Saturday, February 27, 2010

I am so American in a stereotypical way........

While I was eating lunch the other day and the kids were taking a break somewhere away from me, I watched a Chris Rock comedy special that I had DVR'd about a thousand years ago. I know he has a foul mouth but black humor to me is super funny sometimes. I had already conceded I was going to watch just this one show and then not subject my ears to this contamination again.

It's in these situations you ask yourself what would Jesus do? The whole time He's screaming in your ear DELETE THE FILTH, STUPID!

But as blatantly disobedient as I could be.... I pressed play.

I didn't watch to much of it cause it did contaminate my ears and my mind as expected. So I deleted it before I was 1/3 of the way through it. However I did catch a few jokes that were typical black humor on white people that had me laughing out loud. I like to watch black people imitate white people & I like to watch pastors imitate how Christians act while they are preachin...both usually hit the hammer on the nail.

So Chris was talking about health care & politics, the normal comedian stuff. Then he casually lumped in famous white on black crimes and then spewed out he isn't "scared of Al Queda, he's afraid of Al Cracka." Two completely different subjects weaved together cleverly..... hilarious.

The he went on a rant about food saying, "Americans are the only people that go hunting on a full stomach." It lead to a barrage of funny stuff with Dick Cheney and other hunting scenarios and then I cut it off. I was not wrong, Chris Rock in pretty dang funny. He's got a foul mouth that is too much distraction from the jokes.

Jesus made me mash the delete button........

I was thinking about this cause I had a Pampered Chef party this past Thursday night.

I had a food party. I thought about the Haitians(and other foodless countries)and how their food looks completely different to them than to us. We have a party with it, they seek it out. It troubled me.

As the time got closer for my gals to show up, troubled thoughts turned to excitement yet again. I am so American in a stereotypical way.

I had a great time. We hadn't had that many people in our our house for a fun gathering since we lived out west. Valerie the gal who did my show told me, "Invite 60 people, 30 will accept, but only about 15 will show up."

I am all I don't even know 60 people that well. I'm not sure I know 20 that well. I started going through my email addresses and found I did know more people than I thought. I determined my actions to invite everyone I had not spoken to for more than 5 minutes in 6 months.

I only limited myself to email addresses in invitations. Why?? Cause I did Evites, which by the way, is the bomb!! You know... save a tree and all........."all" being save some money on some stamps. Plus folks can respond, say how many they are bringing, it's awesome.......

Dig on this.......when all was said and done I have 35 people say they were coming and 29 gals showed up!

(...and this ain't all of them, these pics only show about 1/2 of the ladies!)

Excitement was an understatement. There were a few women who said, "...think of all the free stuff you are going to get." Which sure, usually if you do one of these you want to get the free stuff. Who doesn't like free stuff? But I already had tons of Pampered Chef products. In my mind this was a social to see folks that I needed more face time with, the free stuff would just be icing.

At 6:30 the ladies, some with teenagers & children in tow(growing my total to 41 people in my house), showed up like clock work. It was on!

At one point Valerie was still getting some stuff together, D & I were in the was so loud with women enjoying conversation with each other we literally had to speak loudly to each other. D & I listened together quietly for a second, you could not understand a single conversation going on in the living room from the kitchen there was so much girl gabbing going on.

At that moment my heart smiled.

If nothing else happened tonight the girl gab had commenced. Good food was already on the table for the takin and eaten.......

(This doesn't includes the food Valerie prepared)

I had such a good time. I would love to get them all together again but just for food and conversation only.

Here is the thing though. This was an event. People came for a specific purpose, Pampered Chef. I find these days that women are so busy unless it is specific, it is too easy to back out saying I'll catch up with you all next time. I wondered would the turn out have been so good if it was just food and fellowship......

I am thinking about doing a breakfast at church for the ladies only one Saturday. Cause then they'll have the whole day to be with their families afterward. No hymn singing, no game playing, no gift swap......just lots of women, food, gabbing, and a tiny devotional......I wonder how many would commit.....I getting excited thinking on it.......

What about the men.....maybe breakfast for them one Saturday would be awesome......the possibilities excited me........

I think I'll let it marinate for a couple weeks then revisit it........

Getting all those fantastic women who, as it turned out, each has a specific roll in my life right now, was out of control. They were all in my house at once, laughing, making plans to come back and eat another time with us, checking on my mom, fashion, home decor, child rearing, cooking, recipes, checking each other on our weight (by literally licking our plates to signify we are rebelling the diet this evening), sisters some of them are to me for sure...........oh man, I was feeling so good as I laid my head on the pillow exhausted.

I thought, WOW! Who has 29 people show up for a Pampered Chef party?? That was outstanding.

I am so glad I did this party. Even if it made me feel false guilt about the Haitians and other countries. God used this to bless me with friendship and the lightness of life. Life I can take almost too seriously sometimes. I felt a renewed sense of being able to accomplish really big stuff.


Tuesday, February 23, 2010

rage against the Melvinite from rejectapaloosa-ville.......

Um, so I got my third ticket in Oak Ridge. It was the second ticket I had been given by a speed camera.

The day I got this ticket I was trying to obey the law HARD. On the way to the doctors appt. I saw the camera going off crazy...flash, flash.........flash, flash, flash.......flash. I was like what is wrong with that thing, maybe it needs to be calibrated. I checked my speed, my cruise was set on 30, though the speed limit was 35. I knew it wasn't me.

On the way home I could see the camera still going off crazy as I was approaching it. Flashing away in front of me....

I am now up on the camera....flash, flash.....

passing it....flash, flash, flash....

rear view mirror.....flash flash.....check my speed still on 30-ish....oops am I in a school zone?

Look up real quick, oh good, in a school zone but the light isn't flashing....good, so it isn't me then, the camera must be wacked out.

When I get home though, I am calling D to tell him what's up in case they send me a ticket. Cause today I am 100% sure I am obeying the law so if I get a ticket, I am going to be livid.

.....this is my thought process.

Went home, called D gave him the run down on the flikted speed camera situation, and conveyed I was going to court if I got a ticket.

This past Saturday, before I was about to start getting ready to go to a wedding reception at church, I opened the mail. BIG MISTAKE!

As I pulled from the envelope a picture of my car clear as a bell.... with my tag so easily readable I didn't even need my reading glasses to look at blood pressure hit an all time high in the Guinness Book of World Records. It ran so hot I thought I would scratch a hole in the sheet rock in my kitchen with my fingernails.

At that instant I determined I was not going to pay the ticket no matter what. I was prepared to go jail for a speeding ticket for going 31 in a 20 mph zone.

I pictured myself sitting in a jail cell, with crazy, matted up hair, and wild, high on crackalacky eyes......"Don't come any closer! I'm dangerous! I'm unpredictable! I went 31 in a 20 & that was after I ripped the tag off my pillows and mattresses!!!! (insert psycho music)

I hopped on Z's scooter and scooted on over to the porch politics at King David's house where His Highness Ferdinand the First, King David, & D were hashing out whether or not they trust a computer with their lives.....ex. an airplane, driven by computer with an ability to override a human...or some stupid crap that no one cares about but them, it seemed like a total waste of good breathing time.

I interrupted this to pledge my allegiance to the jail cell and swear by my truths. Then we all came up with a plan of action to fight & revolt that was unrealistic, to which His Highness Ferdinand the First quickly pointed out we were wasting breathing time, we were going to lose.

Later it occured to me that there was a web site that we could enter my citation number into and then watch me violating the law supposedly. So we do it.

Clearly on the video the school zone lights are blinking. I must have glanced up at the light when it was off and thought myself innocent. D agrees with the timing of the light and all that this is a possiblity.

D proceeds to take this "snapshot" from the video...... while he is at work......

.......and then email it to the porch politics people, telling them how I was Chicken Little & the sky was falling, the sky was falling......

I initially was so angry that I was so busted when I had thought I was surely innocent. I was willing to go to jail for for petes sake. I wanted to scratch my face off in severe aggravation. My inner turmoil could not be soothed for about a full day. It sucked. My joy was completely stolen and there was no trace of it anywhere.

That is why I am sure I must have been PMS-ing. I am sure that I need some hormone therapy.....or just some plain old therapy. That was crazy.

I don't think I would have been so upset if if I hadn't believed myself to be so freaking innocent
and I hadn't have been trying so hard to obey the speed limit.

Plus, Oak Ridge........that city, really isn't all that. I am so outta there. I am looking for new doctors and dentists, no more of my money will spent on the city of Oak Ridge.

My first ticket there, the freaking cop gave me a ticket about 10 yards away from a 55 mph sign. I was going 55 in a 45.

He pulled me over in front of a 55 mph sign to give me a ticket for going 55 in a 45.

Then before he left me he says this...

"Have a nice day ma'am and drive a little safer with your children in the car."

(in my mind) WHAT???! You fat, simple minded, muffin top, belt to tight, greasy comb over Melvinite, who just came from rejectapaloosa-ville! I can spit on the 55 mph sign, you loser! When I cross the line here, in oh say, 30 seconds!!!...AM I STILL GOING TO BE RECKLESS WEEBLE WOBBLE?! Get yer pants out yer butt crack, and loosen up that belt before yer swelling belly explodes, Ninny!

When he says this and before he has fully walked away and while I am going off in a tirade in my mind.....M & Z start laughing. May relaying to me he has an avocado head.....reminding me to drive a little safer with my children in the car.

The second ticket I was really speeding...45 in a 35....and I knew it....CB had just come from the pediatric dentist cause he had almost knocked his teeth out. I was not paying attention to my speedometer and the speed camera's were new. I paid the ticket with out an anger problem.

I know I am not the best driver. I do. But I have been trying really hard to watch when I back up, to go the speed limit, and to be careful with my kids in the car........trying really, really hard to be a good driver. That ticket is "jackin my style."

Fun facts to know and tell.....I am over myself now.......

.......freaking finally!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

rage against the machine.......

Today I am in a rage that I have only known one other time in my life.

I am so ready to grit my teeth till they break off and spit them in somebody's face.

I must surely be PMS-ing to have it intensified this much...

...will blog about it later...

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

a monster truck stuck in yer hair is wretched.........

We have a stray "weenie dog" that runs our neighborhood. He's pretty friendly & cute. Jenny hates him cause we always pet him.

Although..... they have gotten a little more friendly with the butt sniffin here lately...anyway, that's probably TMI.

So CB sees the "weenie dog" running through the back yard and proceeds to call out to me,

"The goober dog is in our back yard!"


CB was doing this cameo appearance in a commercial for a friend of ours. He owns a carpet cleaning business. They were to do the shoot at 1:00, we were to be there at 1:30 so CB wouldn't have to wait around and so forth.

So I go to take a bath. My head is submerged under the water, with my eyes closed tight, so that I can get my hair wet for washing. When I pull myself out of the water and open my eyes, I see CB standing on the side of the tub, naked as all get out, with clear swimming goggles on his eyes. He has a car in one hand and a monster truck in the other.

CB- (to loudly) MOM! Can I get in the baff wiff you?! (He gets into the tub, so it really wasn't a question.)

The monster truck is one of those that you push to the ground and the wheels roll hot,
push it forward to the ground some more and the wheels want to GO, GO, GO,
push it to the ground and let it go again and HOT DOG!!
The truck is hauling donkey's butt over any and everything in it's path.

He's doing this motion on my legs......and hear this..........out of the blue, he jerks the truck to my back and lets it roll up my back at a high rate of speed and into my hair............

yeah........into my hair..........and the wheels are tangled in the back right side of my Napoleon Dynamite hair.......

My first thought is....... Really God? I'm just trying to take a bath........Couldn't you have distracted the boy for 15 minutes so I could take a bath???

A- COLE! The monster truck is stuck in my dang hair boy! What on Gods green earth would make you think to roll that thing up my back and into my hair dude?!

CB- I don't know Momma, you hair told me to do it, my truck wanted to roll in you hair momma...

A- What??!

To me that is Cole talk for, "I just saw fluffy curling hair and wanted to see what would happen and now I know." Sort of like when he needs a nap he says, "I don't need a nap, my brain just needs to rest a little bit."

I'm working the wheels out of my hair, as I am trying not to get stupid with my language on the child. I am pulling little strands of tangled wet hair out from around the wheels. If I let go of the metallic orange truck it hangs from my hair. I think I should just leave it there and go to the commercial thing with the truck stuck in my hair....cause that's just the kinda girl I am. Who needs impractical earrings when you can wear a monster truck in your hair?

I didn't wear it, cause a metallic orange monster truck stuck in your Napoleon Dynamite hair is wretched.

moving on..............................

So me, D & May are watching the evening news one night. The anchor tells us the Waffle House on x, y, z, road got robbed.

In my mind, I'm like what moron robs the dang Waffle House....that's where they are supposed to go eat after they rob a gas station.

I'm still lost in the that thought when May comes off with this impression......

With one eyebrow cocked up, her shoulders hunched over like the hunch back of Notre Dame, holding out an invisible bag and some crazed out geeks gone wild voice......

"Hi, I'm creepy, I just got out of my straight jacket, now hand over all yer waffles, put'em all in tha bag and leave the ones out that are scattered, smothered, & covered." (and her one raised eyebrow was flinching)

......this was so random, it cracked my butt up. It told me in her mind, she also was thinking that the person who would rob a Waffle House must be a moron.

What is wrong with people these days?

Thursday, February 11, 2010

begging a 13 year old, do I have no dignity left?...........

On the morning of Wednesday, January the 27th, in my mind Twilight psychosis continues..........

......What time is it? 8:00am. I have to leave the house here in 15 minutes at the latest. She still isn't up...

If I am really quiet, I can sneak into her room, she won't even know it (the 3rd Twilight book, Eclipse) is missing, I'll put it back before she realizes the book is gone, since she only reads at night surely I am good to go.....quietly.....need to miss the cracking boards in the movement yet in her room......really quiet and slowly take the book off the bedside table.....easy....easy.........almost.......

YOU GOT IT! now quietly wa........


A- Aaawww May...Really?? I am going to be at the doctors office for 5 HOURS!!! Can't you just let me take it with me for the endless hours I will have to wait?? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
M- NO! You're not taking it! Put it back!

A- May, Pleeeease, don't make me sit there for 5 hours with NOTHING TO DO...I will only read 3 chapters and I will stop, I swear.....

M- No you won't, I know you, you won't stop, get out Mom, I am not going to let you take it, no.....

A- May!... (I am almost ready to stomp my feet in protest for her unreasonable attitude)


A- I am so angry with you, why are you being so crazy like this (when in reality if I had only took a pause, it was me behaving crazy......I mean. I am begging my 13 year old to borrow a dang book, not just begging, but pleading)?

A-FINE, I will just take my butt to the Walmart and buy my own books. I swear I will... since you won't share with me (I threaten, as if she cares).

M- I will share with you when I am done. I will give it to you, not till then, cause you'll read ahead of me and be all in my room reading all day and it's a distraction. If you can just wait, then you can have it. Just be patient.

A- (I assess her book mark and realize I am not going to get the book for at least 3 or 4 more days with her only reading at night and by then I will have had some type of Twilight DT's or something and I felt a smothering sensation, like I might never get the book.) FINE!! May, you are being so mean to me.....

M- (she smiles, with her hair all a morning mess) Get out of my room, you have a Twilight problem that I can't help you with.....

So I stomp out of her room, grab my car keys, kiss the appropriate children goodbye for the morning, eyeing the room for evidence they have eaten their breakfast....and make a plan to drive straight to Walmart with the extra 10 minutes I was going to sit in the waiting room and buy those darn books!! I would never have to ask her for one of hers again. So there, put that in yer pipe and smoke it.

That's what I did.


When I had Eclipse & Breaking Dawn in my hands walking out the Wally World door, Edward, Bella, and I were all furry bunnies & rainbows & floating, glittering pink hearts, I think I heard some harps playing in the background....... it was this for sure......

Music Playlist at

I punched my car door unlocked with with voracity and smirked the full 50 seconds it took me to get to the Doctors office from Walmart.

Eclipse was ON! I swallowed 4 chapters whole in the doctors office that morning.

Within three days May was done with her book and started Breaking Dawn, she passed Eclipse onto Zac with some half cocked effort to appease me. Knowing that I had told her he could read my book when I finished which was not to far after her.

I started Breaking Dawn late last week. Finished it last night.

I do for sure have a Twilight problem. I am 100% sure I need an intervention or a 12 step recovery plan implemented immediately.

We all watched the first movie on the Netflix. We all hated it at first cause it skipped so many details. But for some unknown reason May and I felt compelled to watch the dang thing at least 12 more times before we sent it back.......only then to later buy the soundtrack which M, Z, & I all have slammed onto our MP3's immediately.

Rock and roll with violin & heavy drums is a terrific draw for both Z and I in all things music......we're addicted to the music.

May and I listened to the soundtrack in the car knowing exactly which music went with which scenes. We happily reminisced what about each of those scenes was our favorite and least favorite. This session lasted until we had listened to the whole CD. It's a sickness......

I have no idea what I shall do with my reading time now. I am kinda glad I am done so I can gain some of my parenting self respect back.

Last night, at 2:15 am, as I laid the thick, black matted, hard cover(cause Z & I hate the paper covers, we take them off), 760 page, Breaking Dawn book on Zac's steps as a surprise, cause he has finished Eclipse now & was waiting on me....... barely in control of his own self.......I felt good.....and tired.

We'll see how I last over the next couple of days....maybe if I watch the movie some more, I won't start rereading the first book........just to get a fix....


A- uuummm........Hi,......I'm Amy(insert excited nervous tention)........and I have a Twilight addiction.....

Support Group - HHiiiii Amy........

Monday, February 8, 2010

There's no hair extentions in tha alamo.......

We went to a Super Bowl Party at Caesar & Cornelia's(Caesars wife's name as told by history for real , not just blog stuff.....or at least his first wife anyway).

Cornelia's house was set up perfectly for a Super Bowl Party.....plenty of room for food, flat screens everywhere inside and out, and good company galore.

I don't normally even watch the football game, not even the commercials. It has always seemed like a waste of 4 hours, generally. I usually watch the National Anthem then I am off to do something else. If the person singing the anthem starts going off on their own tangent singing God knows what, I don't even listen to that.

Whitney Houston still ranks number one in my National Anthem book.

see it here

I did like the Doritos commercials. Those were pretty funny. This one is hilarious...

and this one too...

Last night though, I really enjoyed the football game. The game, itself....was exciting to me. I'm not a hoot and holler type girl unless it's one of my kids playing, but hanging out with my neighbors which I hadn't done since before Christmas was AWESOME!

There was this delicious dessert pizza that used sugar cookie dough for the crust. It had this amazing white stuff for the sauce and the toppings were pineapple, strawberries, small oranges, and bananas and something else I'm sure....


I am going to have dreams about it for sure.

Anyhoo, somehow it came up that the guys had long hair...and by the way, were they hair extensions? A bunch of us girls determined they had to be. To which the guys could give us play by play on why they were not, the hair was real.

In my mind I heard the Alamo, Texas, high pitched voice, of the lady from Pee Wee Herman's movie...."There's no hair extentions in tha Aaalamoe."

So I decided to check it out by looking at back photos of long haired NFL players. This is what I think.......

This guys hair is real....

Troy Polamalu

and so is this guys.....

Usama Young...2006


2010.......see a sort of natural progression.....believable

and maybe this guy too.....

Phillip Wheeler....2008


So, for the few I looked up I would say there are surely signs of natural hair growth progression.

However I am 100% sure as fads go, there is some NFL player with hair extentions, trying to "jack" somebody's "style" by "copying their swagger"........

See how I use the hip & cool city lingo with natural ability.


Thursday, February 4, 2010

well, you don't have to get all red in the face about it.......

Today I needed to get rid of some bananas cause they were going bad. I told May and Z we were going to have Home Ec. class today and they were going to bake something with those bananas.

May jumped on it. I didn't see Z till dinner or something.

She decided to make a Hummingbird Cake.

So I was helping her gather all her supplies and measure out this and that so it would all be at her fingertips. I figured once she got it all together it would rock & roll along a bit easier. So I was instructing her a little here and there about things in the recipe that would make her life easier. She wasn't having it.

She fully intended to make the cake HERSELF, without my help at all. I tried to explain to her that even dang Emeril had an instructor once.

I was trying to explain to her about beating the eggs prior to putting them into the mix....she was tuning me out. So I asked her again, "Are you going to beat those eggs first?"

M- I said yes

A- ....with a fork or just let the blender do it once you dump them in?

M- with the BLENDER!

A-'re supposed to do it with a fork and let them rest a bit before you dump them.

M- oh.

So she is him-hawing around playing with eggs likes she might hurt them if she moves the fork around too quickly. It occurred to me she may not fully understand how to beat the eggs, so I nicely walked up beside her and showed her how to tip the bowl diagonally a bit and the with the wrist, move the fork.

M- just do it...

A- No, its your cake you do it, I just wanted to show you how to beat them so you would know in the future...

M- No, do it......

A- No.

I move away from her to get her a stick and a half of butter, cause I am gettin the vibe she wants to rip my hair out or something and I'm kinda scared.

I was going to cut the stick of butter in half with a fairly sharp knife, which she would normally hate to pick up from the dishwasher. May tells me, all red in the face, that she wants to do it, the whole cake, by herself.

A- Fine! I am done then, do it yourself.

I go to take a shower and just forget it. She does know how to read and whatever happens, happens. I am thinking of the pineapples. I know the can is significantly more than she needs, I am hoping she'll not dump the whole big can into the mix. I tell myself to forget it and let her handle it.

The bathroom door opens...

M- Mom, when you get out can you chop the pecans for me?

A- No, May, It's YOUR cake, you do it YOUR self.

M- I can't I'm not strong enough to use the chopper thing

A- Well...figure it out May its YOUR cake

....the door shut......I was so stinkin aggravated with her and myself cause I just wanted to be there to help with clean up and available for quick reference if she needed it....and she totally blew me off.

I knew she couldn't do the chopper cause it does take a lot of effort.....and she's......skinny & tiny boned.....unlike her momma.

I hollered loudly from the shower to get her attention to come back into the bathroom, cause I felt guilty for being snide.

M- What? (one eyebrow up)

A- I will chop the pecans for you when I get out.....

M- Okay.....(brow relaxes)

...then she goes on to ask me about the pineapples while slamming the recipe on the shower door for me to look at, which relieves me.

I did chop the nuts for her when I got out and that was all I did. I tried to stay out of her way as I knew she was in fact a competent cook when she tries.

When she was done and the cake was in the oven....we were finishing the clean up.

M- Mom, thanks for chopping the nuts and helping me.

A- Your welcome.

In that moment I could see the me in her come out. Her actions so mimicked mine, I loved her.

I loved that she wasn't to prideful to say "thank you."

It's cool to see the things that make them who they are, little things in the the way they move, or talk, their actions, and facial expressions....their character....

It's always cool when it spills out of them when I least expect it.

The cake turned out great. She put an excellent cream cheese frosting on the top that had some left over powdered up pecans mixed into it. DELICIOUS!

Monday, February 1, 2010

MOVE, MOVE, MOVE JENNY!!!! MOVE!!.........

For the snow I mowed an area of undeveloped land near us.....and then we waited very patiently.

To me this serves as an unofficial salute to the Olympic Winter Games....

Here's some short clips to soothe the curious minds............

Z gettin a good long run....all the way around our house!!

Z almost hitting our dog going mock 10,
cause she is so diva'd out she won't move...
filmed from the bottom of the hill this time

These next two are of D, the first one he is seriously moving coming down......

This one is CB going solo. This was his 3rd or 4th run. I couldn't believe he wanted to go alone. But he did, and had a ball! On his second run he rode to the front yard, ran into a bush and knocked his boot off and got up saying, "Wicked!"

(This video quality is not that great I had to tweak it a bit cause I screwed up recording it.)

D & S

M & CB

M Solo

Last but not least is Sky going solo....and hitting D's gas grill, she was perfectly fine ;oD

We call this video "TURN!!"

It's your turn. Take a ride with me..... I shot this one while riding down by myself. The first time I totally oversteered(if that's a word) myself into the field, which is why I kept saying, "that was much better"....

"100% chance of smiles" :oD