......and because we home school that means I have to teach them these things......
......you know so they can be normal and all.....I wouldn't want folks to say my kids were weird cause they didn't do things that the other kids do. I want them to have a good solid foundation to jump off of when they go into the "real world".......
.....but what would a solid foundation be if they didn't have any good people skills.....you know act like normal kids do and all......
So I have to teach my children these things they don't get to experience because they are not in public school, like.....
**how to make the fart sound by blowing on your arm, armpit farting, & behind the knee farting
**how to make yourself fake burp. Maysie has become quite proficient at this task.
**They needed to learn how to do those fun hand shake games to the tune of:
Big Mac, Fillet-O-Fish,
Quarter Pounder, French Fries,
Icy Coke, Thick Shakes,
Sundaes & Apple Pies
**how to slap each other in the face by holding a persons arm out straight
tapping the hand, say "Sugar"
tapping the crease of the arm, say "Candy"
tapping the shoulder, say "Lolli"
slapping the face lightly, say "Pop"
Sugar, Candy, Lolli - Pop.......see?....now, the key is to show this to the older children first without the baby present.....because he too will want to join in the face slapping fun. He will not understand "Pop" the face lightly and declare a smack down by nearly knocking the older brothers head off his shoulders, causing him to look like he has been in freezing weather to long on one side of his face.
same concept with the hand, arm crease, shoulder scenario....
It's about time,
It's about space,
It's about time,
to slap your face (insert the pop on the face on the last line....lightly, not when the baby is present because......again they do not understand the concept of 1/2 doing anything....it's all or nothing. The baby wants to slap your face off or cry because he cannot slap your face off)
** Another handy thing for home schooled children to know is mean jokes. Because there are mean people in the world and they need to know how to deal with those people.
So I taught the older two children this mean joke, because when I was in public school this helped me to grow and become a more balanced, successful adult......
You take a dandelion from the ground when they are watching you, break off a small piece of the stem where it was connected to the ground and say this,
"I bet if you hide this on your body some where I can find it. Here, you hide this when I turn my back where I cannot see it, somewhere on your body.......when I turn back around I will wave this dandelion around your body and when it gets to the spot where the small piece of stem is hidden all the little fuzzy things will blow off."
.....kids cannot resist this type of request, because it's just so crazy wild to think about, they get excited in disbelief but are willing to see if it will really work......trust me, I know.......
....so they hide it and tell you that they are ready, everyone watches anxiously as you wave the dandelion head around the body, over the legs of the jeans, up and down the shirt arms, over their backs, around their hair and ears, back down their jean legs......they are waiting.......wait for it ........wait for it..........
Say this accusingly, "You didn't hide it on you!"
kids - "yes I did!!"
you wave it around just a slight bit more and then say this, "Open your mouth."...as if you are going to see if they hid it in their mouth.....
and when the mouth opens you shove the dandelion onto their tongue........onto their tongue, NOT DOWN THEIR THROAT........................then you should run .......and if you have had a bunch of kids, you need to be sure you are wearing your Depends that day, or it could be bad for you.
It doesn't matter at this point if you are their mother trying to teach them life lessons to help them be normal people when they grow up.....the children will chase you and when they catch you, and they will catch you, the child will shove lots & lots of grass and sticks down your pants, and the child may even try to lick you to get the dandelion off of his tongue, cause they are really sticky once they get wet.
It is really sort of gross, but it's super funny and it is a lesson they'll not forget soon.
** A helpful skill for getting rid of hiccups is to ask them, "What color is a white horse?" This will only work one time, the first time, after that it will never work again......use that wisely
** because being an adult requires them to manage their time well, one needs to know how to take care of some things in a hurry. Like pouring coke into a glass with ice and waiting for the dumb fizz to go down so you can pour some more coke and wait, pour some more coke and wait and so on.......
.....all this time spent waiting on fizz to go down they could have been eating and then going on about the job at hand......now they are 10 minutes behind schedule all because of the fizz waiting. To rectify time management skills I taught them if they lick their pinky finger and stick it in their ear and then put it on their coke fizz, the fizz will dissipate at a highly rapid speed. Thus putting the eating schedule back on track and the rest of the day also.
It's about time management.
(I have no idea who taught this to me, but it has been an invaluable life skill in times when speed has been mandatory)
All home schooled children must learn these poems to be considered "normal children"....
........you know socialized and all.....
Beans, beans, good for your heart.
the more you eat, the more you fart.
The more you fart, the better you feel...
beans, beans, for every meal!
...if you just can't bring yourself to contaminate your child with the word "fart" there is this version you can use instead....but please know, this is not considered the "normal child" version. Your home schooled child may be slightly off side of normal if you choose this version.
Beans, beans, magical fruit.
The more you eat, the more you toot.
The more you toot, the more you fly.
Like superman, across the sky!
See........now really..............that's just lame. Just let your child say "fart" and try to get over yourself.
early in the morning in the middle of the night
two dead boys got up to fight
back to back they faced each other
drew their swords and shot each other
a deaf policeman heard the noise
and came and killed the two dead boys
if you don't believe this lie is true
ask the blind man he saw it too!
(sing to "Yankee Doodle")
Yank a doodle from your nose
Yank a doodle dandy
Yank a doodle from your nose
and eat it like its candy
(sung to tune of "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean")
My Bonnie has tuberculosis
My Bonnie has only one lung
My Bonnie can spit up some mucus
And roll it around on her tongue
Okay...............That just about wraps up my "How to make your home schooled children normal" lesson for today. If you have any further questions about proper dandelion shoving technique or acceptable face slapping for fun, please direct them to me at a later date, cause I am delirious and going to bed now.
