Don't tell mom okay?......Si Senor....

CB-  Mesa kims......Messa sims.......Meca sins......oh nevermind.....

A-  Well what about it, forget that word...what was your story about? 

CB- (aggravated with his fist balled up)  ABOOOUUUT  TACOS AND CHIM CHANGS..... THAT SKY EATS!!!

A - OOOOH  "MEX I CANS" ?!

CB- YES! (instant relief comes across his face) They have lots of chiwabas(chihuahuas) there, cause on TV they always speak Spanish......(turns and leaves the room)

------------------------------

CB is finally starting to use his phonics a little more in curiosity.  This signals to me his reading skills are about to take flight.  He will tell people he can't read. His siblings tell him he can't read yet....but he can.  CB thinks if he isn't reading from his reading book...then...he can't read.  Right before all of my other children started to read well, they became curious on their own....trying to figure out what things say before asking me.  When I see this I know it's all good.  When Cole learns to read well....it's all cake! 

This brings me to the laundry room where we all have our own hooks to hang our coats, purses, hats, etc...
Each hook has the first initial of the person it belongs too and they are arranged so as to be in the proper "pecking order."

CB on the top rung of a step stool in his underwear at 6 pm on a Saturday  - MOM!  What do these letters spell?

A- Nothing (cause I know kids...and I have had this conversation before with new readers and teens....and it's always the same...)

CB - Then why are they here?

A- So we all know what hook is our own hook and no one fights over whose is whose....

CB - well which one is Liam's? (his neighbor friend)

A - None CB... they are our family's hooks not the dang neighbors coat hooks, why would they have to hang their coats at our house?

....silence for juuuust a bit....

CB-  .............MOM?!(hollering to me in the kitchen)  Are we the DAM family?

M with me in the kitchen and D in the living room start laughing immediately.

A- No Cole bear! we are the "Williams Family," those are our first name initials... D - DDDDerrick, A - AAAAmy, M- MMMMaysie and so on

CB - Well it says DAMZSC

M & D still haven't stopped snickering

A - Cole it sounds like your are saying "damn" and that is a cuss word, we are not the "Damn Family," we are the "Williams Family." Now don't say that... even if that is the way the letters appear to read.

CB - Ok, Mom. Well can I have a cookie?

------------------------------

Cole is at a friends house down the street.  The mother calls and tells D that Cole has pee'd in his pants.  That he is wearing a pair of her sons shorts but has on the same underwear, he doesn't want to go commando (which is odd frankly).  D is all... well send him home, he can't wear wet underwear he'll get a rash. So CB comes home.

D - What happened buddy?

CB - Liam told a funny joke and it was so funny I pee'd in my pants...

D- You must have held it too long, you gotta go to the bathroom son before that happens.

....D is cleaning CB up with a warm rag.....

CB - Daddy....don't tell Mom...ok?

D - Why?

CB - I don't know just don't

D - Well it'll cost ya, how much money do you have?

CB - I don't have any money........

D - Well I guess yer up the creek then....

CB - I have the dollar the tooth fairy gave me

D - Ok... well then I will take that.

CB - GOSH DAD! The whole dollar??  Can't you just take a quarter?

D pretends to think on it as he finishes getting Cole together.....

D - Ok.... I will take the quarter.

CB-  (happy) Ok, now this is just between me and you right?

D - Yep ....me and you....

------------------------------

This blog is dedicated to Amanda Wester 

who constantly "cheered" me on

until life permitted me a single moment  :o)

Well, well, well.........well???........

Yesterday morning I awoke to CB screaming bloody murder at about 6:30 in the morning.  He still gets up at the butt crack of dawn.  He had went poops and over flowed the toilet.  So he was was in sheer panic mode standing in the bathroom naked holding his clothes in his hands.

For some reason, our toilets just don't flush well.  So I only buy the "Charmin Basic" tp.  It's soft enough, but breaks down easily.  Recently in an attempt to save a little cash and see if our toilets would flush better, I bought some seriously CHEAP tp.  Like camping tp in a double roll.  I only bought 6 rolls but the stuff has lasted like 6 months.  My people are completely frustrated with me because they're saying its like the commercial where the woman throws the roll at her husband. As the roll grazes the side of his head it mows his hair off.  They claim its mowing their skin off.  I am finally down to the last roll and it flushes no better than the "Basic" so I'll not be buying that anymore.

So at six something in the morning I am cleaning up overflowed toilet water.  While I am on my hands and knees doing this CB is continually asking for some chocolate milk.

incredulously...A-    !CB!  Give me a stinkin break ok?  I mean good Lord, you have overflowed the toilet here and I am cleaning this up out of  a dead sleep... I don't even have my glasses on and my hips are still in the "I'm getting old, locked up position."  Can you give me a dang break??? You know... one morning....JUST ONE, I would like it if you would sleep late. Would it be too much to ask you to sleep in your bed till the rest of us got up and got our wits about us before you started with your daily 10 commandments as the sun is scaring away the moon???  I mean, for real Dude, I would like, JUST ONE morning to have ONE cup of coffee before I had to start running around fulfilling all of your daily dreams....JEEEEZ!!

CB, still standing there naked holding his clothes, his tanned little body, white little fanny, messy white blond bedtime hair, and reddened face with panic tears.......
 - WELL!  How would like if your little boy was sucked down into the toilet??!!!

I start laughing cause he is serious.  Maysie, who is supposed to be sleeping in her near by bedroom, starts snickering and so does Sky...

CB get ticked cause we are all laughing and starts crying. This makes it a bit more deliriously funny.

All this to say he just woke up and it's 8:00 on the dot.  This was a gift from God to me.

We've had the discussion once at my moms about, "Why is that little boys always have to take ALLLLLL of their clothes off to go poops."  It was a lively discussion that concluded that its just something that little boys do...my brother added that he still does it.  Which led to him revealing that he was just at work the other day with all of his clothes piled in the floor taking a poops break.  He was just kidding of course but the mental images were great.

...............................................

In a nut shell I'm at 180.2 now.  I can be 179.4 on a good day but as soon as I start thinking and filling my mind with thoughts of the day I instantly weigh 180 to 182.  BUT hitting the 170's number has encouraged me to keep going.  30 pounds lost, 30 more to go...

I got a part time job as the church custodian working around 20 hours a week.  Some weeks more, like last week, because of VBS...grass galore and sloshy, spilled drinks in places people shouldn't be drinking in a church. Some weeks less because getting caught up can be awesome maintenance.  It's good pay for something I can be really good at.  Cause what mom can't clean up some crap......literally.  I feel good when the church is clean.  I mean I can stand back and see the fruit of my labor. I feel good to have done something for God's house.  To get paid for doing it is a gift.

D's question now is, "When are you going to clean our house?"  The answer from me is, "When are you gonna pay me?"  ......tis all just joking and what not but seriously, cleaning my house now doesn't seem such an impossible job.

I have the whole summer to figure out my time management.  I thought I would actually have this figured out by now, by alas I have not.  Really, I know if I just get my butt up by 5:00 and put the hours in till about 9 or 10:00 about 3 or 4 days a week & then hit an afternoon before Sunday for a final once over, it's all cake.  But I just want to sleep in....or at least till I have to start filling CB's 10 commandments.

It would be easy to say, well I will just send the kids to school.  Then I could work out and do the church job.  My working out has taken a back seat for sure.  I am still squeezing in at least once a week...I am shooting for two this week.  I count all my vacuuming and cleaning as aerobic, cause no lie some days my dang arms are sore.  I do sweat most days when I clean too.

Sending the kids to school though...would surely not be God's will.  I have not prayed about that at all.  I know God would not want me to sacrifice all we have accomplished for the sake of money and for the sake of my self satisfaction.  The job and the fitness center are surely things that please me.  While I believe God will bless both of those if done in the right spirit, I fully believe He could make those things miserable if done for my self and not to bring him glory. Neglecting the one thing I know He has called me to do would not be a good thing.

I have been out of the will of God before and it's not fun...AT ALL.  So I have to be careful when thinking and tending to my children's education.  The outside chatter filling my ears must be shut down and prayed over, not carelessly tossed about as if it were a coat I put on and take off at will.

Things to cover when CB sleeps late again:

1. How to stop thumb sucking 101...and the hairy thumb doesn't work, and some other stuff that don't work...but we're trying something knew...
2. Church stuff in general
3. Some funny stuff I have written down that hasn't made the blog
4. Maysie's sinus surgery and the book she is writing for school
5. How to make the most of 24 hours in a day effortlessly   :oP
6. Sharpie, Painting, Photography stuff
7. learning to be content 101   :o/
8. girlfriends and such...
9. wasp chasing and bruises....

...and not necessarily in this order.

going all the way around yer elbow........

I am in the bathroom....as usual.

I keep smelling what I think is pee. Because I have had a kid in potty training perpetually for 14 years it seems, I have learned to keep Clorox wipes in the bathroom.

I am ticked a bit and start looking for a shot of pee that was miss aimed at the toilet by a male in my house. I find it behind the toilet. I severely aggravated clean this mess up. I plan to tell them this better not happen again, but forget.

I remember when I smell what smells like pee again a few days later. I am about to grow horns while I am remembering this clean up just a couple days ago as I begin to search again. I find my little piddle present in the same spot. This time I do not forget. I march into the living room where every male in the house is and go on a tanget about...

**I am not the janitor in the house.

**I am not the one who can't hit the toilet.

**I won't clean this up again.

**Whoever does this next time will feel my wrath at full strength....including Cole.

D & Z adamantly blame Cole. Cole looks afraid, for real. I mean for him to be. Because cleaning up someone's pee cause they are too lazy to hit the target is detestable.

I began to go behind each male secretly after they leave the bathroom to catch them. I miss a few chances.
Then one night after Cole has left the bathroom I spy another mess. I go off on Cole like no man's business but I give him one more chance...cause he's 4 and he looks innocent in his eyes. I know in my heart he is Little Larry Lies a Lot, but something in his eyes convinces me chewing him up once side and down the other is good enough. I clean this particular mess up again and make him watch so he can do it himself next time. Cause I will not do this detestable thing ever again.

When I wake up the next morning.....it is there again.

Jenny! She has been sleeping in my closet at night. I know for sure no one was in that bathroom except me and her all night. SHE DID IT! It has been HER the whole time! So I grab Jenny out of my closet, show her this "piddle" behind my toilet, and ask her if she she did this horrible act. She tucks her tail between her legs, like she is guilty. I put her outside and say ugly doggy words to her let her know I mean business.

.....back into the bathroom to clean this up AGAIN!!

So D is getting ready for work now and is taking his morning bath like he does every morning. I am spouting off about Jenny this and Jenny that and Clorox wiping and fussing, washing my hands and huffing and puffing till I blow my own house down.

D relays to me I owe him, Z and CB an apology. Z hollers down from his upstairs bedroom, at 6:30 in the morning to "Amen" this.

I go get Jenny from outdoors. She scurries in with her tail between her legs and hides under my bed.

I go back into the bathroom and what do I see? A really small dribblet of what I would normally call pee behind my just scrubbed up toilet area?

D from the tub- Do you think the toilet is leaking?

I check around and notice some water under the baseboard. CRAP!

A- Yes that's it. Water is coming from somewhere. I see some wetness under the baseboards, let me dry this and see what happens.

Then I see nothing but dryness, it's perplexing. After much debate and checking we determine roughly it is coming from an elbow behind the toilet INSIDE the flippin wall.

Long story growing short quickly.

D and I have discussion throughout the day what needs to happen to repair the leak in the wall that evening when he gets home from work. We make a plan. He comes home and we begin to carry it out.

D is totally the most thorough man I know. He never overreacts and makes rash decisions. He always has his work plan well formulated on big jobs. They usually have very few glitches and he fixes them, then the whole world is furry bunnies and rainbows.

On this plan D left his body and did not come back. He opted to not check the toilet itself well before cutting the wall. I tried to get him back on track, but his mind had been made, he was sure it was in the wall and he cut the wall, despite my urging him in a panic to check the toilet well first.

When he got into the wall, through the insulation, the whole area was perfectly dry. The look on his face read, "Why did I do this? I just screwed up..."

I swear, I can't remember a time when I ever saw that look before.

A- You shoulda just paused a second and checked the toilet.....

D- Oh man, this sucks, I just created a pile of extra work.

We both shuffle into the bathroom and he starts going over the toilet. D quickly finds a little nut under the holding tank that needs to be tightened......and all is furry bunnies and rainbows. The toilet is fixed, just like that.

That is seriously going all the way around yer elbow just to get to yer butt hole.

The wall....just got finished last night.

I guess I can hand off my title as Susie Hardway now.

How about a little T M I...........

OOOOooookay, here's what happened,

Z had a game this past Saturday in Etowah. Since Etowah is located near Athens, where the Mayfield Dairy Corn Maze is located, we made a day of the time away from home.

This is an aerial view of the maze, it's ......awesome. Going to a corn maze in the fall is the epitome of southern fun, I swear.

As soon as we got there and CB saw we were at a farm he was uber excited. I mean it's really an understatement. Sarah and I had sort of already predetermined that CB was going to be a military man when he grew up....but I am not sure now... he may be a farmer.

Made of 1/2 gallon milk jugs...clever I thought.

CB questions everything.

CB- May why does that cow have milk dripping out of his belly?

M- CB, that's the cows boobies.

CB to Skylar telling a secret - Sky, see those white drippy things?...that's cow boobies.....

Sky - Cole.......shut up.

Included in the ticket is a hayride through the farm. Which was awesome, we got to see some guys planting strawberries. It was quite eye opening to see. My photos didn't come out clearly, cause I am an idiot with my camera on the wrong setting. It amounts to a tractor like machine driven by a man with two guys sitting close the ground on both sides of the machine. They are plucking ground with some tool and slamming plants into the holes at a speed that astonished me. I cannot think how many strawberry plants they could plant in a day at that rate. If the hay ride was for only that reason, I felt a little more educated on strawberry farming. I wondered what those guys got paid for such a tedious job. Plus I have had problems with hemorrhoids for about a week and a half now and all that sitting they were doing ....uuuhh I had to shake it off.

T M I fact #1 (too much information)

Also included in admission is:

* Hillbilly Pig Races

This again........southern......kids chasing around pigs with names like "Lee Ann Porkrines" "Squealy Nelson" " Justin Tenderloin" " Pig Diddy" " Clay Bacon"

* Tractor Tire Mountain, Cole loved it!

* Sand Box made with black sunflower birdseed & a separate sand box filled with corn kernels, Cole loved it. He & Sky both left with shoes full of corn and sunflower seeds

* Haybale Mountain, Cole Loved it. Run around on top of the hay bales jump in the hay filled center. Sky jumped in and held her nose.

* "Educational Silos" - cool to look at...I felt no more educated on silos when I left the dairy

Zac in the green, far left...

Sky and Cole bringing up the rear.

D celebrating because he believes himself to be the corn maze master. We got a tad lost and he got us back on track with his mad corn maze skills.

The last check point before heading to the exiting path

...still on the exiting path.....I decided to take a few last photos and lost sight of my people....

....so I started to panic about getting lost here at the last hour and decided to run and catch up.....

Z is hiding around the corner a bit, tucked into the corn where I can't see him..... waiting on me....waiting on me...waiting.....

I am running, round the corner, he jumps out of the corn, scares the crap out of me ....cause the 80's version of the movie Children of the Corn crowds my mind and ...you know....Malachi) I scream in horror.

I pee in my pants.

T M I fact #2

Z is laughing his butt off. I want to laugh but I am having to dig as deep as I can into my hold it, hold it, hold it, cross you legs, files in my mind as I can....

He is still laughing and now realizing I am now going to kill him and running. I get my bladder together and determine to choke him, but as soon as I move my bladder forgets that I have just reprimanded it and I must stop and cross legs again. My mind confirms to me a GYN visit is inevitable.

From far away Z is laughing and saying, "I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry mom, it's just so funny...I didn't mean to make you pee yer pants, it's just so funny though."

My other peeps think this funny too and recreate my screaming horror hold the pee stance.

A- Z! You are yelling that I peed my pants at the corn maze! (...I figured since peeps in Athens knew, I might as well blog about it)

We get out of the maze. I go to the bathroom and try to make "lemonade with my lemons." My people relay they will meet me at the car and are gonna have a snack before hitting the road home.

Cole makes friend with a donkey. He LOVES the donkey and wants to take it home.

D- Here CB, feed the donkey some apple.

He does and then a little more.

CB - eeeww, what's that thing on his belly?
A- CB that's his goober.
CB - eeeww gross

I swear the donkey became overly grateful, if you know what I mean, by the apple feeding.

T M I fact #3

CB- MOM!! The Donkey! LOOK! MOMMA! He has a stick growing out of his belly, I didn't notice donkeys had sticks on their bellies.

A - Ugh, What????
M- Sick!! Disgusting!! Gross!! I am outta here.....
Z- Good Lord! He doesn't even need to hike his leg to pee!
D- I can't eat over here, we have to leave that's just.....disturbing, Good God.....those must have been some good apples.
A- ....no wonder he's "ridin solo."
CB- I don't want to leave the donkey!! He's so cute and soft..... I want to stay, I don't want to leave the farm yet.

We are all just about into the car and exhausted. Cole can still see the donkey while I am buckling him into his car seat.

CB - Momma, where did his stick go?
A- Cole, I don't know, gosh.....

This concludes our "educational" tour of the dairy.

**We did not feed this animal Pringles BTW

you should only shave nose hairs when they are sticking out of your nose.........

I was at a pool party over the weekend and some of us gals were gabbing about random things cause I dyed my hair brown and I had to wear make-up to the party.

The reason I gave for wearing make-up was that because my hair was so drastically different, people would be looking at my face so I had to try and look good. At least till the newness of the color was not new anymore.

I actually did wear make-up to a pool party for middle school aged boys. Who does that?

...people with dark brown dyed hair, who have been blonde their whole lives......

So the husband of the house at which we were swimming ask me why I dyed my hair...he's bald, he didn't get it.....plus, he's a man....

I told him, I guess cause I was going crazy and it was my birthday and I was turning 39.....but when I was thinking about that later, turning 39 really hasn't affected me at all......but I am going crazy, for sure.

I weigh like two or three times a day

I grow my hair out and whack it all off constantly

I constantly pluck hairs off my face, even when there are no hairs to pluck I hunt for a hair somewhere that will give me satisfaction.

I absolutely cannot remember anything. For real, if it is not on my outlook calendar, it WILL NOT happen. God forbid, my computer not boot up one day, we'd have to sit in the house all day and stare at the walls in a zoned out trance.

If it weren't for the fuel ding-er thing in my car I wouldn't remember to put gas in my car, it's pathetic

......so anyway, whatever, ......we were discussing random things like zits up our noses, shaving utensils like the Epilady from the 90's.

Remember that thing would yank yer freakin hair out of yer leg? What a wretched devise that was.

I actually had a friend who could use that horrid hair yanker like a razor and never flinch. I had to bow down and worship that girl.

Then we were discussing shaving off our eyebrows by accident.....I told you....random, all cause I wore make-up cause I dyed my hair.

Anyway it made me remember the "As seen on TV, MicroTouch shaver." Oh Junk, I had to get one of those. I went to the "As seen on Tv" store in Lenoir City and bought me one in pink and D one in black. My pink one went bust and I just took his, cause he thought it was dippy. On TV the people would shave their eyebrows, trim their ears and nose hairs. It seemed like for every kid I had, I got a hair somewhere it should not be. My eyebrows were thick as all get out. So I was gonna trim them up real nice ....like on TV....with the utensil they give you and all.

uuummmm no

Cause see....they don't really tell you how to hold and angle the utensil, so I shaved my right eyebrow off partially. It was idiotic.

So I was just looking at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out how am I gonna fix this.

When this amazing idea came into my head about shaving out my nose hairs. I became distracted by that and forgot about my bisected eyebrow. So I thrust the black stick with a mini shaver into my nostril and went to town. I examined my handy work, all looked well, and super clean, I was feelin pretty good about my mini shaver again till I remember little half pint sittin above my right eye.

The kids thought it was a riot and so did D, in fact..... I think he might have thought I was an idiot too.

But here's the thing, let me tell on somebody......... my girlfriend Christi came to my house one day. She had already observed my mishap and had a good chuckle. My eyebrow had grown back somewhat quickly. But despite the fact I told her not to use the retched utensil, she assured me she would be careful, and she was............at my house.

I had an extra one and she took it home and shaved off her eyebrow in the privacy of her own home. She had to go get hers done by a professional cause she lives in town... where people actually see her everyday.

I hated to laugh, but I was due cause everyone already laughed at me.

Ok, here is another thing, when you shave all yer nose hair out....in TN.....you sneeze yer butt off all day, everyday for like 4 weeks or something...... cause there is nothing there to keep that stuff from going into your airways.

So don't do that, unless you are a man and you can physically see hairs sticking out of your nose.....cause that is really gross, shave that off, just not all that other stuff inside.

So I still have D's little black mini shaver. I use it to shave my uni brow white hairs in between my eyebrows. Sometimes when I feel reckless, I will shave the very edges of my eyebrows that are trying to grow to my ears.

.............................................................................

overheard

Sky fighting with Cole in the backseat and determined to finish the fight with the last words

Sky - "Cole, why don't you go soak your head in a toilet??!!"

Momma, don't kiss daddy, you my girlfriend...........

At 8:00AM Saturday morning this is what I heard while I was standing in the kitchen.
I think the volume was on like........10!

....because D needed to let me know, after all these years he finally knows what "domo arigato" means. It means thank you in Japonics, in case you need to be enlightened also.
.........................................................................


C- I hungry momma

A- What would like for lunch? Peanut butter on cinnamon bread with sprinkles, oatmeal with sprinkles, or how about some mac-n-cheese with green sprinkles....yummy.....

C-No, I want some shapes

A- Shapes?

C- I want some shapes

A- Come show me what you would like, cause I don't know what shapes are

........going into the fridge he pulls out a lunchable with circle crackers, square turkey, and rectangle swiss cheese...........he wants "shapes" for lunch.


........................................................................


S- Mom, can you fix me a gecko sandwich

A- What?

S- a gecko sandwich.....

A- Ew, gross, what goes into a gecko sandwich? When I last checked we didn't have any geckos to put into a sandwich in the house and that I am aware of you cannot buy that at Kroger either....however, we can never really be sure what potted ham is.......

S- noooooo, you know that bread you cut in a circle with a chicken patty in it

A- OH! You want a "ghetto" chicken sandwich?

S- (happy as a lark) Yes!! I want two......



I told you she was ghetto......









.........................................................................

Cole looking in the mirror a couple days after his dentist appt to get his tooth fixed after he nearly knocked it out.........

C- Momma, where is my black tooth?
.............................................................................

.......watching the news with D after dinner. I am sitting close to D on the couch, Cole comes in, crawls in my lap, looking at D irritated.......

C-Momma, you my girlfriend
D-No, she's my girlfriend
C- Nooooo she my girlfriend
D- No she's my girlfriend
C- NO MOMMA, you MY girlfriend (turns my face towards his and kisses me on my lips)
A- aaawwww Cole Bear that's a sweet kiss, I love you Cole Bear (big hugs)
C- (to Derrick) she my girlfriend, hmp.....
D- (turns my face and gives me a kiss) She my girlfriend, hmp
C- noooo, momma don't kiss him, (he wipes my lips off)

...this goes on and on till I get up cause they are driving me crazy. Later when I tuck Cole in the bed......

C- Momma, you my girlfriend, not daddy
A- ....yer my boyfriend Cole Bear.....
C-(big hug and a kiss) Don't kiss daddy okay?
A- okay CB, g'night

..................................................................

......on a whole other note of ghetto, we are sleeping on a flat sheet, being used as a fitted sheet. All our fitted sheets had been washed relentlessly for years with bleach and one by one I was throwing them out not realizing that we had no other fitted when I changed the sheets. I did order two new sets of sheets, but they haven't came in yet. So my bed set up is totally ghetto right now. A flat sheet as a fitted, two completely different pillow cases, and for real a flat sheet to sleep under that has nothing to do with any of the other sheets.

This speaks to me about the things that are important. This would never have happened 10 years ago and now I really don't give a rip that my sheets are 100% mixed matched, it's kind of funny really.

Here's another ghetto thing. Over the summer a friend of our is working at a golf cart place and said since some folks in our neighborhood have golf carts we should get one too. D mentioned it to me and I thought that was a total waste of our money........

....... Especially when I can just put on my orange, Dale, Jr. cap with a camo #8 on it and another 8 drawn beside it in permanent marker to make it "88," tie green gardening wire to our riding lawn mower and Radio Flyer wagon and haul all our stuff including CB, the dog, a cooler and floats to the lake. Why do I need a golf cart?

..................................................................................

Sky & I crammed in the bathroom stall at McDonald's after the Smokies game with other people in the bathroom.....and she talks loud..... constantly

S- I think I have diarrhea
A- Sky, I don't care just go to the bathroom
S- first mom, a big log came out, then it was running really fast out my butt
A- Sky I don't care about all that, quit talking so loud and finish!

lady next to us farts

S- (laughing loudly) Mom? Did you hear her fart?
A- (trying not to laugh cause Sky is laughing and her laugh is funny to me) Sky shut up! Are you done?!
S- (still loud) I know you think it's funny cause I see you trying not to laugh, you heard her fart didn't you mom?
A- SKYLAR!
S- I like it when you laugh
A- why?
S- cause then you aren't screaming....
A- okay, Sky, I'm done with you, I'm outta here....I leave her

When I come out thankfully the bathroom has cleared mostly and I just try to tell myself
I will never see these people again,
I will never see these people again,
I will never see these people again.......

Well, God love him if that's the worst thing he does.......

When I was growing up my mom would always say this about my brother, "Well, God love him if that's the worst thing he does."

**catch a bush on fire, "Well, God love him if that's the worst thing he does."

• **put the car into gear trying to be helpful at age 7 or 8 or something, then get out and get behind the car to try and stop it from moving, "Well, God love him if that's the worst thing he does."


• **throw trash down the ravine instead of walking it to the dumpster like he was supposed to, then having to make him pick it all up, "Well, God love him if that 's the worst thing he does."

You know how crazy boys are......they just do stuff that literally drives one to a state psychotic lunacy.....

.....okay so Sarah comes over to help Maysie make some tags for her gift bags for her birthday party early last week. We do some embossing with pink embossing powder. The tags turn out beautifully. I hadn't fully cleaned off the table, mostly but not fully.

I hadn't wiped up the pink embossing powder. Zac strolls over to the table going on about whatever he is going on about and sees the pink powder on the table......

......since boys eat anything that looks remotely edible at this age he licks his finger sticks it in the embossing powder says, "mmm, who spilled the fun dip?"

I'm like nobody has any Fun Dip what the heck are you talkin about.....When I look at the table I tell him he has eaten embossing powder. He immediately starts to gag and runs to rinse his mouth out.....but I'm like just a second ago you said "mmmm"...now it taste gross?

"Well, God love him if that's the worst thing he does."

...okay so Sunday church is just about over, he is sitting behind me with his buddies and their dad. He goes walking out of the sanctuary at pretty fast pace holding his face. I think he has lost a tooth and its bleeding or something. A friend of his in front of us looks at me, I shrug, cause I don't know what's wrong with him, I just work here. I turn behind me and look at Logan, who relays to me that he thinks Zac has gum stuck on his face.

I say to the dad, who knows my kid pretty well, "Who gets gum stuck on their face?"

"Your kid," and he laughs...we're all leaving to go home and saying our goodbyes and blah, blah, blah, Z pushing through to me holding his face in a panic... telling me how he can't get the gum off.

First, it's not just a little gum on his face......it's a lot-tle gum on his face, it starts at the outside of his left nostril and makes an oval onto his cheek towards his ears down his face onto the bottom side of his chin and back up towards the left corner of his lip. He has apparently been in the bathroom scrubbing it with a piece of paper towel.....I know this cause now paper towel is stuck all over the gum stuck all over his face...... which is red where he has been scrubbing.

He is telling me something but I don't understand him & can't hear him that well cause two other people are talking to me at the same time. I am trying to multi task by listening to all three. I go on out the door heading to my car chatting it up the whole way to this one and that one, Zac is no where in sight.

That is because he is waiting on me in the bathroom to help him clean his face up.

So now we are at the car talking with our youth pastor, Tony, and we are about the only ones left in the parking lot waiting on Z. He comes running down the handicap ramp and jumps into the van trying to hide because he doesn't want Tony to see him although Tony already knows he has gum stuck all over his face. We tease him a bit and Tony pretends to take a cell pic with his phone we all laugh at the fake pic. Zac doesn't know whether to be mad at me or laugh with us. He wants to laugh cause he knows how ridiculous this is but, refuses to get out of the car so I can help him.

Just so you know there was no chance I was going to ever crawl in the very backseat of our van and scrub gum off his face. He could get his gummy butt out of the car. So we all say our goodbyes to Tony and finally Z gets to the front of the car wear I can see his face. He still has paper and gum wads all over his left cheek and chin. His face is totally redden from scrubbing......
I say, "Why didn't you just use some hot water and some soap?"

uuuuuuuhh deer in the headlights look and all the angels from heaven with their trumpets sounding, shined light on my words in his mind.

Z- I don't know, I just didn't think..........

Today is Monday, he has a 2 inch scrubbing scab from his left nostril to his left lip corner, it's insanity.

"Well, God love him if that's the worst thing he does."

it's like wrapping a small rubber band around a watermelon...........

.........as I was in the bathroom after dinner this evening tormenting myself by plucking out my eyebrows...I started to think why do I put myself through this torture?......so that I can do it again in three days, so that I can do it again in three more days.....

Plucking your eyebrows is the worst thing in the world, next to plucking off a big toe hair. Sometimes I tell the kids if they don't quit fighting I get to pluck a toe hair....fighting usually stops pretty dang quick. The funny thing is, if they don't stop then I get to sit on them and pluck it out as they squirm around; it sort of becomes a fun event for us all to see who will win....I always win.

I started thinking of all the ways women torture themselves, like shaving their underarms and legs. Not only is it something stupid to do since we were born with hair for a reason apparently, the reason we do it... is even more stupid. I shave my legs and underarms because my mother shaved hers, and her mother shaved hers, and her mother shaved hers......who started that freaking idiotic tradition?

Once I tried to wax my own legs. The box tells you to grow the hair on your legs to x,y,z, length so as to "get the best results"....that means so you will scream you head off in agony on the very first rip. Which is exactly what happened, I screamed my head off on the very first rip and then the second and third rip too...then I marched my butt right to the tub and shaved my legs with a razor....cause any woman who can do that to both of her legs fully is more of a woman than me every day of the week.

I mean like what maniac women thought, "Hey, you know....I am not uncomfortable enough, I think I will strap a super tight band around my chest to squash my breast....there..... now that looks better, flat boobs and man, these hooks digging into my back are AWESOME!" - better yet let me add some rigid wire to dig into my armpits and rib cage......

....once I was lamenting to Zach, of all people, about not being able to wait to get home and take off my bra it was killing my shoulders...and I said, "I am 100% sure some stupid man made a bra cause a woman would never create such an awful thing to torture".

....to which once he re-lamented back to me, "You have to cut this liner out of this bathing suit it is killing me, I am sure that a woman must have designed the underwear lining in men's bathing suits because a man would never do this to another man".

I told him, "...probably pay back for the whole bra thing".

Do you know I have only shaved my upper thighs like twice in my whole life.
Don't get grossed out, it isn't all that.
The hair on my thighs is so baby fine and blonde as can be, you can not even see it. I have thought to myself, if I never shaved my legs.... would they be the same way?

Once, this gal who is a missionary told me that it can take up to two years for a woman who has been shaving her legs all her life to get a fine baby hair re-growth. She told me this because she was going to be in a place where shaving wasn't part of the culture and she was not going to be able to shave. This for some reason had never occurred to me about being a missionary......hairy armpits and legs........initially I thought uuuuuuuhhh GROSS!! Then in some secret place in my mind somebody screamed You Go Girl! BE FREE!!

I have to say too, freaking, I hate wearing a dang belt. If I can get away without wearing one, which is always, I don't wear no dang belts. My mom always wears a belt......it kills me, but her pants really will fall down if she doesn't wear one, so I don't rag her out about it..... too much.

Oh yeah, and pantie hose......NO DAG GONE WAY, I never wear that idiotic invention anymore. Unless I am going to a wedding or a funeral where I am going to see people I haven't seen in a long time......its like wrapping a small rubber band around a watermelon, forget it, not wearing those.

They have this other idiotic invention now for women called Spanx, I wear those instead. So does Zach, just kidding.....me & May tease him though about his baseball sliding shorts that he wears under his baseball pants (you have to put your cup in them & so forth) cause they look like sports Spanx for boys or Man Spanx ......Heck the way I see it, if I ever mess mine up I will just wear Zachs.....again, just a joke.

sooooooo I guess I will go and finish what I originally started....plucking my eyebrows out. I have had them waxed before...that is a total breeze, quick pain and its over.

....but I can barely carve out time for a hair cut, plus should I really pay someone to inflict pain on me? No, that's idiotic............unless I am going to a wedding or a funeral where there will be people I haven't seen in a long time.