Well, well, well.........well???........

Yesterday morning I awoke to CB screaming bloody murder at about 6:30 in the morning.  He still gets up at the butt crack of dawn.  He had went poops and over flowed the toilet.  So he was was in sheer panic mode standing in the bathroom naked holding his clothes in his hands.

For some reason, our toilets just don't flush well.  So I only buy the "Charmin Basic" tp.  It's soft enough, but breaks down easily.  Recently in an attempt to save a little cash and see if our toilets would flush better, I bought some seriously CHEAP tp.  Like camping tp in a double roll.  I only bought 6 rolls but the stuff has lasted like 6 months.  My people are completely frustrated with me because they're saying its like the commercial where the woman throws the roll at her husband. As the roll grazes the side of his head it mows his hair off.  They claim its mowing their skin off.  I am finally down to the last roll and it flushes no better than the "Basic" so I'll not be buying that anymore.

So at six something in the morning I am cleaning up overflowed toilet water.  While I am on my hands and knees doing this CB is continually asking for some chocolate milk.

incredulously...A-    !CB!  Give me a stinkin break ok?  I mean good Lord, you have overflowed the toilet here and I am cleaning this up out of  a dead sleep... I don't even have my glasses on and my hips are still in the "I'm getting old, locked up position."  Can you give me a dang break??? You know... one morning....JUST ONE, I would like it if you would sleep late. Would it be too much to ask you to sleep in your bed till the rest of us got up and got our wits about us before you started with your daily 10 commandments as the sun is scaring away the moon???  I mean, for real Dude, I would like, JUST ONE morning to have ONE cup of coffee before I had to start running around fulfilling all of your daily dreams....JEEEEZ!!

CB, still standing there naked holding his clothes, his tanned little body, white little fanny, messy white blond bedtime hair, and reddened face with panic tears.......
 - WELL!  How would like if your little boy was sucked down into the toilet??!!!

I start laughing cause he is serious.  Maysie, who is supposed to be sleeping in her near by bedroom, starts snickering and so does Sky...

CB get ticked cause we are all laughing and starts crying. This makes it a bit more deliriously funny.

All this to say he just woke up and it's 8:00 on the dot.  This was a gift from God to me.

We've had the discussion once at my moms about, "Why is that little boys always have to take ALLLLLL of their clothes off to go poops."  It was a lively discussion that concluded that its just something that little boys do...my brother added that he still does it.  Which led to him revealing that he was just at work the other day with all of his clothes piled in the floor taking a poops break.  He was just kidding of course but the mental images were great.

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In a nut shell I'm at 180.2 now.  I can be 179.4 on a good day but as soon as I start thinking and filling my mind with thoughts of the day I instantly weigh 180 to 182.  BUT hitting the 170's number has encouraged me to keep going.  30 pounds lost, 30 more to go...

I got a part time job as the church custodian working around 20 hours a week.  Some weeks more, like last week, because of VBS...grass galore and sloshy, spilled drinks in places people shouldn't be drinking in a church. Some weeks less because getting caught up can be awesome maintenance.  It's good pay for something I can be really good at.  Cause what mom can't clean up some crap......literally.  I feel good when the church is clean.  I mean I can stand back and see the fruit of my labor. I feel good to have done something for God's house.  To get paid for doing it is a gift.

D's question now is, "When are you going to clean our house?"  The answer from me is, "When are you gonna pay me?"  ......tis all just joking and what not but seriously, cleaning my house now doesn't seem such an impossible job.

I have the whole summer to figure out my time management.  I thought I would actually have this figured out by now, by alas I have not.  Really, I know if I just get my butt up by 5:00 and put the hours in till about 9 or 10:00 about 3 or 4 days a week & then hit an afternoon before Sunday for a final once over, it's all cake.  But I just want to sleep in....or at least till I have to start filling CB's 10 commandments.

It would be easy to say, well I will just send the kids to school.  Then I could work out and do the church job.  My working out has taken a back seat for sure.  I am still squeezing in at least once a week...I am shooting for two this week.  I count all my vacuuming and cleaning as aerobic, cause no lie some days my dang arms are sore.  I do sweat most days when I clean too.

Sending the kids to school though...would surely not be God's will.  I have not prayed about that at all.  I know God would not want me to sacrifice all we have accomplished for the sake of money and for the sake of my self satisfaction.  The job and the fitness center are surely things that please me.  While I believe God will bless both of those if done in the right spirit, I fully believe He could make those things miserable if done for my self and not to bring him glory. Neglecting the one thing I know He has called me to do would not be a good thing.

I have been out of the will of God before and it's not fun...AT ALL.  So I have to be careful when thinking and tending to my children's education.  The outside chatter filling my ears must be shut down and prayed over, not carelessly tossed about as if it were a coat I put on and take off at will.

Things to cover when CB sleeps late again:

1. How to stop thumb sucking 101...and the hairy thumb doesn't work, and some other stuff that don't work...but we're trying something knew...
2. Church stuff in general
3. Some funny stuff I have written down that hasn't made the blog
4. Maysie's sinus surgery and the book she is writing for school
5. How to make the most of 24 hours in a day effortlessly   :oP
6. Sharpie, Painting, Photography stuff
7. learning to be content 101   :o/
8. girlfriends and such...
9. wasp chasing and bruises....

...and not necessarily in this order.

I am just not feeling your flow............

um.............I been busy.

Looks like this:

Monday - school, treadmill for two miles, shove some kind of nutrition down the throats of all my people, clogging studio, soccer field, clogging studio, home @ 10:30 P freaking M.

Tuesday - school, treadmill for two miles, shove some kind of nutrition down the throats of all my people, this is appt afternoon and errands on this side of town, or maybe some yard work, and hopefully dinner with the fam if no one knocks their teeth out  or needs stitches.

Wednesday - school, treadmill for two miles, shove some kind of nutrition down the throats of all my people, orthodontist, church

Thursday - school, shove some kind of nutrition down the throats of all my people at 5:50am, pack a cooler full of food and drinks, head for the home school co-op at the butt crack of dawn, to the gym, grocery store, home and rest for a couple hours, then to soccer field for two 1/2 hours sometimes.

Friday - school, hate on the treadmill and curse it... cause for 5 weeks I been hittin the thing and have lost a whopping TWO pounds (I know right?  Don't say push away from the table Amy...CAUSE I AM!), shove some kind of nutrition down the throats of all my people, and hope for some yard work that wasn't done Tuesday to get done, then dinner with the fam if no one knocks their teeth out or needs stitches.

Saturday - treadmill for two miles, D shoves a real nutritious breakfast down all of our throats(this morning - amazing Belgian waffles with bananas on top for me with a tad of syrup for taste and turkey bacon...even dairy free ones for Sky), soccer and the to the gym.

Sunday - sheer chaos getting ready for church, church, cook, clean it up, decompress for the rest of the day .....cause guess what?  Monday always is the next day, it never fails.

Not that any of this is relevant to anyone butt me...but I can remember when one of my best girlfriends, Cindi & I swore we would NEVER be on this type of schedule.  Both her schedule and mine are so crowded now with our children getting older and into activities that we NEVER see one another.  This is such a loss to me.  It feels like one of my arms is missing or something.  Like I am always looking for something and never find it.

This is something I HATE......when I catch myself saying, "I'm sorry we haven't _______(fill in the blank) but, we've just been so busy."

This says to me......I am busy and I don't have time for you.


While it may be true that we are busy and I completely understand when folks say it to me, it's just not how I want to be.  

I bumped into Sarah at the community center the other night signing CB up for soccer (I am surely a dang glutton for punishment) and D to coach his team.....cause CB said he would play and D did not have to be coerced into coaching, cause he actually enjoyed it last year much to his surprise.

Okay...I bumped into Sarah, who is my next door neighbor and also one of my best girlfriends ......I hadn't spent any time with her in weeks.....so strange to casually pass each other and cram small talk and important talk into 15 to 20 minutes of go time.

I also ran into another neighbor at the community center. He tried to get me to sign up for a learn about the constitution class that lasts all day on a Saturday. He told me that he would just come by my house on Friday and tell me all about his business at the community center.  When I explained to him I was busy on Friday, he pressed he would come Saturday....

Sorry, busy.

Sunday then.....church....

Okay then Monday....um, how about NO!

Sorry busy all day.....which is the truth.  He seemed to be kinda put off that I didn't jump on this opportunity.

In my mind I'm all, Dude, I am here to sign up for soccer, I don't really care about your class, I am super sure you are a well meaning, cool fellow, but I am just not feeling your flow, you know what I mean.


I'm not speaking for Sarah, but I am kinda....I don't think she was feeling his flow 100% either.  We were both exhausted for different reasons and trying to cram a months worth of missed conversation into 15 minutes of paper work and walking to the car.

Besides, May took a constitution class ALL DANG YEAR last year and I do not want to sit through another constitution class on a Saturday.....at least not until Obama isn't president anymore.....

.....whatever, don't be a hater Obama lovers.

Sooooooo......at one time Cindi & I had decided to move to the compound and just combine our families and divide up chores, cooking,  and schooling....she was going to be to light blue dress family and I the beige dress family....I have another friend who wants to move to the compound with us I told her she would have to be the lavender dress family cause blue was already taken.

On the compound, all the outside stuff that contaminates and takes up all our time is a mute point.  I can have my own chickens and some goats like other good little home school families.  I won't have to pay ridiculous amounts for gas every week cause I don't have to go anywhere.  We can all just get on our compound bus and drive together....well I don't know.... that would be to many kids at the grocery store, that's a not desirable thought. They would have to stay home and knit or something.....let me shake that thought off.

 There is much to said for the simple life.

 In fact when we have our community yard sale, I'm going to go nuts getting rid of every dang thing in my house that I have to dust or keep track of.  What I don't sell I am thinking of just putting a free sign on it and letting the scavengers have at it......I swear.

Okay, gotta go, the clock is chasing me around the house reminding me that he comes first....and now D has fixed the kids lunch and he fixed Sky the most delicious smelling dairy free pizza.  He's awesome, I love him so much.

I so gotta tell you about May's research paper for biology. She did it on Genetically Modified Foods, it has me completely wigged out.  You know how I was all on "the government is trying to kill us" conspiracy thing?  This paper didn't help that runaway train.

there were those two grasshoppers on top of a mushroom......

This past Christmas we were all at the breakfast table eating cereal one morning. One of the kids noticed the Trix box had the theme of Christmas Halloween or Halloween Christmas. I hadn't noticed it before. It was absurd and it put me off severely. I haven't bought a box of Trix since.

...but May on the other hand ran with the theme in another absurd direction that was funny to the rest of us...

M (insert creepy Vincent Price type voice) - And then baby Jesus was born (insert evil villain laugh). A ghost in the night told the wise men to "fear not" and led them to the manger. There they dressed baby Jesus in a bumble bee costume and took him trick or treating.

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One day I had served chicken and stars soup, minus the soup so it was just the stars mostly, for lunch to Cole. The kids began to discuss how he wasn't even chewing the stars, just swallowing hole mouthfuls. The discussion then led to any foods that went in your attic and came out of your basement in the same shape, just isn't good and right....like corn for example.

M- I suppose those stars will come out as stars then?

Z- yes

M imitates CB on the pot - Oh look, stars!! I get to make a wish now! I wish I could go to Dollywood (insert flushing sound) I wish Netflix was free! (flush, flush)

....and so on in this manner....

(insert When You Wish Upon a Star song)
When you wish your poop goodbye, down the toilet it will flyyyy...

B.o.B. song while staring into the toilet
"like airplanes in the night sky, like shooting stars.....I could really use a wish right now"

grunting and pushing noises.....Wow!! I got a lot of wishes this time!!

flush, flush..."It's like the Milky Way!"

"That tasted out of this world. I am so full, I feel like I ate the universe."

(Steve C. I put this one in here for you :oD )
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Doing biology one day with May, Z overhears a conversation about mushrooms being asexual....

Z- It's just awkward....mushroom sex

M- Yeah, well, just be glad you don't have to have "the mushroom sex talk." Once while down at the dock, I saw two mushrooms getting a little too heavy on the top end, if you know what I mean...

A- MAY! That's enough...

M- (serious voice) I'm just sayin....I said to them "Get a shroom , why don't ya?!".....I mean they have to consider the baby birds for petes sake.

We laugh a little..

Z- There are those penis mushrooms that sprout in our flower bed with the mulch.



A- OOOkay, that's stinkhorn, we are done with this conversation. I am uncomfortable with mushroom sex talk.

M- One time these two dragon flies landed on Sky and she was all, " Hey May, look at the two dragonflies on me...they are stuck together. Should I try to pull them apart?"

Z & A snicker a little

M- I was, "No!" then I swatted them away saying, not in front of the children!


A- May....

M- Just sayin....some bonds weren't made to be broken...


Z laughs, cause he always laughs at her jokes.

A- May.....

M- ...there were those two grasshoppers on top of a mushroom that time too. I swear it's like Sodom and Gomorrah around here.

Z still chuckling though trying not to pay attention to her.

A- May, yer done.

M- I'm just sayin....

A little Nook....or two, part 1.......

I can't believe school starts back in the next two weeks. This is really our last week at home where noting HAS to be done. I am gonna try and catch up on a few things that require some real effort like putting some photos on a DVD.....UGH I hate freaking doing that.

It takes entirely tooooooo loooooonnng. If the DVD burner doesn't burn like it should, then I want to sever the head off the person who created the photo disk burner by way of flinging the disk at their neck frisbee style....really...... with a round house kick & a through the legs. Let it fly, watch the pretty colors as the disk glides right through my windows or maybe into some dry wall.

We went to Bryson City, NC this past weekend to D's parents mountain house. I LOVE THAT HOUSE. I swear I would have no problem going straight up Little House on the Prairie lifestyle if we lived in that house.

It's an A frame. This means, you get just what you need. A small master bedroom on the first floor, with a just enough room for one kitchen, a table for six to eat at, a small living room area and the first floor is done.

The second floor is a loft with 2 twins and a double all in one room.......just like little house on the prairie........except with air condition when you need it and 1 bathroom......oh yeah and some electricity.

I was relaying this to Z & M. They love the mountain house also but claimed they would die if they had to live there all the time. Yet, neither of them wanted to leave and come back here. They are certainly hung up in the entertainment part of life.....what about my friends, what about sports, what about cable TV, what about the internet, and this and what about that..... all of which had absolutely nothing to do with necessity for real happiness.

I guess I am expecting to much from them. I mean not having a TV and being forced to play games with each other, being outside with each other and having just enough so that it was never about being overstimulated or over indulged.....it was beautiful to me. I swear I could so live there, I really could. Just wipe the slate clean sell it all and start over right there in a spot where we have just what we need and each other.

....no baggage of the mind just the here and now......

We went there for May's 14th birthday on the 6th. It so happens me and D celebrate our anniversary the day after May's b-day on the 7th. So it was a cool time to go. May wanted to go tubing in Deep Creek. We hadn't done that in close to 8 years or so.

We had a ball.

It's Monday and I am still freaking sore as crap......more on that later.

I can't wait till we can all go back over again. No one wanted to leave.

So here's some stuff that happened. May made her own b-day cake, because she wanted to. She wanted to make a dairy free cake so Sky could eat the same thing all of us ate. I thought this was super considerate. I loved her for that....and obviously so did Sky who got to lick beaters and frosting spatula's.

Well, we forgot to bring candles and didn't get any when we went to the Ingles(Engles) We pronounce this grocery store as Ingles, as in no habla Ingles.

My friend Shay called it that by accident when she visited us in the south. She's fluent in Spanish. Since we have lots of Mexican folks here I guess she thought is was a shopping or Spanish market or something and asked us, "What's up with the Ingles?" no habla Ingles I had to laugh because that had never occurred to me before.

So we didn't buy candles at the Ingles. no habla Ingles

In true ghetto fashion we just made our own.

....long wooden stick matches = ghetto birthday candles



...ghetto candles make big scary flames initially, but then it goes away.

....there were two votives we could have used.....but they didn't match that good and we didn't have at least 4 of them for "14."......it's really all about the logic.

.....and all is well in the universe when you sing Happy Birthday really fast so that the ghetto candles don't burn down to the cake before one blows them out.

The dairy free cake Maysie made was awesome. The frosting was delicious and no too sweet. It was gone in two days, no lie.

So D picked out the birthday gift this year. No one knew what the gift was including me.

She got a Nook, an ereader from Barnes & Noble. It was a super nice birthday gift. I should know because he bought me one too for our 17th anniversary. May and I both love to read and these were very thoughtful gifts that we both will surely enjoy. I have mine already loaded up with a wish list to die for.

Nook = go broke if you aren't careful.

So though May has loaded one book already, she fully grasps the concept school books are on me & D. Pleasure books come out of her account....every time she hits the "buy" it swipes my card and in return I swipe money out of her account.

Here's a few other fun pics.....

This will do for today.

I'll post some tubing photos for tomorrow and a few Cole stories maybe :0)

Holy Cow! Is that a turd?...........

I am eating a banana.

Sky - mmmmmm, can I have a bite of that?

Sky ALWAYS wants what I am eating. She will eat whatever I want her to eat if I very casually pretend whatever I am eating is delicious ....she'll eat it. Sky eats almost every food. She is the best eater I have as far as variety goes.

I know how she feels. When D is eating something I know I can't stand, he makes it look like it tastes delicious. I am compelled to ask for a bite.

I risk messing up my "perfect taste" by contaminating it with a bite of his food. D does it to me and in return I do it to Skylar.

This banana is a plain old banana though.

A- Sky I swear if I ate a turd you'd want a bite.

Sky- Holy Cow! Is that a turd? You gonna eat that turd? Can I have a bite??!

It's funny so I give her a bite. She likes it and takes the whole banana with her off to play.

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Now that all the gardens are coming to fruition, everyone around here has fresh tomatoes. Some folks go a little further and grow squash, zucchini, and cucumbers. The people who are straight up just gettin wild on us are the eggplant, bell pepper, and cantaloupe peeps. If you know someone growing eggplant right now, I bet they have a decent sized garden. I am willing to bet they aren't just growing tomatoes and eggplant in containers.

Anyhoo, since M & Z have some side jobs for some of our neighbors. As payment they bless my kids with some cash and bless me with some of their crops. Which is awesome! I have had some amazing zucchini this year and haven't been found wanting for a single cucumber all summer.

One of May's peeps has an amazing garden and she brings me the biggest stuff I have ever seen.

But..................she always drops by without calling first. I swear every time she comes by it looks like I combed my hair with a fire cracker and I am wearing a uni-boob bra with my pajamas that don't match. I swear every time. This used to happen with the woman that brings me eggs too, but now she calls first which is super cool.

So I am cleaning out CB's room one day and rearranging his furniture. In this particular state, uni-boob, pajamas, firecracker hair, and my dog is barking her head off....this indicates someone is at my door more than likely.

I'm not worried. My kids plus King David's teenage grandson are in my living room watching TV or something. I figure they will handle it. They do.

They all at once come into CB's room and tell me Mrs. Great Garden is here and has brought some vegetables.

A- (start a ranting) Great! I wish I knew she was coming. It looks like a bomb went off in this house. My hair looks like I combed it with an egg beater, I have this awful bra on with no support whatsoever and Cole's bedroom is all over the hall. Why does she always come over when I look like a mad woman. I swear every time she comes I look rabid.

All 5 kids are staring at me.

Z- (quietly) Mom, She is in the living room.

uuumm..........embarrassed..........cause normally she doesn't come all the way inside.

PJ (King David's grandson) starts snickering a bit cause it is clear I am completely surprised and he feels sorry for me.....I think. He then relays to me quietly he thinks this situation is "so funny."

I suck it up and run my fingers through my hair, re-adjust my head band, wipe the sweat off my face and go out to the living room. My strategy is to just address it head on.

A- Hi Mrs. Great Garden. I swear I do get dressed and brush my hair everyday.

Mrs. GG - Honey, it's okay I had 4 kids I know how busy you are.

A- I know, but gosh every time I see you it's like I look completely slobbish. I feel like I need to take a shower and come to your house when I am through so that you can see I can be fairly decent looking if I want to.

Mrs. GG - (heading through my laundry room wear I have clothes hanging to dry and sorted into no less than 5 piles to wash) Don't worry about it, I know what it's like, I was just out and wanted to drop these by while I was thinking about it.

A- Well, thank you for thinking of us we have really been enjoying these and I have passed a few on also so others can enjoy them too cause they are so big we can't eat them all in proper time.

Mrs. GG- (weaving through my obstacle course in the laundry room now) Yeah pass them on I will bring extra cause we can't eat all of it either and I don't know most of our neighbors that well.

A- I always pass them on in your name so you get credit. Thank you again for bringing these to us. I promise next time to try and look clean at least, I was cleaning out Cole's room, it looks like a bomb went off and exploded books & clothes everywhere.

Mrs. GG - Honey, it's okay, really, look at me, do I look dressed up?

A- No, but you at least look clean and your hair is brushed.

Mrs. GG -(she waves me off like I am foolish and for me to shut up) See ya later.....

A- Okay, BYE!!!

I go back in the house and all the kids are staring at me with faces that read You so got busted.

A-aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! That was mortifying! Why didn't you tell me she was in the house???!!

Z- I did!

PJ- That was so funny. You shoulda seen your face.

A- I am utterly mortified. What can I do? I guess you get what you get when you come by with out calling first. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh I could just die twice!

......so the past two times she has been over to drop off veggies........she left them on the door knob in my garage.

I gotta do better than that.

Have you ever heard of anyone playing the difdle, the lifdle, or the liddle before.............

Doing phonics with Sky some time this week, the word in the sentence is "fiddle"....

S- liddle

A- try again

S- lifdle

A- Sky, please....look at each letter and read that kindergarten word.

S- Shiddle

A- (I snicker...Z at other end of the table snickers)

S- Whats so funny?

A- Nothing read the word...

Z- (completely sidetracked now at Sky saying "shiddle" instead of "fiddle"...still trying not to snicker)

S- What?!

Z- Sounds like something a little dog, like Jenny, would do.....

A- (I try not to laugh, cause that is borderline foul) Z, that's enough.

S- Like, Jenny did a little "shiddle."

A & Z - (laughing cause she has no idea what she has implied and has used it correctly)

Z- SKY! Don't say that!

S- Why? Is shiddle a bad word?

A- No, but it sounds awfully close the way you just used it.

S- Well I didn't know.

A- Don't use that word even when you're playing around Babe, cause it sounds ugly. It's close to an ugly word used for dog poops. Now read this word please.......(try to refocus on phonics and ignore Z still snickering under his shirt that is pulled over his nose)

S- (lacking total focus now & off in some other time zone) Mom? Is shiddle the same word as damn-it?

Z & A - SKY!!!!

Z- (has to leave the table cause he's so sidetracked by her blatant ability to use cuss words with no remorse in inquisitiveness)

A- Sky, yes... those words are in the same ugly word category. Now I want you to get those words out of your mind and quit contaminating yourself. If you blurt those words out again I will get angry. It is determined now that those words are not to be said, they are both not good words. If I hear them again I will put soap on your tongue. (which I know is a lie.... cause you know, I am so done with the throw up) FOCUS PLEASE! Read.... this..... word!

S- difdle......oooh Mom,(whine) I don't know this dumb word, cause now it looks like an ugly word in my mind.

A- Sky the word is dang FIDDLE. Have you ever heard of anyone playing the difdle, the lifdle, or the liddle before?!

S- No, and actually, they don't play the shiddle either.

Z- (busting out laughing in the other room)

I send them both to their rooms, until I can go pray a little bit in my closet. Then we break for lunch, and don't do phonics for two days to be sure that word has long passed both of their minds.

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Me, May & Z going over their math at the kitchen table, Cole playing with a short pencil at the other end of the table.......we are not really paying attention to him. There is a break in the conversation and some pause while we think on some stuff and we hear this....

C- (in a perfect Englishman accent) Good Day Suh.

When we look up he has a short pencil squeezed in between his nose and upper lip like a thin mustache. Random, unexpected, and dang funny......

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Can't sleep........

Tuesday morning up at 4:20 am grading papers........

Wednesday morning up at 5:00 am grading History tests.....

Thursday morning up at 4:50 am reading on constitution stuff for this afternoon.....

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I took Sky to the allergist yesterday. They skin prick tested her again, which they just did in October of last year. So I thought that was....uumm.... retarded!

All the test were negative for food allergy..... again.

I mean I wanted to say.....the food is messing her up inside her body...inside her body, during swallowing & digestion....I don't rub the food on her skin.......she doesn't break out in hives...SHE VOMITS LADY!!! Just cause you stick some milk on her back she isn't going to VOMIT...it just doesn't make logical sense. I mean if we give the child "a trace amount on non fat dairy" in a slice of bread she vomits. She said her tongue feels fat, May & I have witnessed her uvula swollen...she gasps for air sometimes...THAT IS SCARY TO ME!!!

Every time she coughs at night or starts gagging I wake up and run to her room cause I am afraid she is going to choke or her throat will swell up and I won't know it.

So keep her off dairy Amy & shut up for petes sake....

Well duh.

That's what we've been doing. I swear though, if I hadn't had said I wanted a blood test yesterday just to give me some peace of mind, the gal wouldn't have taken any. She tells me we could try giving her "a little lactaid, even though I don't think that will do much at this point and see if that works, she may just be highly intolerant of dairy."

I am like, no shiddle Lady, she is highly intolerant at the minimum right now.

She then tells me that Sky has no signs of drainage in her nose or throat, but she is going to give her a nose spray anyway.

.....Like the pediatrician that took blood to check her white blood cell count. It was perfect indicating no bacterial problems....but let's give her 14 days worth of antibiotics on top of the 10 she has already taken that aren't working and some more steroids too......cause she just isn't jacked up, gagging, & throwing up enough.

.....Like the Gastro docs office......I tell them Sky has been throwing up every time she eats for two weeks, I would like to bring her in.

Nurse No You Can't Come In - Well if she is coughing she needs to go the pediatrician , call us back if it becomes a digestion issue.

SSSSSCCCCRRREEEAAMMMM!!!!!!!!! I said she is throwing up every time she eats, did you catch that??

So the pediatrician says he has done all he can do, take her to the Gastro.

The allergy lady says she has done all she can do...by giving us nose spray and telling me not to give her dairy if she throws up when she eats it......again, no shiddle...... like I am a moron who loves to clean up throw up and I need to be told that. Take her to the Gastro.

I am serious.......... I am about to become a crack head.

....... with my own special crack pipe with my name air brushed on the side in metallic letters.

I am gonna wait on the blood work to come back. If it shows nothing, I am busting the Gastro's door down and commencing a smack down till he checks her out.

I mean, literally I have done all I can by omitting the dairy, but she is starting to gag again at night. It was getting better once the dairy was gone, but it's like I am filling her with soy now and she is trying to start all over....anything with colored dye....cough, cough, gag, gag.....

I am starting think my Obamacare has already kicked in and no one told me.

No shiddle.

You can't take yer pants off right out here in the open.........

Saturday @ 7:15 I got up and started getting breakfast ready for the American crappy food eaters in my house. This consisted of reheated french toast from the day before, 1% milk and cereal with unnatural dyes in it, juice and Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla coffee.

D got up and fixed food for the Jamie Oliver Food disability people in my family which consisted of egg whites , 1 biscuit, 1 piece of toast with Smart Balance non dairy butter like substance that we pretend to think is delicious for Sky & some summer sausage.

By 7:50am I am off to get Z from a boys Awana TNT camp out. D is heading to King Davids with Caesar & Cornelia beginning Saturday morning rituals.

Once home I work in the yard rearranging my plants like I do every year. This year I moved a miniature rose bush that tries to thorn me to death every time I trim the thing. I could not bring myself to full out kill it cause I wanted the bush so badly long ago. I moved it to a spot where it could go wild far away from the kids and me. I mean the thing has thorns on it that could have been put on Jesus' crown. It's a hateful plant.

After that I gab with Cornelia a bit, then gab with our step-dog's mom a bit, finish weeding, and then head in the house to watch Justin Bieber on SNL with May, Sky, and Z that I had DVR'd for them so they could see what JB looks like.....cause at first we all thought it was a girl who sang this song.......

...the boy is only 16 but the tune is so catchy & fun...and he favors Z...well to me anyway. Except I think Z is better looking, I swear I do....but Z....he can't sing, he just can't, but he's cute to look at and that makes up for it.

next..........

So D decides he is going to spray our house for bugs instead of pay for a contract with an exterminator. Which I am down with, cause I guess the exterminators think fireworks shoot out of their bug killing dispensers. I don't think they are aware the economy sucks right now.

Though he has been telling me all day he is going to spray that evening and we'll need to be out of the house for several hours, I neglect to be proactive and make sure everyone gets a shower before we have to leave. D is NOW in full combat gear for spraying and we all basically look like white trash and need to leave the premises.

It's bad....I mean I am wearing a "Roswell" alien fishing hat to keep my afro down, I have dirt from weeding all over my clothes, and a uni-boob sports bra on. I mean it's bad. All the kids are filthy.

Z has been running the weed eater, he's grassy. He is completely freaking out because his hair is messy and his red shirt does not match his red shorts.

Cole has on two different Crocs, a bright neon green one and a Bat Man one. Sky's red teeth aren't brushed from a red drink she had been drinking, she is missing a tooth in the front, which makes her look like a red toothed hill billy, with ratty hair and a dirty face.

May looks decent...somewhat. She gets out of the car at Walmart, where we went to waste time and locate her some play shorts, underwear, and possibly a bathing suit, May says, "We are going to end up on one of those emails that people send out with awful looking folks who shop at Walmart." This makes me snicker.

As I look her over walking in the parking lot, thinking she looks the most decent...I notice she has a conglomerate of at least 15 stickers stuck to the bottom of her shoe, in the stickers is stuck a long piece of flowing white paper......tissue paper.....it's hilarious. I am just laughin away cause I suddenly realize she might be right.

May is delirious laughing with me cause she thinks I am laughing at he Walmart comment and that I think she is funny. I am just about to pee in my pants and she looks down and realizes she has all this crap stuck to her shoe and understands my delirium. She yanks it off and liters the parking lot by throwing it into the wind, keeps walking, ignoring me laughing now. I don't scold her, cause I am so done with the month of April.

Inside Wally World we locate bathing suits for Sky and May. Sky wants her own dressing room.

S- please, please, please mom, I can do it.

A- No go with May so she can help you.

Lucy McLame- a-vich form Losertown, USA, Wally World employee- Umn She can't go in with her cause all people are supposed to have their own dressing rooms.

A- Do you have children?

Lucy from Loserville - No.

A- So you don't get my need to have a helper with this one. She is going to need help getting this on. This 4 yr old is in need of a nap and closing him in that tight dressing room with me is just not optimal for privacy, cause that door won't be staying shut. (I try not to take Cole shopping.....anywhere....for anything. His has the attention span of a gnat. It was already 8:30pm..... past his bed time by the time we got to this point.)

Lucy from Loserville - Well, that is just our policy, one per room, really.... you can't go with her either, one person per room.

A- (I am thinking.... she is a child, LOSER, can I just slap you for being stupid NOW. We are the only people in the fitting area, count the dumb clothing hangers and see we have 3 suits a piece and try not to get power crazy with your dressing room authority)

A- One day you are going to have children and you will remember my face when you are struggling in a dressing room and need a little help.

Lucy from Loserville - (smiles) Yes....

Sky manages to get her suit on with out my help, and comes out to show me. She has taken off her underwear.

A-(whispering in her ear) Sky, you have to leave your panties on, Babe. Suppose some dirty girl....... like your self...........hasn't had a bath and tries those on with no underwear....

Sky's light bulb moment happens. Her eyes get as big as half dollars and and she starts taking off her pants right there on the spot.

A- Wait, wait, wait, Sky! You can't take yer pants off right out here in the open go back in and try another bathing suit on WITH yer underwear on.

She runs back into her dressing room as if she her butt is on fire. When she reemerges with a new suit on..... her neck is in the arm hole and like six straps are across one shoulder like Tarzan....she is smiling, a red one toothed smile, making sure to show me her underwear hanging out the bottom, by having pulled them out the bottom herself to show.

S- I like this one!

I shoot Lucy from Losertown a yer an idiot look and fix the bathing suit.......

Gotta go and start school will finish this later today hopefully, cause this day....it was long.

I ain't screamin from the mountain top just yet.......

These past few weeks have been weeks I will not soon forget.

April 2010 will be embedded in my memory for a bit and I will have to shake it off when I think of it.

This has been one of those times when, to quote Alfalfa from the Little Rascals, that I have said...

"....and the sky opened up, and God said, I hate you Alfalfa (Amy)."

I have been wondering constantly what I have done to make God punish me so sternly. But here are three things that gave me "A-HA!" moments....

1. As I was lamenting this thought to my girlfriend Cindi, she told me she'd wondered that herself often in troublesome times. Ultimately though, she came to realize that she had done so much wrong in the site of God that she couldn't find the one thing that God was punishing her for..... so she came to terms with her thankfulness for His grace that covers them all.

I totally was diggin on that. It put a band aid on my woe is me bleeding session.

2. God is the God of love and goodness. Throughout the Bible God tells us he seeks only goodness for us. However, in our disobedience we wreak havoc on ourselves in the form of consequences. So God isn't punishing me. I've basically chosen to waller in my not optimal situations instead of seek Him for peace and understanding.

3. Lots of things have suddenly become clear to me. In the midst of the undesirable stuff happening then, I can look back and see God using those for good in the now situations. They seemed mind jamming at the the time, but are clearly a blessing now.

Sky constantly throwing up is not in that category.......whole other blog.

I know for sure I am grateful that I know Jesus. I don't believe I would have ever seen hope and purpose in some of these irritants if I had not been seeking Him in all things. I would have went on lamenting woe is me Jesus, when are you coming back???!

Though I am not 100% recovered from all of this and screaming on my mountain top how great God is right now...but at least I am heading up the mountain and not down.

Today, I am grateful for God not giving up on me, when I give up on Him. Thank you Lord for not getting off the cross and saying, "I will finish this up later for Amy when I am not so tired," .....like I do to you when I am tired. Thank you for knowing I am a human, even though I am new in you. You know I still need help cause I get wore down......and you never quit on me or get tired.......

You show me glimpses of good when I seek them.
You are strong.
You are diligent.
You are faithful....even when I am not.

Today Lord, I am grateful for those things.

I hated high school, I am glad it's over............

Attention: This is a mind rambling that needed to be written down, it is not funny or entertaining at all.

Tis that time of year again when I should order the kids curriculum for next year.

Every year at this time I say, "You're going to school next year, cause ya'll are getting on my nerves. Let someone else deal with you, cause I am done."

Then the begging begins....."No, no, no Mom, we don't want to go."

"You haven't even been praying about it, are you going against the Lords will?"

"I promise I will sit still."

"I don't want to eat school lunch."

"I guess you want me to learn how to cuss properly."

"I don't want to ride the bus."

"I don't want to be stuck in class for 8 hours of work that really only takes 4 or 5, what a waste of time."
"I don't want to go to school all day and do homework all night."

"If you send us to school and get a job I hope you are miserable."

" I promise I will get up when you tell me too."

"I don't want to be a cheerleader."

"I like being a labeled a home schooler, it makes me set apart."

"They don't teach the Bible you know...."

"Then I will have make up work every time I have a doctors/dentist appt,"

etc, etc, etc..........

Almost all of the excuses are of course...... ridiculous.

I haven't taken the time to pray about it & obviously for those of us who went to school, a decent part of the day is spent wasting time.

I wouldn't make my kids ride the bus, and quite frankly, they can learn how to cuss properly on Wednesday night at church. Lots of those kids use foul language during Awana......I hear about it almost every week. It isn't just the middle school kids either. Some of the Sparks are well aware of how to use cuss words. Some of the youth kids go to church with their families every Sunday, they know better of that I am 100% sure, and speak undesirably in my opinion.

School lunch, stupid(I can totally see myself as a lunch lady, except if I have to be the chicken scrubber, I wouldn't like that job).

Sit still, no you won't.

Me getting a job, laughable....just kiddin......well, not really, kinda.

Though in my mind, Maysie will be in high school next year, I am panic stricken. I know I can do it, cause I just know I can(cause I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me). There is too much help & info out there to access for me to discount that. I just never planned to school the kids at home this long.

Schooling them through high school....my mind wanders to, "What about the prom?" and stuff like that. I went to the prom two years and I had a pretty lame time generally. When I say that to other mothers I get the same response. Some didn't go or had a lame time. The very few that did have a good time seem to be linked to the "in crowd." But, all of the women I polled said the prom was not a defining moment in their high school years. They expressed that was a crazy reason for sending Maysie to school......most thought I better come up with a better reason than that....this is public school and home school moms.

From polling around I learned the prom is really more about buying the dress and getting dressed up than actually attending the prom......again UNLESS, this was a crushing on some one first date sort of thing.

Yeah, that is a stupid reason, I guess. When I make a list of pros vs. cons for both public school and home school, the home school list ALWAYS looks more healthy and intelligent. The public school list looks more social in general. In the home school community it is not looked upon well to put kids in public school, but I really don't care.........sort of.

In my heart, deep down, I know they should be with me here at home, cause I only have a short time with them in the whole scheme of life. The Lord has not given me peace with sending them to school. Though I have tried to force His hand and make myself have peace, He hasn't let me entertain those feelings long.

My mind dreams of the peace and quiet of a day when they are all in the care of an institution that is deemed a safe and educational.....and more or less free child care. That seems harsh I know, but that is how my gut feels.

I could spend all day with CB doing whatever he wants, like I did with Maysie when she was a baby. He could have his own mommy time, while the others were being group cared for and educated at the same time.....plus they get fed, and I wouldn't have to cook it or clean it up. I swear I think our grocery bill would go down a little.

Doesn't that sound totally lazy? I day dream about M & Z having lots of friends and hanging out and doing this and doing that. However, when I poll folks, constantly I hear, "I hated high school, I am glad its over." I feel that exact way. I know D felt that way when he was in school.

I wasn't popular in school, I didn't do all the social clubs or have gobs of friends, though they were available to me. I had a few close girlfriends. I actually stay in touch with most of those girls. The one gal, Kim K. W. and I used to be called the "share a brain twins," we did everything together. We are still close even though we don't live in the same state. I still have dinner with Michelle B. W. when I am in Atlanta, which is never these days. I actually haven't seen her in a couple years, but I know if I did it would be cool, like we never left off.

So I believe myself to be disillusioned as to how high school would be if they went.....see how my thinking is still rambling on about the social stuff and not the education. I know plenty of great teachers here and a couple of principles too that are awesome. Being truthful though, my kids wouldn't have any of those teachers.

I don't know.......maybe being a home school mom is really who I am. I hate to be defined as she home schools, and that is how people know me.

Amy, the manic girl that home schools 4 kids.....

or

Amy, the manic girl that used to home school and now her kids go to school, she's out of the will of God, but adjusting to the discipline accordingly....

ugh, Gods discipline.........

UGH!

Let me just order some curriculum now for petes sake............

................................................................

.....later this morning, this is my devotional verse.....

Psalm 23:1-3

“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.”

See what I mean? He won't let me entertain myself long.....

God knows me, of this I am sure.

begging a 13 year old, do I have no dignity left?...........

On the morning of Wednesday, January the 27th, in my mind Twilight psychosis continues..........

......What time is it? 8:00am. I have to leave the house here in 15 minutes at the latest. She still isn't up...

If I am really quiet, I can sneak into her room, she won't even know it (the 3rd Twilight book, Eclipse) is missing, I'll put it back before she realizes the book is gone, since she only reads at night surely I am good to go.....quietly.....need to miss the cracking boards in the hallways......no movement yet in her room......really quiet and slowly take the book off the bedside table.....easy....easy.........almost.......

YOU GOT IT! now quietly wa........

M- NO MOM! PUT IT BACK!

A- Aaawww May...Really?? I am going to be at the doctors office for 5 HOURS!!! Can't you just let me take it with me for the endless hours I will have to wait?? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
M- NO! You're not taking it! Put it back!

A- May, Pleeeease, don't make me sit there for 5 hours with NOTHING TO DO...I will only read 3 chapters and I will stop, I swear.....

M- No you won't, I know you, you won't stop, get out Mom, I am not going to let you take it, no.....

A- May!... (I am almost ready to stomp my feet in protest for her unreasonable attitude)

M- NO! OUT!

A- I am so angry with you, why are you being so crazy like this (when in reality if I had only took a pause, it was me behaving crazy......I mean. I am begging my 13 year old to borrow a dang book, not just begging, but pleading)?

A-FINE, I will just take my butt to the Walmart and buy my own books. I swear I will... since you won't share with me (I threaten, as if she cares).

M- I will share with you when I am done. I will give it to you, not till then, cause you'll read ahead of me and be all in my room reading all day and it's a distraction. If you can just wait, then you can have it. Just be patient.

A- (I assess her book mark and realize I am not going to get the book for at least 3 or 4 more days with her only reading at night and by then I will have had some type of Twilight DT's or something and I felt a smothering sensation, like I might never get the book.) FINE!! May, you are being so mean to me.....

M- (she smiles, with her hair all a morning mess) Get out of my room, you have a Twilight problem that I can't help you with.....

So I stomp out of her room, grab my car keys, kiss the appropriate children goodbye for the morning, eyeing the room for evidence they have eaten their breakfast....and make a plan to drive straight to Walmart with the extra 10 minutes I was going to sit in the waiting room and buy those darn books!! I would never have to ask her for one of hers again. So there, put that in yer pipe and smoke it.

That's what I did.

Flawlessly.

When I had Eclipse & Breaking Dawn in my hands walking out the Wally World door, Edward, Bella, and I were all furry bunnies & rainbows & floating, glittering pink hearts, I think I heard some harps playing in the background.......

.......no it was this for sure......

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

I punched my car door unlocked with with voracity and smirked the full 50 seconds it took me to get to the Doctors office from Walmart.

Eclipse was ON! I swallowed 4 chapters whole in the doctors office that morning.

Within three days May was done with her book and started Breaking Dawn, she passed Eclipse onto Zac with some half cocked effort to appease me. Knowing that I had told her he could read my book when I finished which was not to far after her.

I started Breaking Dawn late last week. Finished it last night.

I do for sure have a Twilight problem. I am 100% sure I need an intervention or a 12 step recovery plan implemented immediately.

We all watched the first movie on the Netflix. We all hated it at first cause it skipped so many details. But for some unknown reason May and I felt compelled to watch the dang thing at least 12 more times before we sent it back.......only then to later buy the soundtrack which M, Z, & I all have slammed onto our MP3's immediately.

Rock and roll with violin & heavy drums is a terrific draw for both Z and I in all things music......we're addicted to the music.

May and I listened to the soundtrack in the car knowing exactly which music went with which scenes. We happily reminisced what about each of those scenes was our favorite and least favorite. This session lasted until we had listened to the whole CD. It's a sickness......

I have no idea what I shall do with my reading time now. I am kinda glad I am done so I can gain some of my parenting self respect back.

Last night, at 2:15 am, as I laid the thick, black matted, hard cover(cause Z & I hate the paper covers, we take them off), 760 page, Breaking Dawn book on Zac's steps as a surprise, cause he has finished Eclipse now & was waiting on me....... barely in control of his own self.......I felt good.....and tired.

We'll see how I last over the next couple of days....maybe if I watch the movie some more, I won't start rereading the first book........just to get a fix....

.........................................................

A- uuummm........Hi,......I'm Amy(insert excited nervous tention)........and I have a Twilight addiction.....

Support Group - HHiiiii Amy........

cause this is just what we do here at Montana Cafe..........

Me and May waxing her eyebrows for the first time....the video is funny and despite the amount of eyebrows on the paper, her eyebrows did look good...........



This was a Michael Jackson spoof video someone sent us from youtube and I recorded the kids watching...... the video is a bit grainy, but I couldn't figure out why and how to fix it.....

Burt's Bees Tear Free Shampoo is a terrific facial moisturizer............

This past Sunday at 4:00 in the morning I was awakened to Cole climbing into the bed with me.

He smelled like pee.

I asked him if he peed in the bed and he said, "No." Proof that we do not teach our children to lie, even as small children, sin is inside of them.

So I feel his clothing in the dark without my contacts in, which means I see nothing but blackness, it's all about sound and smell. His clothes feel wet and his clothes smell wet. I drag myself out of bed, pull his pajamas off and tell him to wait while I get a warm rag to rub him off with.

While the water in the bathroom is warming, I meander to his room to find his bed wet. Not just a little wet, but soaking wet. He has a water proof mattress cover on his bed so as to keep his new mattress from being ruined. I have NEVER had a child pee in the bed as much as he does NEVER!!!! Even if he goes potty before he goes to bed, he pees......if he has nothing to drink, he pees.....through a Goodnights diaper thingy for kids who pee at night, he pees through them......it's killing me.

His sheets are wet, his quilt is wet, his mattress pad is wet, so wet it has run down the pad and onto this fluffy removable thing that makes the mattress soft underneath the mattress pad....it's wet, the whole room smells like urine....I want to cry. I strip off all the bedding and unzipped the fluffy thing and drag it to my bathroom where the water is now piping hot and still running.

I cool the rag a bit and begin to sponge Cole off and he is screaming cause its 4 in the morning and this isn't what he had planned, nor I at this time. I realize a warm cloth is not going to get the smell off of him and determine he is going to need a bath before going back to bed.

I fill the bath tub with warm water and throwing him into the tub he is now in full out scream cause he wants to go back to bed and I am wash, wash, washing him from head to toe with soap, in a hurry.

I dry him off, make him pee in the toilet, new "night-time diapo" on, fresh pajamas and into my bed he goes....I threaten him if I so much as hear a peep or see him up out of the bed, I will turn into a 8 snake haired woman full of insanity and he will pay for it.

I refill the tub with warm soapy water and put the fluff into the water. I begin to stomp around on the fluff so as to be the washing machine agitator. Stomp, stomp, stomp, flip, stomp, stomp stomp, flip, stomp, stomp, stomp , flip....on and on...till I feel the fluff is significantly cleaned and ready for rinsing.....rinse rinse, rinse......ring, ring, ring, the thing dry for an eternity and my arms are aching from lifting the 200 pound wet fluff. I haul it to my dryer and hope for the best.

I load the sheets and mattress cover into the washer. Now I needed to finish off Cole's room. I spray Lysol all over his mattress just in case and up and down the halls, just in case......cause everyone knows, at now 5:00 in the morning, pee germs begin to walk down the halls and contaminate outside rooms....that just makes perfect sense.......I crawl into Sky's bed at 5:15 am because she and Cole are now sleeping in my bed and I just want to go to sleep.

I wake up at 7:45 by sheer chance. I start to get everyone else up for breakfast and showers for church. May is coughing telling me she feels awful she thinks she is running a fever.......she was.

I make her stay in the bed, while I get breakfast for the others together. I unload the dishwasher and start a new load cause D is coming home today I want no dishes to be in the sink, I want everything to look super clean and food to be warm and welcoming when he comes in.

Z is in the shower, Sky is almost to the bathtub, Cole is dressed and wreaking havoc where he can to disrupt our process on Sunday morning....I am getting cold remedies together for May and setting her up for sickness while we are at church. I would have stayed home but I had to go cause of my Sunday School Class, I wasn't there the week before so I needed to be there this Sunday.

In general, all started to fall completely apart after breakfast and Zach ended up staying home so he could wait on May if she need some stuff. Cole didn't want to go because Zach didn't have to go. I made Sky go for good measure cause by gosh some body besides me needed to thank God for his goodness this past week and for the week to come.

Now that we had determined who was staying and who was going I head for the shower with 30 minutes before I need to pull out of my driveway, before I am really late....to be on time I need to be leaving in 20 minutes.

I am getting out of the shower and slip on a puddle of water from the fluff mess last night that I did not clean up. I land on my hip but my thigh catches the corner of a cabinet and now there is a bruise there to match the one on my pelvis. I get up and try to carry on by locating my glasses......

(insert video clip of the mind...Thelma from Scooby Doo....."My glasses!! I can't find my glasses".......)

...can't find them ........I hear Cole and Sky fighting over the Motorola walkie talkie pagers outside the door, the TV is blaring....... I hate our television I think to myself......

..... determined to carry on I locate my facial lotion and begin applying it to my face.....I put Burt's Bees Tear Free Shampoo on my face cause it is in a similar bottle.......and I am just done.......

I resign myself to being under the attack of Satan so he can steal the joy of my husband coming home and my Sunday worship.

So I just sit down on the bathroom floor, put my face in my hands and pray out loud, loudly.

"Lord, I am angry in my heart and feelin defeated, I want to scream at everyone and at you for letting me go through this on the Sunday that Derrick is coming home. I am tired, He will be tired, I am beggin you to help me to be a good mother and speak calmly and kindly, I begging you Lord to help me to be a good and welcoming wife, I need your help Father to be a good Sunday School teacher and not be distracted by myself.....Lord, see me and hear me, that I may be a good wife, teacher, and mother to my children. In your faithful name, I know you hear me and you have the victory, God, Amen."

....from outside the bathroom door I hear Skylar say,
"AAAAyyy- men!!"

I have to snicker, cause it strikes me as funny I was praying for myself, I think I am by myself.....but here, outside the bathroom door, is little miss listen at the door.

S- Mom are you laughing? I had my eyes closed cause you were praying, okay? I know you want to be nice.....right? You want God to help you be nice? Right? So I said, Amen.
Now, can you tell Cole to give me something or other I am not listening cause I need to get dressed and out the door 3 minutes ago............

I do get to church right at 10:00, that is 15 minutes late according to the new Sunday School schedule that seems impossible for me to keep, no matter how early I get up. That 15 minutes earlier never happens like it should. I rarely get there at 9: 30 or even 9:40 early......it is more like 9:50 or 9:55.......it's pathetic!!

I am taking Sky to her class when I remember I have left my well prepared lesson at home in my Sunday School bag right by the back door....WHERE I WOULDN'T FORGET IT!!!!!!

I felt a sense of loss cause though I can wing the lesson, who wants to do that after they have prepared, THAT SUCKS!! and it's not Christ honoring in my book, winging a Sunday school lesson, is stupid.

After Sunday School, I don't stay for big church. I rush home to get a cream cheese pound cake ready, some home made potato soup, and fresh home made bread going and put finishing touches on cleaning the house up.......D will be getting off the plane in like 10 minutes according to may calculations.......

....uuuuuuuhhhh no he isn't.

........... cause his flight is cancelled, so the house is cleaned, I look pretty nice, the kids are ready to see him, the food is almost ready.......and he doesn't get home till 9:30pm, utterly and completely, deliriously exhausted. Cole is in the bed already and we all visit with him a bit and head to bed to try and start over the next day.

My point is no matter how awful this day was trying to be.....God was in control, I had to rely on His promises to know He knows me and He is victorious...

1 John 5:14 ......This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.

1 Corinthians 15:57 .............But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

But you know, a promise is only as good as the one making it.

Joshua said, "Deep in your hearts you know that every promise of the Lord your God has come true. Not a single one has failed!" (Joshua 23:14, ). Peter said God's promises are "exceedingly great and precious promises" (2 Peter 1:4).

God's promises are trustworthy because God Himself is trustworthy.

I was much calmer, kinder, welcoming, & loving because of God this day, because I trusted Him and His promises as truth.

I don't know how people live without Christ, it must be super stressful.

Yank a doodle from your nose dude, I think you gotta bat in the cave.........

There is some stuff that kids just have to know......

......and because we home school that means I have to teach them these things......

......you know so they can be normal and all.....I wouldn't want folks to say my kids were weird cause they didn't do things that the other kids do. I want them to have a good solid foundation to jump off of when they go into the "real world".......

.....but what would a solid foundation be if they didn't have any good people skills.....you know act like normal kids do and all......

So I have to teach my children these things they don't get to experience because they are not in public school, like.....

**how to make the fart sound by blowing on your arm, armpit farting, & behind the knee farting

**how to make yourself fake burp. Maysie has become quite proficient at this task.

**They needed to learn how to do those fun hand shake games to the tune of:

Big Mac, Fillet-O-Fish,

Quarter Pounder, French Fries,

Icy Coke, Thick Shakes,

Sundaes & Apple Pies

**how to slap each other in the face by holding a persons arm out straight

tapping the hand, say "Sugar"

tapping the crease of the arm, say "Candy"

tapping the shoulder, say "Lolli"

slapping the face lightly, say "Pop"

Sugar, Candy, Lolli - Pop.......see?....now, the key is to show this to the older children first without the baby present.....because he too will want to join in the face slapping fun. He will not understand "Pop" the face lightly and declare a smack down by nearly knocking the older brothers head off his shoulders, causing him to look like he has been in freezing weather to long on one side of his face.

same concept with the hand, arm crease, shoulder scenario....

It's about time,

It's about space,

It's about time,

to slap your face (insert the pop on the face on the last line....lightly, not when the baby is present because......again they do not understand the concept of 1/2 doing anything....it's all or nothing. The baby wants to slap your face off or cry because he cannot slap your face off)

** Another handy thing for home schooled children to know is mean jokes. Because there are mean people in the world and they need to know how to deal with those people.

So I taught the older two children this mean joke, because when I was in public school this helped me to grow and become a more balanced, successful adult......

You take a dandelion from the ground when they are watching you, break off a small piece of the stem where it was connected to the ground and say this,

"I bet if you hide this on your body some where I can find it. Here, you hide this when I turn my back where I cannot see it, somewhere on your body.......when I turn back around I will wave this dandelion around your body and when it gets to the spot where the small piece of stem is hidden all the little fuzzy things will blow off."

.....kids cannot resist this type of request, because it's just so crazy wild to think about, they get excited in disbelief but are willing to see if it will really work......trust me, I know.......

....so they hide it and tell you that they are ready, everyone watches anxiously as you wave the dandelion head around the body, over the legs of the jeans, up and down the shirt arms, over their backs, around their hair and ears, back down their jean legs......they are waiting.......wait for it ........wait for it..........

Say this accusingly, "You didn't hide it on you!"

kids - "yes I did!!"

you wave it around just a slight bit more and then say this, "Open your mouth."...as if you are going to see if they hid it in their mouth.....

and when the mouth opens you shove the dandelion onto their tongue........onto their tongue, NOT DOWN THEIR THROAT........................then you should run .......and if you have had a bunch of kids, you need to be sure you are wearing your Depends that day, or it could be bad for you.

It doesn't matter at this point if you are their mother trying to teach them life lessons to help them be normal people when they grow up.....the children will chase you and when they catch you, and they will catch you, the child will shove lots & lots of grass and sticks down your pants, and the child may even try to lick you to get the dandelion off of his tongue, cause they are really sticky once they get wet.

It is really sort of gross, but it's super funny and it is a lesson they'll not forget soon.

** A helpful skill for getting rid of hiccups is to ask them, "What color is a white horse?" This will only work one time, the first time, after that it will never work again......use that wisely

** because being an adult requires them to manage their time well, one needs to know how to take care of some things in a hurry. Like pouring coke into a glass with ice and waiting for the dumb fizz to go down so you can pour some more coke and wait, pour some more coke and wait and so on.......

.....all this time spent waiting on fizz to go down they could have been eating and then going on about the job at hand......now they are 10 minutes behind schedule all because of the fizz waiting. To rectify time management skills I taught them if they lick their pinky finger and stick it in their ear and then put it on their coke fizz, the fizz will dissipate at a highly rapid speed. Thus putting the eating schedule back on track and the rest of the day also.

It's about time management.

(I have no idea who taught this to me, but it has been an invaluable life skill in times when speed has been mandatory)

All home schooled children must learn these poems to be considered "normal children"....

........you know socialized and all.....

Beans, beans, good for your heart.

the more you eat, the more you fart.

The more you fart, the better you feel...

beans, beans, for every meal!

...if you just can't bring yourself to contaminate your child with the word "fart" there is this version you can use instead....but please know, this is not considered the "normal child" version. Your home schooled child may be slightly off side of normal if you choose this version.

Beans, beans, magical fruit.

The more you eat, the more you toot.

The more you toot, the more you fly.

Like superman, across the sky!

See........now really..............that's just lame. Just let your child say "fart" and try to get over yourself.

early in the morning in the middle of the night

two dead boys got up to fight

back to back they faced each other

drew their swords and shot each other

a deaf policeman heard the noise

and came and killed the two dead boys

if you don't believe this lie is true

ask the blind man he saw it too!

(sing to "Yankee Doodle")

Yank a doodle from your nose

Yank a doodle dandy

Yank a doodle from your nose

and eat it like its candy

(sung to tune of "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean")

My Bonnie has tuberculosis

My Bonnie has only one lung

My Bonnie can spit up some mucus

And roll it around on her tongue

Okay...............That just about wraps up my "How to make your home schooled children normal" lesson for today. If you have any further questions about proper dandelion shoving technique or acceptable face slapping for fun, please direct them to me at a later date, cause I am delirious and going to bed now.