he gave me 3 containers of Floam and then drove away..............

As stated before I try not to play up the Santa Claus thing here at he house, cause it irritates me a little.

But one year on my way home from dropping Maysie off at an Awana Christmas party, I saw my neighbor leaving his house dressed up like Santa Claus. He had been playing Santa at one of his two kids Christmas parties.

It happened like this:

He got dressed as Santa for HIS kids Christmas parties thinking he was going to be a hero, feeling good about himself.

On his way out the door his next door neighbor had her mommy GPS on go. When he set foot out the front door she asked him if he'd stop by their house on the way in from the party later that night. She'd leave gifts on the porch, one for each of her three kids.

He said yes.

He arrived home that evening and was heading toward their house when I spotted him. I was in early stages of labor with Cole, so I am all crazed out in the mind pregnant thinking, "OH wouldn't it be super cool if he could visit Sky?! Let me see if I can make it happen."

I turn my car on two wheels and descend on Santa before he knows what's happening.

A- (hanging across my passenger seat, with my passenger seat window down, trying not to be in labor) Heeeeyy Santa....you wanna go for a ride to my house real quick and see a very bad little 3 year old girl.....please, please, plllleeeeeeeease?

Santa - I told R****** I 'd go see her kids. (He looks exhausted, but I am in labor and I don't care.)

A- (I didn't want to have to do this manipulative thing at Christmas but....I had to pull the trump card. I could tell he was going to totally bail) I'm in labor and I am begging you, feel sorry for me and get in my car. I will drive you home I swear, right after you do the deed. I'll give you cookies and milk.......and some floam to give my bad little girl.......

Santa - (still walking heading up the driveway and not wanting to tell me yes) Amy....I wasn't intending to do all this you know?......

A- I know......but really... right now, I am bigger than you. I could actually just take you down Santa and make you give my girl Floam and not give you any cookies............I will be your best friend......

Santa - (almost to their door now) Go home. Leave the gift on the steps and I will drive down when I am done here...and (he hollers down the porch steps) I don't want anymore cookies!

A- Okay then! (excited, mission accomplished)...I'm outta here, FLOAM wrapped up on the front steps! Her name is Skylar!

Santa waves me off to leave.

I rush home, get my big, fat, pregnant, in early labor butt in the house and hurry to put the gift on the porch before she sees me. D is all, "What is wrong with you? What are you doing?"

A- SH! I got Santa coming over here.....

D- What.....

A-Just be quiet and wait a dang minute.

ding dong

Sky runs out of her room. My dog is barking her head off cause no one rings our bell at night that late.

I open the door and there he is with the gift... "Ho Ho Ho Miss Skylar, how are you this evening pretty girl?"

Sky is seriously looking like, what the heck? Santa is at my door?

She is hanging onto my leg so tightly......D is grinning from ear to ear......

Santa - Skylar I have brought a gift for you this evening to open early....have you been a good little girl?

Sky- (always brutally honest, even at 3) um, no not really.

Santa -(he snickers a little cause he thought I was lying earlier) Well then, I will give you this gift if you will promise to be a good girl till Christmas......at least, right?........Mom?

A- Yes, yes Santa that would be fine. (So dang funny, Santa trying to give a bad girl a gift, with stipulations he knows by her truthful eyes she won't keep.)

A - I know you are surely busy Santa....and tired, you probably need to head off huh and get some rest before the big gift exchange next week.....

Santa - Yes, Yes I do....It was surely good to see you Miss Skylar, I do need to get back, but I will see you again soon....be good now.

I shut the door and Sky is in shock. While she is coming to terms with the fact Santa just came to her house, I sneak out the front door. I make haste out to his car to tell him, thank you, thank you, thank you, and that I owe him a lawn mowing or something in the spring. Which he did not collect on.

Santa getting in his car - "Are you really in labor?"

A- Yes, just early labor, I have a little bit of time before things start to rock and roll....

Santa - for petes sake......

A- Thank you again!

That was actually the night of two Kens......

One who was Santa.

One who would sleep on my couch at some unholy hour, in the middle of the night to stay with my kids while D and I went to the hospital. Well, actually until my mom could get here the next morning.

Anyhoo....all this story to say, Sky still believes in Santa. This little boy at church told her Santa wasn't real. She has never asked me about it so luckily I haven't had to address that.

....in the car on the way home from the mountains the weekend of May's b-day.....

S- Do you know what Z** C***** told me?

A, M, & Z- What?

CB- Who is Z** C*****?

S- He said Santa Claus wasn't real.

Z- Well, what did you say?

CB- Who is Z** C*****?

S- I said, well yes he is. He came to my front door and gave me 3 containers of Floam. Then he drove away in a car.........which was weird.

We all catch each others eyes in the car and smile.

CB- Who is Z** C*****?

All this time I didn't know she saw him pull out of the driveway in a car. :oD

You had a little run in with the car today huh?

CB-(whining)uuuuuuuuuuuuu I am so bored.....

A- Well, don't look at me. I'm not the dog and pony show, go outside.

CB- No it's too hot and you won't take me to Lake Fish Boobies.

A- Lake Fish Boobies? Where is that??

CB- You know where the fish tried to eat my boobies off....

A- CB, where did that happen??

CB- You know where the the big kids left me and went to the ropes and you made me play with the boy in the water fountains and his mom had brown teeth.

A- Oh you mean the county park...with the geese that chased you and when Logan was with us?

CB- Yes, I want to go there and you won't take me.

.........Lake Fish Boobies...

...............................................................................

I stopped at a gas station on the way to the orthodontist some time back. May was the only child with me this particular morning. I got out of the car and stepped toward the passenger door. My drivers door did not shut. It just pulled closer to the vehicle.

• I pulled my purse from the car seat in which CB would normally sit.
• I turned to head inside.
• I crammed my face into the verticalness of the edge of the metal car door, from my forehead to my upper lip.

Hear this. I nearly knocked myself out. I ran into it so hard. My sunglasses flew off and fell to the ground. I was seeing spots and disoriented for about 10 seconds.

May- (in front passenger seat) GOSH! MOM!(snicker) Are you okay???

A-(coming to my senses and realizing how that must have looked and sounded to her) Yes,(snickering a little myself now) oh man, I totally ran into the door.

May - You think? Are you okay? You're gonna have a bruise on your face.

I am rubbing my forehead and trying to figure out how this happened and my head is seriously swelling up vertically, matching up with my car door.

I begin to make light of the situation with Maysie, while she is reliving how it appeared from her perspective. I have to laugh at myself cause the whole situation is retarded.

I shut the car door. I properly make sure I am aligned correctly with the pavement and curb for walking, I head into the gas station store.

This skinny Indian fellow with a lot of puffy black hair.....

I don't mean like a Navajo or Cherokee Indian......like a real Indian fellow, whose wife may have a red dot on her forehead....well, if he had a wife and all....

.....is smiling his straight white teeth at me very big.

Indian fellow - Are you okay Miss? You had a little run in with the car today huh? You did not see the car door, yes Miss?

A-(snickering again, cause I'm an idiot and busted by the gas station dude) Yes, WOW... Dude, I totally almost knocked myself out. I mean fer real. I saw some dots and the whole works...and look at my forehead. I got a vertical bruise showin out already all up on my face.

Indian man - (still showing me his really big smiley teeth) oooohh yes, I do see that. It will be a shiner....... how to explain that one my friend. Yes I saw you stumble around and your glasses were flying off of your face. Yes, it appears a full spilt down the middle Miss. Would you like to buy new sunglasses? (Gesturing toward gas station sunglasses.)

Okay.....it is clear he has enjoyed my folly way too much. I pay for my stuff and turn to head out.

A- Negative. I don't want anymore sunglasses. Apparently I need some prescription glasses do you have any of those?

Indian man - Yes Miss, have a nice day today. Watch that vehicle door today, the driver's side is out to get you for sure....(still smiling showing me all his teeth)

A- Yes, I will.....

....back at the car, where May has been waiting for me.....

M- Yeah... the gas station guy totally saw you bust it. That's hilarious.

A- Shut up May.

This was before it turned blue....and then green & yellow....

.....................................................

While in the mountains CB is laying with me on the couch.......STILL sucking his thumb.

A- You know if you don't quit sucking yer thumb all the green scooters will be gone. You'll have to get another color.

CB- No I won't. What's that fat guys name? The one at Christmas....

A- Santa Claus?

CB- Yeah, him. I'll just ask him to bring it. His people can make it.

I push him off the couch.

CB - What???

Little Larry Lies A Lot............

Cole had his 4th birthday yesterday.

He was really sweet all day and we didn't even do anything out of the ordinary.

He started with his morning snuggle in my bed and drifted off back to sleep a bit, a total gift to me. He got up in a good mood, another gift to me. His siblings were sweet to him most of the day. Despite he hadn't had a nap, he grocery shopped peacefully.

These are the lies "Little Larry Lies A Lot"(name courtesy of Z) told for his birthday......oh I'm sorry, he "must have dreamed them."

In the bathtub - last night when I was in the bathtub, my pillow went down this drain, and it floated down to the lake and a crab ate it.......no it was a shark, he ate my pillow, and now I have a new pillow.

While reading to him before he went to bed a story about Santa riding a whale to deliver presents because all his reindeer had the flu. Who thought that not interesting tale up? I almost had to quit reading the story because it was THAT STUPID.

CB- Last Christmas I had to ride the whale with Santa cause he needed me to hold the presents on the whales back.........remember mom? You ride with me........

A- CB I totally do not remember riding a whale with you and Santa

CB- Yes, you did, you hair was long and it was blowing you shirt off

A- CB if I rode a whale with Santa and my shirt was blowing off I would remember that

CB- yeah, and I almost fall off and I hold onto you shirt and presents fall into the lake, remember?

A- Oh yeah, I remember now!! I kicked Santa right in his butt into the whale's blow hole, then I pushed you off the whale on purpose, and I pushed all the presents off cause I was tired of holding them, cause my arms were hurting, and the crab ate them, the one who ate your pillow....oh wait it was a shark and now you have a new pillow and I have a new shirt, OH YEAH! Now I remember!!

CB- .........No mom, you don't get a new shirt cause you pushed me off the whale, without my fwog(floaty preserver with a frog face on it, he wears it on the boat) and now whale can't breave cause Santa stuck in his hole.

A- .........oh.........

CB- I think I was dreaming that anyway, cause fish stink.......Mom, remember when I was little and I rode one of the fish to school?

A- No, yer done, go to sleep.


I love Cole Bear, he's my last little baby. This will be his last year at what is considered a baby age. I am trying to soak up as much snuggle time and sweet kisses while being "his girlfriend" as I can. For all the wallering around on my lap he does that makes me insane, I know the time is at hand where my lap will long for a waller session and there will be no more.

I hope we'll ride a few more whales together.

I hope I'll not wish a way the next year.

aawww, he'd just had some road rash, it woulda healed, he'd been fine lookin..........

I been so dang busy.

This past Friday I participated in the community "tard sale." Cause "t" & "y" are close to each other on the keyboard, my outlook calendar told me Friday was the day of the "tard sale."

I wondered which of my kids I could sell that day.

anyway.....I made $70 or so, that enabled me to go to Mimi's Cafe today after church with Sarah for an amazing breakfast in the middle of the day. They serve breakfast till 3:00, AWESOME! I had the new thick blueberry french toast with this blueberry cream and fresh blueberries & strawberries on top with two eggs over easy and three piece of bacon, fresh grapefruit juice, and two mocha lattes.........and so much girl chatter that Sarah and I hardly breathed till she dropped me off in my driveway at 4:30. I passed D coming in as he was heading back to church this evening. I love him for letting me go to lunch, breakfast....lunch.....breakfast for lunch, whatever....with Sarah, cause I love Sarah. I don't care how good or bad I am, Sarah loves me. Even when I am bad she may not say it right out, but I know she doesn't agree with me, I can dig it that she doesn't always agree with me.

.....though today she agreed with me on everything and I agreed with her on everything......probably cause we were giddy with delight to eat and gab in peace with no one tugging on us to get a drink, go to the bathroom, or some one hit some one. In fact I am not 100% she nor I knows what the other said as we squeezed so much conversation into a 3 hour time span....I remember this....mmmmmmm, mmmmmmmmm, this is so good, mmmmmmmm, so glad I ordered this, mmmmmmm, mmmmmmmm, another mocha latte? yes please.......mmmmmmm, no I don't want any of yours it will ruin my perfect taste, something about Genera hyper color shirts, elevators stopping on every floor and some angel at Krystal's or something.

OK, back to the "tard sale," so the first shoppers were 2 ladies. I am 100% sure they were baptists by the way they were talking. One lady is young but looks old cause she is dressed way to old for her age, the other lady is old and gossipy about something "that is a shame that she don't git ta see them kids cause they need thar momma." Then she goes on to say her church is having revival and all about the revival. She never once asks me to come to her church revival, not that I would have, but I sort of thought that was the point of havin revival....to revive the community. So I ask her, "Are you all Baptist?"

lady- uh, yeah , Shoog(southern short for sugar), we are, why'd you ask?

A- I just heard you talk about revival and all....(and about other folks and "that's justa shame" and all)

Lady- oh, uh huh.....(goes on gossiping about the girl who don't get to see her kids and heads out)

Later on in the day I meet a total hillbilly with overalls and a torn up white t-shirt, skinny, fellow, with a dirty baseball cap, and some teeth........but a SUPER SWEET guy. He can't believe I am selling children's books for 25 cents and wants to know which ones a 3 year old would like. He looks at the pages, notices the colors and 3 year old friendly things in the books and buys 5 books for his girlfriend's little boy. He also buys him a jacket and I throw in some other things cause he is such cool, mild, loving guy, looking for things that will make the mom and the little boy happy. I hope they liked what he bought.

Then, one of the last guys to come to the "tard sale" is a 55 year old, married 4 times, Santa Claus looking man, who looks 65 or 70 to me and his 21 year old youngest boy of three kids by his last wife of 26 years, who he "reckons he will keep." They are looking for fishing gear, tools, & motorcycle stuff. I inform him my husband has no gear cause he's banned from motorcycles till his kids are grown. I explain to him the wreck and the importance of his life to my family....and how his face woulda been peeled off if he hadn't been wearing a super good helmet.

The man proceeds to school me on how dangerous helmets are, and how there are no good helmets. How they are the most dangerous piece of equipment a rider can wear. To which I tell him D would have a messy face without it...... I am for helmets, to which he informs me .....

Biker Santa-aawww, he'd just had some road rash, it woulda healed, he'd been fine lookin

A- I'm still for helmets I don't care....

Biker Santa- I can't hear that good, what?

A- (talking significantly louder)I'm still for helmets I don't care....

Biker Santa- Them thangs can break yer neck, now....... you put yer fingers on the side of yer face on the eyes you got no peripheral vision....do it, ya see that?

A- (I do it, he is correct)- I' don't care, I am still for helmets.....

Biker Santa- You know when I had my kids my wife quit ridin so ya know, two parents wouldn't be killed ridin, jist one, I had all my kids from tha time theyz one on a motorcycle

A- Good Lord man, did they wear a helmet?

Biker Santa- I can't hear that good, say it again, what?

A- (louder) Did they wear a helmet?!

Biker Santa - They all ride bikes, .....have been their whole lives, I been in 5 wrecks. I dun hit or been hit by 5 cars ridin (starts listing all his broken bones, so many I can't remember them all) and on top of that I been stabbed and shot too.

A- Good Lord man, maybe ridin motorcycles is something you should reconsider, if I wuz yer wife I'd been dun grounded you.

Biker Santa- shooooot, I'm 55 years old Ma'am, I ride a Harley on one wheel with the front wheel in the air with my wife ridin behind me.

A- Good Lord Man! Do you hear yourself talkin?!! That is pure madness, I couldn't be married to you!!

(the son is smiling and headin back to the truck)

Biker Santa- My son right thar, his friends told'em, I like riding in tha truck with yer daddy, he drives crazy.

A- Well, why can't you hear?(cause now I am dang hollerin in my garage and it's stupid)

Biker Santa- cause I was fightin at bar when I was younger, that's when I got shot

A- In yer dang ear?!

Biker Santa- Nope, in my arm and shoulder, but we'z all fightin, I got hit in tha ear,...... I'z in high school then......

A- .....and you got in a bar fight?!! Good Lord man, it's time you settle yer butt down, put that Harley on two wheels. You ain't drinkin no more is ya?

Biker Santa- oh no Ma'am, cause last time I drove 749 miles across some states and 10 miles before I got home I fell asleep ridin and my kids thought I wuz drunk, so I stopped drinkin while I was ridin cause I didn't want them ta worry bout me drinkin and drivin. I like to talk .....(he's smilin at me and he is quite charming, his son's standin by the truck still smilin)

A- (hollerin to the son)- Is yer daddy just jackin around with me tellin me all this stuff?

Son- No Ma'am...he's crazy, but I love him crazy like that. He does like ta talk now......

A- Alright, well all I gots children's stuff and some Christmas decorations, can you pop a wheelie on any of that?

Biker Santa- (smiling showing me perfectly white straight teeth) I can poppa wheelie in this truck Hun if you give a minute....(he's laughin, walking away) You have a good weekend Hun and tell yer husband he needs to get his woman in line and get another bike.......

A- I hear ya, don't run over my plants backin up, Bye!!

They wave me off, still smilin.....I bet them two had a nice weekend.

......."tard sales" are a lot of work, but the people that come by are kinda fun.