the event.

Suddenly it is 100% absurd and I am hearing the 10:00 news anchor...

"This evening in kacky a lacky, TN a 3 year old boy hanged himself with his momma's panties on a doorknob. It would seem the child's cowboy boots, took off without the boy in them and he was left there to fend off the assailant granny panties for himself. His older brother tried to save him but the panties were just too darn big and would not let go of the child, stay tuned for more on this after our check on the woman who ran over her neighbors chicken which happens to be the childs mother.........."

We both started to just laugh at how ridiculous it would be to die by hanging yourself on yer momma's granny panties....I mean who freakin does that?!

I mean, really I am grateful me and Z were there, that could have been bad, but still....dag gone, what are the odds?

So today the boy is calling me frantic from my bedroom. All the other children are in my room with him but he is calling me. I hear Z start laughing and CB is ticked off about that.

The crazy fool had taken the dog leash and wrapped it around his feet, like a hog tie or something and knotted it up. He cannot walk, he is hopping.

A- Cole! Why did you do this?!

CB- I just wanted to see if I could walk.....

I'm trying to undue the cluster of knots- Cole how did you get this all knotted this way, baby don't do this anymore, you could have fallen & knocked all your almost knocked out, teeth out. This is dangerous. Where did you get this leash from?

CB- ....on the dryer, Jenny wanted me to show her she leash, then she run away.

I am thinkin...I bet, I would run away from you too, she probably knew you were gonna tie something up and it wasn't going to be her......

I swear it took me 10 minutes to get that thing unwrapped from around his ankles. When he was free he got up and took off running merrily as if this event had never happened, it wasn't even an after thought in his mind.....

....but by golly he remembers the furry armpits.........

I just said some words to the drain and hoped him well.....

When we moved into the house 6 years ago we told Zach he could have a dog. I must have been smoking crack cause I totally did not need a puppy while Sky was like learning to walk. The Jack Russell puppy we purchased, came by the name of Moby...cause he had this marking on his butt that looked like a whale.....Moby Dick......Moby......anyway. He was high strung, but obedient. The problem was he was supposed to be Zach's dog, but the dog did not respect Zach at all. Zach became afraid of him and the little dog knew he was alpha over Zach. Moby would run from across the yard just to try an bite Zach in his crotch. It was ridiculous, so I sold him and everything that we bought to go with him for about 3/4th what we had invested.

On that day I rejoiced.

So I said to myself....self, Christmas is around the corner, I will get the kids some fish. May wanted an aquarium and that was the perfect "pet." So I made it happen. We set the aquarium up, went and purchased some fish...May picked out one Dalmatian fish that was already half dead, but she had her mind made up she was going to have the fish floating in the vertical position, lest hell freeze over that fish was going home with her. That fish was named Pearl or something and she lasted much longer than she should have.

All that to say Zach purchased a frog with some Christmas money he had, to go into Maysie's tank. That frog was crazy, crazy, crazy.......and he named him Spazo.

Spazo has been with us 6 years, until alas we came home from vacation and he was floating on his back on the bottom of the fish bowl. Fish bowl? What about his aquarium mansion?

As we laid Spazo in the ground his limp, skinny, little body...we recounted all he had to put up with. The frog had lived through every fish we had ever purchased and they were many.

The tetras used to eat his freeze dried worms. We called them the Piranhas cause when the worms hit the water they would try and scarf them up before he noticed.

The algae eaters would suck on his back which initially Spazo hated and then grew okay with it, then turned back into a grumpy old man and would get aggravated.

He was the only animal that could survive "The Death Ship." No matter when we put the ship decoration into the water, inevitably the fish would swim inside the cursed ship and die....but not Spazo he was smart! He rarely went into The Death Ship.

He never ate the Piranha (tetra) babies either. The one time we had babies Spazo was good to leave them alone....their own dang parents ate them, I know this cause the babies were smart to hang behind him in the plants to hide, it was when they were away from him they would disappear in a hurry.

He survived Cole dumping his hot wheels into the tank on numerous occasions. He would just sit on the cars or fire engines, as if to tell me....hey, look here is something you need to get out of here.
I had him trained. Spazo knew when I would put my finger tips in the glass in a certain place that worms were coming, he would follow my finger around the tank.

I can't tell you how many times Zach and I chased that frog around his room while cleaning the tank. I saved him from the kitchen drain like 3 times.

When all the fish had died and I had given up cleaning aquariums, I down graded him from the big house to a condo (the big fish bowl).... all by himself so he could finally have some peace.

By this time we had some turtles, and the algae eaters I had sentenced to death and threw them into the tank for the turtles to eat. It was quite the sport to watch the turtles try and catch them, but alas they were too quick & after a few days the turtles just gave up. They lived together well. D tried to get me to feed Spazo to the turtles numerous times.....but I wasn't even gonna have that, Spazo was part of our house.

In the end he out lived one turtle and all of our other fish, and had escaped death by drain & consumption. He was an old, skinny frog and he died with his two trusty side kicks, the algae eaters, by his side. In fact I think one of the algae eaters grieved himself to death cause one of those was dead also when we got home.

...... That algae eater didn't get the proper burial, I accidentally flushed him down the kitchen sink while trying to get Spazo out of the bowl......so I just said some words to the drain and hoped him well.

So then there was one....now he is sucking on the rocks all by himself, all alone........

(this should be "Lonely Teardrops" by Jackie Wilson)


We loved you Spazo, you were a good, old, skinny, tolerant frog.......
R I P 2003 - 2009

so I can't drive, so what, I cut grass better everyday of the week.......

Right before we left the beach I was playing around with my camera and deleted ALL my beach photos. I had like 75 or more great shots that included the kids wearing eye patches after a game of putt putt at some pirate place, my mom blowing out birthday candles, May posing in the dunes that was phenomenal, video of Cole skimming on his belly and Zach skimming doing 360's effortlessly, there were photos of our family on the beach and just some other outstanding shots...

.....I spent like 3 hours mourning the loss of all those photos and the video. I thought to myself, Why am I going on about losing the photos, I was there I lived them they are in my memory no matter what.....but still, even though no one on the earth cares about those photos except for the split second they look at them and then they forget them......they were mine and they were good, and I hate that I lost them........uuuuggh

...at least my mom got some good ones before she went home. I will have to steal a few of hers.

A funny thing that happened while I was in mourning over my photos was I said to D..."Can't you fix this? Can't you get those photos back, hack my camera do whatever....Can't you fix it?".....

....in my mind D can fix anything and everything, even when I don't want him too cause I want something new, he fixes it. I am of the mentality, that no matter what happens in this whole world......nothing is unrepairable....it can always be fixed, D can fix it.

I swear I think that.

When something happens bad like Cole colors on the hardwood floors with permanent marker, I just look up on the web how to fix it.....and I fix it(orange can of OFF). If I can't fix it, then D can. I really never worry to much about stuff getting totally messed up, cause so what....it can be fixed some how.

I was telling May over the phone (cause she went to Atlanta with my mom when she left the beach) about what I had done that morning to the pictures....she said, "Well can't dad fix it? Give the camera to him and let him fix it."....... so May is of the mentality also that D can fix anything......

Once, not to long after we had moved into our house D was telling me this little snipit about parking the lawnmower next to the bladder tank in our garage.

D- now if you ever, for some stupid reason, hit the bladder tank while parking the (riding) lawn mower you will break the PVC connection to the house and water will come out by the gallons, in a hurry, and you will have to cut it off on the breaker switch right here (pointing to our box and showing me).

A- (half paying attention cause I am NEVER going to do that, cause D would kill me if I ever did something so stupid)

It wasn't two months past, I hit the dang bladder tank so hard, thinking I was in reverse but I was in forward and the tank jumped and I broke the PVC pipe connection. WATER CAME OUT BY THE GALLONS, IN A HURRY, I was flooding my garage in like 7 seconds. I was totally panicking, screaming at May, "What do I do?!! What do I do?!!" May is screaming in shear horror causing Skylar to scream in shear horror, Zach is running around like a psycho maniac trying to grab anything and everything for reasons unknown to him, he feels the need to grab something and everything...........finally the memory comes to mind to cut the power off but which one and in a hurry, make a decision, quick...can't remember cause I half witted paid attention...so I cut the power off to the whole house.....water stops flowing immediately. I feel pretty good about myself, for remembering.


HOLY CRAP look at all this water, how am I going to explain this to D? So I think, I can fix this, I can fix this ...before he comes home from work, call a neighbor who knows some stuff about some stuff and ask him which parts I need to get cause this tank will not connect to where it should (cause I am so stupid, I didn't realize I had jumped the tank over about a foot or so).

ring, ring.....ring, ring.........ring, ring,......no caller ID...pick up......"hello"
D- hey baby, what's up?
A- nothing....... babe, I have to tell you something...
D- Oh Lord, What did you do?
A- well, (speaking pretty fast)I hit the bladder tank with the lawn mower, but I cut the power off like you said and the water quit flowing,and King David is going to help me fix the pipes back and I am going to Home Depot to get the pieces right now and it will be fixed when you get home.
D- (silence, heavy breathing) Is the power still off?
A- yes
D- where?
A- the whole house
D- The whole house?! Go outside and cut all the switches back on but the one I told you to cut off!
A- see? I don't know which one that one is (walking outside flipping the switches he instructs)
D- (heavy breathing, stern talking and......) I'll be home in a little while.....click

So I go to HD get the wrong pieces, King David instructs me to go back and get the correct ones, & by the way I "have created a mess." We now have involved my other man neighbor (Pappy)and they both instruct me I have made a mess & send me back to HD, mind you it is a 15 to 20 minute trip to and from the HD.... so each trip takes me 30 to 40 minutes in driving time alone. By the time I get the correct pieces it is dark , King David & Pappy can't make my new pieces fit and we are all like Moe, Larry, & Curly by this time. It so happens D pulls into the drive way now.........

....he takes a look at my "mess" and says some mumbled garbo in a deep voice that I am sure he meant for me to hear but not understand....Moe, Larry, & Curly stand back and wait for the verdict from The Boss.......I think in their inards, Moe & Larry think this is funny and can't wait to rag D out when I am not around......and rag me out when I AM around.....

D- Good Lord Amy you have moved the bladder tank almost a foot or so, you must have hit the thing hard,(he moves the tank physically back to the spot it is supposed to be in , the pipes line up perfectly and he uses this great cutter tool that Moe and Larry ooh and aah over and Curly stands quietly in the background, he works fast, uses some PVC glue and wellllaaah the thing is totally fixed....that quick)

.....after a day of running back and forth, D fixes my mess in like 10 to 15 minutes tops. I still really have no idea which button I should turn off if by some sheer chance it ever happened again....but see, now we store the lawn mower in an out building. So really I can only run into like... our john boat or some saw horses or something, which I have not done yet.

And really, I think I am a better grass mower than him anyway...... just not a better driver (you can ask my mom about that ;oD ...beach trip).

This is a quality about D that brings me security. Though he may not care for the circumstances, he is confident in decision making on all levels. I never feel the need to worry to long, cause D can always fix whatever it is......

...........except my photos and the death of my father..........they are both gone.

...but those things are okay.......they are what they are, the photos will be mine in my memory, and my dad will be mine always in the deepest parts of my heart.

ghetto toes, kicks, screams, and suffocation........

My mom left this morning with May. The two of them headed to Atlanta to get their toes done. Mom fretting over her ghetto toe nails losing a "diamond". She did finally get out to the beach even though her back is not 100% by far. She is still wincing when she moves it certain ways. I looked up the sciatic nerve thing on the web and it said low impact exercise like walking and x,y,z was good for it. So I made her get out of bed and get to the beach and it was surely a good thing. She really only missed one day. We ate b-day cake last night at near 10:00 even though she didn't want to celebrate her b-day either. I think she was glad we blew out candles though she claimed she didn't want to. Plus the cake was good.

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overheard while shopping for gifts...........little boy asking his dad

How come they can take these starfish and sand dollars but we can't? Where did they get these, this is against the beach rules isn't it?

I wanted to tell him,"look little Johnny, these shells came from the Philippines, where they don't give an ocean wave about the quality of life of the starfish and sand dollars...just the almighty dollars

overheard...... Cole telling Maysie and Nana all the names of the men he knew who had "pee dees" and all the names of the girls he knew who did not have a "pee dee."

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Two days in a row Cole played so dang hard and had a freakin ball till he wore himself out completely. I had to literally carry him off the beach screaming and kicking like a wild heathen child, underneath my arm all the way up the beach, up the stairs to the elevator, to the shower, KICKING AND DANG SCREAMING HIS HEAD OFF. That was totally embarrassing. But he took a good nap and he was good to go

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..... Sky and I went shopping at Aldo outlet got a couple great pair of European like sandals for some great prices, Z and I went crazy in Hollister outlet, D & Mom went crazy in the Izod outlet, as stated before Cole went crazy at the beach, couldn't get May to go crazy anywhere.....I am not sure she has acquired the female shopping gene.

That's all I got, besides it's dang hot, Hot, HOT! I am dang fat, Fat, FAT!

That and tomorrow is Fathers Day and my throat hurts to swallow when I think on it to long, my eyes well up with tears and I make myself quit thinking about it. I get that suffocating feeling and loss in my heart hurts awful. I will be glad to get tomorrow behind me ...for me, Leigh, Anthony, and my mom.........DEATH SUCKS!!!!!!!!