Tonight I was in the tub taking a piping hot bath.
So hot, my upper lip and brow had to make for themselves a salty drink in which to quench their own thirst.
I thrust only my feet to the cool olive colored tile that looks as if it has been sponged with the almost blackest of the forest greens.
Z is playing a game on the PC in my bedroom. The games background music is almost classical with a melodramatic piano flowing to the high and low keys so slowly that my mind begins to drift.
In my hand I am holding the dove white, round, plastic cup which is intended for the wetting of my hair, full of water.
The water is glistening off the lights.
The heat and the music have put my mind into a trance of wanderings about the highs and lows, the ebbs and flows of the past couple years.
I notice some of the steaming hot, crystal clear water spilling over the edge of the cup to the rushing of the piano intensity, then slowing to the calmness as if on purpose.
My mind is wandering on the births and deaths, the people I have known near to me now and far away.....I was thinking about how some of us pick up as if never separated and some of us never pick up at all.....life so full but always drawing closer to the time it will cease to exist.......
words spoken and those unspoken.....thoughts now overflowing like the cup of water intentionally being poured to the sound of the piano, with love unspeakable for the gifts God has given me in this little slice of life.....
.....to have loved & to have been shown love......
Then the last drop of water was gone from the cup.
There was not a single drop I could find, and I searched.
I stared at the emptiness in the whiteness with only the shadow of my fingers to break up the void.
I conceded that in my whole and complete love for the Lord and all the things I believe about being with Him after the passing of my earthly body, it might be this way.
I will have enjoyed the flow.
The highs and the lows....
...and when it is done, it is done, the only thing left is a shadow. When I am with Him I will not have even one drop of this life to take with me. I understand this is where I have to rely on knowing He is faithful and that his words are true to me at my very most pinpointed core.
That there are things so great that I cannot think of.
Still staring at the completely empty cup thinking on the things I cannot think of because they are to great for my earthly mind to grasp.....
....I have to smile inside, because God just does that to me. His power and gentleness just makes me crazy strong and full of concentrated, passionate hope.
The piano quits playing. The cup is still empty.
I hear Z rock back in the chair.
I hear faint fireworks, he has conquered the game.
Z, mumbling to himself in a barely hearable whisper, "That's sweet."
......I think to myself in gratitude for His unfailing love for me ....
...Yeah God, that's sweet.
I love Him......