Tuesday, April 5, 2011
This is an attempt to catch us all up to speed for the past month. It may take a few blogs though.
Amy- I have been doing my thing driving all over Hell and creation in auto-pilot as usual for this time of year. Six or seven days a week we are going somewhere at some point during the day. I just try to breathe my way through each day knowing somehow it all gets done.
I am still exercising my butt off....or should I say my butt on, cause nothing is still happening....on the scale anyway. I have taken about 10 of the 16 Power classes that I need to take at at the gym in order to get the free t-shirt that labels me as a weight lifter...sort of, in my eyes anyway. I am surely getting more muscles. I can see a bulge in my arms where there has never been one before in my life. My butt actually looks round like a butt should look, instead of just fading into my thighs. My stomach is certainly more flat than it was and my pants are fitting much better and some are even a little big or too big.
The problem here is that my scale is sabotaging me. So I had D hide it so that I could only weigh on Sundays. The first Sunday I weighed 189. D was happy for me cause I was finally in the 180's. I wasn't, cause I knew the moment I ate a piece of ice I would gain 3 pounds. He scolded me for not enjoying that small victory. In my mind I have been this place so many times that I truly am not in the 180's till it is a consistent number.
I was not too discouraged however. I gave myself a year to do this right and I have been sticking to it. I rarely cheat and I exercise 5 to 6 days a week 40 minutes or more. So this past Sunday I was excited to weigh because I ate especially well chosen foods that week. I knew I had pushed myself doing the exercise and I was hoping for a 187 minimum.
The scale said 190. I became so angry inside that I thought I might grow some devil horns that would surely expel a blazing fury so hot they'd burn the roof off my house. I controlled it though the best I could. I left the bathroom, went to make coffee and get the kids moving.........and then the evil tidal wave of death and destruction that likes to throw stuff when I am infuriated hit me.
So I marched right back to the bathroom where D was blowing his hair dry, picked up the scale, stomped back to the front door, stepped out onto my front stoop, and I launched that scale as far as I could with my new arm muscles "that weigh more than fat." I meant for it to bounce on the ground and bust every spring and gear inside of it. On the first bounce as it hit the ground I felt a minuscule amount of satisfaction. I wanted to throw it one more time but I refrained cause I knew I was going to church in a couple hours and I needed to get rid of this evil in me before I could praise the Lord properly for the good things in my life.
The kids get up. D comes out of the bathroom to eat breakfast.
D- Where's the scale?
CB & Sky - She threw it in the front yard.
M- You threw the scale in the front yard?
CB- Yeah she did! It went way over there see?!
D- (looking out the breakfast nook window) Nice distance.
A- I threw it into the front yard. Yes I did. If anybody brings that scale back into this house I swear bad things will happen to you. I don't know what they are, but don't test me.
When I left for church the idiot scale was in the front yard. When I came home from church the idiot scale was in the front yard. When I came home from the gym the idiot scale was not in the front yard. I was so mentally exhausted from my emotional torture of weighing that morning, only to find all my good eating and exercise had been in vain....months and months of not eating delicious morsels of goodness, shin splints that wake me up in the middle of the night, sweating, sweating, sweating, pushing, pushing, pushing....only to still weigh 190....I took a bath and went to bed at 6:30pm and didn't get up till 7:00 am the next morning.
BUT, not BUTT, but.....BUT, during the Power class at the gym I had likened myself to this fairly big woman in the class, like we were equals in weight. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at the gym and I noticed that I didn't look her size at all. I mean I was still bigger than I need to be of course, but I wasn't as big as I perceived myself to be by the number on the scale. The scale doesn't change the fact that I can feel and see a muscle in my arm that has never been there before. It doesn't change the fact that some of my pants are too big now, not all of them, but some of them. Those are my small victories, that I should thank God for.
I am going to choose to dwell on those things. So I can be thankful in all things to God for giving me endurance and patience to persevere when my flesh wants to quit, the spirit in me is still willing to keep my temple, in which Jesus resides, clean and healthy.
I am not going to weigh anymore. My sister in Christ, Sarah, told me I should pick out a pair of pants I want to get into and use those as a gage for my success. I think that is the better way to go for me.....for my family too.
I found this note hanging out of my drawer where I keep my exercise wear in my closet the morning after I slept off my evil. ( you can click on this pic to get a better view if need be)
My heart overflowed and spilled all over the place with love for this oldest son of mine.
I CAN DO all things through Christ who strengthens me...... Philippians 4:13