Well, well, well.........well???........

Yesterday morning I awoke to CB screaming bloody murder at about 6:30 in the morning.  He still gets up at the butt crack of dawn.  He had went poops and over flowed the toilet.  So he was was in sheer panic mode standing in the bathroom naked holding his clothes in his hands.

For some reason, our toilets just don't flush well.  So I only buy the "Charmin Basic" tp.  It's soft enough, but breaks down easily.  Recently in an attempt to save a little cash and see if our toilets would flush better, I bought some seriously CHEAP tp.  Like camping tp in a double roll.  I only bought 6 rolls but the stuff has lasted like 6 months.  My people are completely frustrated with me because they're saying its like the commercial where the woman throws the roll at her husband. As the roll grazes the side of his head it mows his hair off.  They claim its mowing their skin off.  I am finally down to the last roll and it flushes no better than the "Basic" so I'll not be buying that anymore.

So at six something in the morning I am cleaning up overflowed toilet water.  While I am on my hands and knees doing this CB is continually asking for some chocolate milk.

incredulously...A-    !CB!  Give me a stinkin break ok?  I mean good Lord, you have overflowed the toilet here and I am cleaning this up out of  a dead sleep... I don't even have my glasses on and my hips are still in the "I'm getting old, locked up position."  Can you give me a dang break??? You know... one morning....JUST ONE, I would like it if you would sleep late. Would it be too much to ask you to sleep in your bed till the rest of us got up and got our wits about us before you started with your daily 10 commandments as the sun is scaring away the moon???  I mean, for real Dude, I would like, JUST ONE morning to have ONE cup of coffee before I had to start running around fulfilling all of your daily dreams....JEEEEZ!!

CB, still standing there naked holding his clothes, his tanned little body, white little fanny, messy white blond bedtime hair, and reddened face with panic tears.......
 - WELL!  How would like if your little boy was sucked down into the toilet??!!!

I start laughing cause he is serious.  Maysie, who is supposed to be sleeping in her near by bedroom, starts snickering and so does Sky...

CB get ticked cause we are all laughing and starts crying. This makes it a bit more deliriously funny.

All this to say he just woke up and it's 8:00 on the dot.  This was a gift from God to me.

We've had the discussion once at my moms about, "Why is that little boys always have to take ALLLLLL of their clothes off to go poops."  It was a lively discussion that concluded that its just something that little boys do...my brother added that he still does it.  Which led to him revealing that he was just at work the other day with all of his clothes piled in the floor taking a poops break.  He was just kidding of course but the mental images were great.

...............................................

In a nut shell I'm at 180.2 now.  I can be 179.4 on a good day but as soon as I start thinking and filling my mind with thoughts of the day I instantly weigh 180 to 182.  BUT hitting the 170's number has encouraged me to keep going.  30 pounds lost, 30 more to go...

I got a part time job as the church custodian working around 20 hours a week.  Some weeks more, like last week, because of VBS...grass galore and sloshy, spilled drinks in places people shouldn't be drinking in a church. Some weeks less because getting caught up can be awesome maintenance.  It's good pay for something I can be really good at.  Cause what mom can't clean up some crap......literally.  I feel good when the church is clean.  I mean I can stand back and see the fruit of my labor. I feel good to have done something for God's house.  To get paid for doing it is a gift.

D's question now is, "When are you going to clean our house?"  The answer from me is, "When are you gonna pay me?"  ......tis all just joking and what not but seriously, cleaning my house now doesn't seem such an impossible job.

I have the whole summer to figure out my time management.  I thought I would actually have this figured out by now, by alas I have not.  Really, I know if I just get my butt up by 5:00 and put the hours in till about 9 or 10:00 about 3 or 4 days a week & then hit an afternoon before Sunday for a final once over, it's all cake.  But I just want to sleep in....or at least till I have to start filling CB's 10 commandments.

It would be easy to say, well I will just send the kids to school.  Then I could work out and do the church job.  My working out has taken a back seat for sure.  I am still squeezing in at least once a week...I am shooting for two this week.  I count all my vacuuming and cleaning as aerobic, cause no lie some days my dang arms are sore.  I do sweat most days when I clean too.

Sending the kids to school though...would surely not be God's will.  I have not prayed about that at all.  I know God would not want me to sacrifice all we have accomplished for the sake of money and for the sake of my self satisfaction.  The job and the fitness center are surely things that please me.  While I believe God will bless both of those if done in the right spirit, I fully believe He could make those things miserable if done for my self and not to bring him glory. Neglecting the one thing I know He has called me to do would not be a good thing.

I have been out of the will of God before and it's not fun...AT ALL.  So I have to be careful when thinking and tending to my children's education.  The outside chatter filling my ears must be shut down and prayed over, not carelessly tossed about as if it were a coat I put on and take off at will.

Things to cover when CB sleeps late again:

1. How to stop thumb sucking 101...and the hairy thumb doesn't work, and some other stuff that don't work...but we're trying something knew...
2. Church stuff in general
3. Some funny stuff I have written down that hasn't made the blog
4. Maysie's sinus surgery and the book she is writing for school
5. How to make the most of 24 hours in a day effortlessly   :oP
6. Sharpie, Painting, Photography stuff
7. learning to be content 101   :o/
8. girlfriends and such...
9. wasp chasing and bruises....

...and not necessarily in this order.

Gift giving wisdom?..............

Responsive reading -

Me- Hello.

Me- I am Amy.

Me- I am a recovering blog neglecter.

You - HeeeellllllllO AAAAAAAAAmmyyy

......................................................

There are some things I shouldn't talk about. Sometimes though situations end like this "....." instead of like this " . "

It's uncomfortable.

So this is what I shouldn't talk about, but I will so it can have a " . "

D posted this on his FB: "Christmas lesson #1: Never buy your wife something she says she doesn't want. Odds are she will not like it!"

This statement is true. Men should surely heed this Christmas lesson lest they get their feelings hurt a bit... or is it their pride. I guess it depends on the man. You know, whether he is in touch with his feminine side or not.

feelings = in touch

pride = not in touch

At Christmas, when you ask a woman what she wants for Christmas and she tells you point blank. That is the gift she would appreciate or her heart truly wants.

If she hem haws around and doesn't give you a direct answer... then she gets, what she gets. If she doesn't like her gift because she neglected to tell you a certain thing, it's her fault, not the males.

I have learned over the past 5 years particularly, that you must be direct with the male species. One must say exactly what they want or need. No matter how harsh it sounds to the female or other females. It has come to me that males need to have specific directions and spoken out loud. They need the female to say exactly what she wants or needs so they can do it.

I have learned that hoping that the male will understand what I mean without saying it so as not to be harsh or direct...DOES NOT work. This is not just with my husband, but with my son, my brother, salesmen, men on the phone.... all males in general that I deal with.

I have learned that generally they do not perceive this as rude. They see it as helpful (or maybe understandable) even if they are annoyed by the action required.

This Christmas I was asked what I wanted, point blank. I would normally hem haw around and then get whatever. Usually whatever is fine. But since I am being a tad more money conscious these days, I thought better to get something that would truly be used by me or others and would bring everyday pleasure.

Because even when I say, "Don't get me anything." I still get something.

So I stated a bird house or the new pink glitter TOMS. My alpha male, believes these to be not good gift ideas and buys the thing I repeatedly said I did not want.

When I opened the gift that I already knew what it was because he loves this particular gift himself (which is a fine gift for him)...I had an extremely unpleasant battle inside my body to control my emotions and make sure they came out grateful.

I did not do a good job.

I failed.

My face, eyes and lips spoke not gratitude in a very uncomfortable way. I know it was uncomfortable cause my mom chastised me later and D didn't talk to me for almost 2 days even though I apologized several times. I had it coming though so I just gave him some space to work it out. He loves me again now, which is always good.

I would like to blame it on some random hormonal madness, but truly I think it was just me, showing me. I get weary trying hard to be just the right person to all people. I unleashed my emotions on purpose. I didn't hold back the furrowed brow or fake smile or comments that should have been held for a private conversation.

I didn't spew venom or anything or get mad...I just didn't shoot fireworks out my butt on purpose. I didn't pretend to love the item or even like it....cause my insides didn't want this. I would have rather had the nothing than to have had to go through opening the thing I didn't want at all, faking gratitude, and then sending it back, which I have done already.

My mind was chain linking thoughts of, "Why ask if you don't want to know what I really want? Why waste money just to buy something? Why do I have to open it while everyone is looking at me? Don't take my picture."

Please understand I am not being rude or ugly when I write these words. I am just stating....that sometimes giving the gift is more fun to me than receiving one. Not in a cliche way either...I mean for real.

I learned this about myself this Christmas. For real, believe these words....

I don't like to receive gifts. It embarrasses me.

It makes me feel uneasy and anxious. The gift turns into a show of emotions that I may not be capable of living up to in truth.

I honestly feel like the true gifts people give me are shown to me in their actions...wrapped up in the sincerity of their eyes as it is done in love or wanting to please.

These are gifts that I feel the most thankful for and gratitude is freely and truthfully given. My heart has no boundaries for gifts given to me like this.

On my 40th b-day D gave me peace and quiet to read while he earnestly did the thing I didn't want to do...cook and clean up a delicious meal full of things that I adore. The thought he put into my b-day was a true gift. My sister gave me a day at the spa (which I haven't used yet). I loved this gift too, the reason being, she knows I never do things like this for myself. She gave it to me because she loves personal gift giving. She sent it to me in the mail, so I was able to open it in private. No one was staring at me waiting for my gratitude and fireworks. I was able to express my gratitude in words shared between only her and I. Both of those gifts meant a lot to me.

My mom cashed in her credit cards points to this year and got me a $50 Starbucks gift card out of them. I loved that too. After the present swapping was done and everyone was on their on later that morning, she gave it to me in private. I was grateful. When I hugged her it wasn't for show, I loved her and it was a gift she knew I would use.

Receiving gifts is hard for me and I generally do not prefer to receive gifts.

I would much rather pick a personal gift and give it randomly out of gratitude than to buy a gift....just to buy one. I hate that. Pondering what to get someone to the point it becomes a chore, sucks. It's not longer a gift of thought & love, but a thing to fulfill the obligation.

In this instance it is better to receive the nothing and watch the happiness of others......at least, to me anyway.

I ended up buying myself the pink glitter TOMS with Christmas money from my mom. D's mom and dad also gave me money. Later that that afternoon, after receiving the money, my car battery FINALLY put itself (and me) out of its miserable existence by dying permanently. The cost of the new battery was just a little over the amount of Christmas money that D's parents had given to me. I felt I no longer had to worry about spending the money on groceries, sports or extracurricular activities...misusing the money so to speak. I had used it on myself in a really useful way. I felt satisfied.

These words are one of my truths. I don't feel ashamed of them. I hope you will not find fault in me when my face is in your presence.

and Michael Jackson's hair to blow up.........

So I turned 40 this past Sunday on the 12th.

To me this signifies(God willing) the beginning of the next half of my life. I certainly want to do things a little differently now than say I did 5 years ago.

It turns out that D and I were able to go to the Biltmore Estate for a couple days by ourselves. My mom came in town from Atlanta to keep our kids on Friday. Shortly after that, D and I headed toward North Carolina. We were to stay at his parents mountain house in Bryson City then tour the Biltmore on Saturday.

On our way over we stopped for lunch at this place called The Apple...something or other.....it consisted of a few nice log type buildings. One building a cafe, one a super cool general store with old fashioned candies, jams, jellies, banjo bird houses and stuff. The third log building sold quilted goods, candles, and other things women generally go nuts over like cool book marks, nice dishes, and monogrammed stuff.

Lunch was delicious. The stand out items from lunch were the house made potato chips, they were outstanding. I could have eaten way to many of them and in a hurry. I had a peach fritter that wouldn't stand a chance against my Momma-Bet's(grandmother) apple fritter.

Walking into the general store you get slammed in the face with the smell of rock your world flavored coffee beans ready for the scooping. There was this one maple coffee that I was just about to stick my face in and suffocate myself, but I refrained. So this hiker/runner type couple enters the store behind D and I. They are from the north and not very chatty. I know cause they commented on the smell of the coffee and I had just lifted my head from the barrel of maple delicious goodness...

A- You have to smell this one, it's amazing. They all smell great.

Husband (half smiling like he smells dog dooky) - yeah

Wife - Well we bought coffee last night. (she moves on past me without ever looking at me)

A- OOookay then.....

I move onto the old fashioned candy and what do my wondering eyes spy but CANDY CIGARETTES and bubble gum cigars. Remember the kind that you would puff and powdered sugar came out like smoke? I hadn't seen those in like forever. Because who buys candy cigarettes for their kids to pretend to be smoking for petes sake.

uumm ....me.

I bought a pack of the bubble gum, powdered sugar smoke ones, a pack of the candy stick ones that taste like stamps with the red tip insinuating fire, and 4 bubble gum cigars......cause that's the kind of parent I am.

The kids and I had just been discussing how when I was a kid, we walked to the Tenneco gas station up the street. we'd buy 3 cent a piece gum or if we were lucky enough to have a full .35 we'd get a candy bar.....an by the way while you are there get your mom some Benson & Hedges Lights. I'd buy my mom's cigarettes and buy myself candy ones and pretend to be smoking. All the kids I knew bought their parents cigarettes. We'd pull in the gas station and our parents would send us in to buy the cigarettes so they didn't have to get out of the car.

For real, I mean we didn't think anything about it. Today if you sent your kid into a gas station to buy cigarettes somebody would probably report you for abuse.

Nonetheless, the kids were intrigued by the thought of bubble gum cigarettes that blew out powdered sugar like smoke. When I saw them I knew I had to get them. I also found honey sticks in all flavors. They wouldn't touch the ones we bought fresh in Santa Fe though.

When I got the stuff home Cole wouldn't touch the bubble gum cigs. The powdered sugar looked like smoke to him and he wasn't having any part of that....even when I showed him the cigarette was purple and you could eat it. It was funny and it made me feel good about his decision making too. The other 3 were basically just trying to puff the sugar out and thought the gum was horrible. It was back then, and it still is now... horrible tasting gum.

The stamp tasting candy stick ones...Z ate like they were steaks. Of course he is at the stage where he might eat a stick of butter if there is nothing else within his immediate grasp.

I am glad they got to see them. It showed me that my kids even the young ones are quite able to distinguish between things that are good for them and things that are not. They understood these were for fun and it was fun to puff the sugar and turn red in the face trying to get it all out, but that was all it was.

I love that my kids are cool that way. They react accordingly cause they aren't expected to overreact. They don't have to be explained all this philosophical hullabaloo about ......Now children these aren't REAL cigarettes and they are just for play...we all know cigarettes aren't good for your body....isn't that right children? Now we all know matches start fire and fire, young people without the brains to think, causes cancer and Michael Jackson's hair to blow up...blah, blah...blah...blah...blah, blah....

Okay where was I?

In the store. I bought some awesome Minnetonka Moccasins also.

While I was paying for my bad parenting products and my shoes, I totally saw the hiker wife going beserk in the scoop your own coffee beans section. No lie she was scooping hard and so fast filling her clear bag to capacity. D said he saw her spilling beans all over the floor. In my heart I felt like hiker wife was an idiot. She talked to her husband like he was her pet, I didn't like it. The hiker husband was kinda sniffy too. I didn't respect him too much for letting his wife talk to him like that....but he was wearing the coolest Keen shoes and I did respect that he treated his feet well.

Gotta a lot of stuff to get out...it may take a few blogs but it'll all get here eventually.......

A little Nook..... or two, part 2........

Saturday morning D and I got up and had coffee on the back deck with each other in peace. He read his phone and I read about my new Nook through the manual loaded on it. It was awesome to hold and I felt cool.

I sort of felt really white. Here we are way up on a mountain with all this great scenery and animal sounds....and both my husband and I are stuck face down in our electronics with our perfect little children snuggled in their beds while we sit together in "peace" on the back deck of a vacation home......with our minivan in full side view.

Once the kids got up, ate, and we packed our cooler for the day, we took off for Deep Creek park.

We grabbed a picnic table, plopped all our earthly belongings on top of it and around it to be sure everyone knew this table was well taken.



I walked up the path a mile or so with them the first time, so I could take pictures of them on the way down. I knew once we got going I'd be leaving my camera behind. OOOOOO h yeah, everyone was gung hoe that first walk up, toting their own tubes & couldn't walk fast enough.

Once they put in I took off down way to catch a few shots.

This was around 10:30 am or so and no one was at the park yet. We had the run of the creek to ourselves and few other folks.

By the time we left around 4:30 pm that afternoon the park was packed. There wasn't a single parking place anywhere, trying to find a picnic table would have been a serious joke. The creek was so full of tubers that as far down as I could see, was nothing but a sea of neon orange, Santa Fe sky blue, and lime green tubes. It was the complete opposite of our first run of the day.

The water was super cold all day. This was a great help to those of us who fell off of our tubes every 10 minutes or so. D set CB up so that we could be attached to him by way of a rope which was brilliant. This way if he flipped or got to far ahead we were on him quick.

Well of course D brought him down with flying colors the first run. CB had a ball, couldn't wait to go again. It takes a little while to get back down once you put in. D announced he was going to sit the next run out and let me take CB. He would start the grill for lunch. D explained to me CB roping technique. I listened and we took off.

We are 1/4 to 1/2 of the way up. CB doesn't want to walk anymore. I am toting his tube and a heavy black tire tube (cause D and Z claimed those were the better tubes vs. the brightly colored lighter tunes. More durable = MORE HEAVY, with no handles) I am toting 2 tubes. Sky is not wanting to carry her lighter tube. Now Z is toting her tube. CB is starting to whine about he's hungry and he doesn't want to walk. It's a long walk for small stride legs.

In my show no mercy mind I'm all, Oh no dude, yer butt is going up and walkin too, yer the one who wanted to go a second run immediately and didn't want to take a break, get to steppin Larry.

Z ends up putting CB on his back and telling Sky to tote her own tube. Z hauls CB a good ways up while carrying his own tube. It takes us forever to get up cause Z and I have to keep switching off with our heavy tubes and CB and Sky and their tubes. I proclaim a minimum of 50 times that I am never getting a heavy black tire tube again...... I don't care what they say, I want a dinky neon tube with handles. I notice at the end of the day we are the only fools who even got the heavy tire tubes......not gonna do those again.

At the top we put in. I work the rope and fall off my tube at least three times cause I am just not that well balanced and coordinated enough to lay back and just work it. So I am sitting upright. This causes me to get hung up on the rocks....um...........all the way down. It makes CB worried cause it is taking so long to get down and he is cold, tired, and hungry. This young, hip, fit, hiker type couple on the side sees me working the rope. They stand up and cheer me on.....for real.

"Way to work it Momma! wooooooooooooo!!! You look like a pro! You own the creek Momma!!!!! Aren't you supposed to be sitting on the bank chillin out? "

A- YES! What happened to that?! Go get my husband and tell him I need to chill out on the bank with my Nook & a soda!

Couple - Yer almost to the bottom Mom feel the rope, be the rope!! (they LOL) You're a PRO MOM!!!

A- YES!!! (swooshing on by) I am the creek master! Go and tell the world you have seen me!!!

Couple - (laughing, hooting & cheering)

I loved them cause they must have seen me trying to be a good mom and ready to get off that tube.

So we finally get to our picnic table pull out spot and it has been over an hour since we left. My arms are killing me and CB is super cold and hungry. He immediately starts crying and telling dad I fell off the tube and got hung up on every rock. D thinks I am a tubing moron, I think cause I can't lay back and do the rope. I feel the need to sit up on the tube to be alert. Which obviously worked against me at full strength.

D has made the most delicious hot dogs and hamburgers for us. I am bow down and worship grateful. After lunch D is ready to go again. D, M, and Z sneak off without CB & Sky while they are playing around in some pools beside our table.

I am thinking I am so done today. My arms are killing me to the point that putting a pickle in my mouth seems like an Olympic event that someone should give me a medal for. I need that couple to cheer me on to raise my arms to drink my soda.

"you're a pro MOM!!! You own the caffeine free diet soda, work it, feel the soda, be the soda!!!"

We have partnered up with these older than us couples(in their late 50's and 60's). We watch their tubes and they watch ours for picture taking and bathroom breaks and general cutting up.

D has had a jolly good time at my expense agging CB on about what a terrible tuber I am and how Dad is really the king of the creek. The more CB tells of our experience down the creek, the more D aggs him on, the more the old folks laugh. Finally D takes him down one more time and then claims he is done tubing for the day. He is getting sore and scratched up also, even though he has not fallen out.

Alas the 3 oldest kids want me to go with them one more time. I don't have to take CB which is cool, so I hop up ready for some action.

I fall off and get stuck on the rocks cause I am an awful tuber all the way down. This bald man with straight white teeth is behind me steady laughing and having a barn hootin laugh out when I get hung up and flipped in this one rapid.

He hollers out, "Don't worry about it! It looked pretty Momma! (insert hillbilly laugh out)"

He hits the same rapid and flips. I hop on my tube. I am on the tube but not floating frontward the way I should be. I hollered back cause I can see his head pop up out of the water and he's pulling his pants up, "Don't worry about it Poppa, It looked pretty!" I see his smiling white teeth and bald head......his face reads that he is so busted, but a super good sport.

Z has been the gentleman on this ride down. He waited for me all the way so he could get me unstuck and help me when I fell off. When we pull out D is packing up and I am thankful. All of us are scratched up, exhausted, and sore....not just me. On the way home despite being scratched up & exhausted we are relaying constantly how fun the day was. We all thanked Maysie relentlessly for suggesting we come to the mountain house for her birthday.

It was a super good time. The whole weekend was awesome.

I have no idea why everyone called me "Momma" this weekend.

I may need to make some adjustments to my outer shell.

I just tooted my horn till Z signaled that was enough...........

On Monday Z had a soccer game in Maryville, which is about a hour from our house. The weather was not good. It was colder and rainy. I asked May to stay home with Frick and Frack till D got home cause I did not want to have to sit in the car with those people for an hour and a half while Z played soccer in the rain.....not feelin that at all.

They lost to a team with 4 big girls on it. I swear they looked like high school girls. They were as tall as me and not fat but definitely not skinny.....healthy we'll say. One of the girls ran into Z so hard that he literally went flying into the air and slammed on the ground.

I was in the parking lot above the field.....in the car....cause it was raining and cold....plus it was a great spot to view the whole game.

So when he hit the ground I was thinking, "....that had to hurt."...but he did get up. He almost HAD to get up cause she was a girl and all, the guys would have made fun of him.

Cause I am such a lame parent and didn't sit in the 53 degree, rainy weather, with an umbrella on wet bleachers with the rest of them.....when the team scored, I just tooted my horn.......till Z signaled that was enough he got the message.

Anyhoo, after the game I was cold and he was hungry. I had seen a Starbucks on the way in.

First I needed to get a gallon of milk from Kroger then we could head over for a warm drink.

Our Kroger cashier, totally had a beard......and she was a woman. I know when she looks in the mirror she sees facial hair. Why doesn't she bleach it or pluck it out or something? I just tried to shake it off and forget it......except there was this.....

Z on the way out the Kroger door - Mom, did you notice that lady was totally sporting a beard? Gross.

A - Yes.

....and then this....when we get to Starbucks, the Kroger cashier's sister or something works there.....the Starbucks gal has a beard too.

Z looks at me rubbing his chin & smiling and I tell him to, "shut it." I am like....ew, but whatever....white chocolate mocha latte with caramel drizzle within my grasp.

When I pay the bearded Starbucks lady I say under my breath, "Thank you Momma-Bet." cause my grand mother had given my children each a $5 bill while we were in Atlanta. I actually had some cash on me. Z thinks I have called the bearded girl "Momma-Bet."

Z- Mom, that was loud, she can hear you.

A- So.

Z- So. Rude. (quietly) and Momma-Bet doesn't have a beard....

I snicker and explain to him what I meant when I said, Thank you Momma-Bet, then I call him a dumb blonde, cause I swear the longer his hair gets the more thought process he loses.

I get my coffee first. I am waiting patiently to do our take the lid off, and scoop out the whip cream with caramel drizzle on it routine ....

Z gets his and instructs me to move to a table to begin the rituals.....lids off, fingers in scoop, scoop, scoop....heaven, heaven...delicious goodness.....

Under her breath, northern accent lady behind us on the phone - "eeww."

Z and I are somewhat embarrassed that our routine is disgusting to her, so we lid up and leave. We would normally do this anyway, but today we purposefully leave. On the way out Z says,

"It's okay Mom, she just doesn't know what the goodness tastes like."

Then he repeats her "eeww" a few times and its funny to me, that we grossed her out...in a Starbucks no less.

It strikes me that the bearded ladies were "ew" to me......and that me and Z were "ew' to that lady. It's somewhat ironic.

You can't take yer pants off right out here in the open.........

Saturday @ 7:15 I got up and started getting breakfast ready for the American crappy food eaters in my house. This consisted of reheated french toast from the day before, 1% milk and cereal with unnatural dyes in it, juice and Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla coffee.

D got up and fixed food for the Jamie Oliver Food disability people in my family which consisted of egg whites , 1 biscuit, 1 piece of toast with Smart Balance non dairy butter like substance that we pretend to think is delicious for Sky & some summer sausage.

By 7:50am I am off to get Z from a boys Awana TNT camp out. D is heading to King Davids with Caesar & Cornelia beginning Saturday morning rituals.

Once home I work in the yard rearranging my plants like I do every year. This year I moved a miniature rose bush that tries to thorn me to death every time I trim the thing. I could not bring myself to full out kill it cause I wanted the bush so badly long ago. I moved it to a spot where it could go wild far away from the kids and me. I mean the thing has thorns on it that could have been put on Jesus' crown. It's a hateful plant.

After that I gab with Cornelia a bit, then gab with our step-dog's mom a bit, finish weeding, and then head in the house to watch Justin Bieber on SNL with May, Sky, and Z that I had DVR'd for them so they could see what JB looks like.....cause at first we all thought it was a girl who sang this song.......

...the boy is only 16 but the tune is so catchy & fun...and he favors Z...well to me anyway. Except I think Z is better looking, I swear I do....but Z....he can't sing, he just can't, but he's cute to look at and that makes up for it.

next..........

So D decides he is going to spray our house for bugs instead of pay for a contract with an exterminator. Which I am down with, cause I guess the exterminators think fireworks shoot out of their bug killing dispensers. I don't think they are aware the economy sucks right now.

Though he has been telling me all day he is going to spray that evening and we'll need to be out of the house for several hours, I neglect to be proactive and make sure everyone gets a shower before we have to leave. D is NOW in full combat gear for spraying and we all basically look like white trash and need to leave the premises.

It's bad....I mean I am wearing a "Roswell" alien fishing hat to keep my afro down, I have dirt from weeding all over my clothes, and a uni-boob sports bra on. I mean it's bad. All the kids are filthy.

Z has been running the weed eater, he's grassy. He is completely freaking out because his hair is messy and his red shirt does not match his red shorts.

Cole has on two different Crocs, a bright neon green one and a Bat Man one. Sky's red teeth aren't brushed from a red drink she had been drinking, she is missing a tooth in the front, which makes her look like a red toothed hill billy, with ratty hair and a dirty face.

May looks decent...somewhat. She gets out of the car at Walmart, where we went to waste time and locate her some play shorts, underwear, and possibly a bathing suit, May says, "We are going to end up on one of those emails that people send out with awful looking folks who shop at Walmart." This makes me snicker.

As I look her over walking in the parking lot, thinking she looks the most decent...I notice she has a conglomerate of at least 15 stickers stuck to the bottom of her shoe, in the stickers is stuck a long piece of flowing white paper......tissue paper.....it's hilarious. I am just laughin away cause I suddenly realize she might be right.

May is delirious laughing with me cause she thinks I am laughing at he Walmart comment and that I think she is funny. I am just about to pee in my pants and she looks down and realizes she has all this crap stuck to her shoe and understands my delirium. She yanks it off and liters the parking lot by throwing it into the wind, keeps walking, ignoring me laughing now. I don't scold her, cause I am so done with the month of April.

Inside Wally World we locate bathing suits for Sky and May. Sky wants her own dressing room.

S- please, please, please mom, I can do it.

A- No go with May so she can help you.

Lucy McLame- a-vich form Losertown, USA, Wally World employee- Umn She can't go in with her cause all people are supposed to have their own dressing rooms.

A- Do you have children?

Lucy from Loserville - No.

A- So you don't get my need to have a helper with this one. She is going to need help getting this on. This 4 yr old is in need of a nap and closing him in that tight dressing room with me is just not optimal for privacy, cause that door won't be staying shut. (I try not to take Cole shopping.....anywhere....for anything. His has the attention span of a gnat. It was already 8:30pm..... past his bed time by the time we got to this point.)

Lucy from Loserville - Well, that is just our policy, one per room, really.... you can't go with her either, one person per room.

A- (I am thinking.... she is a child, LOSER, can I just slap you for being stupid NOW. We are the only people in the fitting area, count the dumb clothing hangers and see we have 3 suits a piece and try not to get power crazy with your dressing room authority)

A- One day you are going to have children and you will remember my face when you are struggling in a dressing room and need a little help.

Lucy from Loserville - (smiles) Yes....

Sky manages to get her suit on with out my help, and comes out to show me. She has taken off her underwear.

A-(whispering in her ear) Sky, you have to leave your panties on, Babe. Suppose some dirty girl....... like your self...........hasn't had a bath and tries those on with no underwear....

Sky's light bulb moment happens. Her eyes get as big as half dollars and and she starts taking off her pants right there on the spot.

A- Wait, wait, wait, Sky! You can't take yer pants off right out here in the open go back in and try another bathing suit on WITH yer underwear on.

She runs back into her dressing room as if she her butt is on fire. When she reemerges with a new suit on..... her neck is in the arm hole and like six straps are across one shoulder like Tarzan....she is smiling, a red one toothed smile, making sure to show me her underwear hanging out the bottom, by having pulled them out the bottom herself to show.

S- I like this one!

I shoot Lucy from Losertown a yer an idiot look and fix the bathing suit.......

Gotta go and start school will finish this later today hopefully, cause this day....it was long.

write it on the shower door fog..........

Here are some imbecilic gifts to get the imbeciles in your life.

Choice #1




"Do you have a hard time finding eco-friendly presents for loved ones? Well there is no need to get down in the dumps! Panda Poo Paper accessories are made from real droppings, gathered from Giant Pandas in China. They are 100% recyclable and don’t raise a stink… they are completely odorless!
Panda Poo Paper accessories include items such as greeting cards, scratch pads, and journals. Check it out and get your mind out of the toilet! A little potty humor never hurt a panda!"..............pure idiocy

So they are shipping this from from China. How “Eco Friendly” are products shipped from half way around the world? Wouldn't they be just as bad if not worse than say...... something made locally??

Choice #2 (no pun intended)


"Its eco-friendly paper made from recycled elephant waste fibers, includes an informational pamphlet on elephants and the making of this product".....in case you are to small brained to understand how elephants make poops.......

"Features "The Great Elephant Poo Poo Paper Company Design," its Acid-Free, Lignin-Free; Plain, Recycled Paper Paper" ......it has no bearing on whether it came from poops originally......the important thing here to understand is,

that they are "acid-free."

PLUS they come in pink and blue poops colors too!!

They must feed the elephants Lucky Charms and Trix.....cause you know your body doesn't process all that dye and those cereals will turn your poops bright green or some wicked unnatural color. It's true. Once my mother-in-law called me to the room to see Sky's poops in the toilet because she had eaten Lucky charms at her house, cause I don't by that crap at my house, cause my people only eat the charms........anyway the poops was neon green, I swear. I shoulda scraped it out and made some cards with it.....who freakin knew it would be so earth friendly to do that........

I am crazy about elephants, penguins & turtles right now....but come on.

If you just can't get enough poops
here's the web link
to get the real scoops

cheesy pun intended......

http://www.poopoopaper.com/

choice #3

The Droodle Waterproof Notepad.....

"It works great! It's a great way to leave love notes to your spouse if you share bathrooms as we do. Also great way to memorize scripture verses. Thank you." - Guy Cangelosi (tape the scripture on yer mirror dude, read it when you dry yer dumb hair)

....says the testimony on the site for this must have total waste of cash.

Who freaking just cannot wait till they get out of the dumb shower to write a note. I know we all get thoughts in the shower. But really...... isn't life busy enough without multitasking in the shower.

I mean, women already have to condition our hair while we shave. We have to scrub & exfoliate our faces while we rinse out the conditioner, while trying not to step on Hot Wheels. Now we are supposed to read a love note from our spouse too......eeesh, it's too much.

If D needs to leave me a note, let him write it on the shower door fog and when it re-fogs up when I take a shower I will read then.....its free.

They also suggest you can use it at the pool..........whatever.

Cause when have you ever been swimming, having a great time, and whipped your notepad out of your sewn in underwear in your bathing suit....only to find it was wet. DANG!! If you'd only had The Droodle.

http://www.thedroodle.com/

..................................................................................

Went to see Handel's Messiah with Sarah at Farragut Presbyterian Church. It was beautiful. The UT Chamber Singers & UT Chorale mixed with Presb. church choir and the UT Orchestra, simply fab!!!! Then we went for some Starbucks. It was a super way to kick off the holiday season.

We had to sing La Bamba for random effect........

Where to begin......

hhhmmm........

So Caesar sees me one night after work and says to me something along the lines of since I'm a liar, had a told a lie that day?.....

It just so happened I had. That particular morning Cole wanted ice cream for breakfast and I told him he could have it, except that the ice cream was really yogurt with sprinkles.

I don't care what I feed the kid as long as I put sprinkles on it he'll eat it, oh yeah, or ketchup. Cole eats everything with ketchup, you name it, if I put ketchup or sprinkles on it he'll eat it.

I put sprinkles on green beans, oatmeal, pizza, macaroni, cheese toast, waffles, hamburger without the bun, I once even put sprinkles on a chicken leg to get him to try it....now he loves chicken legs.

I put them on top of and inside of quesodillas.

It's Cinco de Mayo party chicken & quesodillas! ARRRRRRIBA!

We had to sing La Bamba for random effect but by golly Cole bear ate the quesodillas. I'm here to tell you if it weren't for quesodillas, oatmeal, chips, and choclate milk.....Cole would die of starvation.

Here's another lie I told repeatedly Saturday or something.....

All day long when CB asked me if he could have anything and everything that was commercialized on TV, I said "yes." So he would be quiet. All the time people are saying you should say "yes" to your child more than you say "no."


I'm just going along with the "in parenting" crowd.....the "just say yes" crowd instead of the "just say no." As long as I tell him he can have it, he moves along to the next thing on his little brains agenda and forgets all about it.

To be perfectly honest the kid could care less about toys at Walmart or where ever as long as he gets a .25 toy from the gumball machine on the way out of Kroger. If he is good and doesn't act like a moron while I am shopping, I am happy to obliged the little fella with a .25 ball that will bounce all over my house and get lost promptly. It's all good.

I told a lie this morning to D......

Repeatedly I told him CB had a dental appointment at 9:30 this morning. I told him all weekend cause I was dreading it. I told him last night in late night bed talk before he laid still for 2 seconds flat and drifted off effortlessly. I swear if I shut up for 5 seconds, just 5, he's gone......I'm so jealous that he can do that.

So this morning he wanted me to get up, so he could talk, and I would fix coffee, and la la la...
D was asking me this series of ridiculous questions with answers so obvious, that I pretended to be asleep so as to stop the insanity and make him get in the shower. So he asked me what I planned to do today......I'm like, "What do I do everyday Babe? School the kids, do dishes, wash clothes, fix food, be a tyrannt and stomp through the house like a maniac......."
D- Don't you have to take Cole to the dentist?
A- yes
D- What time?
A- I told you that a million times....
D- at 9:00?
A-(insert lie, so he'll shut up) yes

Now he goes to take a shower cause he has asked me enough questions to feel comfortable coffee and breakfast will be forthcoming.

Later I'm saying goodbye to him in the driveway and obtaining my three OCD must have kisses, with his "Hooked on Japonics" blaring:

"EEEgo ga Wa kari mas ka? iee wa kari mas sin."
(English do you understand? No, I understand not.)

.....as he's shoving sausage, egg, & cheese biscuit in his mouth.

D- Yer gonna be late you better get movin, you should be leavin in just a bit.
A- No, I don't have to leave for another hour or so
D- (stopping the backward motion of the truck we call Big Red, Ford F150, cause we don't give a crap about global warming apparently) I thought you had to be there at 9:00
A- No, at 9:30 (for the 700th time)
D- You lied to me this morning.....
A- I did, so you would shut up and get in the shower.
D- Okay liar, have a good day, call me when Cole's done & let me know how he did........

.....and off he went.......with his biscuit and japonics

................................................................................

Not too long ago I was watching a video tape D had taken while at Myrtle Beach with both of our families before we had kids. I was sportin this hot tamale, plaid, pink and orange two piece and looking pretty tan. I was a newlywed and I actually thought I was fat then, who dag gone knew......eeeesh, next......

Anyway, on the video D was so South Carolina slang I could not understand him. His old roommate Donald was on the video and so was D's brother..... slang, slang, slang, long drawn out southern South Carolina jibberish. I swear I had to rewind it to understand him and his old roommate.

When D's brother visited recently I let D and his brother watch the video. They could not understand D or Donald either. It was a hoot, we had to rewind and listen to it a couple times. Most people still think D is pretty slang or from New Orleans, God forbid. They just have no idea how traveling around has helped him to settle that accent a bit.

I can also tell I have been married to him a while cause recently people have asked me where I am from. That rarely happens to me.

Plus, I told May to get me the fly swatter the other day. She informed me she had just come to realize, that I was saying FLY SwaTTeR. She thought the name of the bug killing tool was "flahswahtta." I thought that was hilarious.

Thankful Thursday, with an upper case "T" cause today is looking better already......

These are the things I am already thankful for today:

** A good nights sleep
**coffee and peanut butter whole wheat bagel
** Derrick

D is going to Japan in October to a conference for work. He'll be gone about a week and a half. So he had said he was going to just wing it with the language. I told him he needs to learn a few words at least, like toilet, hotel, taxi, yes, no, thank you.....and so forth.

So he had a good nights sleep too last night appparently and came off with these funny things to start our day......

"high" said extremely fast means "yes"...but he always says it with the grunting karate voice, it's hilarious. I told him I bet all Americans go over and grunt when they say yes cause that is the way we see them on TV. Sort of like they see all southerners are hillbilly stupid livin in shacks with trash in the front yard on TV.

Then he tells me he is going to say something like, in a completely stupid, southern, hillbilly voice, "All this is real purdy and all but whar is Gawdzillah?" Which I thought was hilarious.

He tells me, while hugging me goodbye in the kitchen, he has ordered some language cd's called hooked on Japonics.

He tells me while getting into his truck that he knows Japanese already and he moves his lips funny and out of sync with his words, as if he is being translated into English and says, "Look....there is.....Godzilla.....run." Which again, is funny to me at 7:00 in the morning.

Here is one more, while he was getting his lunch together in a bag, he went to the candy box where he could pick a dessert.....like a small box of nerds, small bag of m&m's, or something .....he picks up a "Ponky" which is candy from the country of Columbia. My mom had a co-worker bring it back from Columbia when she had traveled back home. Mom sent some home with me. We like it.

So D is dancing around my kitchen singing about how the "honky wants some Ponky and it's fonky" and in the bag the candy goes.


** Last night I was able to lead a child to Christ at Awana. After such a crappy day and going on about my glass being completely empty, that filled my cup to capacity.

It also got my thinking back on track a bit with the dentist thing. In that I am thankful D has a job right now with dental insurance. Although it isn't the best dental insurance if there is such a thing as one, it pays for something at least and we do have it.

My children have access to a Pediatric Dentist and I am thankful.

Every time Cole smiles at me I cringe a little cause .......my baby......his tooth......but I am going to choose to be thankful we have dental insurance today.........and Friday, and Saturday, and Sunday......& Monday hopefully he'll look more normal.....again, whatever that is.

Plus....this was my Bible verse this morning,

"I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalm 16:8

my glass is full,
my glass is full,
my glass is full,
my glass is full,
My glass is full.....

once......I ran over a chicken.......

Got a great new Starbucks cup with my Mother's Day gift card.

This cup makes me happy every time I use it. Filled with tasty good droplets of that sweet delicious drink that makes my body GO, GO, GO!!!!!!

It's Tennessee Orange and just a delight to hold with that great comfort grip sleeve.

It really is the small things that make my world go round.

..................................

These are the things I did not hit on Sunday on the way to church....a chicken, a chipmunk, a dog, a squirrel, and a guinea hen.

These are the things I did hit on the way to church.....two frogs and a turtle.....plus it's Tuesday and this morning I hit a snake, but I didn't feel bad about that one.

I know running over a turtle sucks and I was disturbed by that. But dang, there were two in the road cause it rained and a car was coming in the other lane so I had to hit it.

One of the gals in my Sunday school class told me I just could have stopped and waited for the car to pass then go around. I didn't think of that though, cause I panicked cause I was running late for church. It has to be really bad if you run over a turtle.

I never hit a single animal until I moved to TN. I must have run over 5 squirrels, at least 10 stupid freakin frogs, snakes which I run over on purpose. I mean....I swerve to the other lane to run over them if I can do it safely. I have had an idiot dog run slap under my car as I was coming to a stop at a stop sign, thank goodness. He got bumped on the head under my car and then ran out. What kind of idiot dog runs under a car while it is passing? I have ran over a chicken and now I can add turtle to that awful list.

Oh yeah there was a fly massacre in my garage two weekends ago. I killed like, I don't know, 107 flies....me, Z, & May...it was quite the sport, and fun too. Flies are disgusting.

I am about to grow a beard and die..........

Yesterday I did this: School, laundry, dishes, lake, showered, baseball in Oak Ridge, Starbucks, neighbors for porch politics where everyone in the world is stupid but us ;oD....

At the baseball field Zach hit an inside the park home run and brought a guy in with him. I was really happy for him cause he has been in a batting slump and pretty discouraged. Despite the at bat following, he struck out again, he seemed a little lighter cause he actually made contact and ran hard on his on accord during this particular game.

So to reward myself for his batting I took us all to Starbucks with my gift card for some frappuccinos and dessert. We should have been eating dinner, like real food, but hey that's the kinda mom I am....I have my priorities straight, real food - Starbucks....real food-Starbucks.......hands down we go for taste on an occasion such as this. They were delicious and cold, 2 vanilla beans and a mocha caramel with two straws, a horizon milk, a slice or blueberry crumb cake, and a slice of lemon icing cake .....

On the way home we meandered through the construction going on in Oak Ridge, cruising behind three cars doing 20 in a 35 speed limit construction zone, yet being followed by 4 cars or so, at 8:30 PM when no one was working at all. I thought I might grow a beard and die before we got home. Anyway the first car apparently was searching for some where to stop & turn around and abruptly slammed on his/her brakes causing a domino effect. We all slammed on brakes, hard.

Half a peanut butter sandwich from God knows where in the car flew past my head to the front wind shield, two plums jumped off the passenger seat & threw themselves on the floor. My purse vomited up everything inside of it, including some ants that had gone after CB's ring pop. All of the children screamed, seat belts tightened, some horns got honked....but not mine (cause usually I am not a horn honker)...........then we were moving lazily again through the construction and all was more or less normal and silent.

From the back seat Maysie says in the most geeked out voice over, "Holy cow, I almost Frapped in my pants."

Me & Z laughed out loud and hard cause that was just so dang funny in a moment when we needed funny.

Which then started a whole series of ways to use the word Frapp in an absurd manor, pretty much all the way home.