Don't tell mom okay?......Si Senor....

CB-  Mesa kims......Messa sims.......Meca sins......oh nevermind.....

A-  Well what about it, forget that word...what was your story about? 

CB- (aggravated with his fist balled up)  ABOOOUUUT  TACOS AND CHIM CHANGS..... THAT SKY EATS!!!

A - OOOOH  "MEX I CANS" ?!

CB- YES! (instant relief comes across his face) They have lots of chiwabas(chihuahuas) there, cause on TV they always speak Spanish......(turns and leaves the room)

------------------------------

CB is finally starting to use his phonics a little more in curiosity.  This signals to me his reading skills are about to take flight.  He will tell people he can't read. His siblings tell him he can't read yet....but he can.  CB thinks if he isn't reading from his reading book...then...he can't read.  Right before all of my other children started to read well, they became curious on their own....trying to figure out what things say before asking me.  When I see this I know it's all good.  When Cole learns to read well....it's all cake! 

This brings me to the laundry room where we all have our own hooks to hang our coats, purses, hats, etc...
Each hook has the first initial of the person it belongs too and they are arranged so as to be in the proper "pecking order."

CB on the top rung of a step stool in his underwear at 6 pm on a Saturday  - MOM!  What do these letters spell?

A- Nothing (cause I know kids...and I have had this conversation before with new readers and teens....and it's always the same...)

CB - Then why are they here?

A- So we all know what hook is our own hook and no one fights over whose is whose....

CB - well which one is Liam's? (his neighbor friend)

A - None CB... they are our family's hooks not the dang neighbors coat hooks, why would they have to hang their coats at our house?

....silence for juuuust a bit....

CB-  .............MOM?!(hollering to me in the kitchen)  Are we the DAM family?

M with me in the kitchen and D in the living room start laughing immediately.

A- No Cole bear! we are the "Williams Family," those are our first name initials... D - DDDDerrick, A - AAAAmy, M- MMMMaysie and so on

CB - Well it says DAMZSC

M & D still haven't stopped snickering

A - Cole it sounds like your are saying "damn" and that is a cuss word, we are not the "Damn Family," we are the "Williams Family." Now don't say that... even if that is the way the letters appear to read.

CB - Ok, Mom. Well can I have a cookie?

------------------------------

Cole is at a friends house down the street.  The mother calls and tells D that Cole has pee'd in his pants.  That he is wearing a pair of her sons shorts but has on the same underwear, he doesn't want to go commando (which is odd frankly).  D is all... well send him home, he can't wear wet underwear he'll get a rash. So CB comes home.

D - What happened buddy?

CB - Liam told a funny joke and it was so funny I pee'd in my pants...

D- You must have held it too long, you gotta go to the bathroom son before that happens.

....D is cleaning CB up with a warm rag.....

CB - Daddy....don't tell Mom...ok?

D - Why?

CB - I don't know just don't

D - Well it'll cost ya, how much money do you have?

CB - I don't have any money........

D - Well I guess yer up the creek then....

CB - I have the dollar the tooth fairy gave me

D - Ok... well then I will take that.

CB - GOSH DAD! The whole dollar??  Can't you just take a quarter?

D pretends to think on it as he finishes getting Cole together.....

D - Ok.... I will take the quarter.

CB-  (happy) Ok, now this is just between me and you right?

D - Yep ....me and you....

------------------------------

This blog is dedicated to Amanda Wester 

who constantly "cheered" me on

until life permitted me a single moment  :o)

wear the charm instead...........

sometime ago stuff cause I need to play catch up.......

I had taken Sky to her orthopedic doctor and Maysie tagged along. So happened that day that Derrick flew in from a conference in Florida. He came straight from the airport to the Dr.'s office as a surprise. The office was full of old folks getting their toenails clipped and new shoes and what not. When D came in the girls were so glad to see him that they jumped up and made a fuss right in the office. The old folks liked the ruckus. D settled into a chair next to a much older than us lady. We began to discuss the weather as it was looking VERY stormy that afternoon.

A- It's getting dark toward Oak Ridge...

Old Lady - You should try living in Michigan!

A- Why's that? Is it darker there than here? (not being fresh with her, just curious)

Old Lady - (cricket, cricket...Me, D, & May catching each others eyes)

A- Well, I don't think I 'd like it in Michigan...it's so cold there huh?

Old Lady- Oh...I don't know. I don't remember, But I do remember my brother had the whooping cough at a week old.

I am like...what the heck does that have to do with the price of gold in China??

So all 4 of us squeeze into the room designated for our visit with the doctor. I was unsure whether we had seen this doctor in the practice before so I was giving Sky the run down of things not to do as usual. In all ways Sky is brutally honest. The OCD makes her say the truth in the most detailed way so as not to tell a lie.

When she gets nervous she will blurt out random facts....true things that could be embarrassing if I were so inclined to be. I used to be, but now I am used to it and know to expect random facts that cause cringing.

So the regular speech goes like this...

A- Look, I don't know which doctor you are seeing today. Please keep your random blurting to yourself. Hold it, HOLD it, HOLD IT! Do not say things that I have to explain and side track our visit. Do not say, "I farted" or "Mom broke a wooden spoon on a book cause Zac didn't understand math averages" or "Your breath stinks." If it comes into your brain, HOLD IT!

May- Sky, for real, don't act like a freak. DO NOT FART, this room is small.

D- Yeah, this room is small.

All of these things have happened more than once. Her gastro doc thinks she is so cute and funny he is often sidetracked. He gets so silly with her whacked out comments that she has him so giddy he neglects to see the seriousness of my worries. Then two weeks later we have to come back cause we were dismissed casually....."cause she appeared healthy" and I appeared like a stick in the mud, as usual, and overzealous. The second visit usually gets some stuff done.

Anyone who knows Sky...knows her digestive system, mostly her bowels are not right. Our children's pastor can call it if she has let it go...even silently, it's that distinct. My mom can testify to the foul things that must be inside of her...and so could my dad God love him.

So I tell her..."Instead focus on the charm. You know how to do that. Put it on and wear that instead of the OCD. I can't do OCD today Sky, I mean it. Show daddy how you charm the doctors. He hasn't seen this before.

M- Oh Lord Mom really??

.....the doc comes in, one we have seen before. Smiles, smiles, smiles, handshaking, explain what the situation is, he starts checking Sky's feet. She turns the charm up about 5 notches. Longest eyelashes in the world batting slowly, I think her eyes became bluer or something on command, talking really nice, and doing just what he says to the tee, smiling at him like she is in love with him, manners galore, big words and intelligence spewing from her mouth to engage in his conversation....he calls her sweetheart & cutie pie, he smiles showing all his teeth. The doc says amazing things about her this and her that, has her walk up and down the halls for the nurses as if she is "on the catwalk" they ooooh and aaaah and tell her she is the bomb basically. I mean I really expected a mirror ball to descend the from the ceiling and someone to give her a scepter & cloak

The doctor gushes a bit more while finishing off THOROUGHLY and excuses himself to get some stuff.

The door shuts.

S - ...aaaaaand that's how it's done people. (grinning from ear to ear)

D - Oh Lord. We're in trouble.

May- Sky, jeez....better that than Turrets Syndrome, at least it's pleasant.

it's good the cuss word cop doesn't have a billy stick........

This morning CB was taking a bath while I was getting Skylar ready to go for her dental appointment for sealants. He was going over things that made "Jesus cry"......or rain fall from the sky, Jesus' tears.

I relayed that I always thought that rain was Jesus overflowing his bath water.

To this Sky responded that my thinking could not be right because Jesus was perfect in every way. He wouldn't be dirty and surely not forgetful in turning off His bath water.

CB tells us when people use "t words" it makes Jesus cry.

A- Well, what are "t words?"

CB- Like cuss words or saying "Oh my God" instead of saying "gosh."

S- Cole you always say Oh my God.


CB- No I don't Sky!

S- yes you do liar

A- Sky!  Really?!

S- Well he is a liar and he does use God's name in vain.

.......backtracking in my mind a bit......

Over the holidays we were at a neighbors house for a get together.  Sky called another adult out for using a cuss word...like, damn or something.

Sky is the cuss word cop. She is violent too...if she had a billy stick it would be bad.  The cuss word cop comes from part of her OCD stuff that makes me want to pull my hair out strand by strand with a pair of tweezers some days.  She hears a cuss word then thinks bad thoughts, then spends all day to a couple of days confessing that she has been thinking about the foul word EVERY TIME IT CROSSES HER MIND! Her medication ramps up her OCD issues at times and the confessing constantly is tedious. I'll save this rant for another day.

So when the cuss word cop called out the offending adult. I was embarrassed.  I was embarrassed a little because it came across as my child is calling out an adult on their behavior. It appeared disrespectful in the whole of the situation...especially in another persons house.

But the truth be told... why do adults need to swear in front of children?....or at all?

A Methodist pastor friend of ours said to me over a couples dinner many years before both couples had children, I may have been pregnant...when haven't I been pregnant....he said, "I always felt like people used cuss words when they couldn't think of a more clever word to use."

That really stuck with me.  I have conveyed that sentiment to my own children.  With so many wonderful words to choose from, why use the bad ones?

...but alas I still use them sometimes.  I use them most when I want to put a redneck, big, fat, exclamation point on a thought that conveys I mean business.

  Really? Do I mean business or just sound like a red neck?

Like, one day I was putting on a new shower head. I was up and down the ladder cause the dang thing would not loosen. I had to keep switching tools and getting plumbers tape and this and that & oh yeah what about this tool....up and down, up and down, on and on...every time I came down the ladder Zachary and Maysie were right under my feet, for crying out loud, I was stepping all over them...Why were they UNDER MY STINKING FEET  in the shower??

So.......I am coming down the ladder and I step on Zac's feet......

A- Will you please move your ASS??


Zac and May are shocked and look at each other but did not move.  Zac and I are face to face now in the shower.

Zac looks at Maysie then at me and says - Now you apologize to Maysie. (insinuating May is his ass)

We all start laughing and forget about it....except for Sky

She reminds me at the lunch table that she heard me say a cuss word in the shower and that I could surely have picked a more clever word, and did I ask God to forgive me?


I had been having an eventful morning. One of those days when things happen that shouldn't. Each thing you fix leads to something else that needs attention immediately and before you know it 4 hours has gotten by and what really needed to be accomplished hasn't happened yet and still needs to happen...only now your eating into the schedule 4 hours which puts you going to bed 4 hours later.

So Sky called me out and though she was correct, I lost my sanity in front of all my children at the lunch table and said

A- ASS, ass, ass, ass, ASS, ASS, ass, hell, hell, hell, damn and one more time for good measure, ASS!!

.......cricket, cricket.........

Zac busted out laughing.

May is hands over her mouth speak no evil and Sky is hands over her ears hear no evil.


Cole wants to know if he can have 3 cookies cause he finished all  his lunch.

I am like, gosh where'd that come from?  It was quite therapeutic...for about a minute or so.

M- Well now, that was quite pleasant.  I'm so glad we don't go to public school to learn language like that. I feel smarter already.
...................................................

So we're back in the bathroom with Sky calling out CB's ability to become a professional liar.

A- Skylie, Babe, you know you are absolutely correct to say we shouldn't use cuss words or lie or whatever.  But when you call people out on their sin in front of others two things happen. First, they get embarrassed and second they want to look for a fault in you to call out, so they can show others you sin too. Not that they want to hurt your feelings, but they are human and don't want to feel displaced.  Is the behavior right? No, but drawing a room full of people's attention to another person's sin isn't right either.

I reminded her of the incident at the neighbors house calling out the adult and that this was not the first instance of that either, that it came across as disrespectful more than trying to keep her mind clean.  Which all of us fully understand and outsiders don't.

I reminded her of the Bible story of the women who had been found with another man, like a boyfriend, while she was married. She was going to be stoned to death for this act.  The men brought her to Jesus to see what he would say about it.  Jesus wrote some words in the sand. Some say each man with a stone, ready to cast at the woman, viewed the words written by Jesus as his own secret sin...then Jesus stood and said, "Those without sin should cast the first stones."  When the girl looked up, there was not one man there waiting to stone her, for they all knew they were sinners, the same as she.  Jesus told her to go and sin no more.

I asked Sky if she was she perfect? Would she be able to cast the first stone?  Did she have a secret sin that only she ...and maybe me & Jesus knew about?

Sky expressed that she was glad the girl was not stoned to death and was able to live.  Sky affirmed that she knew she too, was a sinner. She knew she did some things that surely made Jesus unhappy. She understood that she had been casting stones casually and carelessly for her own sake.

I was so moved by her ability to understand this concept and readily accept this correction. I thought of how good God is to give us these moments with our children to teach in them in the way they should go. To be able to trust Him to know and understand what he has to teach our children through us as parents using the wisdom He gives us in His Book.  It takes my breath away, how good and right God is everyday and never failing.

I made a New Years resolution today to try really hard not to cast a bunch of stones casually and carelessly for the sake of myself.  I can't count the times Christ wrote my sins in the sand this past year and I kicked my foot over it so I wouldn't have to read it.

I'm done with that.

it's time to play "Let's Make a Deal"...........

Put on the Guy Smiley face with the Vince Fontain(Grease) voice when reading this......

Guy- THANK YOU,

FANS AND FRIENDS AND ODDS AND ENDS.

YOU JIMS AND SALS ARE MY BEST PALS. 

TO LOOK YOUR BEST FOR THE BIG CONTEST, 

BE YOURSELVES AND HAVE A BALL, AFTER ALL. 

FORGET ABOUT THE CAMERA AND 

THINK ABOUT THE BEAT. 

GIVE THE FOLKS A TREAT.

Now let's get ready to play 

LET'S   MAKE   A  DEAL    WITH   

          A   BABY!!!!!

The crowd goes wild.

A- Cole if you quit sucking your thumb, we'll buy you 

     a scooter!

CB- What color? Green?

A- YES!  Can we make a deal???

CB- YES!

.....5 months later, thumb sucking

A- Cole, if you take a bath I won't wash your hair!  Can 

     we make a deal?

Cole - YES!

 .....in the tub screaming and gnashing of teeth trying 

       to bathe.

A- Cole, If you are a good boy today while I am taking Sky

         to the Doctor I will buy you a Hot Wheel!  Can we

           make a deal son??

CB- Yes, Momma, I'll be a good boy!

    ...when I get home I hear nothing but havoc that was 

   wreaked and how they're never going to keep him again. 

     Here's the thing, one on one time is angelic....two on

    one time or three on one time....demonic whine fest.

A - Cole are you going to play soccer on your next game 

        and tuck your shirt in?

CB - yes Momma, I AM I CAN'T WAIT TO PLAY MY 

        SOCCER GAME.

A- Can we make a deal?

CB- YES!

....get to the soccer field last night with a shirt tucked 

in, ready to play.  

On the field the games starts. He 

decides he doesn't want to play after all.

..........strand by strand with tweezers, I tell ya.

...With CB it is all about the follow up.  We had asked him if he wanted to play    soccer.  He said, "yes."

"Okay then, you'll have to tuck your shirt in and be part of 

your team."  He understands this and relays to us he was 

just tired the last game and so forth...leading us to believe 

this was a one  time fluke event.

Um, no.

I had told him if he showed his butt again we were not 

going to stay at the field.  That I was going to take him

home and he would go to bed. We had to drive a long way 

over to the field, Dad has to get off work early, everyone is

adjusting to fit your needs.... so bad attitude = go home 

and go to bed.

CB- Okay Momma.

Last night, after looking forward to playing a game all day

and tucking his shirt in effortlessly...he had a melt down 

on the field and would not play.  I relayed our deal....no

playing, bad attitude = go home and go to bed.

He called my bluff.

CB- I want to go home and go to bed, I don't want to play.

He is just about to get worked up into a fit, I can see the

horse back leg kicking moves about to commence.  So I 

tell him to get up we are leaving.  He leaves the field 

area sucking his thumb, with D still coaching his team. 

The other parents are looking at me like, "What the heck?" 

I suspect. I tried not to imagine the thoughts going 

through their minds, cause.....EMBARRASSED.

I have to deal with the follow through.

I 100% understand the boy is 4 3/4 years old.  I 

understand he may not be ready for organized sports

no matter how hard he plays in the back yard.  I

understand kids get tired by the end of the day.  I 

mean he's my 4th kid for petes sake, but his blatant

determination to not do what he originally said he was 

going to do, irritates the crap out of me. 

D told me I should have left him at the field and made him 

sit the game out,  tis what my mom told me also.  Which is

what we did last week.  CB is clever enough to remember 

if we followed through or not, he forgets nothing. 

He knows exactly how far he can push before the gong 

rings.

My parenting skills suck these days.  I have been praying

for grace to be a better parent incessantly since we got in

the car last night.  I don't want to come this close to the 

teenager-hood in my older kids and lose my perspective 

now with the youngest one.  

I thought by now I would have worked out all these kinks.

um, no.

All this to say...

You CAN NOT make a deal 

      with a baby.

*

To tuck or not to tuck, my friends, that is the blasted question........

Cole had his very first ever soccer game yesterday.

We have been waiting since he signed up for his first big game. I made sure he ate well all day. I made sure he had a nap. I made sure all his gear was clean and ready to be put on when he woke up from his nap. Maysie had her Flip to record all the fun stuff, Zac had the water bottles ready to go, we all rubbed Sky's magic belly for good luck, D got home a little early so we could all ride together.

Excitement in the Williams household.

Did all that preparation work for me?


um, no.


Before we left Z told CB he'd have to tuck his shirt in. The little kid's shirts are too long. I had personally hoped they wouldn't have to be tucked in at the age, cause that would be a lot of tucking. But alas it was a rule that must be obeyed for the game. CB almost had a melt down at the house about tucking that shirt in. I had asked Z to just leave him alone I figured once we got to the field I would casually tuck it in and we'd move on.

um, no.

D casually tucked his shirt in once at the field and all was well in the universe. All the stars lined up properly till CB burst into tears and wanted his shirt untucked.

About this time I was walking up with the cooler full of after game drinks and snacks. I am like what the heck is wrong now? M, Z, D, & CB all at once try to explain to me that CB will not tuck his shirt in. No shirt tucked in = no playing(to put the pressure on).

Z is in shear panic the whole game cause CB isn't going to get to play and CB is sabotaging himself with his pride...it is literally making Z crazy. May is going on about how she can't film him and trying to guilt him. Sky is rubbing it in his face that he is not going to get to have a Capri-Sun drink and fruit roll up by drinking a Capri-Sun drink in his face. CB doesn't care his pride is now firmly cemented. I am embarrassed by his behavior and trying to do the right parenting thing. Secretly on the inside, I want to insist that he get his butt on the field and play like he is supposed too or pull my hair out strand by strand with a pair of tweezer in sheer torture.

To make a hour and a half long story short. I told him we had paid for all that gear and he committed to playing on the team, now Dad had committed to coaching and by golly HE WAS GOING TO TUCK THAT STUPID SHIRT IN EVEN if he sat in the chair on the sidelines.

Which is what he did.

That little boy had determined in his mind that if he had to have his shirt tucked in, he WAS NOT GOING TO PLAY...even if Jesus came back I don't think he would have got up out of that chair, he was so full of himself. Strand by strand I tell you......

Not once did he ask me to get up, not once did he say he would play. He would only convey that I was being mean and he wanted his shirt untucked.

After the game he did not ask for a Capri-Sun or fruit roll up not even in the car on the ride home. D handled the whole thing much better than I thought he would. I thought he would read him the Right Act about his attitude, but he didn't. He conveyed his disappointment and explained how the team had to work harder because he didn't do his part. Explaining how other team members had to be extracted from the opposing team to fill in his spot and relayed what we put down as parents for him to play. When we got home we made him go to his room for a while and then onto bed. He was not happy about that at all.

I conveyed to D that I was proud of him for not losing his temper and handling CB so well. The other kids clapped for him and gave him the standing ovation treatment. They were proud of him too.

In the end though, when I kissed CB goodnight, he was happy. It was as if that evening had never happened and had been erased from his mind.

CB- Goodnight Mommy, I want to give you a kiss on the lips(its his thing).

A- (kiss, big squeezy hug) Okay CB see you in the morning. After tonight we are never going to bring this up again okay. You are going to be expected to do better with out having to be reminded of this day.

CB- I know Mommy. I am going to play next time. I want to play soccer. I'm going to wear my shirt tucked in. (He is telling me these things so easily, they are just flowing out smooth and velvety....I just can't understand why he so happily says them now and so stubbornly refused them just 3 hours earlier.)

A- Okay, sounds good( I give him a big hug and leave)

CB- Go get Daddy and tell him I want a kiss goodnight please.

I tell D.

D and CB have some conversation I can't hear over the air purifier though I am trying so hard to hear it my eyes are squinting for better reception. I can't make it work and move on.

Later that evening, I was conveying to D my severe agitation at having to tuck the dumb shirt in anyway, cause they were too long. To which he said something along the lines of - Thats what's wrong with kids. They aren't made to follow the rules, they make them up as they go along and they expect everyone in life to play along. When kids don't get their way they pride up, people give in and, they learn that if they stomp their feet long enough they get what they demand and don't have to earn it and to heck with respect for themselves or anyone else....the shirt tucked is a principle point about respecting the rules of the game, himself, and his team mates, and his coach. (in a quick nutshell)

I understood that perfectly and it was very valid.

Ugh!! My inability to know how to deal with it publicly was frustrating. It put me on the spot about my child's pride issue. All the peeps in our little family pull their weight pretty good, especially when pressed. Last night Cole did exactly the thing that none of my children have ever done...wait me out and won, while wallowing in pride. I commented to one parent, half joking-half not, that I ought to make him wear his pajamas tucked in to bed tonight. I didn't though...cause he sleeps in his underwear....

I have seen kids do that kind of stuff before, but I had always had the whole "not my kid syndrome." Consistently, CB has been the one who teaches me how to handle parenting skills that I have never had to access before.

I mean it really is a truth that no two kids are the same. Some may come close, but they are not the same. I can see distinct differences in all 4 of my children.

This goes back to me saying 100 times.....

Parenting is freaking hard work!

I have to just keep telling myself.....he's only been alive for 4 years, he is still a super young human with a lot more lessons to learn....


......and teach me about parenting apparently.


Thank you God for grace, I crave it.

*

try again Momma, I'm getting in...........

Me showing Cole his new soccer uniform......

A- Hey Cole! Want to see your new soccer shirt buddy?

C- COOOOL! It's purple and it has two'd two on it!

......he's number "22"

......................................................................

I'm going through one of those times where no matter how many towels I wash there are never any towels in my bathroom to dry off with. For like 3 days or so I have dried myself off with a hand towel or two. I washed two loads of towels yesterday. When I went to take a shower one load was in the wash and the other in the dryer...so I was gonna use two small hand towels.....again.

....but Cole came in, stripped off his clothes, climbed into the tub and took one for himself. I thought I had locked the door, cause he's getting bigger and I don't want him in the bathroom with me anymore. I must have just missed the full shut (which is obviously, car door verticalness, not uncommon) so when he pushed the door and burst in with full 4 year old energy, this occurred....

A- Get out.

CB- No Momma, I wanna get in, but I don't want you to wash me off with soap. I just wanna play cars with you (stripping off his clothes).

A- I'm not playing cars CB, don't get in the tub. If you get in I am going to wash your hair with the blue shampoo(he hates this I know he'll leave now).

CB- NoooOOOOooo, the blue shampoo is in the garbage can, I see the bottle.....try again Momma, I'm getting in.

He does, I don't wash his hair, and I do play cars for about 10 minutes cause that's all I can handle and I pull the plug.

I am drying off with my paper towel, I mean my hand towel, and CB is standing on the toilet trying to dry his own hair. He is spewing off as many foul words as he can muster.....

CB- snot, dooky, fart sniffing dog breath, stinky spit globs in yer toe funky socks, rotten teeth, armpit hair, you are a dummy...

A- COLE! That's enough! What is wrong with you? Stop talking like that, it sounds awful. What would make you think to say all those not desirable things in one mouthful.

CB- I don't know, I just like saying random things sometimes.

I'm like, what the heck does he know about saying random things...and what the heck does he know about the word random?....

CB- Mom, I am gonna hide under here(under the sink where towels for your body are supposed to be) and I want you to find me.

A- You're under the sink.

CB- How did you know?

A- Cause you are the only naked child in here who told me they were going to hide under the sink.

CB- Okay I am gonna hide in Daddy's closet and you come find me.

A- No

CB- Yes Momma, I'm not gonna get dressed unless you find me.

A- I am not gonna find you cause I have to take Z to W*** & C*****'s and I have to get dressed. If you're going with me you better get some clothes on.

CB- I'm just going naked cause you won't find me.

A- That's fine, whatever Cole Bear.

CB- Fine, I'm going into the car now with no clothes on cause you won't find me.

A- Fine.

CB- ...and I am going to rub the seat belt all over my naked butt and get naked Cole Bear all over the seat belt.

A- CB, Fine whatever dude, I'm fixin to leave, for real. That won't bother me one bit (but I'm thinking Z won't like that at all).

I head out the bathroom door, call out to Z to rock and roll, and head towards the car...Z propels himself down his stairs like boulder coming through he floor.

Z- GET SOME CLOTHES ON COLE, GOSH!

CB- NO! Cause Momma won't play with me! I'm not gonna wear clothes today ZACHARY!

Z slams the garage door and is getting in the car with me.....

CB-(in the house).......Momma DON'T leave me!

wait for it...........wait for it............wait for it.........

I hear stomping and panic crying, nothing, stomping, panic crying and the door to the garage area where we are waiting flies open. I can see that I have won the battle of wills ....yet again, by calling his buff, er I mean his bluff...

CB emerges from the house, gets into the car, slams the door.....he is wearing a Dale Earnhardt, Jr. too big shirt that used to be mine, that he sleeps in and black cowboy boots. He gets into the car and I begin to back out.

CB- Momma....you didn't make me put these clothes on. I wanted to put theses clothes on...and these boots too.

A- Okay CB, you just didn't want the big boys to see you naked in the car. I thought you were gonna rub yer naked Cole Bear butt all over the seat belt...

Z- No! He isn't! That's disgusting!

CB- I am. I am just gonna do it later. I just wanted to wear my clothes for a minute.



What's that quote?

"No one ever choked to death swallowing his pride"

.......or something...

Yer skull monkeys must be cannibals........

Last night I was reading to Sky before bed.

I don't care what book I am reading ALL of my kids want to be present. I could be reading something like Little Danny Loves Dinosaurs or How To Resolve Mechanical Maneuvers That Require Numerous Maniacal Procedures .

They want to hear it.

I was reading My Dumb Diary, Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jim Benton. It's main character is a crazy comical middle school girl. The book is pretty funny to me, and so are the pictures.

So the main character is going on about how her best friend is not so brainy and says something like this,
"...if brains were bananas, let's just say that there would be a lot of skinny monkeys scraping around the inside of Isabella's skull."

With this statement is a picture of Einstein's skull monkey who is fat as a tater in a bikini standing next to Isabella's toothpick, starving skull monkey in a bikini.....the pictures are funny to me and we all giggle at them.

A- I bet my skull monkey is HOT ! Cause I am not too stupid and not too smart...though she might be cross-eyed cause I can't remember anything.

Z- Well Sky, your skull monkeys must be pretty skinny....

M - Yeah well Zac, yer skull monkeys must be freakin cannibals then.....

....we all start laughing, including Zac. He then shoves as much of his hand into his mouth as he can signaling that his skull monkeys, being so hungry and in idiocy, have begun to eat their own selves. It is hilarious.

.....................................................................

Yesterday May and I walk into the kitchen while CB has a friend over. They are moving in severe fast forward motion away from a kool-aid pitcher that has a handle on the top. This handle is used to mix kool-aid powder with water inside of the pitcher.

Immediately upon us entering.... the herky jerky, up and down, swooshing the sugared drink mix motion ceases.

CB says - We aren't doing anything.


(okay, Little Larry Lies a Lot)


CB & his friend look at each other cautiously.

May & I look at each other and exchange the... you so just busted yourselves... look ....

A- Cole, do you want lemonade son?

CB - ....um....(looks at his friend)Yes.

.....................................................................

Maysie discussing with me dissecting some crayfish in her biology class this year.

M- The book then says...and these are the crayfish testicles...I mean, do I get to wear gloves, right? Cause I could live my whole life without touching crayfish testicles....

Z hollering from another room somewhere in the house far from us - They look like noodles!!

....coming from the boy who can't hear his own self fart in the same room, but can hear a conversation about crayfish testicles from down the street.

...........................................................................

At the Game Haven while PJ was here.......I am having to paddle my way through Slobber River because all of the males in the store are trying to figuring out which game to purchase with their mouth in the open position.

To me this store is the equivalent of a woman in a shoe store with 100 pairs of Italian leather shoes to try on.

Sky locates a DS game called "My Stop Smoking Coach."

This is a mind boggling thing to process for May and I.

It starts this babbling, in valley girl voice overs.....

M- Oh this game was my savior. I just totally pretended to smoke my stylus pen, it was so convenient to have right there in my game system. When I couldn't get that high feeling for satisfaction, I just totally stuck my tongue on the battery charger.

A- Oh sweet. Did you totally have to go outside to the designated lick yer battery section or could you lick it the middle of a restaurant after dinner?

M- Fer sure. I so licked my battery in the restaurant....but my smoking coach totally deducted from my score.

A- W H A T E V E RRRR, that is so totally buggin.



May and I had to leave the store after that, we were about to get stupid.

he has this awful red afro and way too much lipstick...........

This past Monday I took my kids and PJ to Dollywood.

IT WAS SO FREAKING HOT!

I had told the kids, "Look, you may as well just resign yourselves to being hot, thirsty, sweaty, salty, sticky, and stinky today and all day. The heat will never subside, so soak in the fun and try to keep it together."

Right off the bat Sky was measured wrong and they claimed she was still too short to ride any of the rides except the idiot ducks....which means Cole can only ride the idiot ducks. So they both got banded with kiddie ride arm bands. Sky's demeanor went down visibly and immediately. So did mine and May's for her.

The Dolly Dame claimed Sky was 1/4 of and inch to short and WOULD NOT let her slide. I was thinking about getting stupid and some other parents looked at me like I should get stupid. I did ask her if she could please just give the next up arm band, she's almost eight and doesn't want to have a season pass to ride the dumb ducks, 1/4 of an inch..... come on.....

She then pulled Sky out of line and explained to me the constitution of the United States and about all measurement regarding the shelves on the bottom of the ocean floor and tall building construction & frying eggs.

I was about to grow a beard and die twice waiting for her to shut up.

Like those times when I get a ticket.....yes, yes....I understand, you're right......hmmm.......really........yes, yes, yes...........okay, okay...........yes, thank you, fake smile, leave, cut the arm band off and hope for lesser attentive ride workers.

That was the right thing to do. BOTH Sky and Cole were quite able to ride almost every ride except the huge roller coasters. Which is fine. Because Sky was an inch and 1/2 taller than she was measured according to the marking sticks. She was able to ride a few of rides by herself. This free'd me up to ride with CB who measured repeatedly rider with an adult in tow.

When I needed another adult for Sky..........lied again and claimed PJ was 16. Which isn't that off base really, he's 15 1/2 or something. He was glad to help me out.

An adult that teaches a kid to lie is not a good thing. It had to be done though for all things great and small if this day was to be remotely tolerable for me.

Can you imagine what kind of whining I would have had to endure while two hot miserable kids complain about riding ducks, flying pigs, and some bees. Uuuuhh, no, not even going there. I felt no Jiminy Cricket about it at all.

The night before we left for Dollywood, the 5 of them were on the dock swimming after dinner and came up with a rap called Down With the Ducks at Dollywood. One kid was the beat box, two were the back ground vocals and one was the rapper...the other two of us were the laughers, cause that crap was so dang funny. I wished I had it on video, hilarious.

Cole rode some super scary rides for a 4 year old that Maysie wouldn't even ride, loved'em and wanted more. He's a brave, crazy little sucker.

Can I just say......I loved going to Dollywood with all of the young people. Even though I was the only adult, I had a blast.

When it was about time for us to head home God overflowed the bathtub and used the nice folks at Dollywood to mop it up.

I had the kids wait at the exit while I rode the tram in side of the face slapping rain, thunder and lightening, then jogged to my car. I was glad I had been using my treadmill cause I was totally not out of breath at all. I felt pleased with myself.

So I got into my car in clothes so wet that I looked as if I had jumped into a pool. I pulled the car around to get the kids who are the most amazing mind reading children ever. They had folded up the stroller, divided up the conglomeration of cups, balls, wet tennis shoes, & socks and were making haste to the vehicle when they saw me. I swear I loved them for being intuitive.

Let me just take this time to say PJ is one of the most awesome teens I know. I know quite a few cool teenagers actually, but PJ is genuinely kind, loving, grateful, respectful, courteous, and super funny. Despite the fact I corrupted him with telling lies about his age at Dollywood, I observe that he is honest and not easily influenced by others. I am glad Z has had the opportunity to hang out with him relentlessly this summer. He's an awesome influence on Z. He handles Z's strong personality & touching issues with ease as if he has handled it right along with my family forever. I will miss him when he goes home and I know Z will also.

Anyhoo.... we got stuck in Pigeon Forge traffic for entirely too long in entirely too wet clothes. My bra was glued to my body and my pants were starting dry on the top but completely hot and soaking wet underneath on my butt. We were all cold on the top and hot & sticky on the bottom. The car was starting to smell like musty corn chips. It was bad. The guys took off what they could and still be decent, Sky took off what she could and was indecent, as usual and didn't care at all.

May and I were in mind over matter mode......just focus on getting home.

We did stop at McDonald's to eat.

We're in the bathroom washing our hands and so forth......drying our clothes with hand dryers......

Sky bustin in the bathroom door - Mom! There is this totally creepy clown sitting on a chair out there and he has this awful red afro and way too much lipstick.

Let's face it, it wouldn't be my first............

Yesterday Ms. P invited me and my tribe to go to the Farmers Market in Knoxvegas with her and her tribe.

I accepted.

I had a ball.

In my mind I pictured the farmers market in Santa Fe. I immediately started to drool over the possible purchase of honey sticks. I felt excited about hippies with guitars and homemade pitchouli soap. When I told May we were going to the farmers market she was all, "BLUEBERRY HONEY STICKS!!! ShaZAM!"

I'm like, "I know, right?!"

The farmers market didn't turn out to be that much really. But I did purchase some awesome blackberries that didn't even come close to making it home. Between her 4 and my 4, the blackberries didn't stand a chance. I got some outstanding raspberries, that I have not been able to keep my hands off of. I got some green beans & okra too.

I didn't have to pay for parking at the meter either. My meter wasn't working properly after I fed it not enough dimes and nickels and Ms. P fed it another quarter, so I resigned myself to getting another ticket. Let's face it, it wouldn't be my first. After all, I consider myself to be a professional ticket payer. I probably own that meter anyway.

.......but to be on the safe side....I told on myself to this ticket writing officer on a bicycle and this other cop in a car that were chatting with some other long haired dude. Ms. P and I descended upon them three with all our kids defending the silver bullet before we even stated our case.

Cop(kidding us)- So you want me to believe you two fed the meter? I'm supposed to have some pity on you?.....

A- Yes, absolutely look at all these kids. You can clearly see we are outnumbered severely? Absolutely, show us some mercy man, please......

The smiling cop relays to us if the meters aren't working it's on them and we'll get not ticket. So I underpaid to begin with probably and then got a free ride. I was pretty dang happy about that.

Ms. P- Well that's not fair, I had to pay, I gave you my last quarter.

A - I know, but I'm not gonna get a ticket! I totally owe you a quarter.

When I got change I gave her two or three of my quarters then I took one back cause I needed change for something. Thank goodness the next place we went we didn't have to pay for parking. Cause I didn't have anymore quarters and I don't think she did either.

After we shopped at the market a bit we stopped and had our picnic lunches in the shaded area of the park. We all gabbed about nonsense without any effort. It was wonderful.

After lunch we headed over to the Worlds Fair Park to play in the big fountains. They really were a treat out of our everyday norm. All of my kids had a ball and were tired on the ride home. We had to cut the afternoon short when thunder clouds started to build up and behave disorderly.

Here's what was so fun about the day to me. The market and fountains are something I have never done in Knoxvegas before. I was able to do them with a family that I am completely comfortable with. I never feel the need to curtail my personality cause Ms. P doesn't seem to mind my family is louder than hers. We hadn't spent any real time with them as group in a long time.

It was great to not feel like I had to squeeze 3 hours worth of conversation in a kid exchange in the Rite-Aid parking lot in the rain.

I love days when it requires little to no effort to make it all happen. This day could've been completely whacked.

I started off a little over an hour behind unknown to me. The clock I was counting on hadn't been reset from the power outage the day before. May got up and had asked me why I hadn't gotten her up, "Are we going?"

I suddenly realized we should be leaving the house right that very minute. It was like someone hit the bees nest and bees went flying about. I originally thought this day is gonna be a bust. Why can't anything be easy?

Then suddenly............it was.

I swear, I love living in the south......

On Saturday night the kids and I took in a church service in Oak Ridge. The message and the worship was .........AWESOME.

I totally left feeling like I needed to rearrange the way I serve the Lord. So that as I stand before him with the gifts I have to offer Him in my service.... are handed to him like a precious, beautifully wrapped gifts that I could be extremely excited for Him to open and not like throwing them down at his feet and saying, "Hey Jesus, here's my stuff that I did in yer name hope you like it."....feeling ashamed of my service in His name.

I learned some stuff I didn't know, and it excited me. I was thinking, who can I witness too cause dag gone...God Is So GOOD, how can I not want people to know where my hope comes from!!!

It isn't that I haven't told others about Christ when He has prompted me. It's just my attitude has been luke warm, and that isn't my norm. I can't stand that feeling. It's almost as if I have taken my salvation for granted and my light only shines on the direct path in front of me in the complete darkness.

When I left Saturday night. My light was surely brighter and I felt I could see a greater distance on the spiritual path that I am on. So I could take my steps more firmly and with more confidence, knowing that I have a powerful one that lives in me and in a mighty way.

So glad I made the drive. It has been well worth it. For me and my children.

..........................................................

On that same note, we spent the afternoon after church Sunday with The Powers Family. We had an awesome time swimming and catching up. We spoke of good things that made us smile. We ate hot dogs with home made chili and key lime pie with big bottles of green tea and soda. We nailed each other with water footballs in the pool, choked each other by blowing water through water noodles into each others faces, tried to float "in the peace zone," and got a little too much sun before the thunderstorms rolled in.

It was an awesome way to spend a Sunday. Everybody in my family had a great time and slept well that evening.

Thanks Powers Family for the invite, it was totally fun!!

...........................................

Side note - Mrs. Great Garden called before she came over this morning!

I was able to brush my hair, put on some light lip gloss.....and I had just finished doing my dishes and beds were made.

She didn't come in, but man, we had a long conversation in my driveway with Cornelia who also came over to get some fE fI fO fUM giant veggie's. It was probably our best conversation yet. So glad I was able to do that and redeem myself.

Later that day, the air conditioner guys came over. I had 7 kids in my house. I was just fixin to kick them out cause they were loud. They were trying to tell me it was too hot to be outside, but I am hard core.

I shoved ice pops in their hands and told'em to hit the hammock and most of them did.

So as the air guys are pulling their van to a stop and park it, I am shooing peeps out the door....7 seven of them. So PJ (King David's teen grandson) is behind me......

PJ- I hate to ask you this, but I have too.....do you have your good bra on? (insert snicker, snicker, snicker, passing me on my right and out the laundry room door. Z laughs.)

I actually have a reality check moment. Do I??

Oh yep, I do.

A- Shut it PJ. (I try to kick him in his butt before he can move, but alas he's swiftly and purposefully faster than me and down the steps)

Air Guy- (First thing he says to me) How many kids do you have?

A- I only have 4 but I swear when you kick an ant hill it looks like more right? They have a few friends over. I just keep the Lemonade cold and the ice pops frozen, you know what I mean?

Air Guys smiles, "I'm hearin ya sister."

At that moment I know I live in the south and love it.

The air condition guy did understand and he called me sister.

This is the kind of conversation that only southerners get to experience.

By the end of their job they were both sweating. I brought them a freezing cold pitcher of water and glasses for the cool beverage to go in....cause all drinks taste better and colder in glass vs plastic.

Two dirty, sweaty, southern guys, chatting with me as if they new me their whole lives, drinking my refreshing glasses of water, and thanking me with sincere gratitude. They purposefully replaced my pitcher and glasses in my garage so as to show me gratitude instead of leaving it as a mess for me to clean up when they left.

I swear, I love living in the south.

righty tighty lefty loosey..........

I was looking through some crap in my closet searching for something totally unrelated to my blog and found a three ring binder. The binder had some stuff I had jotted down so I wouldn't forget .........

The Rare Amylesaurus, BB (Before Blog)

2008, when Sky was 5 -

Thank goodness for Sky, because she finally told me what is wrong with this world.

S - "The problem with this world is that some people just smell bad and they need to take a bath."

I'm glad I got that figured out.

.....................................................

So Sky is eating dinner, she serves me this......

S- If while I was eating this noodle dinner my teeth suddenly came out and I got choked on them and died, would you take my teeth and put them under your pillow and keep the money or would you bury them with me?

A- Gosh Sky, what do you think I would do Babe?........ I would take the teeth and keep the money.

S- (voice cracking) MOMMY!

A- What?!

.........................................................

M - So, Mom, What if I dream that I am a worm with a mustache.....what does that mean?

.........................................................

June 18, 2008 - Cole is 2

Getting squirt with the water hose while weeding the front flower bed.....pretty sneaky...

...especially when your two year old does it without prodding from his older siblings...

I can barely remember how to turn the hose on, with the help of "righty tighty lefty loosey."

It's not like he squirt me a little bit either, he had the hose on full throttle, like putting out a fire.

I squealed in freezing cold, crazed out shock for second, cause I totally didn't see it coming. Cole squealed with sheer delight showing all his thumb suckin, buck teeth....jumping up and down at his ability to accomplish his task.........and well.

Once I regained some sense of clear thinking ability, I thought to myself.......

.....Self, that kid is pretty smart............and sneaky.

..............................................

July 9, 2008 - Cole is 2....a month later or so

So now I know Cole can cut the water hose on. I am well aware he can carry out a sneak attack with courage and determination.

I am letting him water some baby trees in the backyard. Cole digs a file up in his mind recalling what great fun it was making mommy scream and decides to try it out again.

This time I am smart. He is smiling like a devil and my mommy instincts fill me in on his thought process, and I run away quickly. VICTORY!! Not only that but I run farther down the hose line and crimp him off!

YES! I AM THE SUPERIOR HUMAN in the duo!!

This really aggravates him. He slings the hose down as if he is no longer going to play with me anymore and storms off towards the house.

Fine by me, I can get the watering done quicker if he leaves me alone anyway, dinner still needs to be fixed.

...15 minutes or so later back at the homestead, no lie, 200 feet or more away from me, cause I had some hoses stuck together for distance..........

I suddenly have no water.

I look at the hose following the line towards the house. There standing close to the house is Bucky Beaver(in a diaper and nothing else) with the hose crimped with that same I got ya smile I had given him earlier.

I hollered, "CB! Let Go!!"

He answers in a hilly up and down tone of voice smothered in devilish boyhood, "nnnnnnoooooooo"..........

....not only that, guess what else he can crimp? My central vacuum.

Is he the superior human in this duo?