an egg- laying sea turtle & was hit by a gas-guzzling S.U.V........

Dear Blog,

The other day I saw a bumper sticker that said, "Nuke a Gay Whales for Jesus"

Which goes right along with the Bizarro cartoon in the paper..." A quadruple environmental tragedy today here, Brian, as a whale, tangled in a tune net full of dolphins, beached itself on top of an egg- laying sea turtle & was hit by a gas-guzzling S.U.V."

Then there was this article I read in Parade some time ago that told me....

...it was time for back to school when, for many families, the ABC's meet ADHD...according to the CDC 4.5 million children have been diagnosed, but "experts" don't know what causes it. New research points to pesticides particularly organophosphate- a man made toxin originally developed for chemical warfare and now used extensively in agriculture.  Scientists in the journal Environmental Health Perspectives write that children exposed to this in the womb have a higher chance of developing attention problems by age 5.


the article goes on and on and then states that possibly one million children are misdiagnosed. That some children just may be inattentive or behave poorly  because they are 5....


but to be better safe than sorry always wash your fruit and vegetables first.......


..... and take your child's age into consideration before getting an evaluation........um really?  This tid bit of info goes right along with do not put your hands flatly on an eye of the stove if it is cherry red, you may burn your freaking skin off moron.

At the risk of sounding completely judgmental and governmental conspiracy driven......this is my take on some things that make me want to poke my own eyeballs out or give someone a paper cut on purpose.

If your child spends most of his/her time in the house, on the computer, playing hand held games and watching TV and eating crap food and he/ she is getting on your nerves....that child does not have ADD or ADHD.

That child has PDD, Parental Disengagement Disorder.    Some parents need to get off their butts and cut the flipping TV off, get off the internet, and parent their children properly.

Do I believe some children respond better when taking medication?  Absolutely.

 Some kids need it and they need their parents to administer it to them properly...they need to freaking give the kid the medication themselves, make sure the kid freaking swallows it, and makes sure it given every day at the same dag gone time....I know a  kid in 3rd grade, whose parent tells him to take his medication which, he says he does, then he spits it out, his mother does not make him take it regularly nor does she refill his scripts when he's out.  That kind of parenting should be a dang crime.  She is doing her child a severe injustice in life.....and it affects all the children and adults this child comes in contact with....all day long.

On the medication as prescribed, the child is a different child altogether.

Some of the kids though,  are just drugged up and therefore more quiet and sedentary...and more pleasing to the parent who wants to do what the heck they want to do with minimal parenting.

How is it that 4.5 million children come to be diagnosed with ADHD??  It is absurd.

In the extreme sarcastic corners of my mind I see a woman with a colic baby and the doc's saying, "Here, just put some Ritalin in the bottle, this child has ADHD. Better yet, you take the medication yourself and then breast feed, it's more naturally administered that way and won't damage his self esteem  as he becomes an adult."

I swear some mornings while we are trying to school I vow with my hands raised to the ceiling, to put Cole on the yellow bus and never homeschool him...cause he gets on my nerves some days.  He behaves disorderly, disruptive, inattentive, and certainly hyper.......why?

Because I am schooling the other three, and he wants me to sit in the floor and play cars, read to him, color  with him, watch a movie with him, he wants Zac to wrestle with him, or Maysie to shoot video's with him....does he have ADHD?  No!  I could totally take him to the doctor explain his behavior and I swear I believe I could acquire medication.  However, the minute one of us switches our time to him to engage, the behavior immediately changes.

I don't mean we watch a movie with him or something surely quiet...I mean engage in an activity. It may be playing cars, walking the dog, putting up laundry together or making beds together...his behavior changes instantly.

I do believe they put entirely to much crap in our food.  God did not make our food to have a longer lasting shelf life or more nutrients and vitamins than He put into them Himself, certain small chickens aren't supposed  to be unnaturally plump for our consumption.

For sure some children are reacting to be over chemical-ed.....and certainly any one of  my children could be one of them. I mean for pete's sake we deal with OCD issues constantly in two children, two children have digestion issues & even I have been have had some issues with food lately & stomach pains, two of the children could be considered "hyper" by some......I mean pick a child, any child, any where....allergies galore these days,  environmental and FOOD allergies more now than ever! Autism, through the roof.  Cancer, through the roof. Alzheimers......Why???

Cause in the name of the almighty dollar our food is genetically modified and chemical-ed, if that is even a word.

I hate to sound manic, but gee wiz folks, I need some people to give me a break from being inundated with politically correct bullcrap. I am bored with that and unaffected.

I need some parents to quit excusing their children with ADHD and dag gone do some parenting that includes showing respect and discipline.

I need to be detoxed from all the chemicals.

I need some Midol & Lindor chocolate truffles probably too.



.

Yo!.................

In the car on the way to the home school co-op  on Thursdays we listen to 102.3 in the morning.  Its one of the pop stations here.  The DJ's are pretty clean in the morning and funny.  One them is "type A" I think and with all the OCD stuff we got going on, we find some of his stuff pretty funny.  Two of the DJ's give the type A guy a hard time but, as I see it, he handles them well.  In the afternoon though, the music is pretty dang iffy. We end up having to turn the channel.


I remember when my mom would have a conniption fit  if she saw us watching MTV when it first came on. My brother and I would watch it while she was at work, after school.  That's also when rap music was getting a foot in the door. Remember "Yo! MTV Raps" with Ed Lover & Doctor Dre?  So dang funny....


Anyway, we got in the car after their classes to head on home.  The radio station was still on 102.3 and this song was playing with a pretty good beat, that sort of made you want to dance and get day rolling, so we left it there.  Feeling pretty good heading for Game Stop to return some stuff, getting hair cuts, and then going to the gym.....feeeeeeeling gooooood.


Almost through the week and heading for the weekend. thump thump thumpin, dancin in the car, Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6
Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

What?

We always listen to the words in the songs...cause OCD..... God forbid someone hears something that causes bad thoughts, has a cuss word, something that provokes bad thoughts to go wild and confessions nonstop for days.  We are all usually very careful about what goes into the minds of people in my house..........CAUSE IT WREAKS HAVOC...AAAAAAHHHHHH

This day though it took a while for us to catch up with the song cause we were all so happy to be done with classes and heading back towards the casa.

(song going on)

"Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard
When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard
Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6
Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

Gimme that Mo-Moet
Gimme that Cry-Crystal
Ladies love my style, at my table gettin wild
Get them bottles poppin, we get that drip and that drop
Now give me 2 more bottles cuz you know it don’t stop

(808) Hell Yeaa
Drink it up, drink-drink it up,
When sober girls around me, they be actin like they drunk".......um Z & I fighting to flip the station quickly.


um, yeah, that song is......... not good.


So Z is all, "What is a G6?"


A- I think its a plane or jet or something, maybe that's why she feels "fly."


S- She said she was sipping scissors, getting DRUNK!


Oh gosh, here we go.....


A- Sky, nobody drinks scissors and gets drunk, thats retarded.  I don't know what she said, who cares about that girl anyway, she's gross.


distraction, distraction, distraction till we get focused on something else and she has forgotten it.


A couple days later Z and I were looking up some songs for our MP3's and decided to look up the words to that song.


Z- What is slizzard?


A- I don't know, look it up. (we google what is slizzard)


Urban Dictionary tells us it is a "slutty lizzard."


A- Well that makes no sense. She is getting slutty lizzard?  


We giggle a little. We redo the search and it tells us this is the urban word for getting drunk.


Z- So she is getting drunk on sizzurp. Well what is that?


So we google... What is sizzurp?


OOOOOOkay. Sizzurp is a "purple drank" (this is a link BTW if you want to read for your self) made out of cough syrup, codeine, and some fizzy beverage from the grocery store....mostly grape.


A G6 is in fact a fancy jet in the extreme price zone.


Z- Well this song is certainly full of furry bunnies and rainbows now isn't it.....


We cut up a little more, then determine that this song belongs in the bottomless trash pit along with anything Ke$ha sings.  Cause she is a complete moron who offers ZERO to young females that is positive.


So this whole song that young people listen to, sing and dance too....is about a girl/guy using a homemade illegal concoction to get drunk at the club.  She is feeling like a G6 because she is high...not fly.


I am serious, I hate to sound freaking old and all but the songs that filter through our young peoples minds are contamination at its fullest.  The gal Ke$ha tells young people she brushes her teeth with Jack Daniels and tries to get tipsy, she sings she wears ripped up stockings looking sexy with Jesus hanging on her neck, the whole time she's cussing it up during the song. (I looked this song up after seeing her on Dick Clark's New Years thing acting like, lets see....an idiot) They have actually made her music into the Kids Bop crap they sell on TV.....I am just astounded.


I know we had Guns and Roses in our time and rap music was getting popular back when my mom was conniption fitting.  But I  swear music gets more and more bold promoting things that are not good for our bodies in every way.
Music is huge in teen life.  The things we filter into them is exactly what we are going to get out of them.  Its sad to me that this is quality we are serving on platinum, diamond crusted platters for our young people to aspire too. 


There is a gaping hole of no hope in getting slizzard or brushing ones teeth with Jack Daniels.


I don't expect young people to listen only to Christian music, cause that isn't all I listen to.  I enjoy all kinds of music from Pavarotti, Hank Williams, Jr, and Dougie Fresh to Yiruma, James Taylor, & Third Day.  But gosh, it troubles me terribly the stuff so boldly flying out of the mouths of celebrities and media that bring no good to those who hear.
It seems like a more and more impossible task to compete with the world for young peoples attention for Jesus.


All the while diligent Christ lovers are looking to turn young people onto Him and they view Christianity as hypocritical, constrictive, and old school.  Constantly being bombarded by famous people telling them "Heaven seems like a boring place, maybe they can a have room there and vacation in Hell a few days a year."


That scares the crap out of me.  When I hear music like this, celebrities spouting off their careless words, and the media in general, including gaming geared towards kids who love things their parents hate......I have to pray hard for Christ to give me peace that he is in control. That His victory will be so in the end.  More specifically that I am equipped to witness properly to young people who seek my attention. So that I may fully understand what it takes for me to show them that Jesus Christ is more than "boring," He's my everything and no happiness in my body exist without him.


I have to be ready.  I hope every time I talk with a young person they seek the thing in me which is different from that which they get from the world.   


The ability to see beyond the now and aspire to the things that matter eternally.

wear the charm instead...........

sometime ago stuff cause I need to play catch up.......

I had taken Sky to her orthopedic doctor and Maysie tagged along. So happened that day that Derrick flew in from a conference in Florida. He came straight from the airport to the Dr.'s office as a surprise. The office was full of old folks getting their toenails clipped and new shoes and what not. When D came in the girls were so glad to see him that they jumped up and made a fuss right in the office. The old folks liked the ruckus. D settled into a chair next to a much older than us lady. We began to discuss the weather as it was looking VERY stormy that afternoon.

A- It's getting dark toward Oak Ridge...

Old Lady - You should try living in Michigan!

A- Why's that? Is it darker there than here? (not being fresh with her, just curious)

Old Lady - (cricket, cricket...Me, D, & May catching each others eyes)

A- Well, I don't think I 'd like it in Michigan...it's so cold there huh?

Old Lady- Oh...I don't know. I don't remember, But I do remember my brother had the whooping cough at a week old.

I am like...what the heck does that have to do with the price of gold in China??

So all 4 of us squeeze into the room designated for our visit with the doctor. I was unsure whether we had seen this doctor in the practice before so I was giving Sky the run down of things not to do as usual. In all ways Sky is brutally honest. The OCD makes her say the truth in the most detailed way so as not to tell a lie.

When she gets nervous she will blurt out random facts....true things that could be embarrassing if I were so inclined to be. I used to be, but now I am used to it and know to expect random facts that cause cringing.

So the regular speech goes like this...

A- Look, I don't know which doctor you are seeing today. Please keep your random blurting to yourself. Hold it, HOLD it, HOLD IT! Do not say things that I have to explain and side track our visit. Do not say, "I farted" or "Mom broke a wooden spoon on a book cause Zac didn't understand math averages" or "Your breath stinks." If it comes into your brain, HOLD IT!

May- Sky, for real, don't act like a freak. DO NOT FART, this room is small.

D- Yeah, this room is small.

All of these things have happened more than once. Her gastro doc thinks she is so cute and funny he is often sidetracked. He gets so silly with her whacked out comments that she has him so giddy he neglects to see the seriousness of my worries. Then two weeks later we have to come back cause we were dismissed casually....."cause she appeared healthy" and I appeared like a stick in the mud, as usual, and overzealous. The second visit usually gets some stuff done.

Anyone who knows Sky...knows her digestive system, mostly her bowels are not right. Our children's pastor can call it if she has let it go...even silently, it's that distinct. My mom can testify to the foul things that must be inside of her...and so could my dad God love him.

So I tell her..."Instead focus on the charm. You know how to do that. Put it on and wear that instead of the OCD. I can't do OCD today Sky, I mean it. Show daddy how you charm the doctors. He hasn't seen this before.

M- Oh Lord Mom really??

.....the doc comes in, one we have seen before. Smiles, smiles, smiles, handshaking, explain what the situation is, he starts checking Sky's feet. She turns the charm up about 5 notches. Longest eyelashes in the world batting slowly, I think her eyes became bluer or something on command, talking really nice, and doing just what he says to the tee, smiling at him like she is in love with him, manners galore, big words and intelligence spewing from her mouth to engage in his conversation....he calls her sweetheart & cutie pie, he smiles showing all his teeth. The doc says amazing things about her this and her that, has her walk up and down the halls for the nurses as if she is "on the catwalk" they ooooh and aaaah and tell her she is the bomb basically. I mean I really expected a mirror ball to descend the from the ceiling and someone to give her a scepter & cloak

The doctor gushes a bit more while finishing off THOROUGHLY and excuses himself to get some stuff.

The door shuts.

S - ...aaaaaand that's how it's done people. (grinning from ear to ear)

D - Oh Lord. We're in trouble.

May- Sky, jeez....better that than Turrets Syndrome, at least it's pleasant.

it's good the cuss word cop doesn't have a billy stick........

This morning CB was taking a bath while I was getting Skylar ready to go for her dental appointment for sealants. He was going over things that made "Jesus cry"......or rain fall from the sky, Jesus' tears.

I relayed that I always thought that rain was Jesus overflowing his bath water.

To this Sky responded that my thinking could not be right because Jesus was perfect in every way. He wouldn't be dirty and surely not forgetful in turning off His bath water.

CB tells us when people use "t words" it makes Jesus cry.

A- Well, what are "t words?"

CB- Like cuss words or saying "Oh my God" instead of saying "gosh."

S- Cole you always say Oh my God.


CB- No I don't Sky!

S- yes you do liar

A- Sky!  Really?!

S- Well he is a liar and he does use God's name in vain.

.......backtracking in my mind a bit......

Over the holidays we were at a neighbors house for a get together.  Sky called another adult out for using a cuss word...like, damn or something.

Sky is the cuss word cop. She is violent too...if she had a billy stick it would be bad.  The cuss word cop comes from part of her OCD stuff that makes me want to pull my hair out strand by strand with a pair of tweezers some days.  She hears a cuss word then thinks bad thoughts, then spends all day to a couple of days confessing that she has been thinking about the foul word EVERY TIME IT CROSSES HER MIND! Her medication ramps up her OCD issues at times and the confessing constantly is tedious. I'll save this rant for another day.

So when the cuss word cop called out the offending adult. I was embarrassed.  I was embarrassed a little because it came across as my child is calling out an adult on their behavior. It appeared disrespectful in the whole of the situation...especially in another persons house.

But the truth be told... why do adults need to swear in front of children?....or at all?

A Methodist pastor friend of ours said to me over a couples dinner many years before both couples had children, I may have been pregnant...when haven't I been pregnant....he said, "I always felt like people used cuss words when they couldn't think of a more clever word to use."

That really stuck with me.  I have conveyed that sentiment to my own children.  With so many wonderful words to choose from, why use the bad ones?

...but alas I still use them sometimes.  I use them most when I want to put a redneck, big, fat, exclamation point on a thought that conveys I mean business.

  Really? Do I mean business or just sound like a red neck?

Like, one day I was putting on a new shower head. I was up and down the ladder cause the dang thing would not loosen. I had to keep switching tools and getting plumbers tape and this and that & oh yeah what about this tool....up and down, up and down, on and on...every time I came down the ladder Zachary and Maysie were right under my feet, for crying out loud, I was stepping all over them...Why were they UNDER MY STINKING FEET  in the shower??

So.......I am coming down the ladder and I step on Zac's feet......

A- Will you please move your ASS??


Zac and May are shocked and look at each other but did not move.  Zac and I are face to face now in the shower.

Zac looks at Maysie then at me and says - Now you apologize to Maysie. (insinuating May is his ass)

We all start laughing and forget about it....except for Sky

She reminds me at the lunch table that she heard me say a cuss word in the shower and that I could surely have picked a more clever word, and did I ask God to forgive me?


I had been having an eventful morning. One of those days when things happen that shouldn't. Each thing you fix leads to something else that needs attention immediately and before you know it 4 hours has gotten by and what really needed to be accomplished hasn't happened yet and still needs to happen...only now your eating into the schedule 4 hours which puts you going to bed 4 hours later.

So Sky called me out and though she was correct, I lost my sanity in front of all my children at the lunch table and said

A- ASS, ass, ass, ass, ASS, ASS, ass, hell, hell, hell, damn and one more time for good measure, ASS!!

.......cricket, cricket.........

Zac busted out laughing.

May is hands over her mouth speak no evil and Sky is hands over her ears hear no evil.


Cole wants to know if he can have 3 cookies cause he finished all  his lunch.

I am like, gosh where'd that come from?  It was quite therapeutic...for about a minute or so.

M- Well now, that was quite pleasant.  I'm so glad we don't go to public school to learn language like that. I feel smarter already.
...................................................

So we're back in the bathroom with Sky calling out CB's ability to become a professional liar.

A- Skylie, Babe, you know you are absolutely correct to say we shouldn't use cuss words or lie or whatever.  But when you call people out on their sin in front of others two things happen. First, they get embarrassed and second they want to look for a fault in you to call out, so they can show others you sin too. Not that they want to hurt your feelings, but they are human and don't want to feel displaced.  Is the behavior right? No, but drawing a room full of people's attention to another person's sin isn't right either.

I reminded her of the incident at the neighbors house calling out the adult and that this was not the first instance of that either, that it came across as disrespectful more than trying to keep her mind clean.  Which all of us fully understand and outsiders don't.

I reminded her of the Bible story of the women who had been found with another man, like a boyfriend, while she was married. She was going to be stoned to death for this act.  The men brought her to Jesus to see what he would say about it.  Jesus wrote some words in the sand. Some say each man with a stone, ready to cast at the woman, viewed the words written by Jesus as his own secret sin...then Jesus stood and said, "Those without sin should cast the first stones."  When the girl looked up, there was not one man there waiting to stone her, for they all knew they were sinners, the same as she.  Jesus told her to go and sin no more.

I asked Sky if she was she perfect? Would she be able to cast the first stone?  Did she have a secret sin that only she ...and maybe me & Jesus knew about?

Sky expressed that she was glad the girl was not stoned to death and was able to live.  Sky affirmed that she knew she too, was a sinner. She knew she did some things that surely made Jesus unhappy. She understood that she had been casting stones casually and carelessly for her own sake.

I was so moved by her ability to understand this concept and readily accept this correction. I thought of how good God is to give us these moments with our children to teach in them in the way they should go. To be able to trust Him to know and understand what he has to teach our children through us as parents using the wisdom He gives us in His Book.  It takes my breath away, how good and right God is everyday and never failing.

I made a New Years resolution today to try really hard not to cast a bunch of stones casually and carelessly for the sake of myself.  I can't count the times Christ wrote my sins in the sand this past year and I kicked my foot over it so I wouldn't have to read it.

I'm done with that.

try again Momma, I'm getting in...........

Me showing Cole his new soccer uniform......

A- Hey Cole! Want to see your new soccer shirt buddy?

C- COOOOL! It's purple and it has two'd two on it!

......he's number "22"

......................................................................

I'm going through one of those times where no matter how many towels I wash there are never any towels in my bathroom to dry off with. For like 3 days or so I have dried myself off with a hand towel or two. I washed two loads of towels yesterday. When I went to take a shower one load was in the wash and the other in the dryer...so I was gonna use two small hand towels.....again.

....but Cole came in, stripped off his clothes, climbed into the tub and took one for himself. I thought I had locked the door, cause he's getting bigger and I don't want him in the bathroom with me anymore. I must have just missed the full shut (which is obviously, car door verticalness, not uncommon) so when he pushed the door and burst in with full 4 year old energy, this occurred....

A- Get out.

CB- No Momma, I wanna get in, but I don't want you to wash me off with soap. I just wanna play cars with you (stripping off his clothes).

A- I'm not playing cars CB, don't get in the tub. If you get in I am going to wash your hair with the blue shampoo(he hates this I know he'll leave now).

CB- NoooOOOOooo, the blue shampoo is in the garbage can, I see the bottle.....try again Momma, I'm getting in.

He does, I don't wash his hair, and I do play cars for about 10 minutes cause that's all I can handle and I pull the plug.

I am drying off with my paper towel, I mean my hand towel, and CB is standing on the toilet trying to dry his own hair. He is spewing off as many foul words as he can muster.....

CB- snot, dooky, fart sniffing dog breath, stinky spit globs in yer toe funky socks, rotten teeth, armpit hair, you are a dummy...

A- COLE! That's enough! What is wrong with you? Stop talking like that, it sounds awful. What would make you think to say all those not desirable things in one mouthful.

CB- I don't know, I just like saying random things sometimes.

I'm like, what the heck does he know about saying random things...and what the heck does he know about the word random?....

CB- Mom, I am gonna hide under here(under the sink where towels for your body are supposed to be) and I want you to find me.

A- You're under the sink.

CB- How did you know?

A- Cause you are the only naked child in here who told me they were going to hide under the sink.

CB- Okay I am gonna hide in Daddy's closet and you come find me.

A- No

CB- Yes Momma, I'm not gonna get dressed unless you find me.

A- I am not gonna find you cause I have to take Z to W*** & C*****'s and I have to get dressed. If you're going with me you better get some clothes on.

CB- I'm just going naked cause you won't find me.

A- That's fine, whatever Cole Bear.

CB- Fine, I'm going into the car now with no clothes on cause you won't find me.

A- Fine.

CB- ...and I am going to rub the seat belt all over my naked butt and get naked Cole Bear all over the seat belt.

A- CB, Fine whatever dude, I'm fixin to leave, for real. That won't bother me one bit (but I'm thinking Z won't like that at all).

I head out the bathroom door, call out to Z to rock and roll, and head towards the car...Z propels himself down his stairs like boulder coming through he floor.

Z- GET SOME CLOTHES ON COLE, GOSH!

CB- NO! Cause Momma won't play with me! I'm not gonna wear clothes today ZACHARY!

Z slams the garage door and is getting in the car with me.....

CB-(in the house).......Momma DON'T leave me!

wait for it...........wait for it............wait for it.........

I hear stomping and panic crying, nothing, stomping, panic crying and the door to the garage area where we are waiting flies open. I can see that I have won the battle of wills ....yet again, by calling his buff, er I mean his bluff...

CB emerges from the house, gets into the car, slams the door.....he is wearing a Dale Earnhardt, Jr. too big shirt that used to be mine, that he sleeps in and black cowboy boots. He gets into the car and I begin to back out.

CB- Momma....you didn't make me put these clothes on. I wanted to put theses clothes on...and these boots too.

A- Okay CB, you just didn't want the big boys to see you naked in the car. I thought you were gonna rub yer naked Cole Bear butt all over the seat belt...

Z- No! He isn't! That's disgusting!

CB- I am. I am just gonna do it later. I just wanted to wear my clothes for a minute.



What's that quote?

"No one ever choked to death swallowing his pride"

.......or something...

he has this awful red afro and way too much lipstick...........

This past Monday I took my kids and PJ to Dollywood.

IT WAS SO FREAKING HOT!

I had told the kids, "Look, you may as well just resign yourselves to being hot, thirsty, sweaty, salty, sticky, and stinky today and all day. The heat will never subside, so soak in the fun and try to keep it together."

Right off the bat Sky was measured wrong and they claimed she was still too short to ride any of the rides except the idiot ducks....which means Cole can only ride the idiot ducks. So they both got banded with kiddie ride arm bands. Sky's demeanor went down visibly and immediately. So did mine and May's for her.

The Dolly Dame claimed Sky was 1/4 of and inch to short and WOULD NOT let her slide. I was thinking about getting stupid and some other parents looked at me like I should get stupid. I did ask her if she could please just give the next up arm band, she's almost eight and doesn't want to have a season pass to ride the dumb ducks, 1/4 of an inch..... come on.....

She then pulled Sky out of line and explained to me the constitution of the United States and about all measurement regarding the shelves on the bottom of the ocean floor and tall building construction & frying eggs.

I was about to grow a beard and die twice waiting for her to shut up.

Like those times when I get a ticket.....yes, yes....I understand, you're right......hmmm.......really........yes, yes, yes...........okay, okay...........yes, thank you, fake smile, leave, cut the arm band off and hope for lesser attentive ride workers.

That was the right thing to do. BOTH Sky and Cole were quite able to ride almost every ride except the huge roller coasters. Which is fine. Because Sky was an inch and 1/2 taller than she was measured according to the marking sticks. She was able to ride a few of rides by herself. This free'd me up to ride with CB who measured repeatedly rider with an adult in tow.

When I needed another adult for Sky..........lied again and claimed PJ was 16. Which isn't that off base really, he's 15 1/2 or something. He was glad to help me out.

An adult that teaches a kid to lie is not a good thing. It had to be done though for all things great and small if this day was to be remotely tolerable for me.

Can you imagine what kind of whining I would have had to endure while two hot miserable kids complain about riding ducks, flying pigs, and some bees. Uuuuhh, no, not even going there. I felt no Jiminy Cricket about it at all.

The night before we left for Dollywood, the 5 of them were on the dock swimming after dinner and came up with a rap called Down With the Ducks at Dollywood. One kid was the beat box, two were the back ground vocals and one was the rapper...the other two of us were the laughers, cause that crap was so dang funny. I wished I had it on video, hilarious.

Cole rode some super scary rides for a 4 year old that Maysie wouldn't even ride, loved'em and wanted more. He's a brave, crazy little sucker.

Can I just say......I loved going to Dollywood with all of the young people. Even though I was the only adult, I had a blast.

When it was about time for us to head home God overflowed the bathtub and used the nice folks at Dollywood to mop it up.

I had the kids wait at the exit while I rode the tram in side of the face slapping rain, thunder and lightening, then jogged to my car. I was glad I had been using my treadmill cause I was totally not out of breath at all. I felt pleased with myself.

So I got into my car in clothes so wet that I looked as if I had jumped into a pool. I pulled the car around to get the kids who are the most amazing mind reading children ever. They had folded up the stroller, divided up the conglomeration of cups, balls, wet tennis shoes, & socks and were making haste to the vehicle when they saw me. I swear I loved them for being intuitive.

Let me just take this time to say PJ is one of the most awesome teens I know. I know quite a few cool teenagers actually, but PJ is genuinely kind, loving, grateful, respectful, courteous, and super funny. Despite the fact I corrupted him with telling lies about his age at Dollywood, I observe that he is honest and not easily influenced by others. I am glad Z has had the opportunity to hang out with him relentlessly this summer. He's an awesome influence on Z. He handles Z's strong personality & touching issues with ease as if he has handled it right along with my family forever. I will miss him when he goes home and I know Z will also.

Anyhoo.... we got stuck in Pigeon Forge traffic for entirely too long in entirely too wet clothes. My bra was glued to my body and my pants were starting dry on the top but completely hot and soaking wet underneath on my butt. We were all cold on the top and hot & sticky on the bottom. The car was starting to smell like musty corn chips. It was bad. The guys took off what they could and still be decent, Sky took off what she could and was indecent, as usual and didn't care at all.

May and I were in mind over matter mode......just focus on getting home.

We did stop at McDonald's to eat.

We're in the bathroom washing our hands and so forth......drying our clothes with hand dryers......

Sky bustin in the bathroom door - Mom! There is this totally creepy clown sitting on a chair out there and he has this awful red afro and way too much lipstick.

like bifocals for the eyes, except these are for the ears.........

I do not know why this is, but lately, and almost every time I brush my teeth...my idiot tooth brush brushes past my teeth and up into my gum area harshly. Freakin it hurts! I mean I am just brushing along and WHAM!

My tooth brush is slamming against my top teeth gum line violently.

It always takes me by surprise cause who expects that to happen while brushing? Especially if one has just done this two or three times before and is trying to make a conscious effort to not do it.

It's like my toothbrush has acquired a persona of it's own and has a vendetta against me for ramming him down my throat in a gag session or something.

See it: Evil Toothbrush Scratches Womans Gums Off In Vengeance!

.................................................................

CB- Mom, I want a chocolate pickle.

A- What?

CB- I want a chocolate pickle.

A- I don't know what a chocolate pickle is CB, can you show me?

...goes to fridge and shows me Popsicles.

He wants a Popsicle.

.....................................................................

Last night D and I were having a conversation about someone, we'll call Rudy for today, who has a terrible problem walking off when others are speaking. Rudy will ask a question, then in complete rudeness turn and walk away while you are answering. It irritates the crap out of me.

It's as if Rudy doesn't really care what answer you give, Rudy is through with the conversation.....walk away. RUDE!

So D was relaying to me that Rudy had committed this foul action against someone other than he and I. D and I used to think this person just had a lot on their mind and didn't realize they were doing this rude action and wrote it off as, "needs help with people skills"...and just took it for what it was. We have since come to understand this action is all by itself simple rudeness. D and I try not to engage in long conversation with Rudy, cause Rudy's action....irritates the crap out us.

So Rudy committed this action against another. We'll call this person Newsome for today.

Newsome tells D that she believes Rudy may have a hearing problem.

D tells me he thinks to himself......"Uh no. Rudy doesn't have a hearing problem. He has a listening problem. He doesn't need a hearing aid, he needs a listening aid..."

I thought that was very clever. In my opinion Rudy does need a listening aid, turned up on the highest volume.

In fact, I would like to purchase one for D and my children too....and my mother... who needs a listening aid for one ear and a hearing aid for the other........like bifocals for the eyes, except these are for the ears.

..................................................................

D made this awesome salad for himself on Sunday. He proceeded to come into the bedroom to show off this magnificent prize while I was checking email on the computer.

I am like, what?! You know sandwiches and salads are my thing. I dang take pictures of that kind of stuff. I still have this awesome picture of my blueberry stuffed french toast from Mimi's Cafe almost a year ago, on my cell phone screen.

Instantly D sees my wanting and thinks to bolt while he can with his beautiful salad. He knows he has made a huge mistake. So he offers to give me half.

I feel guilty, a little.......not really....and tell him no way it's his salad to go ahead and eat it, I am not hungry anyway. This is a tad true but not fully. The minute I saw the salad my stomach became engaged in my thought process and though I felt no hunger pains physically, I felt them mentally and was hungry.

So back and forth we go about whether he should give me half of his salad. He does give me half. I skip happily into the kitchen and put this awesome Naturally Fresh honey mustard dressing on it. Just enough to give it zing but not to over power all the other flavors and so forth. My insides are so happy when I plop down beside D on the living room couch to eat his salad up.

I am in my own personal heaven floating on my salad cloud with singing harps, furry bunnies and rainbows.........(insert record scratching)

My dog is giving me tender puppy eyes....for my salad....like I would ever give her lettuce anyway.

I am all, "Forget it Jenny. I don't care how cute you are. Tender puppy eyes aren't gonna work for you this time. I will never give you this delicious salad."

D - Yeah, well now you know how I feel......but I caved.

Have you ever heard of anyone playing the difdle, the lifdle, or the liddle before.............

Doing phonics with Sky some time this week, the word in the sentence is "fiddle"....

S- liddle

A- try again

S- lifdle

A- Sky, please....look at each letter and read that kindergarten word.

S- Shiddle

A- (I snicker...Z at other end of the table snickers)

S- Whats so funny?

A- Nothing read the word...

Z- (completely sidetracked now at Sky saying "shiddle" instead of "fiddle"...still trying not to snicker)

S- What?!

Z- Sounds like something a little dog, like Jenny, would do.....

A- (I try not to laugh, cause that is borderline foul) Z, that's enough.

S- Like, Jenny did a little "shiddle."

A & Z - (laughing cause she has no idea what she has implied and has used it correctly)

Z- SKY! Don't say that!

S- Why? Is shiddle a bad word?

A- No, but it sounds awfully close the way you just used it.

S- Well I didn't know.

A- Don't use that word even when you're playing around Babe, cause it sounds ugly. It's close to an ugly word used for dog poops. Now read this word please.......(try to refocus on phonics and ignore Z still snickering under his shirt that is pulled over his nose)

S- (lacking total focus now & off in some other time zone) Mom? Is shiddle the same word as damn-it?

Z & A - SKY!!!!

Z- (has to leave the table cause he's so sidetracked by her blatant ability to use cuss words with no remorse in inquisitiveness)

A- Sky, yes... those words are in the same ugly word category. Now I want you to get those words out of your mind and quit contaminating yourself. If you blurt those words out again I will get angry. It is determined now that those words are not to be said, they are both not good words. If I hear them again I will put soap on your tongue. (which I know is a lie.... cause you know, I am so done with the throw up) FOCUS PLEASE! Read.... this..... word!

S- difdle......oooh Mom,(whine) I don't know this dumb word, cause now it looks like an ugly word in my mind.

A- Sky the word is dang FIDDLE. Have you ever heard of anyone playing the difdle, the lifdle, or the liddle before?!

S- No, and actually, they don't play the shiddle either.

Z- (busting out laughing in the other room)

I send them both to their rooms, until I can go pray a little bit in my closet. Then we break for lunch, and don't do phonics for two days to be sure that word has long passed both of their minds.

.........................................................

Me, May & Z going over their math at the kitchen table, Cole playing with a short pencil at the other end of the table.......we are not really paying attention to him. There is a break in the conversation and some pause while we think on some stuff and we hear this....

C- (in a perfect Englishman accent) Good Day Suh.

When we look up he has a short pencil squeezed in between his nose and upper lip like a thin mustache. Random, unexpected, and dang funny......

........................................................

Can't sleep........

Tuesday morning up at 4:20 am grading papers........

Wednesday morning up at 5:00 am grading History tests.....

Thursday morning up at 4:50 am reading on constitution stuff for this afternoon.....

......................................................

I took Sky to the allergist yesterday. They skin prick tested her again, which they just did in October of last year. So I thought that was....uumm.... retarded!

All the test were negative for food allergy..... again.

I mean I wanted to say.....the food is messing her up inside her body...inside her body, during swallowing & digestion....I don't rub the food on her skin.......she doesn't break out in hives...SHE VOMITS LADY!!! Just cause you stick some milk on her back she isn't going to VOMIT...it just doesn't make logical sense. I mean if we give the child "a trace amount on non fat dairy" in a slice of bread she vomits. She said her tongue feels fat, May & I have witnessed her uvula swollen...she gasps for air sometimes...THAT IS SCARY TO ME!!!

Every time she coughs at night or starts gagging I wake up and run to her room cause I am afraid she is going to choke or her throat will swell up and I won't know it.

So keep her off dairy Amy & shut up for petes sake....

Well duh.

That's what we've been doing. I swear though, if I hadn't had said I wanted a blood test yesterday just to give me some peace of mind, the gal wouldn't have taken any. She tells me we could try giving her "a little lactaid, even though I don't think that will do much at this point and see if that works, she may just be highly intolerant of dairy."

I am like, no shiddle Lady, she is highly intolerant at the minimum right now.

She then tells me that Sky has no signs of drainage in her nose or throat, but she is going to give her a nose spray anyway.

.....Like the pediatrician that took blood to check her white blood cell count. It was perfect indicating no bacterial problems....but let's give her 14 days worth of antibiotics on top of the 10 she has already taken that aren't working and some more steroids too......cause she just isn't jacked up, gagging, & throwing up enough.

.....Like the Gastro docs office......I tell them Sky has been throwing up every time she eats for two weeks, I would like to bring her in.

Nurse No You Can't Come In - Well if she is coughing she needs to go the pediatrician , call us back if it becomes a digestion issue.

SSSSSCCCCRRREEEAAMMMM!!!!!!!!! I said she is throwing up every time she eats, did you catch that??

So the pediatrician says he has done all he can do, take her to the Gastro.

The allergy lady says she has done all she can do...by giving us nose spray and telling me not to give her dairy if she throws up when she eats it......again, no shiddle...... like I am a moron who loves to clean up throw up and I need to be told that. Take her to the Gastro.

I am serious.......... I am about to become a crack head.

....... with my own special crack pipe with my name air brushed on the side in metallic letters.

I am gonna wait on the blood work to come back. If it shows nothing, I am busting the Gastro's door down and commencing a smack down till he checks her out.

I mean, literally I have done all I can by omitting the dairy, but she is starting to gag again at night. It was getting better once the dairy was gone, but it's like I am filling her with soy now and she is trying to start all over....anything with colored dye....cough, cough, gag, gag.....

I am starting think my Obamacare has already kicked in and no one told me.

No shiddle.

G is for christening the church bathroom........

is for gagging for the good of all involved.....

I did my first "lock-in" at the church this past Friday. There were 9 of us and I thought we all had a pretty good time. We had lasagna for dinner, did gingerbread houses till near midnight.....










(dirty feet from the gym floor)


did facials till 2:30 in the morning.....

(exfoliating)


(mud masks)



(mud masks still & clear cucumber peels)


(Peeling the cucumber peel mask off. We all loved this one, it was equivalent to peeling sun burned skin)


..... finally winding down at about 3:15 am for some sleep.....


(one 8th grade gal is missing cause she had to leave early)



.....then ate some french toast for breakfast and had a spiritual gifts devotional time. After all of that, it was time to head home.

We woke up to snow!

It was quiet and awesome as I rambled around at 6:30 am alone trying to get breakfast ready. I had the Christmas music playing, while the others slept away in another building.




Let me say this though, prior to enjoying my kitchen dream with snow and Christmas music.....I totally had to get up off the floor on which I was sleeping cause my hips were screaming at me to "GET UP OFF THE FLOOR!!! I WILL NOT WORK PROPERLY IF YOU LAY DOWN HERE ONE MORE MINUTE, GET UP!!!!!"

So I lifted my wretched sore body from the floor and went directly to the 8th grade girls sleeping room, got my toothbrush from Maysie's bag and christened the church bathroom sink with a wonderful 5 to 7 minute gagging session with my toothbrush.

All the stars were properly aligned after that.

It had to be done, so I could feel good in the kitchen with snow, Christmas music, and french toast.

I really had a super time. I am convinced I had just as good a time as the girls did.

I believe that I did get to know some of them better, which was the whole purpose....for us all to get to know each other better.

Laura McC (Mac) stayed with me. I hadn't spent any real time with her in about 100 years.

Probably since the baseball field, two seasons ago. In fact the last time I had seen her she was kicking me in the back cause I was begging my friend Danielle to tell me the little girl singing the National Anthem, in a blue jean jumper dress, with a long unbrushed pony tail, just killing the song........ making me want to lob my head off in a guillotine in agony of having to endure such a tragedy in the National Anthem world of singing.......I was begging Danielle to tell me the girl was not home schooled, and Laura kicked me from behind and told me to "shut it."

They shoulda just played the instrumental and left it.......

I had forgotten how funny and refreshing she is. Randy, her husband, is surely a lucky guy to get to hang out with her all the time. Randy was one of my Sparks leaders in the past. He is a great guy too; I adore them both. In my opinion, Laura made everything about the lock-in better. She is beautiful, funny, totally gets young girls and they trust her. She was absolutely hand picked by God to stay with me that night. Even though her only boy had a football banquet she wanted to attend, she stayed with me and the girls. I am more crazy about her now than I was before.

So when I finally got home around 11:30am or so on Saturday, I had a crick in my neck.

I said, I had A CRICK IN MY NECK...........uuuuuuuhh It sucked.

When I was talking to my mom on the phone, turning my head just to talk, bending to laundry, just in general trying to live.....my freakin neck screamed, "You old lady!! DON'T SLEEP ON THE FLOOR ANYMORE!!"

Tony Workman was my hero Friday cause he gave me the safety idea of double locking us into an area of the church that had a bathroom with water for facials, our own heat, and clean flooring...... I am crazy about that guy too! That was an awesome idea! It worked beautifully and I felt super safe!

We had to sing La Bamba for random effect........

Where to begin......

hhhmmm........

So Caesar sees me one night after work and says to me something along the lines of since I'm a liar, had a told a lie that day?.....

It just so happened I had. That particular morning Cole wanted ice cream for breakfast and I told him he could have it, except that the ice cream was really yogurt with sprinkles.

I don't care what I feed the kid as long as I put sprinkles on it he'll eat it, oh yeah, or ketchup. Cole eats everything with ketchup, you name it, if I put ketchup or sprinkles on it he'll eat it.

I put sprinkles on green beans, oatmeal, pizza, macaroni, cheese toast, waffles, hamburger without the bun, I once even put sprinkles on a chicken leg to get him to try it....now he loves chicken legs.

I put them on top of and inside of quesodillas.

It's Cinco de Mayo party chicken & quesodillas! ARRRRRRIBA!

We had to sing La Bamba for random effect but by golly Cole bear ate the quesodillas. I'm here to tell you if it weren't for quesodillas, oatmeal, chips, and choclate milk.....Cole would die of starvation.

Here's another lie I told repeatedly Saturday or something.....

All day long when CB asked me if he could have anything and everything that was commercialized on TV, I said "yes." So he would be quiet. All the time people are saying you should say "yes" to your child more than you say "no."


I'm just going along with the "in parenting" crowd.....the "just say yes" crowd instead of the "just say no." As long as I tell him he can have it, he moves along to the next thing on his little brains agenda and forgets all about it.

To be perfectly honest the kid could care less about toys at Walmart or where ever as long as he gets a .25 toy from the gumball machine on the way out of Kroger. If he is good and doesn't act like a moron while I am shopping, I am happy to obliged the little fella with a .25 ball that will bounce all over my house and get lost promptly. It's all good.

I told a lie this morning to D......

Repeatedly I told him CB had a dental appointment at 9:30 this morning. I told him all weekend cause I was dreading it. I told him last night in late night bed talk before he laid still for 2 seconds flat and drifted off effortlessly. I swear if I shut up for 5 seconds, just 5, he's gone......I'm so jealous that he can do that.

So this morning he wanted me to get up, so he could talk, and I would fix coffee, and la la la...
D was asking me this series of ridiculous questions with answers so obvious, that I pretended to be asleep so as to stop the insanity and make him get in the shower. So he asked me what I planned to do today......I'm like, "What do I do everyday Babe? School the kids, do dishes, wash clothes, fix food, be a tyrannt and stomp through the house like a maniac......."
D- Don't you have to take Cole to the dentist?
A- yes
D- What time?
A- I told you that a million times....
D- at 9:00?
A-(insert lie, so he'll shut up) yes

Now he goes to take a shower cause he has asked me enough questions to feel comfortable coffee and breakfast will be forthcoming.

Later I'm saying goodbye to him in the driveway and obtaining my three OCD must have kisses, with his "Hooked on Japonics" blaring:

"EEEgo ga Wa kari mas ka? iee wa kari mas sin."
(English do you understand? No, I understand not.)

.....as he's shoving sausage, egg, & cheese biscuit in his mouth.

D- Yer gonna be late you better get movin, you should be leavin in just a bit.
A- No, I don't have to leave for another hour or so
D- (stopping the backward motion of the truck we call Big Red, Ford F150, cause we don't give a crap about global warming apparently) I thought you had to be there at 9:00
A- No, at 9:30 (for the 700th time)
D- You lied to me this morning.....
A- I did, so you would shut up and get in the shower.
D- Okay liar, have a good day, call me when Cole's done & let me know how he did........

.....and off he went.......with his biscuit and japonics

................................................................................

Not too long ago I was watching a video tape D had taken while at Myrtle Beach with both of our families before we had kids. I was sportin this hot tamale, plaid, pink and orange two piece and looking pretty tan. I was a newlywed and I actually thought I was fat then, who dag gone knew......eeeesh, next......

Anyway, on the video D was so South Carolina slang I could not understand him. His old roommate Donald was on the video and so was D's brother..... slang, slang, slang, long drawn out southern South Carolina jibberish. I swear I had to rewind it to understand him and his old roommate.

When D's brother visited recently I let D and his brother watch the video. They could not understand D or Donald either. It was a hoot, we had to rewind and listen to it a couple times. Most people still think D is pretty slang or from New Orleans, God forbid. They just have no idea how traveling around has helped him to settle that accent a bit.

I can also tell I have been married to him a while cause recently people have asked me where I am from. That rarely happens to me.

Plus, I told May to get me the fly swatter the other day. She informed me she had just come to realize, that I was saying FLY SwaTTeR. She thought the name of the bug killing tool was "flahswahtta." I thought that was hilarious.